Trying to understand...breaking up after 3 years
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Join Date: Nov 2019
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The tent stakes are such a good analogy here. I always did have a creeping sense that (other than the first year or so), he was not doing the things one would normally do to get deeper into a relationship. I noticed that (and I know Facebook is a stupid way to judge anything) he wouldn’t accept friend requests from my friends or family, and kept his friend list very sparse. He seemed a bit perturbed when a few of his friends reached out to me on there. He also started to make zero attempt at being sociable with my family, to the point where they actually asked me if he didn’t like them (they’ve been nothing but kind and welcoming). After 3 years, this should have all been more concerning to me than it was, but I over time just considered him a private, moody type person. Why would he have wanted to get a house together if he wasn’t planning for the long haul? Again, denial in high gear.
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Yes, and moving in with you then moving out (after an AA meeting and one visit to the therapist), all in honor of the alcohol.
Most couples are talking more longer term plans after 2-3 years, not moving to a separate residence. Which is a huge indicator that he just could not handle being in a relationship.
The other things you mentioned, yes, I agree, tent stakes not going in too far.
I hope this helps in that you can be pretty confident it wasn't about you, it wasn't a "rejection" of you, you were just in the way of the drinks.
Anyway, I hope you find at least some of this reassuring.
Most couples are talking more longer term plans after 2-3 years, not moving to a separate residence. Which is a huge indicator that he just could not handle being in a relationship.
The other things you mentioned, yes, I agree, tent stakes not going in too far.
I hope this helps in that you can be pretty confident it wasn't about you, it wasn't a "rejection" of you, you were just in the way of the drinks.
Anyway, I hope you find at least some of this reassuring.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
Yes agreed, I was thinking we were both ready to move the relationship forward again. Just a few months ago he was bringing up actually buying a house together. After the last experience, I was hesitant and wanted to make absolutely sure things were stable before making a large purchase like that together. Glad now that I did.
Everything you have shared has been very helpful, I appreciate it
Reading is helping me come to terms with it some, even if I know it will hurt for a while. Maybe a long while.
Everything you have shared has been very helpful, I appreciate it
Reading is helping me come to terms with it some, even if I know it will hurt for a while. Maybe a long while.Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Abandoned......Yes, I can tell you, from my own experience, that it will take some time for the pain to become past history....weeks to months....
You will stop hurting when you are willing to give it up...when you no longer need it...no longer need to keep the connection.
That usually conincides with how able you are to move forward in your life...new interests, new priorities, new learning, new challenges....new relationships with healthy people....
***As a general principle, in any relationship...and Especially, in an intimate relationship....I think it is good to be really observant. Observant of how they relate to others, in their lives....How they treat their friends...or, if they even have any friends...is a good barometer of how they will be relating to you...after the "shiny" wears off...lol...
How they relate to their family and what they say about their other EXs can be another set of clues....
Even how they treat relative strangers...like the wait staff in restaurants, for example....
It can be very heady stuff to us...when we think that we are, somehow, the "special ones"....that they get along sooo much better with us, than anyone else.....We feel very important and know that they need us and that they will never leave us....because we are so unique and different than anyone they have ever met.....
It really can be an ego trip....for a while.....
Another thought----just because they hang around us, so closely...doesn't always mean that they are attending to us and our needs....It may be that we are (unawares, of course) so attendant to them and their every mood and need...that they are just lapping up on the good bounty.....
But, when things shift and we ask/demand that they become more responsible to us and our needs....it is "Goodbye, Lucille".....as per the "Hefty bag rule".....lol......
You will stop hurting when you are willing to give it up...when you no longer need it...no longer need to keep the connection.
That usually conincides with how able you are to move forward in your life...new interests, new priorities, new learning, new challenges....new relationships with healthy people....
***As a general principle, in any relationship...and Especially, in an intimate relationship....I think it is good to be really observant. Observant of how they relate to others, in their lives....How they treat their friends...or, if they even have any friends...is a good barometer of how they will be relating to you...after the "shiny" wears off...lol...
How they relate to their family and what they say about their other EXs can be another set of clues....
Even how they treat relative strangers...like the wait staff in restaurants, for example....
It can be very heady stuff to us...when we think that we are, somehow, the "special ones"....that they get along sooo much better with us, than anyone else.....We feel very important and know that they need us and that they will never leave us....because we are so unique and different than anyone they have ever met.....
