Want a Alcohol Free Birthday for Kiddo
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Want a Alcohol Free Birthday for Kiddo
Brother and girlfriend are alcoholics. When they showed up to my baby shower, he was already drunk at 11am. I explained to my brother lunch was going to be served soon and that there were waitresses coming around taking guests orders for drinks but if you want to booze you need to go to the bar. He immediately headed to the bar and pretty much stayed there for the duration of the party. Meanwhile, his depressed girlfriend was nursing a hangover and struggled to decorate a onesie with trembling hands.
After the party, they continued drinking at the bar which my friend joined later. She got tossed at my shower but wasn’t noticeable till the end. Another friend of mine who is in recovery and worked with substance abusers asked me who was “driving home the corner table?” A table that consisted solely of my guests. My mother in law commented later that she noticed and didn’t approve. I obviously don’t either. I mean who drives to a baby shower drunk?
So, my problem now is I still want to invite my brother to my daughter’s first birthday party. But, I don’t want any boozing and I don’t want anyone showing up drunk either. I also don’t want folks there nursing a hangover. Unfortunately, for some reason they serve alcohol at this venue which is a venue that is established solely for young children. There is however a two drink limit but I just don’t want boozing at this particular celebration.
Now, sure I could approach my brother and say no boozing or don’t come. But I am not sure how to approach the conversation without becoming preachy or offensive. Oh and no coming nursing a hangover either because it’s embarrassing for me. I’m a little resentful that I even need to have this conversation in the first place. But, funny thing is I will be sad if he can’t get it together to show up sober and hangover free. I’ll be just as sad if chooses not to attend but that seems to be the best option. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t bother inviting alcoholic brother but there will be questions and it will be the last nail in the coffin that is our relationship.
Im sad I lost my brother to this addiction. He use to be my best friend but sometimes I feel it would be better just to let our relationship go. I want this birthday party to be drama free but I think I am creating some of the drama. Idk, any feedback would be appreciated if you can muddle through my ramblings.
Thanks SR.
After the party, they continued drinking at the bar which my friend joined later. She got tossed at my shower but wasn’t noticeable till the end. Another friend of mine who is in recovery and worked with substance abusers asked me who was “driving home the corner table?” A table that consisted solely of my guests. My mother in law commented later that she noticed and didn’t approve. I obviously don’t either. I mean who drives to a baby shower drunk?
So, my problem now is I still want to invite my brother to my daughter’s first birthday party. But, I don’t want any boozing and I don’t want anyone showing up drunk either. I also don’t want folks there nursing a hangover. Unfortunately, for some reason they serve alcohol at this venue which is a venue that is established solely for young children. There is however a two drink limit but I just don’t want boozing at this particular celebration.
Now, sure I could approach my brother and say no boozing or don’t come. But I am not sure how to approach the conversation without becoming preachy or offensive. Oh and no coming nursing a hangover either because it’s embarrassing for me. I’m a little resentful that I even need to have this conversation in the first place. But, funny thing is I will be sad if he can’t get it together to show up sober and hangover free. I’ll be just as sad if chooses not to attend but that seems to be the best option. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t bother inviting alcoholic brother but there will be questions and it will be the last nail in the coffin that is our relationship.
Im sad I lost my brother to this addiction. He use to be my best friend but sometimes I feel it would be better just to let our relationship go. I want this birthday party to be drama free but I think I am creating some of the drama. Idk, any feedback would be appreciated if you can muddle through my ramblings.
Thanks SR.
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Originally Posted by newhope01 
Unfortunately, for some reason they serve alcohol at this venue which is a venue that is established solely for young children. There is however a two drink limit but I just don’t want boozing at this particular celebration.
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I would either switch venues or tell the venue, no alcohol at my table. There are people in recovery, it is not to be served to my guests. You're paying the bill.
Just be straight with your brother, no drinking, no hangovers or don't come. Love you, want you there, don't want your addiction around my child.
