Bekindalways

Ugh Kokoro, this is why I said what I did about "emotional intensive care". I often think leaving an addict hurts more than death. Also, unfortunately, to get to the other side, you have to grieve, and grieving takes time and is excruciatingly painful.

I remember the pain was so bad I thought people could see it. It felt like it glowed in the dark. I cried in the shower and even in my sleep.

Since that time, I don't judge people who stay in crap relationships; it is just so darn tough to leave.

I counted the days since I last spoke with him and figured everyday I got through was one day closer to being done with grieving.

Please keep getting through the weeks, days, minutes the best you can. It really is a "one day at a time" situation.

trailmix

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this right now. I totally get it. I went through a break up once that was particularly painful - as in devastating grief. It was a dark, dark place. The few people I talked to were actually getting seriously concerned for me, heck I was concerned for me!

I didn't know what to do with this pain. Where do I put it, how do I MAKE this better? It was kind of scary to be honest.

This is what I did and I don't recommend it - . I was still in contact with the ex in this story, he had moved back to where he had come from. Honestly there was no way this relationship would ever work, but there seemed to be this big void where he once was (long complicated story precedes all this that I won't bore you with).

So I said to him, I need you to come back here. Yep. He agreed to do that. So back he came (about 6 weeks or so later?). He moved in. It was great for about a week maybe? By then the mask was off, he had changed even in those few weeks, more disordered than even I thought he might be lol

The relationship ended again after about 2 long months and I asked him to leave and he did. We no longer speak to each other (after staying in contact for a few months after that) and I couldn't care less.

So no, I don't recommend it but in my case it surely worked. The difference is, you already have your "proof" if you like. He has lied and lied and lied to you. He is not showing you his "true" self, he is showing you what he wants you to see.

Now if everyone did that, wouldn't we be a great bunch! How great would we all look if we hid all our weaknesses and silliness and ridiculous things we do. That's what you have seen so far. You don't know him sober, you know what he has shown you.

Just as I knew the guy in this story - as he showed me (he did slip quite often towards end of relationship part A - and show me his dark side).

You have a huge void right now which was filled with looking out for this guy who, from your description, is rather nice (aside from the huge lies about his addiction).

This doesn't have to be the end of the relationship, he's not dead, he's in rehab. Give him 6 months to sober up and try to get himself straight then maybe agree to talk, just talk.

You may be surprised that this is something you don't actually want or you may decide to wait ANOTHER 6 months and see how his sobriety is going.

Don't be surprised to see him going through some huge changes if he does manage to stay sober and work on recovery.

You want children and marriage, right now he is your focus for these things as he is a relationship you have just left. That doesn't mean that the love of your life isn't waiting just around the corner.

Kokoro

Thanks so much bekind and trailmix. I feel like I am just pouring out emotion everywhere, it's actually really tiring. Like I had a bad curry, it literally feels like I am just constantly throwing it all up. Then I get some respite by distracting myself for a bit/sleeping...then it starts all over again. I have never handled a break up this badly before. Then again I have never been in a relationship which I cared so much about before but damn, it's just so unfair.

@bekind: I think I just do need to remember to take it one day at a time. Maybe I'll try hitting up an alanon meeting next week, I did try 5 meetings but wasn't all that keen (I have been using SMART but only online because no face to face available in my area). I really do get the "dark glow" thing, I am dreading seeing my friends this weekend but I know I have to.
@trailmix: I actually was going to do that. When he had his lapse I initially said 6 months no contact. That slipped by the wayside and then he had another slip 2 weeks ago (who knows maybe he had more slips in between, I wasn't seeing him everyday having been kicked out) and I just called it off at that point. I feel like the kinder thing to do to myself and him is to just go no contact for a year minimum (plus isn't it an AA thing, no relationships for a year?). My "higher power" belief is that if it really is meant to be a years separation won't kill off any love, but if not then that's okay atleast we had a year to focus on ourselves. My other belief is that if our love was the cost for his sobriety and living a good life then I can't begrudge that (God I sound like a bloody martyr, how codependent am I?!) I am actually grateful he is in rehab, no way I can contact him.
I am going to make myself a hot chocolate and have an early night and hope the nightmares will stop

trailmix

I hope the nightmares will stop too.