It really can be an ego trip....for a while.....
Another thought----just because they hang around us, so closely...doesn't always mean that they are attending to us and our needs....It may be that we are (unawares, of course) so attendant to them and their every mood and need...that they are just lapping up on the good bounty.....
But, when things shift and we ask/demand that they become more responsible to us and our needs....it is "Goodbye, Lucille".....as per the "Hefty bag rule".....lol......
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Join Date: Nov 2019
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Dandylion, so true. The fact that he had so few connections with anyone was kind of concerning to me, but I just blew it off - I’m an introvert myself and just attributed it to that. But it extended to his family as well, which in hindsight was a big red flag. Think I was suffering under the delusion that, as you said, I was somehow special and wouldn’t end up in the discard heap as all his other relationships had.
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Abandoned80...your point of view is almost identical to what mine was. Reading your post sounds like the voice in my head, that I should have paid better attention to in hindsight. There must be many, many, more of us that have had an experience such as this. I too thought that I was special, and his exception. Turns out...not so much even though he said I was. 
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Emeraldgirl - I think even though we feel bad about it now, and perhaps we could have spared ourselves a lot of pain, in the end we were trying to trust our partners. We had open minds and open hearts and unfortunately in the end we ignored a lot of clues we shouldn’t have. I hope we don’t lose that ability to come into a relationship (any relationship) from a perspective of openness and trust - but maybe now we’ll have the experience behind us to balance it a bit better when there are warning signs. At least, that’s the lesson I’m trying to take from this! It’s hard to find the positives right now, but I suppose what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger in the long run?
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Yes finding positives right now is pretty hard, but that is one of them for sure - seems a sad comfort when you are hurt!
If they will do it to someone else they will certainly do it to you. Sure, people do change but actions to watch, not words.
I bumped a thread up for you guys in the forum.
If they will do it to someone else they will certainly do it to you. Sure, people do change but actions to watch, not words.
I bumped a thread up for you guys in the forum.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
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Originally Posted by Abandoned80 
Emeraldgirl - I think even though we feel bad about it now, and perhaps we could have spared ourselves a lot of pain, in the end we were trying to trust our partners. We had open minds and open hearts and unfortunately in the end we ignored a lot of clues we shouldn’t have. I hope we don’t lose that ability to come into a relationship (any relationship) from a perspective of openness and trust - but maybe now we’ll have the experience behind us to balance it a bit better when there are warning signs. At least, that’s the lesson I’m trying to take from this! It’s hard to find the positives right now, but I suppose what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger in the long run?
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Join Date: May 2019
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Hi, sorry you're going through this. I had the same experience, my XF abandoned the ship so to speak, as soon as I expressed my deeper concerns around his drinking. And we already had a wedding date set etc.
I felt shocked, as I thought he would at least consider it more thoroughly before deciding in favour of alcohol. But he even went further and said how he figured out in the end that we weren't compatible to begin with!?. After few years of relationship he suddenly realises that!? Whereas only some months ago he called me the love of his life and how he wants to show me how dedicated he is.
To make the long story short, I am still hurting very much so, we are doing NC now. And its been actually even worse for me these days, which kind of concerns me. As I thought the pain would diminish over time. But it deepens in my case.
I have shared so much with him, and him with me. He told me his deepest secrets, he cried in my arms (not in a whiny way, but sincerely, over some childhood hurts). Having said that, I thought we were closest as there is possible, and that we could help each other through any and all obstacles.
Only to have been betrayed and abandoned in a split second after I said I no longer can tolerate his alcohol issue (which he still thinks he doesn't have, by the way).
SO that is why I can't seem to get past this.
No to mention how I am in my best years now, and have lost all desire to date and meet other men. On the contrary, I have developed anxiety over it, and I freak out even to the slightest indication that someone is interested in me romantically. Im not sure if I could ever trust another man anymore.
By the way, Mine has also expressed his SORRY for how his actions influenced me, but that doesn't make me neither convinced these days, nor more at peace.
Everyone is saying life isn't fair, and they think how such statements should make it all less serious and more justifiable somehow. But I keep thinking how it shouldn't be this easy for anyone to simply help screw someones life and move on just like that.
