RBF broke up with me after rehab
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: Denton TX
Posts: 5
RBF broke up with me after rehab
I very confused and hurting right now.
I met my REBF 2 years ago through my adult son. They worked together. I did not know at the time he was an alcoholic. We lived in Fl. We instantly hit it off.
We had a great connection that I had not had with anyone in a long time. My husband passed away 6 years ago. ( This was NOT my first relationship since that.) Neither one of us was looking for a relationship. We were together for a bit not dating exactly having fun and skeepingskeeping together. He went back to his ex. He had been with her about 6 months before we met. 1 month later she put him in Jail. They had a non violent domestic. Not his 1st. So he served 5months. During this time we talked and wrote lots of letters and visited and became very close. He got out of lockup. He moved in with me. We went on a cruise, had lots of fun together. Amazing times. By this time I realized that he had a drinking problem. I had been supporting him. We issues with his ex calling and starting problems. It finally stopped. I never made him choose her or me. I knew he cared for her and they had a history. I respected that. We were just starting to have a relationship. Well his ex called and said she was moving to Ohio and wanted to see him to say good bye. He goes to see her comes home everything is still good. The next day was amazing. That night she started blowing up his phone. All the sudden he packs his bag and leaves. Out of the blue he goes back to her. The next day he moves to Ohio. I didn't realize until after he left that I was in love with him. Losing him devastated me.
For 6 months we don't talk, text, nothing. She had him block me and all of his friends in FL. She barley let him visit or talk to his family in GA. Where he is from) She moved him to Ohio where he knew no one but her and her family. ( Where she is from) while in Ohio he had to go back to court in Georgia for something that happened way before I ever met him. He was put on 10 years probation. had it transferred back to Ohio so he could live there.. fast forward six months. He's drinking again totally worse him and her fault constantly. She kicked him out he was on the streets. He wrecked his car. So he called me and his brother to see if we could come get him. Out of the blue he calls me. I finally decided to date somebody new and move on and he calls me. Should I leave Florida drove straight through to Ohio Non-Stop picked him up drove nonstop back to Georgia. We spent the night there with his family. Then went home to Florida the next day. He did not have permission to leave Ohio from his probation officer even though we repeatedly tried to call and get permission. We went through absolutely hail the next couple of months with his ex-girlfriend causing all kind of problems calling DCF on me. Even though he was back living with me we weren't technically together. We were working on getting his legal problem straightened out he's drinking under control I'm working on us. I'm supporting him the whole time. He works off and on. He is trying to quit drinking. He cuts off all contact with her. then he has to go to jail in Georgia because of leaving Ohio without permission. I hired the lawyer we got it all worked out we go to court he gets permission to move to Florida and stay with me. So now we're officially together and we are working on our relationship. an opportunity comes up for us to move to Texas and we both agree you want to start over a new life. He is drinking again. Off and on here. He'll start he'll stop he'll start. So I move all of our stuff to Texas in June. We have to get permission from probation for him to move to Texas we're waiting on this. So in July we're in his hometown in Georgia staying with his family and he starts messing with other drugs but he's done off and on throughout his life. It was absolutely horrible. He takes our car back to Florida to wait on the transfer I go on to Texas. After I really bad night of drinking and arguing he tears up my car. This is not the first time he destroyed stuff. When he would be drinking really really bad and get angry he would tear up TVs tear up the house. So I'll go back to Florida to get my car. And he finally decides he's ready for Rehab. He has no insurance. So I finally getting into a rehab program it's in Florida. And I have to come back to Texas. So I'm going back and forth to Florida to have family sessions with him. And then we start having family sessions over the phone. We get to talk to each other twice a week and write letters back and forth. we're working on building our future and communication he's going through therapy for everything that happened in his childhood and all the stuff he's doing as an alcoholic. Things are looking great he's so excited to be here in Texas I work cited for when he gets out of rehab.so he gets out of rehab and decides he's going to stay in a sober living house before he moves to Texas that way he can get used to being sober. He's doing absolutely wonderful with sobriety. And now we're talking everyday making plans we've already bought flight tickets to visit each other. Three weeks after he gets out that morning he tells me how much he loves me he can't wait to see me I get home from work that night any text me that we need to take a break. He says he needs to focus on his sobriety and learn to support his self without depending on me. He has a job now I helped him get a car. And I understand this and I respect this. I knew that his ex-girlfriend had friended him on Facebook but I had faith in our relationship we have been through hell and back and made it. She is a very manipulative person. So three or four days after he broke up with me she post on his Facebook how much she loves him and he responds back that he loves her too. He's maintained that he wants to be friends and we're still trying to do that and work on our stuff cuz by this time I'm going to Al-Anon and he's helping me learn the big book so I'll better understand what he's going through. So I asked me if they were getting back together he said no. she's in Ohio he's in Florida he's not allowed to go back to Ohio. It's been so hard on me trying to stay friends with him. But I love him so much I would do anything for him. We still were talking everyday. I don't understand how everything could change overnight. I've been there through everything with him I'm the only one not his family his friends nothing it managed to get him the help he needed. And now it's been 3 weeks and he's barely talking to me anymore. Says he's just very busy. He still lives in sober living house. So now I don't know what to do I don't know if I should continue to try to be friends with you because he still maintains that he's not sure what the future holds he don't know what's going to happen but he still wants us to work on ourselves cuz it'll build a better relationship. I do I just give up and cut off contact with him or move on. He's only been out of rehab for a month he's been sober since August 1st. some research says this could be part of the dry drunk and then he just may not really know what he wants yet.
