CoffeeBuff

My mother's husband is dying today or tomorrow. She is 85 and so is he. They have been married 39 years.
Out parents have money and my 2 alcoholic brothers and non alcoholic sister have been like vultures and shown their true colors the last year and a half. I am the oldest and my siblings have sabotaged me all my life and made me an outcast just because I was the oldest and they were motivated by greed. Now my brother sent me a huge amount of abusive text creating an argument about the circumstances of this man's death and then turned on me placing blame with an absurd tirade. I even attempted to make peace and apologized for something that wasn't my fault and he again turned it around into an abusive rant.

Then yesterday my mother's husband's alcoholic daughter flew in from out of town and showed up at his deathbed. She was adopted by a billionaire (her mother remarried)as a young teen. Which was always a sore spot for her father. In the last few years she has been communicating with him and attempting to bond. In addition to that she has children that are not her biological children that she tried to pass off as his grandchildren. My mother said the daughter was staying in his room every day all day. I consulted my spiritual advisor and then told my mother that "If she is interfering then she needs to show some respect and step aside because you are the most important person in his life, period." My mother then basically told her to say her goodbyes and move on. Her behavior was inappropriate and my mother said she was trying to control everything. This was the appropriate action. I called her a vulture and my brother had an adverse reaction to that and an abusive reaction to everything I said and blaming it on me. I am glad my mother did what she did thanks to my encouragement, and even my brother said "good for her" and then turned on me for the same thing.

Bekindalways

This sounds beyond difficult Coffee. Sometimes the best thing you can do is double down on your own self care as well as working hard on your side of the street.

Easier said than done.

Seren

I'm sorry you find yourself in this horrible family situation, CB. Money can bring out the worst in some.

I'm guessing that your Mom and her husband have written final directives and filed them with an attorney. Based on my own limited experience, it was easier for me to allow the attorney to handle all communication about wills etc.

As far as the abusive texts, perhaps change your text notification tone for specific family members so you can decide whether or not you want to read them for now. Other than that, perhaps place the phone on silent when you need to?

Hang in there! None of this is easy!!

hopeful4

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. My thoughts are with you!

trailmix

I understood right away that you were trying to reassure him that maybe it wasn't last rites (ie: maybe he has more time left).

Your Brother completely missed that point and you didn't pick up on that.

Conversations like this should never be held in text really?

It's just a misunderstanding but look how it escalated.

CoffeeBuff

I did pick up on that because I pointed it out several times.
I also apologized in an attempt to make peace and said it was a misunderstanding.
Then he started in again.
He missed the point because he didn't care about anything except using it as opportunity to verbally abuse me. He knows I have been in AA for 25 years and he has been using drugs and alcohol all of his life.
Our mother won't give him money, his life is in the toilet, and he actually blames me for that. He even says as much. It's about , money, power and entitlement.

trailmix

Right, yes, I re-read it and see you mentioned that earlier.

Have you thought about detaching from him? If this is where communication is at for the two of you, is that something you want in your life?

CoffeeBuff

Now I have to drive 350 miles roundtrip to the service which is a great hardship for me. I am disabled, I don't have the money and my car doesn't work right.. After much spiritual guidance thru the years I have realized that I need to maintain a no contact policy with my 3 siblings. Even minimal contact results in issues bad for my health. So I am going to the service to pay my respects to my mother and after that I see no other choice but to leave.
I recently sent her a very nice birthday gift and told her that "I look forward to spending time with you in the future but I am not comfortable staying under the same roof with my siblings and frankly, I don't know why you are either."
I would appreciate some advice on how to deal with this memorial service situation. I want to spend time alone with my mother but that is not possible in this situation. I do not want to intermingle with my siblings.
Any advice is appreciated.

Mango212

Learning how to understand and make peace with your childhood is one of the most healing and empowering experiences you could ever go through.


Gaining new skills in dealing with life can be a transformative process.

Perhaps keeping a daily journal for self reflection will help in empowering you in your own life, open up more awareness and have a place to focus on yourself beyond the chaos.

Serenity Prayer

God, Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.

Mango212

Hi Coffee,

Also keep in mind, some people get a thrill from causing hurt. We can't change them. We can change how we approach a day.

What is best for you in this day? Taking really good care of you, 'filling your own cup' first and getting to know self and your own needs will empower you to move beyond the pain and be with family members in healthy ways.

What hobbies do you have?

Time outdoors can also be important.