Please give me strength
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Join Date: Oct 2019
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Please give me strength
After many failed attempts at setting boundaries with my AXG, I’m trying to hold fast. She knows I’m taking time for myself to heal and we haven’t communicated for several days. She sent an innocuous text this morning which was easy to ignore. She has now noticed that she can’t find me on Facebook as I’ve disabled my account to remove any temptation to “see what she’s up to.” She’s sent me numerous texts asking if I’ve blocked her and why won’t I respond. Her last text was a bit nasty. I think she’s realized that niceness and pleading don’t work anymore. So now she’s trying to make me angry.
I have seen the increasing manipulation over the past few weeks and have succumbed to it many times. I’ve spent many hours over this time meditating on this. I think I have found my peace. She has repeatedly stressed that recovery demands taking responsibility for one’s actions and their consequences. She quoted this to me when informing me of her numerous recent decisions. One of these, I hate to call it a consequence, is that I WILL be taking a leave of absence to focus on my own self and healing. She will not hear from me until I feel I have made it to a point where I am comfortable communicating with her.
I could still use a little lent strength. Thank you.
I have seen the increasing manipulation over the past few weeks and have succumbed to it many times. I’ve spent many hours over this time meditating on this. I think I have found my peace. She has repeatedly stressed that recovery demands taking responsibility for one’s actions and their consequences. She quoted this to me when informing me of her numerous recent decisions. One of these, I hate to call it a consequence, is that I WILL be taking a leave of absence to focus on my own self and healing. She will not hear from me until I feel I have made it to a point where I am comfortable communicating with her.
I could still use a little lent strength. Thank you.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Honey, if you start over you start over. There’s a 99.9% probability that you’ll just end up in the same dysfunction and same ending you just went through...do you really want to do that again?
It’s like the movie Groundhog Day. But you can choose to walk out of the theatre.
Sending you strength, clarity and a hug.
It’s like the movie Groundhog Day. But you can choose to walk out of the theatre.
Sending you strength, clarity and a hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Honey, if you start over you start over. There’s a 99.9% probability that you’ll just end up in the same dysfunction and same ending you just went through...do you really want to do that again?
It’s like the movie Groundhog Day. But you can choose to walk out of the theatre.
Sending you strength, clarity and a hug.
It’s like the movie Groundhog Day. But you can choose to walk out of the theatre.
Sending you strength, clarity and a hug.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Fossil.....I concur with what ariesagain said.
In a truly healthy, solid relationship of intimate nature, there is no room for manipulation.
I think of manipulation as dangling another person on a "string"....like a puppeteer operating a puppet by pulling certain strings.
In a healthy love relationship...one has to have trust....trust, in order to be vulnerable and open and honest enough to expose our tender underbelly to another person. One has to be able to trust the other person and feel emotionally safe....
Manipulation, in my opinion, puts distance in a relationship and washes away trust and a feeling of safety.....of emotional comfort....
In simpler terms...love, in itself, is not supposed to hurt......
In a truly healthy, solid relationship of intimate nature, there is no room for manipulation.
I think of manipulation as dangling another person on a "string"....like a puppeteer operating a puppet by pulling certain strings.
In a healthy love relationship...one has to have trust....trust, in order to be vulnerable and open and honest enough to expose our tender underbelly to another person. One has to be able to trust the other person and feel emotionally safe....
Manipulation, in my opinion, puts distance in a relationship and washes away trust and a feeling of safety.....of emotional comfort....
In simpler terms...love, in itself, is not supposed to hurt......
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Taking a break from it all is a wise decision I think. This back and forth is, in effect, really damaging.
Whether you think there is a chance for a real relationship down the road or if you hope to just leave as friends or even without harsh feelings, backing away now is wise because what is happening here is really damaging, to both of you and to this "relationship". It's a terrible dynamic.
Whether you think there is a chance for a real relationship down the road or if you hope to just leave as friends or even without harsh feelings, backing away now is wise because what is happening here is really damaging, to both of you and to this "relationship". It's a terrible dynamic.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Taking time for yourself....so that means you are going to stay with her eventually?
If she is a drunk and refuses to quit, i would strap in and enjoy the ride.
Until the drunk wants to quit with all their heart, there is no quit. Addiction is like that.
Dealing with me when I was an active addict was dealing with a chemically altered version of me. It was not the real me. Not even close.
It took a couple of years of sobriety to see that.
This clarity and reflection are something that active addicts and non drinkers can not understand.
It is an ex addicts special gift. It allows for uncommon introspection.
I think you love the girl.
Thanks.