And Why isn't alcoholism discussed more publicly and also people warned more in depth or something!? ~after all, we are talking about peoples lives here..... And I dont care whether Im now called codependent over this, but people can either help each other heal or break each other apart. And that's a fact- codependent or no codependent.
p.s. I do realise it is a disease, so I wish all of them recovery etc. (no doubt about that), but this ignorance has to stop somehow and tolerating all kinds of sh*t in our society-in general.
Anyway, as you can see, Im still sad and angry, and letting go is extremely tough task for me here. And I keep asking myself= When will I learn (and what exactly am I suppose to from all of this chaos)!?
I felt shocked, as I thought he would at least consider it more thoroughly before deciding in favour of alcohol. But he even went further and said how he figured out in the end that we weren't compatible to begin with!?. After few years of relationship he suddenly realises that!? Whereas only some months ago he called me the love of his life and how he wants to show me how dedicated he is.
To make the long story short, I am still hurting very much so, we are doing NC now. And its been actually even worse for me these days, which kind of concerns me. As I thought the pain would diminish over time. But it deepens in my case.
I have shared so much with him, and him with me. He told me his deepest secrets, he cried in my arms (not in a whiny way, but sincerely, over some childhood hurts). Having said that, I thought we were closest as there is possible, and that we could help each other through any and all obstacles.
Only to have been betrayed and abandoned in a split second after I said I no longer can tolerate his alcohol issue (which he still thinks he doesn't have, by the way).
SO that is why I can't seem to get past this.
No to mention how I am in my best years now, and have lost all desire to date and meet other men. On the contrary, I have developed anxiety over it, and I freak out even to the slightest indication that someone is interested in me romantically. Im not sure if I could ever trust another man anymore.
By the way, Mine has also expressed his SORRY for how his actions influenced me, but that doesn't make me neither convinced these days, nor more at peace.
Everyone is saying life isn't fair, and they think how such statements should make it all less serious and more justifiable somehow. But I keep thinking how it shouldn't be this easy for anyone to simply help screw someones life and move on just like that.
And Why isn't alcoholism discussed more publicly and also people warned more in depth or something!? ~after all, we are talking about peoples lives here..... And I dont care whether Im now called codependent over this, but people can either help each other heal or break each other apart. And that's a fact- codependent or no codependent.
p.s. I do realise it is a disease, so I wish all of them recovery etc. (no doubt about that), but this ignorance has to stop somehow and tolerating all kinds of sh*t in our society-in general.
Anyway, as you can see, Im still sad and angry, and letting go is extremely tough task for me here. And I keep asking myself= When will I learn (and what exactly am I suppose to from all of this chaos)!?
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"But I keep thinking how it shouldn't be this easy for anyone to simply help screw someone's life and move on just like that."
You're assuming you know he's not suffering. Heck maybe he's not. I would have guessed that a person who can't get through the day without anesthetizing him- or herself is probably unhappy on some level, or many levels.
"And Why isn't alcoholism discussed more publicly and also people warned more in depth or something!?"
I guess because 1) the people addicted deny it
2) their friends and family hope their worst fears aren't true, or don't have enough day-to-day contact to know there's a problem. I attended a birthday party for a college chum who'd been clean and sober for many years, and one of the guest brought wine as a present. I can't imagine how they *didn't* know, but they didn't.
3) No matter how much an individual is warned, there are many who are determined to believe that their relationship is different, their addict isn't really an addict, just 'parties a lot.' they alone hold the key to a partner's sobriety, partner drinks because of stress, awful FOO, last boyfriend or girlfriend did 'em wrong. I **married** a man because I knew what a great guy he was (he was in love with me, after all, no problems with his judgement) and I **knew** he'd outgrow drinking so much. My Dad was a functional alcoholic, so maybe I was just used to red flags flapping in the breeze.
The first time I was told "life isn't fair" I was probably 11 or 12. It wasn't a new concept I encountered in adulthood.
You're assuming you know he's not suffering. Heck maybe he's not. I would have guessed that a person who can't get through the day without anesthetizing him- or herself is probably unhappy on some level, or many levels.
"And Why isn't alcoholism discussed more publicly and also people warned more in depth or something!?"