I met my REBF 2 years ago through my adult son. They worked together. I did not know at the time he was an alcoholic. We lived in Fl. We instantly hit it off.
We had a great connection that I had not had with anyone in a long time. My husband passed away 6 years ago. ( This was NOT my first relationship since that.) Neither one of us was looking for a relationship. We were together for a bit not dating exactly having fun and skeepingskeeping together. He went back to his ex. He had been with her about 6 months before we met. 1 month later she put him in Jail. They had a non violent domestic. Not his 1st. So he served 5months. During this time we talked and wrote lots of letters and visited and became very close. He got out of lockup. He moved in with me. We went on a cruise, had lots of fun together. Amazing times. By this time I realized that he had a drinking problem. I had been supporting him. We issues with his ex calling and starting problems. It finally stopped. I never made him choose her or me. I knew he cared for her and they had a history. I respected that. We were just starting to have a relationship. Well his ex called and said she was moving to Ohio and wanted to see him to say good bye. He goes to see her comes home everything is still good. The next day was amazing. That night she started blowing up his phone. All the sudden he packs his bag and leaves. Out of the blue he goes back to her. The next day he moves to Ohio. I didn't realize until after he left that I was in love with him. Losing him devastated me.
For 6 months we don't talk, text, nothing. She had him block me and all of his friends in FL. She barley let him visit or talk to his family in GA. Where he is from) She moved him to Ohio where he knew no one but her and her family. ( Where she is from) while in Ohio he had to go back to court in Georgia for something that happened way before I ever met him. He was put on 10 years probation. had it transferred back to Ohio so he could live there.. fast forward six months. He's drinking again totally worse him and her fault constantly. She kicked him out he was on the streets. He wrecked his car. So he called me and his brother to see if we could come get him. Out of the blue he calls me. I finally decided to date somebody new and move on and he calls me. Should I leave Florida drove straight through to Ohio Non-Stop picked him up drove nonstop back to Georgia. We spent the night there with his family. Then went home to Florida the next day. He did not have permission to leave Ohio from his probation officer even though we repeatedly tried to call and get permission. We went through absolutely hail the next couple of months with his ex-girlfriend causing all kind of problems calling DCF on me. Even though he was back living with me we weren't technically together. We were working on getting his legal problem straightened out he's drinking under control I'm working on us. I'm supporting him the whole time. He works off and on. He is trying to quit drinking. He cuts off all contact with her. then he has to go to jail in Georgia because of leaving Ohio without permission. I hired the lawyer we got it all worked out we go to court he gets permission to move to Florida and stay with me. So now we're officially together and we are working on our relationship. an opportunity comes up for us to move to Texas and we both agree you want to start over a new life. He is drinking again. Off and on here. He'll start he'll stop he'll start. So I move all of our stuff to Texas in June. We have to get permission from probation for him to move to Texas we're waiting on this. So in July we're in his hometown in Georgia staying with his family and he starts messing with other drugs but he's done off and on throughout his life. It was absolutely horrible. He takes our car back to Florida to wait on the transfer I go on to Texas. After I really bad night of drinking and arguing he tears up my car. This is not the first time he destroyed stuff. When he would be drinking really really bad and get angry he would tear up TVs tear up the house. So I'll go back to Florida to get my car. And he finally decides he's ready for Rehab. He has no insurance. So I finally getting into a rehab program it's in Florida. And I have to come back to Texas. So I'm going back and forth to Florida to have family sessions with him. And then we start having family sessions over the phone. We get to talk to each other twice a week and write letters back and forth. we're working on building our future and communication he's going through therapy for everything that happened in his childhood and all the stuff he's doing as an alcoholic. Things are looking great he's so excited to be here in Texas I work cited for when he gets out of rehab.so he gets out of rehab and decides he's going to stay in a sober living house before he moves to Texas that way