If she is a drunk and refuses to quit, i would strap in and enjoy the ride.
Until the drunk wants to quit with all their heart, there is no quit. Addiction is like that.
Dealing with me when I was an active addict was dealing with a chemically altered version of me. It was not the real me. Not even close.
It took a couple of years of sobriety to see that.
This clarity and reflection are something that active addicts and non drinkers can not understand.
It is an ex addicts special gift. It allows for uncommon introspection.
I think you love the girl.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Mine would try & flush me out by making me angry. As soon as I bit & responded she had me. She would use it when nothing else was working. She did it not too long ago.
I am about a year & half of not seeing or talking to her. Year prior to that was only several interactions with her but they were all bad for me.
I can tell you honestly that even given all this time apart & all that I know now - I cant interact with her in any manner. If I tried to do it she will skillfully work me & twist it into something bad. I am talking about even wishing her happy birthday or merry Christmas.
Be careful where you decide to go with her from here. There is a whole world of hurt waiting for you from her.
I am about a year & half of not seeing or talking to her. Year prior to that was only several interactions with her but they were all bad for me.
I can tell you honestly that even given all this time apart & all that I know now - I cant interact with her in any manner. If I tried to do it she will skillfully work me & twist it into something bad. I am talking about even wishing her happy birthday or merry Christmas.
Be careful where you decide to go with her from here. There is a whole world of hurt waiting for you from her.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Hi Fossil. Everything you have said about all this makes it sound like she is trying to keep you in the hook and invested in her and the “relationship” (that she ended yes?) while having no emotional responsibility to you at all. And whenever you do something consistent with the facts you two are not a couple anymore, she pulls something to make you feel wrapped back into it.
This is some serious BS. You are 100% doing the right thing to stop playing the game.
i would go a step further and say you seem to talk about this like you are going to get back together. While it’s always possible, I would really recommend that while you are broken up, which is usually a forever thing, you let yourself act and feel like you haha no obligation (because you don’t) and you are moving on now (which is what people usually have to do when they break up).
i totally understand the impulse, when you care and there are extenuating circumstances around the break up, but you are not a couple and any hope of future getting back together should be stuffed in a box and put in the closet until YOU feel good and strong and confident and free. See how you feel after acting like a single person for a while.
She may want you around, but she hasn’t said “oops, that was a mistake.” She’s trying to keep you on the shelf for her own benefit and the only way to take care of yourself is to hop off that shelf and go outside and play without her.
You are doing great. You told her you were taking a break, she knows why you aren’t answering, and sticking to it it 100% right and acting ticked off about it to make you explain yourself (AGAIN) is a ploy. try to imagine it from the perspective of her telling the story to someone else. “ I broke up with this guy, and then he said he needed some time to not be in contact with me, so I don’t understand why he isn’t answering my text messages or why I can’t read his Facebook posts.“
This is some serious BS. You are 100% doing the right thing to stop playing the game.
i would go a step further and say you seem to talk about this like you are going to get back together. While it’s always possible, I would really recommend that while you are broken up, which is usually a forever thing, you let yourself act and feel like you haha no obligation (because you don’t) and you are moving on now (which is what people usually have to do when they break up).
i totally understand the impulse, when you care and there are extenuating circumstances around the break up, but you are not a couple and any hope of future getting back together should be stuffed in a box and put in the closet until YOU feel good and strong and confident and free. See how you feel after acting like a single person for a while.
She may want you around, but she hasn’t said “oops, that was a mistake.” She’s trying to keep you on the shelf for her own benefit and the only way to take care of yourself is to hop off that shelf and go outside and play without her.
You are doing great. You told her you were taking a break, she knows why you aren’t answering, and sticking to it it 100% right and acting ticked off about it to make you explain yourself (AGAIN) is a ploy. try to imagine it from the perspective of her telling the story to someone else. “ I broke up with this guy, and then he said he needed some time to not be in contact with me, so I don’t understand why he isn’t answering my text messages or why I can’t read his Facebook posts.“
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When I got some serious time completely away from my exAgf, I started to realize that she wasn't just mean/selfish when drunk. She was just a legit mean/selfish person in general. Sure her drinking amplified things a degree but, even while not drinking she was a person I no longer wanted to be around.
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A part of me does hope for a future with her, but that is what I am trying to lay to rest. I’ve been meditating every day and I’m making progress.
D122Y, she’s in sober living right now and is almost 8 months sober. I don’t know if I’m “staying” with her. By that I mean a future friendship. Regardless of any future friendship, I have to process my feelings about the ending of our relationship and address my codependency issues. If she does as she says and never comes back to where I live, then I don’t see much more than sending a happy birthday text once a year kind of friendship.