I guess because 1) the people addicted deny it
2) their friends and family hope their worst fears aren't true, or don't have enough day-to-day contact to know there's a problem. I attended a birthday party for a college chum who'd been clean and sober for many years, and one of the guest brought wine as a present. I can't imagine how they *didn't* know, but they didn't.
3) No matter how much an individual is warned, there are many who are determined to believe that their relationship is different, their addict isn't really an addict, just 'parties a lot.' they alone hold the key to a partner's sobriety, partner drinks because of stress, awful FOO, last boyfriend or girlfriend did 'em wrong. I **married** a man because I knew what a great guy he was (he was in love with me, after all, no problems with his judgement) and I **knew** he'd outgrow drinking so much. My Dad was a functional alcoholic, so maybe I was just used to red flags flapping in the breeze.
The first time I was told "life isn't fair" I was probably 11 or 12. It wasn't a new concept I encountered in adulthood.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
I think people say "life isn't fair" because everybody, you, your neighbor, your second grade teacher, that person at work you don't like, ALL have or have had hurts, disappointments, and unfair things happen in their lives. It's not to justify or minimize what happened, it's to remind someone that every single person you meet is dealing with rubbish that happened to them they didn't want to happen.
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Hi, Abandoned.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your situation but glad you found us.
Your experience does sound very similar to the other ones we read about here.
The addict meets someone, is not drinking, then after some time the drinking ramps up, the relationship gets rocky, and things eventually blow up.
First, know that you are not alone.
There is lots of support here.
Second, and this is my opinion only, so take it for what it’s worth: I believe that alcohol addicts approach relationships as “this time is going to be different. This new person will make me whole.”
Of course, that can never happen because the ability to get sober and stay in recovery must come from within.
I would point out that, while you loved this man and gave the relationship 3 years, you weren’t married, you didn’t have children together, and, hopefully, your finances are intact. The situation could have become more complicated and problematic in time
It may not seem so now, but this man has given you a great gift: life without an addict in it.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your situation but glad you found us.
Your experience does sound very similar to the other ones we read about here.
The addict meets someone, is not drinking, then after some time the drinking ramps up, the relationship gets rocky, and things eventually blow up.
First, know that you are not alone.
There is lots of support here.
Second, and this is my opinion only, so take it for what it’s worth: I believe that alcohol addicts approach relationships as “this time is going to be different. This new person will make me whole.”
Of course, that can never happen because the ability to get sober and stay in recovery must come from within.
I would point out that, while you loved this man and gave the relationship 3 years, you weren’t married, you didn’t have children together, and, hopefully, your finances are intact. The situation could have become more complicated and problematic in time
It may not seem so now, but this man has given you a great gift: life without an addict in it.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
@Velma I was thinking more like speaking about it in the media, on the news, having some more in depth prevention programs incorporated in schools, more informed tv shows, talk shows etc. (instead of keeping up with Kardashians for example lol).
As even if, INDEED, 'life isn't fair' phrase got engraved in all of us pretty early 'in the game' so to speak, we can also see it as some sort of limitation that we can hopefully grow out of, and strive for something more solid instead, society-wise.
And perhaps I do sound a bit overly idealistic now, but I hope that the fact that alcoholics UNDENIABLY hurt A LOT (i know that 100 percent from being really close with my X) doesn't mean they can just hop on and off from one terrible situation to the next, but perhaps there can be another, better way of helping them out of their illness longterm. Educating people on the depth of the issue would be a huge step in this direction, I think.
I do wish everyone the best and that they overcome all the hurdles life imposes. And I know we can ALL do it. The challenge is to find out HOW to do it most effectively. In a good and least destructive way for everyone involved, if ANY possibility.
p.s. This woman is amazing by the way, and has contributed A LOT to overall knowledge on the issue. Please check her out on youtube- if you havent already! Her name is Grace Chatting!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-GnS3VDpRY[/url]
Peace to all! <3
As even if, INDEED, 'life isn't fair' phrase got engraved in all of us pretty early 'in the game' so to speak, we can also see it as some sort of limitation that we can hopefully grow out of, and strive for something more solid instead, society-wise.
And perhaps I do sound a bit overly idealistic now, but I hope that the fact that alcoholics UNDENIABLY hurt A LOT (i know that 100 percent from being really close with my X) doesn't mean they can just hop on and off from one terrible situation to the next, but perhaps there can be another, better way of helping them out of their illness longterm. Educating people on the depth of the issue would be a huge step in this direction, I think.
