The future
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
The future
I'm really mourning the loss of my future with him in it as Im detaching more.
My detachment is making him mad.
He's slowly taken his affection away from me and as he's running out of things to take, he's getting mad and giving me the silent treatment.
There's no physical violence, so I feel safe in that regard. Having someone angry at you all the time is exhausting.
But hey, I cant control what he feels, and Im not sure I caused it.
just got to take one day at a time.
My detachment is making him mad.
He's slowly taken his affection away from me and as he's running out of things to take, he's getting mad and giving me the silent treatment.
There's no physical violence, so I feel safe in that regard. Having someone angry at you all the time is exhausting.
But hey, I cant control what he feels, and Im not sure I caused it.
just got to take one day at a time.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Wombaticus,
Sorry for what you are having to go through. Dealing with an alcoholic at any stage is exhausting. You never know what you are going to get, so you always have to keep your guard up. Also you did not Cause this. He caused it with his drinking.
Keep being strong and have a beautiful day.
Sorry for what you are having to go through. Dealing with an alcoholic at any stage is exhausting. You never know what you are going to get, so you always have to keep your guard up. Also you did not Cause this. He caused it with his drinking.
Keep being strong and have a beautiful day.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I remember when I started pulling back - detaching - from her my addict.
One of the first things I did was to cancel plans we had made to go out for a special night. I did it in reaction to something she did which I didn't like. I told her I did not want to go & didn't think it was a good idea.
Things went into a downward spiral from there. We were still communicating but it became a dance of death. She continued to act badly towards me & I continued pulling away. She was also pulling away. She became very cold.
A few months later I stopped talking to her & she stopped talking to me. At that point in time, there was no fight or even bad words spoken between us.
The dysfunctional dance of death is the worst. Very difficult time in my life.
One of the first things I did was to cancel plans we had made to go out for a special night. I did it in reaction to something she did which I didn't like. I told her I did not want to go & didn't think it was a good idea.
Things went into a downward spiral from there. We were still communicating but it became a dance of death. She continued to act badly towards me & I continued pulling away. She was also pulling away. She became very cold.
A few months later I stopped talking to her & she stopped talking to me. At that point in time, there was no fight or even bad words spoken between us.
The dysfunctional dance of death is the worst. Very difficult time in my life.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
No you didn't really cause it, he can choose to be any way he wants to be really?
He could, if he chose, step up to the plate and get some serious help for his addiction, he has chosen not to, fair enough.
It's funny how defensive some people can be. You feel if someone can't be caring toward you, that you are going to have to step back. Instead of them saying wow, maybe I should be more caring, they get angry that you aren't toeing the line. How counterproductive is that?
That is what self-centered people do. Instead of attempting to meet in the middle they would prefer for you to go back to what you were doing, regardless of whether you were happy doing that or not.
The further detached you become the almost insurmountable task it would ever be to fix this. What it is, is a slow break-up of the relationship.
Him being angry all the time really just means you need to detach further. His anger is not your issue. You didn't cause it (can't control it or cure it either! who knew : )
He could, if he chose, step up to the plate and get some serious help for his addiction, he has chosen not to, fair enough.
It's funny how defensive some people can be. You feel if someone can't be caring toward you, that you are going to have to step back. Instead of them saying wow, maybe I should be more caring, they get angry that you aren't toeing the line. How counterproductive is that?
That is what self-centered people do. Instead of attempting to meet in the middle they would prefer for you to go back to what you were doing, regardless of whether you were happy doing that or not.
The further detached you become the almost insurmountable task it would ever be to fix this. What it is, is a slow break-up of the relationship.
Him being angry all the time really just means you need to detach further. His anger is not your issue. You didn't cause it (can't control it or cure it either! who knew : )
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Thanks all. Some relationships explode, some indeed do a 'dance of death'. The sarcasm, snide remarks and big deliberately placed sighs are passive-aggressive and contemptuous. I'm not putting up with that or chasing him with a big 'im so sorry being me has hurt your ego, what can I do to change?'. Those all still really.cut, but I hope I am recovering from them faster.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
Hi Wombaticus-
Just wanted to share with you what I read today.
