righttheship

I lit into my AH, who's 150 days sober today, and now I feel (sort of) awful. For background -- AH lives with a bunch of active alcoholics, has no job (but is actively searching), and has not paid a dime to support his young children in 6 months.

Anyways, he came to visit the children this evening. While I was struggling to get dinner on the table, he asks me what exact days I planned to be out of town with the kids for Thanksgiving. I said I didn't know; all I could deal with was what is immediately before me. And he said: "Well, I can't wait to make my plans because it will get expensive...." And I said: "Well, I'm not in a position to say definitely what days we'll be gone, so you're going to have to do what you have to do." And of course, he was like "Jeez, what is wrong with you? I just want to be able to know when I can see the kids." And I get that--it's reasonable. But I said: "Please just back off." Because, in that moment, I was trying to get dinner on the table, and I had already said I didn't know, and I just wanted to table the whole thing for the time being.

AH didn't back off, but asked why I always attack him, how he knows he ruined HIS life, how he might be all alone at Thanksgiving, etc., etc.. And that just set me off. I don't really remember all that I said, but the essence was: I work full-time, take care of the kids all by myself, and pay for everything with zero assistance for you, so when I say back off to you when you are in *my* house, then you need to back off. He immediately put on his coat and left. After he left, he sent me a text about how he's in fragile state, he had to leave to preserve his sobriety, me attacking him could compromise his sobriety, etc. Part of me feels really awful. Why didn't I just bite my tongue? Why didn't I suck it up? I mean--really, I could've easily said that I'll look at the calendar to night after the kids go to bed, and get back you. But then, there's another part of me that is like: I'm tired of the "whoa is me BS," I'm sick of hearing about how awful is life is when everything he's going through is self-inflicted, and I just can't stand the total inability to see how the consequences of his actions have come down on his family. I'm also really tired of his inability to read the room--I mean why broach the subject when I'm stressing to get dinner on the table, why can't he disengage when I tell him to back off? But, most of all, I'm sick of him always blaming me, or laying the groundwork to blame me, if he drinks. And so, I just couldn't stop myself this time.

Has anyone else been here? Where you know you should bite your tongue, but the addiction and the consequences of the addiction just tick you off so much, that sometimes you can't help but get on your high horse?

trailmix

No not me. Nope, nada.

Ok well maybe once or twice.

What you did is so normal (in my opinion) in fact, you were rather nice. You didn't just start yelling at him:

That's pretty clear.

But! In true alcoholic fashion, he decided to push back, because hey, you were not addressing his needs right now right now right now!

You have no control over his alcoholism or whether he drinks or not, so you can disregard that comment. If you were so powerful he would have quit years ago when (I am guessing) you asked him to.

Anyway, all that is to say, try not to be too hard on yourself, we all get to the end of our rope sometimes (well most of us I should think) and while screaming at someone is never ideal - it happens!

Ariesagain

“I work full-time, take care of the kids all by myself, and pay for everything with zero assistance for you, so when I say back off to you when you are in *my* house, then you need to back off.”

Okay, maybe you could have said it more calmly or in an inside voice or whatever...but I am not seeing anything so terrible here. He’s in your house, you’re trying to feed your kids (were you going to feed him too???), you answered him in a way he didn’t like and he kept after you about it. So you lost your temper....so what? Everything you said is absolutely true.

I get that in an ideal world we’re supposed to be so detached and enlightened that we’d never go off in response to our addict’s yet again making it all about them...but this world is far from ideal and sainthood isn’t worth the heartburn.

Forgive yourself., yes? Then maybe figure out new ground rules for his visits with the children so you are in a neutral place, so you can leave if you need to, and that have a defined time and limit so the visits don’t interfere with your life schedule for your kids. He’s there to interact with the children, period, not to badger you.

(Psst...I am actually kind of impressed with the way you stood up for yourself, just so you know. )

Sending you a hug.

hearthealth

You told him to back off and he didn't. He suffered consequences from that decision. He chose to make it about himself and he chose to leave. Which got you alone with the children. He then chose to blame you rather than himself. It all sounds like he is not in a healthy spot. That's his work to do not your work. You have set healthy boundaries for yourself and children. He doesn't have to like them but he has to respect them which he didn't.

suki44883

We can only bite our tongue for so long. Eventually, we are going to blow. It's not healthy to keep tamping down our feelings. You did nothing wrong and you have nothing to feel guilty about. He pushed and pushed until you finally said what needed to be said, and like the coward he is, he ran.

FarmhouseGal

PuzzledHeart

He's living with a bunch of active alcoholics 24/7, and yet he'll blame you if he loses his sobriety? Wow.

Thlayli

THIS! Totally what he could/should have said. F*ck that noise that he was giving you.

This hit me funny because when I first read it, it sounded like me. I was the apologizer always...even if it was his fault. I would've been the one to send exactly that text to apologize to him even though he's the one who made the problem.

You did well, righttheship. NOT on a high horse. He had some responsibility to respect that it was not a convenient time for you to talk.

BlownOne

He's full of s**t. Nothing anyone can do to him can compromise his sobriety short of holding him down and forcing alcohol down his throat. The fact that he even made such a claim as you attacking him could compromise his sobriety shows how clueless he still is. And some alcoholics never get it. Hugs to you. Don't bite your tongue.

hopeful4

Why is he just showing up when it's very inconvenient for you? Maybe that is part of the problem? I would think set times would be much easier than him just strolling by when you are in the middle of other things.

Mango212

Sometimes it's really important to speak up and if it's imperfect on how it happens it's absolutely okay.

wehav2day

Hmmmm did he at any point offer to HELP you get dinner on the table for the kids he shares with you?

Maybe you went off harshly, maybe you didn’t, that’s not for us to call. I’m sure he is in a world of no-fun, early recovery is absolutely zero fun.

And it may well be true that he’s in a fragile state. I sure was then. I’m glad he made a good decision for his recovery, if that’s what his leaving was.

What he has zero right to do though, is blame you for his: anything. His alcoholism, his recovery, his consequences... allllll him. On some level I think he knows that too, most of us do.

Perhaps you could have said something like “I’m a bit slammed here, can you help get the kids fed then we can chat?” But that’s hindsight thinking. It’s not your responsibility to manage every action with him. You’re human and he needs to do his part.

Hopefully as his recovery progresses, he’ll see beyond his own nose. If he sticks with it, he should.

Eauchiche

Yeah, THIS ^^^^^^^


and THIS ^^^^^^^

Remember the old cliche," You don't have to go to every fight you're invite to."