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Old 11-09-2019, 08:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Just sharing - random "ouch"


AH has been out of the house for about 2 months now (3 if you count him moving into the garage). I don't want him back. I know he won't change. We've been repeating the same cycle for 11 years now and this is the third time he's left me.

I saw him last night walking downtown holding hands with someone. It pinched me more than I feel like it should have

My life is so much better since he left. The terrible things about our relationship were many...it's so hard to let go of seeing that potential though.
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Old 11-09-2019, 08:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Thlayli,
I know it''s hard to see someone that you have had 11 years of your life with holding hands with another person after only 3 months of moving out. I know you think to your self he has done so many terrible things to me. Why is it that he is out of my life, still causing me so much hurt. Unlike the alcoholic we can't just throw it out the window so easily. We want to have belief in people that they due care about us and want to be better for us. That is why we stay with the alcoholic for so long. I know see him holding hands with another person is hard, but you will get past it. You are in a better place right now. Just keep being strong and know we are here to help you through this.
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Old 11-09-2019, 09:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I did a thread not so long ago asking how they move on so quick and got some fantastic replies that would be worth you reading through. There was also something I saw a little while ago,rejected by the reject I think it was called. No idea how to link things in but if someone else could it was a fantastic read
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Old 11-09-2019, 09:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I can understand that. That is an ouch.

As you said though, the terrible things about your relationship were many.

His behaviour was pretty appalling Thlayli,

So I'm guessing he was at a bar downtown and found some poor woman who is now going to get a dose of being around him. Aren't you actually glad it's not you.

I know at some point the relationship wasn't all negatives, however, alcoholism, as you know is a progressive illness, who he was when he left a few months ago is who is is right now today. He didn't suddenly become a fine upstanding guy ready for a relationship. I actually went back and read some of your older threads, honestly I don't see the potential at all. He is not relationship material.

Oh and the link to the post juju mentioned:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-about.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)
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Old 11-09-2019, 09:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Codies mourn; addicts replace.

I am so sorry for your hurt. Try to know that she’s still in the nightmare you found the courage to leave.

Better days are ahead.
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Old 11-09-2019, 12:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I saw this in a meme and it gave me a bit of levity while thinking about my ex moving on. I cleaned up the language for this site.

If you think you're messed up, just remember there is someone meeting your ex right now thinking that they have found someone special.
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Old 11-09-2019, 12:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thlayli…….It always hurts to see the ex with a new person....if you had ever invested your heart into someone else.....
I think that is probably some remnant of our primitive lizard brain....some territorial thing....
A few million years ago...an intruder onto one's "territory" would be killed....

Also, I think it is the shock of it...as it makes the whole thing so much more real....

One time, I vomited in a parking lot, outside of my workplace....when I saw my recent ex holding hands with one of my co-workers, as they left the building....
I got over it pretty quickly, though.....
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Old 11-09-2019, 05:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
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That's tough, especially if you didn't expect to see what you saw. I think the others are right - it doesn't necessarily mean that he's moved on to a beautiful new relationship; it is more likely to mean that some other woman is now going to be stuck with the same craziness that you have opted out of.

I recall exactly where I was some years ago (international departures area of the Colorado airport, if you want to be precise), when I learned my ex was dating someone new, who went on to become his second ex-wife. That ... didn't work out very well. But at the time I felt it like a punch - especially because I was nowhere near ready to start dating again and was convinced I was going to spend the rest of my adult life as a crazy cat lady.
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Old 11-11-2019, 07:49 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone. Outside perspectives are very helpful.

I also went back and re-read some old threads. They're helping me recognise that he is not going to change.
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Old 11-11-2019, 08:17 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I had an ex meet me for lunch (his suggestion) not long after we broke up.

During lunch he apologized that our intimate relations hadn't been all it could have been, because his new girlfriend Susie had encouraged him to be less inhibited and now he knew how *really good* intimate relations could be.

Susie lasted less than a year. And he never told his family about her.
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Old 11-11-2019, 11:01 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
During lunch he apologized that our intimate relations hadn't been all it could have been, because his new girlfriend Susie had encouraged him to be less inhibited and now he knew how *really good* intimate relations could be.
If someone said this to me, if I wasn't so shocked that they were talking about it at all (tacky, tacky, tacky), I would probably start laughing and have to walk out.
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Old 11-11-2019, 11:04 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thlayli View Post
Thanks everyone. Outside perspectives are very helpful.

I also went back and re-read some old threads. They're helping me recognise that he is not going to change.
Are you feeling a bit better about it now you have some perspective Thlayli?

It is a tough hit, I totally get that. You are there thinking I will maybe be single for a while, work on myself, see what I enjoy, work through these feelings.

That's pretty normal!

Alcoholic thinking is not normal.
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Old 11-11-2019, 11:45 AM   #13 (permalink)
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So much more! It was very helpful.

I also constantly have to remind myself to stop trying to make sense out of nonsense. Trying to figure out the "whys" drags me down.
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Old 11-11-2019, 01:33 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
I had an ex meet me for lunch (his suggestion) not long after we broke up.

During lunch he apologized that our intimate relations hadn't been all it could have been, because his new girlfriend Susie had encouraged him to be less inhibited and now he knew how *really good* intimate relations could be.

Susie lasted less than a year. And he never told his family about her.
“I really appreciate you sharing that, because for a long time I thought I was the problem! I’m so glad you’re getting the help you need!”.

Reminds me of a friend’s a worst-first-date-ever - met Mr Date for coffee, talked for a few hours, as they’re getting ready to go Mr Date says, “Don’t take this the wrong way, you’re really interesting and everything but to be honest I’d rather f*** my ex-girlfriend than you”. My friend had the presence of mind to come back with “Oh good, we agree, we’d both prefer if you f***ed your ex-girlfriend rather than me”.
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