As an aside, when my sister married, my father said to the wedding party, any of you have a drink before you get to that church, I will not be paying for this wedding and it will not take place. His cheque book. his rules Lol! We all did low-key for first birthdays with our kids. Parties at Grandparents home, brought the photographer to the house, formal pictures in pretty clothes, changed into casual for cake photos, my girls refused the cake lol. They didn't know what it was. We did the no sugar to a year rule. Take it easy at first, lots of years to do stupid, over the top stuff!
Just be straight with your brother, no drinking, no hangovers or don't come. Love you, want you there, don't want your addiction around my child.
As an aside, when my sister married, my father said to the wedding party, any of you have a drink before you get to that church, I will not be paying for this wedding and it will not take place. His cheque book. his rules Lol! We all did low-key for first birthdays with our kids. Parties at Grandparents home, brought the photographer to the house, formal pictures in pretty clothes, changed into casual for cake photos, my girls refused the cake lol. They didn't know what it was. We did the no sugar to a year rule. Take it easy at first, lots of years to do stupid, over the top stuff!
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It’s simple and cheap. I can’t do it at home bc my house is not suitable. The venue I chose is cheap and very kid oriented.
There would be no problem if brother could abstain.
Really what it boils down to is I don’t want to have the conversation and don’t know how to have it.
Don’t want to be embarrassed either. And if I did change venues and no alcohol was present. He could still show up hungover or with booze. So, conversation still needs to happen.
There would be no problem if brother could abstain.
Really what it boils down to is I don’t want to have the conversation and don’t know how to have it.
Don’t want to be embarrassed either. And if I did change venues and no alcohol was present. He could still show up hungover or with booze. So, conversation still needs to happen.
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Hey. Well. This is a toughie. Is it only your brother you dont want drinking or turning up with a hangover or you dont want anyone drinking? In my opinion it's a little hard to have those rules when you have a venue with a bar. If it is only your brother you do not want drinking then perhaps the conversation could go along the lines of you really want him to be there to celebrate your daughters 1st birthday and would love him to be sober and present for the event and feel free to drink after. If others are ordering drinks from the bar then this may make it more difficult. It's hard to know without knowing your brother and also yours and his relationship but of I was still drinking and was asked if I could abstain for the event but then realised there was a bar and others were drinking I know I would have taken that very personally and probably would either order a drink anyhow or have really sulked over it. I can see now how selfish I was when drinking but when someone is still in the madness....?
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Personally, I'd simply tell him 'if you can't wait to drink until after the party, just don't come.. I'm not judging you but, it's literally only going to be a couple hours party..go drink after.' I'm pretty sure I know what place you're talking about because I used to have my daughter's party at a similar place (and remember the two beer limit) when she was younger. Nowadays I have to 'borrow' my buddy's kids to go there to eat and play some games to not look like a weirdo. 😁 But, seriously...you shouldn't have to be worried about babysitting your bro.
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I would be incredibly shocked if anyone else ordered a drink with the exception of my one friend who got hammered at my shower.
Ive been contemplating not inviting her but that’s an easier task than not inviting little one’s uncle. I’d list the name of the location but don’t want to ruin my anonymity. It’s ridiculous that they serve any alcohol at all. I don’t see the point.
Ive been contemplating not inviting her but that’s an easier task than not inviting little one’s uncle. I’d list the name of the location but don’t want to ruin my anonymity. It’s ridiculous that they serve any alcohol at all. I don’t see the point.
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Originally Posted by Anna
Then, Newhope, maybe it's time for the conversation to happen. I would not allow a family member to upset or ruin the happy occasion. It's your party and you're in charge.
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What I would say is, this birthday is "dry" so just giving you a head's up, there won't be any alcohol before or during. I understand if you don't want to attend.
Now if he questions whether they have alcohol there, I would say, they do have alcohol but this is a dry birthday so there won't be any alcohol before or during.