The AA no big changes for a year is a suggestion, certainly not a rule but I think it's a great suggestion.

So after dysfunctional relationship Parts A and B - these were some tools I used to really get past it.

Watching action movies, like Iron Man for instance. Why? Well because I hadn't seen any of them - so there were a lot to watch and you can tune out of them for a few minutes and not miss much. They are not romantic, they are funny at times and again, you don't have to invest too much attention to somewhat enjoy them. When you feel your mind wandering, drag it back to the movie. Watch the whole series.

I used an OTC sleep aid for several weeks, every night (probably longer than recommended). I'm a good sleeper but I wanted guaranteed sleep - this really helped, I'm not great when i'm tired.

I had a list of all the really awful things he had said and done. I referred to it anytime I starting thinking fondly of him. I think I was lucky in a way. During relationship part B he completely took his mask off and it was not good.

I went to my GP to talk about depression. I think this is important. Situational depression is still depression.

I talked - a lot. Luckily I have a great person in my life who listened and listened and talked with me. This was incredibly important.

This all helped and eventually, after about 6 months of no contact, I was over it. Just to reassure you, it was progressive, I just kept feeling better and better.

dandylion

Kokoro…...When I was going through my extreme grieving (please read my post to you on the last page)…..It hurt so bad that , at times, I couldn't breathe.....
Fast forward, one year.....and, my l ife had changed 180 degrees....with a most wonderful man, entering my life that was a to become a true and lasting love.....
Plus....different house, different location, different job....very different life style....
the sun had come out and I laughed, again.....
In my first few months of grieving.....if you had told me that, I would have though that you would be lying....

LifeChangeNYC

Bekindalways

How are you today Kokoro? I hope you are riding the ups and downs. They should keep rolling in . . . . hmmm . . . although at this point it may just be downs and worse that roll in.

Kokoro

Hi everyone, again thank you all for your kind posts. Honestly it really means alot. I have talked to friends about this but none of them have ever been with an addict..or even broke off a relationship whilst still being in love with the other person. It weirdly helps writing out on here. I haven't done journaling in years but I might do that as well.

Today I got an email from my ex. His rehab allows phone use for an hour each day. I couldn't delete it but I sent it to another email which has a password only my friend knows then got rid of it. Did you know that blocked emails get sent to spam also I then noted he had tried to call me (blocked his number but it shows up on my missed call list). I actually initially got a bit angry. I had told him quite clearly please no contact and yet here he is doing that. I was especially angry that he has used an email I sent him a while back as his strength. I was like "this is emotional blackmail, you know this is emotional blackmail". And he signed it off "all my love". I just want him to stop. It's really hurting me. It's just...hurt.

I tried watching a few documentaries today (sorry no iron man for me...watched all of those films with my ex ) including a drama about domestic violence. I know it's not the same but it did hammer home how easy it is to go "oh it can't get worse".

I wish this crying would bloody stop. It's a horrible build up and then bang it all comes out.

I got myself all waxed for spa tomorrow with the girls. This weekend is going to be tough but I know I have to

@sparklekitty; thanks for your kind words, I missed your comment last time!
@dandylion; again I missed your comment on the 1st page. It really does feel like I can't breathe sometimes. I just can't fathom dating at the moment. I tried looking up dating for 29 year olds and I just felt really sick.
@trailmix; The worst is I have tried to write a cons list for my ex as most people do but..I just can't other than "lying about alcohol". I think I am still too close to my ex at the moment.
@bekind; thanks for hecking in on me. I really am trying but damn...sometimes I wish he never came into my life!
@life; I can only hope that 6 months things will clear up

trailmix

I think they will be Kokoro. The only thing you have to do is look after yourself well. That's it. He's looking after himself, you don't need to worry about him for one minute. He is getting counselling and care and people are supporting him (oh if only the person on the outside got that care!).

Well in fact there are healing retreats for break-ups. If you are looking for things to do with a lot of spare money!

