Trying to understand...breaking up after 3 years
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
yes, they compartmentalise pretty well. id say so too. Which shocked me, I never expected he had such a 'skill' in this sense. Then I figured, they are like a broken glass- too scattered to offer you anything wholesome to begin with. heck, they cant even offer it to themselves, if we were to be honest!?
its all so ******* sad at the end of the day. Today im depressed and barely gathered my strength to go to work.
How many more people need to stumble upon them addicts and get into their private mess like we did? I wonder. I feel sorry for everyone.
huh
its all so ******* sad at the end of the day. Today im depressed and barely gathered my strength to go to work.
How many more people need to stumble upon them addicts and get into their private mess like we did? I wonder. I feel sorry for everyone.
huh
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Yes, it's unique.
The unreliability is pretty astounding. In general, feelings are hidden (except maybe a bit of opening up when they have been drinking), so nothing gets discussed.
In a "normal" relationship, things are discussed from time to time, that's part of how relationships build, through understanding (and accepting) each other.
You know how if you have a conflict with someone, you talk it out and come to some resolution. It makes you closer and you understand each other. Generally, that's not happening in a relationship with an alcoholic. Things that are said while drunk are usually forgotten and when sober there isn't a lot of opening up and discussion going on.
Even for those that do open up when "sober" the intent might be good, the conviction "firm" but addictions don't like rules or changes.
Regardless of good intent, always, always, it is the addiction driving the bus.
The unreliability is pretty astounding. In general, feelings are hidden (except maybe a bit of opening up when they have been drinking), so nothing gets discussed.
In a "normal" relationship, things are discussed from time to time, that's part of how relationships build, through understanding (and accepting) each other.
You know how if you have a conflict with someone, you talk it out and come to some resolution. It makes you closer and you understand each other. Generally, that's not happening in a relationship with an alcoholic. Things that are said while drunk are usually forgotten and when sober there isn't a lot of opening up and discussion going on.
Even for those that do open up when "sober" the intent might be good, the conviction "firm" but addictions don't like rules or changes.
Regardless of good intent, always, always, it is the addiction driving the bus.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Yes, it's unique.
The unreliability is pretty astounding. In general, feelings are hidden (except maybe a bit of opening up when they have been drinking), so nothing gets discussed.
In a "normal" relationship, things are discussed from time to time, that's part of how relationships build, through understanding (and accepting) each other.
You know how if you have a conflict with someone, you talk it out and come to some resolution. It makes you closer and you understand each other. Generally, that's not happening in a relationship with an alcoholic. Things that are said while drunk are usually forgotten and when sober there isn't a lot of opening up and discussion going on.
Even for those that do open up when "sober" the intent might be good, the conviction "firm" but addictions don't like rules or changes.
Regardless of good intent, always, always, it is the addiction driving the bus.
The unreliability is pretty astounding. In general, feelings are hidden (except maybe a bit of opening up when they have been drinking), so nothing gets discussed.
In a "normal" relationship, things are discussed from time to time, that's part of how relationships build, through understanding (and accepting) each other.
You know how if you have a conflict with someone, you talk it out and come to some resolution. It makes you closer and you understand each other. Generally, that's not happening in a relationship with an alcoholic. Things that are said while drunk are usually forgotten and when sober there isn't a lot of opening up and discussion going on.
Even for those that do open up when "sober" the intent might be good, the conviction "firm" but addictions don't like rules or changes.
Regardless of good intent, always, always, it is the addiction driving the bus.
me: "you seem to be angry today"
AH: "well, you seem pretty angry too. What about when you did xyz.... (insert exhibit a, b, c here). (Angry tone) how do you think i feel???????????"
sigh.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Well it is all about him after all!
You're not so pure yourself
"Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction".
You're not so pure yourself
"Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Thlayli
Holy crap! Thank you for writing this!!! This is EXACTLY my AX2B! Almost 12 years together and he kept my friends at arms length and because irritated if I mentioned getting along well with his. "Private" and "moody" were exactly what I thought.
I've started talking to a guy who recently came to see a show I was in. I was floored when he hung around after the show and actually spoke with almost every single person who was in the show. These people, who I've done theatre with for between 3-15 years (depending on the person) have barely even spoken to my ex because he was always so stand-offish if he even bothered to show up.
I've started talking to a guy who recently came to see a show I was in. I was floored when he hung around after the show and actually spoke with almost every single person who was in the show. These people, who I've done theatre with for between 3-15 years (depending on the person) have barely even spoken to my ex because he was always so stand-offish if he even bothered to show up.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by trailmix
Well it is all about him after all!
"Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction".
"Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction".
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by Abandoned80
One of his reasons was literally you walked fast in front of me one time when I hurt my knee.[/left]
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Ha, my XAH got bent out of shape once b/c I sat in the chair he usually sat in to put on his socks and so disrupted his morning routine! Another time he was mad b/c after I'd finished in the bathroom, I hadn't opened the door all the way, so he didn't know that I was out, and that threw off his morning routine.
There were periods of time where anything I said to him was answered with "what?" I actually made him go get a hearing test at one point, b/c every single thing I said was met with "what?" I mean, gosh, he'd worked in the engine room of a destroyer while in the Navy, could certainly have genuine hearing damage. Well, nope, the result was normal. Whatever the problem was, it wasn't in his ears....
All kitchen drawers had to be pushed absolutely all the way in (old farmhouse, nothing straight or level, often they stayed open a crack if you didn't actively check each time). Blinds had to be all at the exact same level. Once, after I'd been out of town for several days, he even confessed to me that he'd been angry at me for these standards not being met in the past few days until he had the realization that I wasn't even there. Nothing changed, though.
There were so many, many more ways that I was kept spinning, examining myself for the flaws I knew about as well as whatever the next new one might be. All of that had nothing to do w/me and everything to do w/him. So yeah, it wasn't you. It really, really wasn't.
There were periods of time where anything I said to him was answered with "what?" I actually made him go get a hearing test at one point, b/c every single thing I said was met with "what?" I mean, gosh, he'd worked in the engine room of a destroyer while in the Navy, could certainly have genuine hearing damage. Well, nope, the result was normal. Whatever the problem was, it wasn't in his ears....
All kitchen drawers had to be pushed absolutely all the way in (old farmhouse, nothing straight or level, often they stayed open a crack if you didn't actively check each time). Blinds had to be all at the exact same level. Once, after I'd been out of town for several days, he even confessed to me that he'd been angry at me for these standards not being met in the past few days until he had the realization that I wasn't even there. Nothing changed, though.
There were so many, many more ways that I was kept spinning, examining myself for the flaws I knew about as well as whatever the next new one might be. All of that had nothing to do w/me and everything to do w/him. So yeah, it wasn't you. It really, really wasn't.
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Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
My late husband once seriously lectured me about my 'addiction' to acetaminophen. Ummm, yeah, seamstress for 30 years, carpal tunnel syndrome and arthritis, so yeah, I took OTC painkillers twice a week.
Oddly, it's better now.
Oddly, it's better now.
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