New here... just venting but support welcome
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 1
New here... just venting but support welcome
Hello all. I've been lurking here for awhile but never needed to post. I've been going to Al Anon for several years as well.
The crises that brought me to Al Anon in the first place led me to set a boundary for myself never to associate with addicts again. But around a year ago I met a man, who was clearly an alcoholic.... but I decided a 'casual' relationship couldn't hurt. He was great and I made my boundary known from the beginning- that I wasn't looking for anything serious, and he respected that.
Well I'm sure you can guess where this story ends. My previous qualifier had been abusive, so in spite of the drinking a person who treated me well, respected my boundaries, seemed to have a high degree of emotional maturity in spite of daily drinking caused me to question my original firm boundary. He was nothing like the last one... so things did get serious in spite of my original plan.
I never questioned or criticized the drinking. It was only a few beers a day, anyways! I drink that much myself at times. That's a fraction of what I was used to from the previous mess of a relationship I was in. Until he decided, seemingly of his own accord, that he wanted to stop. THAT'S WHEN THINGS GOT WEIRD, WHAT THE HELL??
Suddenly after that point, he's sneaking around, meeting friends without telling me, staying out all night etc. None of this was a thing before. I said hey, whatever you're going through or wanna do is cool- just keep me in the loop please! I honestly don't care if you wanna go out and drink, I know you want to stop but totally not holding it against you! And I just would like some communication about where you're at!
No such luck. Now here I am... he took *my* car to go get pizza and paper towels around 10 pm last night, which incidentally had my phone and purse inside of it, and it's now 6 am and no sign of him. I tried texting him from an ipad around 1 am, asking when he'd be back, and he replied "very soon". A couple more texts after that with no reply. Typical right? Now I've been up all night, phoneless, carless, and purseless...wondering if he'll be back in time for me to get to work in the morning.
I feel stupid for allowing myself to be in this situation, again. At least this time his stuff is already waiting outside for whenever he returns.... I'm getting out after 1 year this time, rather than 3 and 5 with the last two. And I am so done with relationships for awhile.
Thanks for reading, typing this got me feeling a bit better.
The crises that brought me to Al Anon in the first place led me to set a boundary for myself never to associate with addicts again. But around a year ago I met a man, who was clearly an alcoholic.... but I decided a 'casual' relationship couldn't hurt. He was great and I made my boundary known from the beginning- that I wasn't looking for anything serious, and he respected that.
Well I'm sure you can guess where this story ends. My previous qualifier had been abusive, so in spite of the drinking a person who treated me well, respected my boundaries, seemed to have a high degree of emotional maturity in spite of daily drinking caused me to question my original firm boundary. He was nothing like the last one... so things did get serious in spite of my original plan.
I never questioned or criticized the drinking. It was only a few beers a day, anyways! I drink that much myself at times. That's a fraction of what I was used to from the previous mess of a relationship I was in. Until he decided, seemingly of his own accord, that he wanted to stop. THAT'S WHEN THINGS GOT WEIRD, WHAT THE HELL??
Suddenly after that point, he's sneaking around, meeting friends without telling me, staying out all night etc. None of this was a thing before. I said hey, whatever you're going through or wanna do is cool- just keep me in the loop please! I honestly don't care if you wanna go out and drink, I know you want to stop but totally not holding it against you! And I just would like some communication about where you're at!
No such luck. Now here I am... he took *my* car to go get pizza and paper towels around 10 pm last night, which incidentally had my phone and purse inside of it, and it's now 6 am and no sign of him. I tried texting him from an ipad around 1 am, asking when he'd be back, and he replied "very soon". A couple more texts after that with no reply. Typical right? Now I've been up all night, phoneless, carless, and purseless...wondering if he'll be back in time for me to get to work in the morning.
I feel stupid for allowing myself to be in this situation, again. At least this time his stuff is already waiting outside for whenever he returns.... I'm getting out after 1 year this time, rather than 3 and 5 with the last two. And I am so done with relationships for awhile.
Thanks for reading, typing this got me feeling a bit better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Justwantadonut,
First, I'm sorry for what you are going through. Second, I like your screen name. Don't feel stupid for letting your feeling take control. You did set boundaries and he decided that he didn't want to play by the rules you had set up. Relationships are all about communication and being there for the other person. It does sound strange that all of the sudden he wants to stop drinking , but also goes no communication on you and sneaking around. I have no clue what that is all about, but i feel he has not stopped drinking. Something is off. I hope you get everything back soon and you seem to understand what you have to do. Just be strong and know we are here to help with any question.
First, I'm sorry for what you are going through. Second, I like your screen name. Don't feel stupid for letting your feeling take control. You did set boundaries and he decided that he didn't want to play by the rules you had set up. Relationships are all about communication and being there for the other person. It does sound strange that all of the sudden he wants to stop drinking , but also goes no communication on you and sneaking around. I have no clue what that is all about, but i feel he has not stopped drinking. Something is off. I hope you get everything back soon and you seem to understand what you have to do. Just be strong and know we are here to help with any question.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hugs and support coming your way!