It really is sad. The thing with the dysfunctional/people with a mental illness is that there can really be a good almost outweighs the bad. In fact there are many people with different disorders, as I'm sure you know, that get along just fine in relationships.

Unfortunately alcoholism is not one of those disorders.

Alcoholism (by and large) is incredibly destructive. You were not around him long enough as an active addict to see the huge downside, you only got a glimpse of it. Oh, she can't know about all this drinking I'm doing so I'll hide it. That's not just a lie, that's a big old plan, a way of daily life. He may have lied to you about it a hundred times, he may have been drinking the whole time then lost "control". No way to know because - he lies.

If we all drugged ourselves each time we got stressed out or sad or whatever, we would probably appear to be much nicer people too! The thought of doing that is foreign to me but to the alcoholic it's the norm.

Then there was this:

You had a breathalyzer! What is there to believe or not believe, science is science, facts are facts. Now, it's not personal, he is not drinking at you, he is just drinking, it's what alcoholics do. His first love is alcohol, above all others, including you and himself.

It is a tragedy, yes. But again, as I said, he is not dead, just in rehab. This is something that person I confided in said to me when I was melting down. She said, he's not dead, you could actually pick up the phone and call him you know.

Oh. Ok, Well that put a little different spin on things. This was MY choice I was making, this isn't something that was taken away from me, this was something I was choosing AND I could put a stop to it at any time.

But I didn't and I will tell you why. All trust was lost. I thought to myself, even before going no-contact, uh oh, this person still has power to hurt me and just might because he really can't be trusted, he is not stable or normal, he's actually quite mean in his passive aggressive sneaky way. That was all it took for me to stop talking.

So maybe ask yourself. Can you trust him with your feelings? Apparently not because he really hurt you.

When he got mad at you for calling him out on his lies - that is a gigantic, waving in the wind - red flag. That shows delusion, he is making up his own rules about the world. Really, kinda YOUR fault. If you could just shut up about it then he wouldn't have to lie and you two could just carry on, right?

I hope he grabs on to recovery and does well with it. In the meantime, I hope you will start to feel better every day, you will not always feel like this.

Not sure if you have seen these articles?

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html

"First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.

Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress".

dandylion

Kokoro…..don't be upset about the crying. Crying has a natural and important function. Tears do have several important functions in the body...and, one very important one is to allow us to express emotions.....
Lots of crying is a common occurance in the early stages of grieving, especially.
If I hadn't been able to cry, I don't know how I would have managed, in those days. I don't feel any guilt or shame, over my tears....
Mother nature arranges it this way.....

I didn't mean to imply that you should begin dating, necessarily. When I said that I met the future greatest love of my life....I wasn't looking for it...or, attempting to date...
I had been actively grieving, for several months...and, I accidently stumbled over him.....in the course of an ordinary work day.....It was at the point that I still (mistakenly) thought that no man would ever be as glorious as my recent ex.....!....lol.....
Actually, the "new" man left the other man behind in the dust. Who knew!

Grieving is actually the first step in the healing process….we have to grieve as much as we need to, in order to be able to, eventually, go forward....
We stop grieving (usually, gradually), when we are "ready" to do so...When we no longer need it.....
There is no point in fighting the grief...as, grief WILL have it's own way.
It is sort of like surfing...it is best to ride the waves.....

Kokoro

Genuinely guys, I mean it. I am finally on a computer which works and can finally type properly.

Weekend was tough. I had a lot of meeting up with friends and doing nice things but it was exhausting. They were trying to do nice things for my birthday (in a few weeks), so I was really grateful. I am quite lucky like that. I was just very aware I was not present and...I honestly did feel like just running home as soon as possible.

Also I have completely gone off alcohol completely. Is that really irrational? I have never had a problem with alcohol (I drank maybe once a month if that?) and now even looking at the wine menu I just felt sick. I did stop drinking to help him so haven't any alcohol for about a year, and when my best mate tried to sell it that I can drink, it just wasn't really something to get excited about.