I do wish everyone the best and that they overcome all the hurdles life imposes. And I know we can ALL do it. The challenge is to find out HOW to do it most effectively. In a good and least destructive way for everyone involved, if ANY possibility.
p.s. This woman is amazing by the way, and has contributed A LOT to overall knowledge on the issue. Please check her out on youtube- if you havent already! Her name is Grace Chatting!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-GnS3VDpRY[/url]
Peace to all! <3
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
To make the long story short, I am still hurting very much so, we are doing NC now. And its been actually even worse for me these days, which kind of concerns me. As I thought the pain would diminish over time
I have shared so much with him, and him with me. He told me his deepest secrets, he cried in my arms (not in a whiny way, but sincerely, over some childhood hurts). Having said that, I thought we were closest as there is possible, and that we could help each other through any and all obstacles.
I freak out even to the slightest indication that someone is interested in me romantically. Im not sure if I could ever trust another man anymore.
- Give it more time, attend Al Anon and/or an anxiety support group.
- Do it anyway, go on a date or two, think of it as just going out for a movie or whatever, it's supposed to be fun, try to view it that way. Maybe not right away, you still have healing to do, but don't put it off too long?
- Get some professional support, therapy.
Remember dating before you met the alcoholic? Most people, in general are not as unreliable as addicts.
Everyone is saying life isn't fair, and they think how such statements should make it all less serious and more justifiable somehow. But I keep thinking how it shouldn't be this easy for anyone to simply help screw someones life and move on just like that.
And Why isn't alcoholism discussed more publicly and also people warned more in depth or something!?
A few years ago, where I live, they raised taxes on alcohol and cigarettes, there was a huge outcry about the alcohol and they immediately rescinded it. Smokers don't complain, of course, because they have been made to be the whipping post. Now cannabis is legal here too. Very little education, oh but they will spread the word! Not happening (funnily they aren't making as much money off it as they anticipated).
I agree that alcohol education is lacking. Drink if you want to, but make the facts easy to access.
Anyway, as you can see, Im still sad and angry, and letting go is extremely tough task for me here. And I keep asking myself= When will I learn (and what exactly am I suppose to from all of this chaos)!?
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Fiona......now that you have gone NC....(if it is really your final NC)….it will be sort of like starting at the beginning of the grieving period. With the contact that you have had...it was reinforcing your connection....Intermittent Reinforcement....which is, actually, the strongest kind.
I think you are feeling worse, again, because you have been slammed back to the "free bleed" part of the grieving process...and, if you hang on to the decision to leave the relationship as a part of the Past...it WILL get easier, at time goes on....in fits and starts of course.....
Like Trailmix, I don't know what lesson/s you will learn. I like to think of it as "wisdom collected".....lol....
Much of our wisdom does come from the inevitable hard challenges that we face in this life.
Not now, of course....but, 5yrs. or 10yrs. down the road....I dare say that you will look back on this experience with collected wisdom and learning...and, it will be mostly, about Yourself!
Right now, I know it all feels like it is about him....if you only understood him more.....if you only understood what makes him tick...if you only u nderstood how he could walk away, when he should have stayed.....if only there was some Justice dealt out..to him...for what he did....etc, etc.....
but, one day, you will be past him (I promise),,,,and what you will know is all about yourself....and, it will feel o.k...…
Sure, you will have memories (unless you have dementia)….but, they will be fleeting...and, they won't cause a feeling like the twisting of a serrated knife in your gut.....like it does now.....
I think you are feeling worse, again, because you have been slammed back to the "free bleed" part of the grieving process...and, if you hang on to the decision to leave the relationship as a part of the Past...it WILL get easier, at time goes on....in fits and starts of course.....
Like Trailmix, I don't know what lesson/s you will learn. I like to think of it as "wisdom collected".....lol....
Much of our wisdom does come from the inevitable hard challenges that we face in this life.
Not now, of course....but, 5yrs. or 10yrs. down the road....I dare say that you will look back on this experience with collected wisdom and learning...and, it will be mostly, about Yourself!