It's from Hope for Today, Page 316 for Nov 11
"I needn't fear the challenges of the future, because I know that today, with the guidance of my Higher Power and with the strength and knowledge I have gained from Al Anon, I am capable of facing anything life brings me"
Thought of your post when I read that, the future is scary for me right now too.
E
Just wanted to share with you what I read today.
It's from Hope for Today, Page 316 for Nov 11
"I needn't fear the challenges of the future, because I know that today, with the guidance of my Higher Power and with the strength and knowledge I have gained from Al Anon, I am capable of facing anything life brings me"
Thought of your post when I read that, the future is scary for me right now too.
E
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Wombaticus…...detaching takes practice....the more your practice it, the easier it gets....over time.
I know you remember the "quacking" image.....
I think that it also helps to image yourself as having a protective bubble around yourself, when he pulls the maneuvers.....it worked for me...lol....
When you get to the point that his "anger" doesn't bother you...not deeply, any way.....you will have crossed the magic line.....and you will feel, mostly, indifference.
You will have ceased reacting to his every move.....
I think that indifference can be very freeing. It severs the invisible chains that tie you to another person. There is no longer anger...pain...sorrow...guilt.....Just indifference. You will be free....
I know you remember the "quacking" image.....
I think that it also helps to image yourself as having a protective bubble around yourself, when he pulls the maneuvers.....it worked for me...lol....
When you get to the point that his "anger" doesn't bother you...not deeply, any way.....you will have crossed the magic line.....and you will feel, mostly, indifference.
You will have ceased reacting to his every move.....
I think that indifference can be very freeing. It severs the invisible chains that tie you to another person. There is no longer anger...pain...sorrow...guilt.....Just indifference. You will be free....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by Emmalyn 
Hi Wombaticus-
Just wanted to share with you what I read today.
It's from Hope for Today, Page 316 for Nov 11
"I needn't fear the challenges of the future, because I know that today, with the guidance of my Higher Power and with the strength and knowledge I have gained from Al Anon, I am capable of facing anything life brings me"
Thought of your post when I read that, the future is scary for me right now too.
E
Just wanted to share with you what I read today.
It's from Hope for Today, Page 316 for Nov 11
"I needn't fear the challenges of the future, because I know that today, with the guidance of my Higher Power and with the strength and knowledge I have gained from Al Anon, I am capable of facing anything life brings me"
Thought of your post when I read that, the future is scary for me right now too.
E
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by dandylion
Wombaticus…...detaching takes practice....the more your practice it, the easier it gets....over time.
I know you remember the "quacking" image.....
I think that it also helps to image yourself as having a protective bubble around yourself, when he pulls the maneuvers.....it worked for me...lol....
When you get to the point that his "anger" doesn't bother you...not deeply, any way.....you will have crossed the magic line.....and you will feel, mostly, indifference.
You will have ceased reacting to his every move.....
I think that indifference can be very freeing. It severs the invisible chains that tie you to another person. There is no longer anger...pain...sorrow...guilt.....Just indifference. You will be free....
I know you remember the "quacking" image.....
I think that it also helps to image yourself as having a protective bubble around yourself, when he pulls the maneuvers.....it worked for me...lol....
When you get to the point that his "anger" doesn't bother you...not deeply, any way.....you will have crossed the magic line.....and you will feel, mostly, indifference.
You will have ceased reacting to his every move.....
I think that indifference can be very freeing. It severs the invisible chains that tie you to another person. There is no longer anger...pain...sorrow...guilt.....Just indifference. You will be free....
At near 50, im still in my prime (hee hee) and i can take on the next phase with excitement. Just not there yet.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
This is something that helps me detach.
Actually listening to the person. Sometimes we can almost become immune to what they are saying because it has been said so often or because we are so tired of hearing it or our emotions jump in.
Observing and actually listening to someone speaking to you in anger or derision or passive aggressively - as though they are speaking to someone else or the wall (or with the bubble that dandylion mentioned) or however you want to frame it in your mind - can really bring clarity (I think).
Then walking away from it (literally). I'm interested in discussion and resolving things, I'm not interested in being told off or yelled at or looked at with hate.
Actually listening to the person. Sometimes we can almost become immune to what they are saying because it has been said so often or because we are so tired of hearing it or our emotions jump in.
Observing and actually listening to someone speaking to you in anger or derision or passive aggressively - as though they are speaking to someone else or the wall (or with the bubble that dandylion mentioned) or however you want to frame it in your mind - can really bring clarity (I think).