I am just accepting that the crying will be with me for a while and there is nothing I can do but to just let it happen. I have had a number of problems in my life (not happy in my career, issues with family, just generally feeling lonely) and I really felt I had found "my person" who I can face it all. I was also hitting the "right" age where everyone is settling down, it felt like all my pieces were coming together. It's weird, I honestly thought I was very fiercely independent as a person (I did not want to get married, my parents are married but honestly they should have separated years ago but stuck together "for the kids") but with all of this I feel like I have lost a limb or two through losing him.

I have had been thinking maybe I can revisit the situation with my ex in a year...but on the other hand the grief I am experiencing right now, I'm not sure if I can do this again in all honesty. My family all know what has happened and my mum in particular will absolutely hate that if I did as she is seeing how much hurt I have sustained and also knows how much I put into the relationship as well. I very nearly threw away my career for him and I did a lot of covering up as well.

I just feel a bit exhausted with life at the moment.

trailmix

Yay for getting the computer that works! I am very "keyboard sensitive" so I understand lol

I also understand what you are saying.

That initial time, those first few months. It is exhausting. You force yourself to go out or visit with people and it really is no different than anything else. Why isn't he here with me? You are "apart" from the group, not really enjoying yourself.

I never found a solution to that really and really isolated myself because of that. I felt I didn't want to visit my misery on anyone else. Again, I would not recommend this because it is not helpful at all. Your friends want to support you and even though it doesn't seem like it's doing good for you, it probably is. Little by little your mind will shift from depressing thoughts of him to what so and so said today or do you want to go to lunch with so and so on Friday.

MaresyDoats

I second the comment about seeing a doctor for depression. I really feel like my doctor has “saved” me several times throughout my life. When I initially made up my mind to divorce my husband a few months ago, I went into a spiral. I could barely force myself out of bed to go to work. And once I got there I could not focus and would break out in tears for no apparent reason throughout the day. I finally decided to discuss my situation with my boss. (Luckily I have a very understanding and sympathetic boss and feel comfortable doing that.) Because I felt I was not giving my usual 100% and knew it was affecting my work. I thought it was less embarrassing to talk to her about it than to let her think I was slacking off. Now I’m on a medication that is helping. The anxiety and stress are still there – I still feel it. But my sadness feels more “normal” and isn’t controlling my life.

HardLessons

Kokoro

I read your posts. I totally relate & understand how you are feeling.

I detached from her (my addict) I don't know how I was even able to do it. I crawled away from her. I knew I had to get away from her but also knew with all my heart it was going to be extremely difficult for me to actually do it. I did do it. I take no pride in saying that.

I did have to go & get some professional help. I did have (still do) tons of help here on SR. I didn't post my story until after I detached from her. But I knew I needed more than that.

I needed one on one professional help to gain clear understanding & put things into a healthy perspective. I wanted desperately to get away from her & her totally crazy life but at the same time didn't think I could live without her in my life. That was a very rough place to be. I love her more than anything.

If you think you need some professional help please do yourself a favor & get it lined up. Hopefully you will get a more healthy perspective on your situation.

I know none of this is easy. Please take care.

Thlayli

I've read through the thread but this part stuck out to me. I've been on here right around 10 years. It took that long for me to finally let him be gone (we did/do have a child involved so there's a slight difference). I'm thinking there are a lot of people on here who, like me, have been here a LONG time. Wonder if it would be helpful to you to look some of us up and read old threads? It helps me steel my own resolve.

seekingcalm

Kokoro,
I have been where you are, and I left because I was losing my mind having someone I love lie to my face, both of us knowing it was a lie. I left because he began to blame me for his drinking. "If I trusted him not to drink, he wouldn't have to drink". That kind of talk can make a normal person insane.
I left for me, but also because I believed that until he had no one else to blame, he would never find recovery. I left for me, but I know it was also for him.
I went no contact, and put the focus on myself, and left him to himself. I have never regretted that decision.
Take care of you, and have faith that he is the only one responsible for his recovery or lack thereof.
Keep posting, and know that you will soon feel better. This is so hard, I know, we all know unfortunately, but it gets better. You are going to be just fine.

Kokoro

Hi everyone. I will write a better post in a few days time but just wanted to say thanks again. I did heed the advice of getting some professional help and I will be seeing a counsellor tomorrow. Even if it is for the short term, it will be something.