he can get used to being sober. He's doing absolutely wonderful with sobriety. And now we're talking everyday making plans we've already bought flight tickets to visit each other. Three weeks after he gets out that morning he tells me how much he loves me he can't wait to see me I get home from work that night any text me that we need to take a break. He says he needs to focus on his sobriety and learn to support his self without depending on me. He has a job now I helped him get a car. And I understand this and I respect this. I knew that his ex-girlfriend had friended him on Facebook but I had faith in our relationship we have been through hell and back and made it. She is a very manipulative person. So three or four days after he broke up with me she post on his Facebook how much she loves him and he responds back that he loves her too. He's maintained that he wants to be friends and we're still trying to do that and work on our stuff cuz by this time I'm going to Al-Anon and he's helping me learn the big book so I'll better understand what he's going through. So I asked me if they were getting back together he said no. she's in Ohio he's in Florida he's not allowed to go back to Ohio. It's been so hard on me trying to stay friends with him. But I love him so much I would do anything for him. We still were talking everyday. I don't understand how everything could change overnight. I've been there through everything with him I'm the only one not his family his friends nothing it managed to get him the help he needed. And now it's been 3 weeks and he's barely talking to me anymore. Says he's just very busy. He still lives in sober living house. So now I don't know what to do I don't know if I should continue to try to be friends with you because he still maintains that he's not sure what the future holds he don't know what's going to happen but he still wants us to work on ourselves cuz it'll build a better relationship. I do I just give up and cut off contact with him or move on. He's only been out of rehab for a month he's been sober since August 1st. some research says this could be part of the dry drunk and then he just may not really know what he wants yet.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Wow.
I am going to keep this simple: if the other women (ex wife, ex girlfriend, whatever) hadn’t supposedly been the problem, if you were just dealing with an unreliable, lying alcoholic, would you have wasted your time on this guy?
It’s absolutely human nature to think that if someone else wants something, it must be worth having.
In this case, all of his women are just his way of keeping them and you focused on each other and not on the reality that he’s a complete mess and in no way able to be in any kind of real, positive relationship.
Drop this mess by the side of the road and drive on. Nothing but more misery lies in trying to hang on.
Wishing you clarity and strength.
I am going to keep this simple: if the other women (ex wife, ex girlfriend, whatever) hadn’t supposedly been the problem, if you were just dealing with an unreliable, lying alcoholic, would you have wasted your time on this guy?
It’s absolutely human nature to think that if someone else wants something, it must be worth having.
In this case, all of his women are just his way of keeping them and you focused on each other and not on the reality that he’s a complete mess and in no way able to be in any kind of real, positive relationship.
Drop this mess by the side of the road and drive on. Nothing but more misery lies in trying to hang on.
Wishing you clarity and strength.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ctenet…….after reading all that you have written....I think that, for your own welfare, you would be better off to continue working on yourself, through alanon and study, and, moving on, in your life.....
I suggest that you would get a lot out of the book "Co-dependent No More"....It is the most recommended book, on this forum. It is an easy read, and I think you will find a lot of it resonating with you....
You can get it from amazon.com....or from the local library…..
I suggest that you would get a lot out of the book "Co-dependent No More"....It is the most recommended book, on this forum. It is an easy read, and I think you will find a lot of it resonating with you....
You can get it from amazon.com....or from the local library…..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Yes, this relationship appears to be going no where good. He has gone back to his ex 3 times now. That is not a relationship you want?
He is untrustworthy, unreliable and is not doing anything in your best interests. He is just looking out for number one, himself. You deserve much better than this in any relationship.
I hope you will get the book dandylion mentioned, you will probably find it very helpful in maintaining your boundaries.