Then walking away from it (literally). I'm interested in discussion and resolving things, I'm not interested in being told off or yelled at or looked at with hate.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 47
The passive aggressiveness that I got from both EXAH & EXABF reached ridiculous levels. I'm allergic to fragrances and toward the end of both relationships they were finding all sorts of ways to push me away. Both started wearing cologne. The EXABF shaved all his body hair to that itchy stubble length. Why aren't they just straight forward about wanting to end things?
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
I thought about my AH this way yesterday. He’s playing emotional “chicken” with me, you know the old game of who can stay in the path of a moving train, car etc. the longest. I would always jump first. But these past couple months we’ve been separated and I’m not jumping anymore and he can’t stand it.
Trailmix has a great idea on watching and listening. Not gonna lie, it’s almost funny to me now to actually watch AH’s reactions. He goes from trying to show affection and he loves me so much (only when he’s drinking) to being downright mean and condescending when he’s sober. Gosh he must be exhausted from all that flip flopping! I’ve detached and he’s still wanting to play the “game” well no thanks.
Dont get me wrong, it took years for me to get here. I still have bad days and struggle with my thoughts. I’m still not fully ready for the big D word (divorce). Although I do realize we cannot stay in this “moment” forever. I have detached with love, I know I have said, done and tried everything I could to help my AH. Only he can chose what he does now.
Like dandylion says..practice, practice, practice detaching. Each time you do it gets a little easier the next time
It helps to read here on SR and I truly appreciate the “fellowship” of everyone here. Al Anon has been a life saver for me too.
Trailmix has a great idea on watching and listening. Not gonna lie, it’s almost funny to me now to actually watch AH’s reactions. He goes from trying to show affection and he loves me so much (only when he’s drinking) to being downright mean and condescending when he’s sober. Gosh he must be exhausted from all that flip flopping! I’ve detached and he’s still wanting to play the “game” well no thanks.
Dont get me wrong, it took years for me to get here. I still have bad days and struggle with my thoughts. I’m still not fully ready for the big D word (divorce). Although I do realize we cannot stay in this “moment” forever. I have detached with love, I know I have said, done and tried everything I could to help my AH. Only he can chose what he does now.
Like dandylion says..practice, practice, practice detaching. Each time you do it gets a little easier the next time
It helps to read here on SR and I truly appreciate the “fellowship” of everyone here. Al Anon has been a life saver for me too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Originally Posted by trailmix
This is something that helps me detach.
Actually listening to the person. Sometimes we can almost become immune to what they are saying because it has been said so often or because we are so tired of hearing it or our emotions jump in.
Observing and actually listening to someone speaking to you in anger or derision or passive aggressively - as though they are speaking to someone else or the wall (or with the bubble that dandylion mentioned) or however you want to frame it in your mind - can really bring clarity (I think).
Then walking away from it (literally). I'm interested in discussion and resolving things, I'm not interested in being told off or yelled at or looked at with hate.
Actually listening to the person. Sometimes we can almost become immune to what they are saying because it has been said so often or because we are so tired of hearing it or our emotions jump in.
Observing and actually listening to someone speaking to you in anger or derision or passive aggressively - as though they are speaking to someone else or the wall (or with the bubble that dandylion mentioned) or however you want to frame it in your mind - can really bring clarity (I think).
Then walking away from it (literally). I'm interested in discussion and resolving things, I'm not interested in being told off or yelled at or looked at with hate.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Wombaticus
At near 50, im still in my prime (hee hee) and i can take on the next phase with excitement. Just not there yet.
I also practiced that "outside observer" during the end of my relationship. I think doing this is what helped push him out the door...no reactions from me is not something he would deal with. Some part of me needed him to leave instead of taking on the guilt of leaving him, I think.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
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Healthy actions, faith in ourselves, the universe and however Higher Power may present to one, stepping outside our comfort zones and taking leaps of faith have time and again proven to be an excellent plan. I see this in my life and in others. 
One day at a time. Keep it simple. Just for today.
As I put "what's healthy for me today?" first, it helps greatly in directing my path.
One day at a time. Keep it simple. Just for today.
As I put "what's healthy for me today?" first, it helps greatly in directing my path.
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