I'm sorry he did this to you.I hope you get your car, and purse back in time to get to work...
I am glad to hear you had the strength and the tools to do what you know needed to be done.
I'm sorry he did this to you.I hope you get your car, and purse back in time to get to work...
I am glad to hear you had the strength and the tools to do what you know needed to be done.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Justwantadonut, I like your username as well! Glad you decided to post.
Sadly, I don't think this is all that unusual. You two get in to a relationship, all is well, he drinks, you don't care - what could go wrong??
What could go wrong is alcoholic thinking.
It's one of two things here (in my opinion). After a period of a year, despite what you told him (don't care if he drinks, drink, don't drink) he decided, perhaps, that he should quit, get back on the straight and narrow and live up to this relationship.
No need to say how that went.
Or he is in to something new, some new drug or just went off the deep end with alcohol (doesn't really matter, result is the same).
There is a lot of shame, generally, in being an alcoholic. Regardless of what you say, they are making their own plans in their own heads (as people do).
You may not have demanded he quit but your mere presence may be a demand to him.
Hope that makes sense. I'm so glad you have his things on the front step and hope you got all your stuff back in time to go to work.
I also hope you will keep posting.
Sadly, I don't think this is all that unusual. You two get in to a relationship, all is well, he drinks, you don't care - what could go wrong??
What could go wrong is alcoholic thinking.
It's one of two things here (in my opinion). After a period of a year, despite what you told him (don't care if he drinks, drink, don't drink) he decided, perhaps, that he should quit, get back on the straight and narrow and live up to this relationship.
No need to say how that went.
Or he is in to something new, some new drug or just went off the deep end with alcohol (doesn't really matter, result is the same).
There is a lot of shame, generally, in being an alcoholic. Regardless of what you say, they are making their own plans in their own heads (as people do).
You may not have demanded he quit but your mere presence may be a demand to him.
Hope that makes sense. I'm so glad you have his things on the front step and hope you got all your stuff back in time to go to work.
I also hope you will keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Good for you for realizing this relationship is no good and putting his stuff out on the porch. I only hope he doesn’t decide that he’s not going to give you your stuff back to be spiteful or do some other crazy alcoholic behavior.
Glad you found us and decided to share with us. You could always report your car stolen? He did take it a long time ago and he has your phone and purse. Not sure if that’s a good idea but just a thought if he doesn’t show.
Im sure some other folks will come along with much better and wiser advice.
Glad you found us and decided to share with us. You could always report your car stolen? He did take it a long time ago and he has your phone and purse. Not sure if that’s a good idea but just a thought if he doesn’t show.
Im sure some other folks will come along with much better and wiser advice.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
Hi, im Sorry this is happening to you. Perhaps your standards for a relationship have to be redefined after all!?? For as you can see, as little as you can ask for, even littler they offer you then!
I believe we all want to be loved and cared for deep down. So your acceptance of such complete casualty in that sense might not be as fulfilling as you initially thought you could take on board.
It is up to you tho, to start honouring yourself more than taking the scraps of life he seems to be giving you at the moment. And I honestly believe that this cannot change on his part, it can only be worse in time, id say.
Problem with alcoholics is, i have figured, that no matter how little you ask of them, they couldn't care less about any type of courtesy, even the basic one. Not deep down, as deep down they only have one thing in mind- when to have their next high. SO as long as you have ANY standards at all, they WILL unfortunately walk over it. Sooner or later. WHy would you want such connection?
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best possible outcome!
I believe we all want to be loved and cared for deep down. So your acceptance of such complete casualty in that sense might not be as fulfilling as you initially thought you could take on board.
It is up to you tho, to start honouring yourself more than taking the scraps of life he seems to be giving you at the moment. And I honestly believe that this cannot change on his part, it can only be worse in time, id say.
Problem with alcoholics is, i have figured, that no matter how little you ask of them, they couldn't care less about any type of courtesy, even the basic one. Not deep down, as deep down they only have one thing in mind- when to have their next high. SO as long as you have ANY standards at all, they WILL unfortunately walk over it. Sooner or later. WHy would you want such connection?
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best possible outcome!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
I agree with Newhope----if he hasn't returned your car yet report it (and your purse and phone) as stolen. Keep an eye on your credit/debit cards.
What a jerk he is! Glad his stuff is piled up outside for him.
I'm so glad you have the tools to deal with this by cutting him out of your life NOW instead of dragging it out for years.
Thanks for sharing and keep us posted.
What a jerk he is! Glad his stuff is piled up outside for him.
I'm so glad you have the tools to deal with this by cutting him out of your life NOW instead of dragging it out for years.
Thanks for sharing and keep us posted.
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