Seekingcalm, that was the clincher for me, the lying to my face was going to drive me insane. The argueing over the very blatant lying (I had a breathalyzer for heavens sake) was going to drive me insane.
Trailmix, thanks again for all of your support, seeing your continuing posts is really....I just can't believe how kind you are.
Hardlessons, I absolutely get the crawling away comment, I really do and I am getting counselling now
Thlayli, I had been engrossed looking at peoples past threads..I have decided to take a small break from it...I need a bit of a break and return to normal life at some point.

I received an email regarding a letter from his rehab. A letter for him about how he treated me so it can be read out. Is that normal?

trailmix

You're very welcome you know. I'm so glad you keep coming back and sharing your experience here and in other threads.

So glad to hear about the counselling. Can't hurt and can help and why not give it a try, good for you. I should probably be in therapy and stop in at an ACOA meeting beforehand and Al-Anon afterward, but it's 9 degrees out, snowing and windy : / (I know I am supposed to ignore that stuff).

I did see someone else post once about a similar letter being requested. If I remember correctly they decided not to send one. That is, of course, an option.

What is your initial reaction?

Kokoro

Hi everyone,

Sorry I trailed off towards the end of the week. I had a busy weekend... well I say busy. I was celebrating my birthday and it was tough. My mother took me out to a really nice restaurant for lunch and had family round across the 2 days. Had many well wishers and did feel really loved.I am glad it is over though, I had been dreading it for a few weeks and now I can move on and try to make my 31st better than my 30th. I was incredibly sad on the day. I even snapped at my mother which I deeply regret doing (she was trying her best, but I have often been the one to "do things" in my family and my birthday just happens to be one of those days where I did not want to do anything so my mother trying to take me out but then not figuring it out herself....anyway I felt rotten afterwards.)

I saw him on Sunday as his birthday is 2 days after mine. I knew he had a few hours of visitation during the weekend from the email I received. I deliberated on seeing him for a few days and I was almost ashamed to admit it on here that I was contemplating even doing that.

It was...very bittersweet. I went there thinking I had resolved in my head this was not going to go any further. I melted as soon as I saw him. He didn't beg me to try and resolve the relationship. He said he completely understood but he did ask if I can consider it and not to give an answer until he came out of rehab.

I think the thing I have come to realise though through having had time away from him was that I really needed space. And that it is okay to ask for that. I had enough strength to tell him how broken I was and I just needed space. He wasn't keen and felt that in order to work on our relationship is to communicate. I actually stood my ground on this which I am proud of in the very least. I know I am in no headspace to continue any relationship right now, let alone this one. I told him clearly that whilst I am proud of the work he is doing but there is just so much damage, I will continue to hurt if I be with him and I will then lash out and hurt him, endangering his own sobriety. I think he understood that.

When you hit your lowest point, the greatest change can come about and I am beginning to feel that. I might be deluding myself but I can see the sparks of that happening with him and seeing that, I want that for myself. There are number of issues in myself I need to tackle and that is work which only I can do in myself. I am unhappy in my career, I don't know what I want in life. I have a codependent relationship with family members and I am nowhere near as independent as I want to be because I have been stifled for a while (I am asian so make of that what you will). I am not where I want to be in life at all and my partners problem masked a lot of that because I have my own codependency issues.

I told him, 6 months no contact and that I am really doing this for myself, not because of him. He seemed to understand that. He told me he will show me his 6 month chip then.

Sigh... for now, just focussing on me and my needs.

@ trailmix: my initial reaction was not to do it but...eventually I did do one, I handed it in on the Sunday. There is a friends and family day in a few days time but I am going to not go for my own sake. His parents need it more than me in any case and I think them seeing me will hurt them too.

trailmix

Yes, I think if I was in that situation I would write the letter as well, might be a good thing all around.

I'm glad you decided to focus on yourself. I'm wondering if you are seeing (or wondering or pondering) if this relationship is right for you in the long run. I suppose it's really hard to know since he will obviously be changing.

I'm sorry your Birthday wasn't more fun, but happy birthday! Yes, I'm not too interested in birthday celebration either, so I just put a stop to it lol