DUI... On Purpose?

Old 11-06-2019, 11:09 AM
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DUI... On Purpose?

I haven't posted in a long time. My Ex AH continued his behavior with the other woman until summer of last year. They split because of the drinking and escalating abuse. He pretty much left me and our daughter alone when he was in this relationship. After they split, he started calling DD6 once a week, but didn't ever want to see her and be subject to a breath test (per our mediation agreement).

Fast forward... Ex AH has been charged with excessive DUI and open container. He pleaded not guilty. The charges are less than 30 days old at this point. He is in the time period between charges and trial/sentencing.

He sent me a text last night saying he is sober and done with the drinking. He was picked up on the DUI charge because he wanted to be picked up. Said the only way he would stop drinking is if he went to jail...

He is white knuckling his sobriety, has no plan, and won't seek treatment, counseling, AA, or another type of help. He wants to resume his relationship with DD per our mediation agreement. He hasn't seen our daughter in 4 years!! She's now 7.

I'm so skeptical of what he is saying. He's been an active alcoholic for at least 10 years. Probably longer, but he hid it from me for I don't know how long. One night in jail and he's claiming he's killed his "vice". I'm calling it quacking, but he's a high functioning alcoholic and can sway just about anyone into believing him.

What are your thoughts? Should I chalk this up to BS and not give it any more of my time and attention?
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Old 11-06-2019, 11:16 AM
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That is complete horse crap. Good job trying to spin a DUI into a move toward sobriety though! Only an alcoholic would even think of that excuse.

I thought immediately about when I was like 6 or 7 and when one of us would fall on the playground we’d always say “I *meant* to do that.”

He may be trying to stop but take the DUI for what it is- evidence of active drinking and poor judgment on the day in question.
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Old 11-06-2019, 11:20 AM
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DUIs never stopped EXAH whether they were intentional or not. A suicide attempt may be a cry for help... But na... Keep him away from KID. Unless he's had at least a year of sobriety AND recovery, then no.... No... No... No...
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Old 11-06-2019, 11:22 AM
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'Sobriety' ( actually detox) may happen in jail because there is no choice.
But, recovery can only happen by getting help.
He is a long way from accepting his addiction. If he knew how bad his life is he would never want his daughter to see him as he really is now. Keep him away until he seeks treatment and straightens his mess out. You do not need him around right now. You are only going to hear and see more alcoholic BS.
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Old 11-06-2019, 11:58 AM
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Old 11-06-2019, 12:21 PM
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“My getting arrested for DUI was actually part of my sobriety plan”.

Now I really have heard it all.

One night (or 30 days or whatever) doesn’t prove anything. If he really has had a permanent change of heart, that will become apparent over time. It sounds to me like an alcoholic trying to assert that his drinking is not out of control, No matter how absurd this sounds to anyone else.

(How on earth does one deliberately get a DUI? Did he wake up in the morning, shotgun six beers, and then hop into his car and drive circles around the police station waiting for them to notice him? Even if this is fact what he did ... the reason DUI is illegal is because it is dangerous. During the time he was out there driving drunk, even if it was “planned”, he could have killed someone. This does not speak well of his mental processes).
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Old 11-06-2019, 03:07 PM
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pookie….I agree with the other posters about his story being BS....
His reluctance to accept any kind of help,whatsoever, probably means that his whiteknuckling will be shortlived.

I do differ, in one way, though. I am thinking about your daughter....they look at the alcoholic parent through different eyes than the alcoholic's partfner does. It seems that she has not seen her father since she was 3yrs. old....but, she does know that he exists, because she has talked to him.....
Children yearn for their matter how bad that parent might be....
Children whose parent has been away in prison, for years...sometimes for really bad crimes....often idolize that parent and long for that parent, in their heart....
Thus, I say, that if her dad can be sober....I wound consider letting him see her, under your supervision....for a period of time, in a public a park or at a pizza place...or something similar. At least, she will have a more realistic picture of him....and, something for her memories, when she grows up. I don't recommend lying to her or covering up for him....just the truth, in age appropriate way....
You might run the risk that she might grow up idolizing him and blaming you for "not even letting me see my father".....
You might run this idea past your or your daughter's counselor....

This is the way that I look at the situation.....
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Old 11-06-2019, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by DiggingForFire View Post

I thought immediately about when I was like 6 or 7 and when one of us would fall on the playground we’d always say “I *meant* to do that.”
OMG YES! I was thinking the same thing!!! My AH does this "I planned that" or "that was intentional" too!! I do not even know where they come up with half the stuff they say!
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Old 11-06-2019, 07:34 PM
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Hi pookielou,

My experience is different.

I've heard shares by more than one AA speaker with something very similar as a part of their illness and recovery. Whether something happens during his jail time and it leads directly to recovery remains to be seen. Not likely; it has happened for a few. Alcoholism is a disease that is often confounding to those who have it.

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. Take good care of you, and your little one.
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Old 11-07-2019, 03:06 AM
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In my case a DUI arrest did shake her up. Made her squirm. Made her think.

But did not slow her down at all.
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Old 11-07-2019, 08:05 AM
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I agree. Quack, quack, quack...

I heard my AXH swear off drinking "for good this time" dozens, if not hundreds of times. I believe he would mean it in the moment. He was always very remorseful when he sobered up. He was just never able to live up to it because he never sought true recovery. He just thought he could "mind over matter" it all on his own. He was wrong.

I agree with Dandy about supervised visits. I grew up with an alcoholic Dad, it didn't stop me from loving him...and it didn't stop him from loving me. (To be fair, my dad was always present and never abusive) Maybe reconnecting would be healing for the both of them... and if it isn't you can always make changes

I'm sorry you family is so negatively affected by this insidious disease
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Old 11-10-2019, 11:43 AM
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That's a unique rationalization to say the least. But ok he wants to sober up but he also wants to see his child more. How the heck is going to drive to see them with a suspended license. Or get to work so they can tell a judge they are gainfully employed or have money for the lawyers and increased insurance rates. He'll be drinking more once the financial and logistical realities set in. But all that's based on his excuse. Creative rationalization, not a plan.
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Old 11-10-2019, 10:42 PM
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He is quaking a lot. A whole flock of ducks. If he says DUI was a plan. DUI is not a plan ,it's just bad any way you look at it. No person would think, Hmm how can I get sober, I know I will get drunk first and get arrested for DUI and then they will throw me in jail where I will come out a changed man. Clear of all alchololic thoughts. QUACK , QUACK, QUACK.

You can't just say spend time in jail and be fixed from alcohol. it doesn't work that way. Nearly all the alcoholics out there don't have the will power to just white-knuckle their way through sobriety. Yeah while in jail he had no choice not to drink and that might of help his sobriety, but if he has been drinking for 10 years plus he is going to need some outside support.

If he want's to see his daughter i would proceed with caution. All kids should know their parents. I'm not sure if your daughter has asked about him. She is starting to get to that age of asking questions about her father . Kids usually know a lot more then we think. I would trust your gut on this one. Only you know what is right for you and your daughter in your life right now.

Keep being strong and know that we are here for you.
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Old 11-12-2019, 09:25 AM
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How are you doing today?
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