Perhaps taking some time to take care of yourself and spend the energy you have been spending on him in taking care of yourself and what you want and finding out what your interests are?
I have to ask, what is a "non-violent domestic"? He got put in jail for yelling at her, threatening her?
He is untrustworthy, unreliable and is not doing anything in your best interests. He is just looking out for number one, himself. You deserve much better than this in any relationship.
I hope you will get the book dandylion mentioned, you will probably find it very helpful in maintaining your boundaries.
Perhaps taking some time to take care of yourself and spend the energy you have been spending on him in taking care of yourself and what you want and finding out what your interests are?
I have to ask, what is a "non-violent domestic"? He got put in jail for yelling at her, threatening her?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Ctenhet,
Thank you for your share, I know if must of taken a lot of courage for you to say all of that. The man you fell in love with is not a person who shares the same love back. He has gone back to his EX to many times. Every time staying until he gets kicked out. Then he calls you. Tugs on your heart strings to come rescue him. He is just manipulating you to get what he wants. This is not the type of person you want to spend your energy on. It will make you sick and tired.
You need to move on with your life, I'm glad that your going to AL-Anon. It can help. Get the book Co-dependent no more like several people are saying. It will help you. You are stronger then you realize and can get past this. You don't need this mess in your life right now. You need to focus on you and let him focus on him. We are here for you. Keep being strong and have a good day.
Thank you for your share, I know if must of taken a lot of courage for you to say all of that. The man you fell in love with is not a person who shares the same love back. He has gone back to his EX to many times. Every time staying until he gets kicked out. Then he calls you. Tugs on your heart strings to come rescue him. He is just manipulating you to get what he wants. This is not the type of person you want to spend your energy on. It will make you sick and tired.
You need to move on with your life, I'm glad that your going to AL-Anon. It can help. Get the book Co-dependent no more like several people are saying. It will help you. You are stronger then you realize and can get past this. You don't need this mess in your life right now. You need to focus on you and let him focus on him. We are here for you. Keep being strong and have a good day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: Denton TX
Posts: 5
Thank you
Thank you for all the input! I'm glad I found this site. It's hard to get the Outlook on people that are close to you. I was afraid he had been using me the entire time but also not willing to accept it. A non violent domestic is basically the same but they're was no actual physical violence. Not that he hasn't reached that point before. He has. I am on Step 4 and really struggling with how to actually start it. I'm just want to get past the hurt and feel happy again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
A non violent domestic is basically the same but they're was no actual physical violence. Not that he hasn't reached that point before. He has.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I reread this this morning....have you read it, maybe out loud to yourself?
This guy is grifting you and destroying your life. Florida, Ohio, Texas...you buy him a car, you pay for his lawyer, you find him rehab, you support him financially, you visit him in jail, you moved your stuff, you repair the damaged car, televisions, etcetera...
He talks a great game, obviously. But look at what he’s done. You said you didn’t know how he could change overnight...he did it before, right? He’s with you in your house one minute and the next day he moved to Ohio to be with his ex.
You’ve lost two years of your life to this chaos. Do what it takes to stop this guy from jerking you around one more minute—block him, move home to Florida, go where you have family and support.
He will only hurt you more if you let him.
This guy is grifting you and destroying your life. Florida, Ohio, Texas...you buy him a car, you pay for his lawyer, you find him rehab, you support him financially, you visit him in jail, you moved your stuff, you repair the damaged car, televisions, etcetera...
He talks a great game, obviously. But look at what he’s done. You said you didn’t know how he could change overnight...he did it before, right? He’s with you in your house one minute and the next day he moved to Ohio to be with his ex.
You’ve lost two years of your life to this chaos. Do what it takes to stop this guy from jerking you around one more minute—block him, move home to Florida, go where you have family and support.
He will only hurt you more if you let him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
You need to save yourself from this extremely bad situation. This guy is a complete disaster. He isn't going to save or help you.
Let go - cut off contact - move on - don't look back. Trying to even stay as friends with him is not an option.
I think your only option to hopefully find peace, get past the hurt, & find happiness is to let go of this mess.
I had to do the same.
Let go - cut off contact - move on - don't look back. Trying to even stay as friends with him is not an option.
I think your only option to hopefully find peace, get past the hurt, & find happiness is to let go of this mess.
I had to do the same.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Multiple domestic violence charges.
Not smart enough to stay away from an ex who'll have him arrested
Someone you have to visit in jail.