When we first broke up, I would read through our text messages and cards she’d sent. I hoped she’d ‘come around’ and we’d get back together. That is what I’m working on getting rid of. That attachment is the source of my suffering. I am letting that go.
D122Y, she’s in sober living right now and is almost 8 months sober. I don’t know if I’m “staying” with her. By that I mean a future friendship. Regardless of any future friendship, I have to process my feelings about the ending of our relationship and address my codependency issues. If she does as she says and never comes back to where I live, then I don’t see much more than sending a happy birthday text once a year kind of friendship.
When we first broke up, I would read through our text messages and cards she’d sent. I hoped she’d ‘come around’ and we’d get back together. That is what I’m working on getting rid of. That attachment is the source of my suffering. I am letting that go.
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Originally Posted by FossilHunter
A part of me does hope for a future with her, but that is what I am trying to lay to rest. I’ve been meditating every day and I’m making progress.
.
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In your last conversation/contact with her how did you leave it? Was she okay with giving you some space?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
When I got some serious time completely away from my exAgf, I started to realize that she wasn't just mean/selfish when drunk. She was just a legit mean/selfish person in general. Sure her drinking amplified things a degree but, even while not drinking she was a person I no longer wanted to be around.
Those are core values alcohol doesn't make a person kick puppies (or be inhumane to a human being) their core values do.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Kudos to you for this Fossilhunter. It does take time to grow and heal. Does AA or Alanon help at all? I know they are not for everyone but for some they are life changers.
In your last conversation/contact with her how did you leave it? Was she okay with giving you some space?
In your last conversation/contact with her how did you leave it? Was she okay with giving you some space?
I’m on attempt number three of breaking contact. The first time, I just went silent and she freaked out, telling me she couldn’t do recovery without me around. The second time, I told her I was halting all communication with her and she said she was willing to leave sober living to keep me around. Third time, she knew my intentions to stop communicating and I just stopped replying to her texts. She has messaged me a few times and called twice. I’ve kept true to my no contact. It’s strange and saddening to see a manipulative person go through the realization that their codependent person is gone. Her attempts at manipulation became more brazen and obvious.
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Fossilhunter…..From what you describe, it looks like she has not, yet, been able to place her sobriety as her number one priority.
As evidenced, by----she feels like she can't get sober without you....she wants to lean on you...and, she should be leaning on her recovery community.....
And---she is willing to leave sober living for you.....in other words, tossing her sobriety...…
I am sure that you are a nice person...and, one could understand that she might not want to lose you....but, it just appears, to me, like she still has a long way to go in her recovery....
As you must know, by now, that getting sober and into genuine sobriety takes a long time--especially so for someone who has spiraled down as far as you have described.
You know what a potential disaster it can be for two people to be together, if they are not firmly established in their recovery as number one priority. Nothing...nothing...can bring one's issues to the surface like being in an intimate relationship.....so.....
Maybe remembering this, over and over, can keep you firm in your resolve....
I know it isn't easy, though.....
As evidenced, by----she feels like she can't get sober without you....she wants to lean on you...and, she should be leaning on her recovery community.....
And---she is willing to leave sober living for you.....in other words, tossing her sobriety...…
I am sure that you are a nice person...and, one could understand that she might not want to lose you....but, it just appears, to me, like she still has a long way to go in her recovery....
As you must know, by now, that getting sober and into genuine sobriety takes a long time--especially so for someone who has spiraled down as far as you have described.
You know what a potential disaster it can be for two people to be together, if they are not firmly established in their recovery as number one priority. Nothing...nothing...can bring one's issues to the surface like being in an intimate relationship.....so.....
Maybe remembering this, over and over, can keep you firm in your resolve....
I know it isn't easy, though.....
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by dawnrising
^^^^^All of this!!!! People have core values alcohol does not change those values for example : either you think its okay to kick puppies or not
Those are core values alcohol doesn't make a person kick puppies (or be inhumane to a human being) their core values do.
Those are core values alcohol doesn't make a person kick puppies (or be inhumane to a human being) their core values do.
You can squeeze the alcohol out of an asshat and all you will have left is a sober asshat! Or something to that effect...
And sometimes your own personal now sober asshat is a dry drunk and is now meaner and craftier than ever!
Ever the optimists we are so focused on the removal of alcohol we are astonished it was not the magic wand envisioned....
Stay strong! Soul ties are hard to break and the healing is in your staying disconnected and changing your thoughts which create new neural pathways. The ruts are deep after years with our A qualifiers....
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