celebration123

Hi Guys
It's my 47th birthday next week. The first one without my ex for some years. I've arranged a lunch with my dad and step mum and 5 of my dearest friends who have carried me through this last 10 months. The following day I'm flying off to Spain for 5 days with another wonderful friend.
So this is all proactive and positive, yes?
So why am I stressing about hearing from him/ not hearing from him?...
If he does text I'll be a mess, if he doesn't I'll be a mess.
I've got to the point where I can't stop wondering about... has he been dating, has he picked up a drink, if so how many times, what's his new house like, how are his kids and his parents, what's he been telling people... has he persued things with his receptionist...
Gosh I know this isn't healthy, I know.
I know he's non of my business now but my brain is battling me right now!
Oh help me please wise people xxx

hopeful4

It sounds like you have some amazing plans coming up! Put all that energy into having a wonderful time and enjoying every moment. Have you thought of blocking him just so you don't have to go through this? Going no contact is the way to truly start over and get some peace!

I hope you enjoy your birthday next week, and your amazing trip! Big hugs!

Ariesagain

First off, well done you on making lovely plans for yourself for your birthday! That’s all kinds of healthy and impressive.

Now. Why would you ruin all that by obsessing about hearing from your ex? He’s on the path he’s chosen. Take your power back by blocking him on all your devices...that way you know you won’t hear from him.

You know being in touch with him in any way is just going to set you back, yes?

Wish him well from afar, let it go and distract yourself with lovely experiences and people who truly care about you. We only get so many of those...they deserve your full attention, yes?

trailmix

That's a great birthday you have planned. I hope you also have plans for the evening? Can one of your friends stay over that night and have a netflix binge for instance or can you get an evening salon appointment to get your nails done?

What you are talking about is really hard, I know what you mean.

Isn't it about time you got angry?

I know you wrote a list of all his terrible behaviours. If you aren't referring to this all the time, I hope you will get it out and start referring to it. That's not to make you angry or "make" you anything, it is to remind you and keep you from ruminating on the crumbs of good there were in that relationship.

Because, from your description, it truly was horrible.

Is it possible you are still stuck here? He is basically a good guy with huge problems and love and understanding will help him, if not "fix" him?

The truth is, at the very least, he is disordered. Whether that is alcohol or a personality disorder or both, who can say, but his behaviour is appalling.

Have you forgotten this at all?

He doesn't deserve to wish you a happy birthday. Anyway, perhaps time to spend a few hours this weekend going over your other threads, reviewing (and adding to) your list.

You also posted that you wonder if he's still drinking, has he had a turn around etc etc. Why would you think he has had some kind of epiphany. He is a doctor, that led you on, lied to you, cheated on you, is an addict.

He is NOT a good guy, just not, not in any way, not fixable by you or any other civilian.

PuzzledHeart

My therapist had a great suggestion about dealing with the "anxiety loop". He suggested taking time of my day and scheduling time to sit with all those feelings for thirty minutes or longer. And when the allotted time comes, really leaning into those feelings one hundred percent. Don't try to make them go away, just sit with the discomfort and process it. And then when the time is up, let it go.

What happened with me was that as soon as the anxiety came up, I would give myself that half hour to really sit with the discomfort, and grant myself permission to feel whatever the hell I was feeling. And then, this may sound weird, after a while I would start getting bored, and all the OTHER thoughts would start invading my mind. I couldn't keep it up the anxiety for fifteen minutes, but since I already stressed out about it, my mind gave myself permission to let it go.

Results may vary, and I'm the type of person who thrives on schedules. If this doesn't sound like your cup of tea, no worries.

celebration123

Thankyou , I really needed to hear this! I've got my list out and I'm refreshing it. I'm absolutely my own worst enemy. I am going to focus on enjoying the week with people who genuinely care about me. No hidden agenda, no nagging worries. People who mean what they say and say what they mean!!
xx

AnvilheadII

what if.....the response to all your questions was in the positive....for him.

let's say his life is going well, and he is no longer dwelling on a past relationship.
let's say he is continuously sober AND involved with someone and at this moment in time, quite content with it all.
what if his relationship with his children is re-established, connected and thriving?

what does any of the above DO for you? what does how someone else, who is not you, is conducting THEIR life impact or influence how you are conducting yours?

why are you tying your celebration of the day of your joining us all here on the planet to HIM? why do you still give HIM so much power over your own precious, unique life?

Kokoro

It's my brithday in a few weeks as well. Happy birthday in advance! Try to make the most of it and it does sound like you really are employing self care so I am glad. I have premptively made plans with loved ones so I will not obsess over my ex. I have accepted I probably will be sad at some point during the lead up and the day but those feelings will pass. All the best x

Mango212

May you have a beautiful birthday!

Celebrating the good, honoring what you've been through and allowing all emotions to flow -- to be human, alive, enjoying life -- these are really healing, healthy things..