Right now, I know it all feels like it is about him....if you only understood him more.....if you only understood what makes him tick...if you only u nderstood how he could walk away, when he should have stayed.....if only there was some Justice dealt out..to him...for what he did....etc, etc.....
but, one day, you will be past him (I promise),,,,and what you will know is all about yourself....and, it will feel o.k...…
Sure, you will have memories (unless you have dementia)….but, they will be fleeting...and, they won't cause a feeling like the twisting of a serrated knife in your gut.....like it does now.....
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
@trailmix wow such a spot on analysis. And I so agree on the funding issue too. Unfortunately people and their wellbeing is neglected lot of the times and i hope one day we can make a difference by raising awareness in a more efficient sense.💗
@dandilyion i know its about me. But its about him too. We all are here together in this world, and if one person suffers, we all suffer! At least this is how i see things. And i do take full on responsibility for myself and my own decisions (and im proud of them so far by the way), but i still see how its all inter-related.
Also, youre so right-it WILL pass. The heartache and the dissapointment . Thank you so much for your soothing words💗
@dandilyion i know its about me. But its about him too. We all are here together in this world, and if one person suffers, we all suffer! At least this is how i see things. And i do take full on responsibility for myself and my own decisions (and im proud of them so far by the way), but i still see how its all inter-related.
Also, youre so right-it WILL pass. The heartache and the dissapointment . Thank you so much for your soothing words💗
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
Fionna - sorry to hear that you are also going through something similar. Funny how their feelings can change almost overnight after YEARS together and for such vague reasons. I agree - alcoholism really isn’t talked about as much as it should be and I was in no way equipped to grasp the seriousness of it and the progressive nature. Everything you said, I have also thought. Another relationship right now does not sound appealing to me at all, but I hope that in time it will. No doubt my ex will move on quickly as I think they never get so emotionally invested and from what I can tell, compartmentalize pretty well. In the meantime, I just adopted a dog from a shelter and that keeps me pretty occupied
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Hi, Abandoned.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your situation but glad you found us.
Your experience does sound very similar to the other ones we read about here.
The addict meets someone, is not drinking, then after some time the drinking ramps up, the relationship gets rocky, and things eventually blow up.
First, know that you are not alone.
There is lots of support here.
Second, and this is my opinion only, so take it for what it’s worth: I believe that alcohol addicts approach relationships as “this time is going to be different. This new person will make me whole.”
Of course, that can never happen because the ability to get sober and stay in recovery must come from within.
I would point out that, while you loved this man and gave the relationship 3 years, you weren’t married, you didn’t have children together, and, hopefully, your finances are intact. The situation could have become more complicated and problematic in time
It may not seem so now, but this man has given you a great gift: life without an addict in it.
Welcome.
Very sorry for your situation but glad you found us.
Your experience does sound very similar to the other ones we read about here.
The addict meets someone, is not drinking, then after some time the drinking ramps up, the relationship gets rocky, and things eventually blow up.
First, know that you are not alone.
There is lots of support here.
Second, and this is my opinion only, so take it for what it’s worth: I believe that alcohol addicts approach relationships as “this time is going to be different. This new person will make me whole.”
Of course, that can never happen because the ability to get sober and stay in recovery must come from within.
I would point out that, while you loved this man and gave the relationship 3 years, you weren’t married, you didn’t have children together, and, hopefully, your finances are intact. The situation could have become more complicated and problematic in time
It may not seem so now, but this man has given you a great gift: life without an addict in it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Abandoned80
The tent stakes are such a good analogy here. I always did have a creeping sense that (other than the first year or so), he was not doing the things one would normally do to get deeper into a relationship. I noticed that (and I know Facebook is a stupid way to judge anything) he wouldn’t accept friend requests from my friends or family, and kept his friend list very sparse. He seemed a bit perturbed when a few of his friends reached out to me on there. He also started to make zero attempt at being sociable with my family, to the point where they actually asked me if he didn’t like them (they’ve been nothing but kind and welcoming). After 3 years, this should have all been more concerning to me than it was, but I over time just considered him a private, moody type person. Why would he have wanted to get a house together if he wasn’t planning for the long haul? Again, denial in high gear.
I've started talking to a guy who recently came to see a show I was in. I was floored when he hung around after the show and actually spoke with almost every single person who was in the show. These people, who I've done theatre with for between 3-15 years (depending on the person) have barely even spoken to my ex because he was always so stand-offish if he even bothered to show up.
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