Trashes your car, your apartment, your appliances when he's upset. (Is he three years old, for Heaven's sake?)
There are worse things than being single. One of them is being legally or morally bound to someone who has nothing to offer you.
You work on the relationship, you hire lawyers for him, you visit him in lockup, you probably lost the security deposit on the apartment he wrecked, you had to get another car when he trashed yours,-
Exactly what is the attraction? Sounds like 24 months of H__l.
Not smart enough to stay away from an ex who'll have him arrested
Someone you have to visit in jail.
Trashes your car, your apartment, your appliances when he's upset. (Is he three years old, for Heaven's sake?)
There are worse things than being single. One of them is being legally or morally bound to someone who has nothing to offer you.
You work on the relationship, you hire lawyers for him, you visit him in lockup, you probably lost the security deposit on the apartment he wrecked, you had to get another car when he trashed yours,-
Exactly what is the attraction? Sounds like 24 months of H__l.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Ctenhet 
he's helping me learn the big book so I'll better understand what he's going through.
As I understand it, the Big Book is for the ALCOHOLIC to learn, so he'll better understand what he's going through. It's not something for him to "teach" you so he can continue to steamroll through your life, b/c after all he's got PROBLEMS and so that gives him a free pass...
I'd say that putting that "R" before BF is almost certainly inaccurate.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
1. He’s been convicted at least twice, once on a domestic violence charge (or more?).
2. He’s broken the terms of his parole by leaving the state (with you picking him and and transporting him) without first obtaining permission.
3. He wrecked your car, and this isn’t the first time he’s destroyed your property.
4. He works “off and on” while you support him and he waffles about whether to quit drinking and whether to be in a relationship with you.
5. He tells his supposedly-ex girlfriend he still loves her (this is the one who called the police and had him charged with domestic violence, right?).
6. He keeps a relationship going with this ex (or maybe it’s a different one?) even though she has reported you for child abuse or neglect.
Why do you think there is any remote hope of a stable future with this person? Any one of these factors would be a deal-breaker, and all of them together ... ?
If you want a future of endless uncertainty and drama, you know what to do. If you don’t want a future of endless uncertainty and drama, you also know what to do.
2. He’s broken the terms of his parole by leaving the state (with you picking him and and transporting him) without first obtaining permission.
3. He wrecked your car, and this isn’t the first time he’s destroyed your property.
4. He works “off and on” while you support him and he waffles about whether to quit drinking and whether to be in a relationship with you.
5. He tells his supposedly-ex girlfriend he still loves her (this is the one who called the police and had him charged with domestic violence, right?).
6. He keeps a relationship going with this ex (or maybe it’s a different one?) even though she has reported you for child abuse or neglect.
Why do you think there is any remote hope of a stable future with this person? Any one of these factors would be a deal-breaker, and all of them together ... ?
If you want a future of endless uncertainty and drama, you know what to do. If you don’t want a future of endless uncertainty and drama, you also know what to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: Denton TX
Posts: 5
Thank you
Thank you for all of your input. It's really nice to have the opinions from people that are not close to the situation and have been through this before. I am really trying hard to just have no contact. It's hard but I am making progress.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Ctenhet,
I know It's hard to do no contact. But he is not the man for you. You deserve someone so much better. You are stronger then you know. Take it one day at a time. Lean on friends and family for support. They will help you if you ask. I know it hard to ask. But you will feel so much better with their support and it will be easy for you. Just keep being strong and keep him out of you life. It will be best for your health . I hope you get some rest and try not to focus on him. Have a good night.
I know It's hard to do no contact. But he is not the man for you. You deserve someone so much better. You are stronger then you know. Take it one day at a time. Lean on friends and family for support. They will help you if you ask. I know it hard to ask. But you will feel so much better with their support and it will be easy for you. Just keep being strong and keep him out of you life. It will be best for your health . I hope you get some rest and try not to focus on him. Have a good night.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Originally Posted by Ctenhet
I am really trying hard to just have no contact. It's hard but I am making progress.
You did say you went to Alanon. Are you still going? It certainly doesn't work for everyone but for some it is a lifesaver. Also the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love is a bit of a bible around here. You might give it a look over.
Most of all please please take care of yourself: eat good food, stay hydrated and get some exercise no matter how little. What you are experiencing is no joke and you need to get all the support you can.
Healing and peace to you.
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