He's an alcoholic, this should not be right out of left field for him.
It's just more of a "blanket" statement, he still might be offended but the success of the party is more important.
Now if he questions whether they have alcohol there, I would say, they do have alcohol but this is a dry birthday so there won't be any alcohol before or during.
He's an alcoholic, this should not be right out of left field for him.
It's just more of a "blanket" statement, he still might be offended but the success of the party is more important.
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your daughter is turning ONE. this party isn't really for HER. she won't remember it, can't open presents on her own, truly enjoy the "kid friendly" venue, much less do much more than mash cake into her face.
we ADULTS have parties for 1 year olds for ourselves. your daughter could care less if Uncle Tom is wasted. she won't remember ANY of it.
i'd say, pare it down to a few family members at your unsuitable home, about 30 minutes should suffice and call it good.
we ADULTS have parties for 1 year olds for ourselves. your daughter could care less if Uncle Tom is wasted. she won't remember ANY of it.
i'd say, pare it down to a few family members at your unsuitable home, about 30 minutes should suffice and call it good.
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I don’t think that’s an irrational request at all. I come from both the alcoholic background, as well as the spouse of an alcoholic and my in-laws are alcoholics.
Before I quit drinking, every and all of our parties included alcohol. Yep, even first birthday parties.
Last year was the first NA kids birthday party. I sent out a message to my husband’s family that it would be NA and oh boy did the poop hit the fan. My husband and his family were deeply offended.
They still attended, made ridiculous comments, and left early.
This year, I didn’t text them that it was NA. They knew to expect it. Only one person grumbled about it.
It’s your party. Do what is right for you and your family. They will probably be pissed about it now but it will get easier down the road. And you will have clearly established your boundaries for your family.
Before I quit drinking, every and all of our parties included alcohol. Yep, even first birthday parties.
Last year was the first NA kids birthday party. I sent out a message to my husband’s family that it would be NA and oh boy did the poop hit the fan. My husband and his family were deeply offended.
They still attended, made ridiculous comments, and left early.
This year, I didn’t text them that it was NA. They knew to expect it. Only one person grumbled about it.
It’s your party. Do what is right for you and your family. They will probably be pissed about it now but it will get easier down the road. And you will have clearly established your boundaries for your family.
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If you want to invite your alcoholic family members to a party that will have booze, the math is all right there. You have choices here: change the venue, change the invite list.
If you can't trust your alcoholic family members not to act up at your party, why invite them at all?
If you can't trust your alcoholic family members not to act up at your party, why invite them at all?
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It's probably just a matter of how you phrase it. A 'heads-up' in a light-hearted way would be appropriate, but I don't think you can do much about the hangover thing.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
What I would say is, this birthday is "dry" so just giving you a head's up, there won't be any alcohol before or during. I understand if you don't want to attend.
Now if he questions whether they have alcohol there, I would say, they do have alcohol but this is a dry birthday so there won't be any alcohol before or during.
He's an alcoholic, this should not be right out of left field for him.
It's just more of a "blanket" statement, he still might be offended but the success of the party is more important.
Now if he questions whether they have alcohol there, I would say, they do have alcohol but this is a dry birthday so there won't be any alcohol before or during.
He's an alcoholic, this should not be right out of left field for him.
It's just more of a "blanket" statement, he still might be offended but the success of the party is more important.
Yes, this birthday party is for me and I contemplated not having it. But I deserve it and am so proud of little one that I want to show her off. It’s nothing big but I really can’t have it at my house unless it’s just me and dad. Besides I’m sure the other kiddos will like the games. Her cousins adore her and I want them to spend it with her too.
Thanks for the feedback, it’s appreciated. 😊
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I agree that 1 year old bday parties are mostly for adults and your kiddo won’t remember whatever happens. That said, you will so you set the boundaries.
You need to decide what is most important. You have the kid party at a place where they serve alcohol you know what will happen. So either you don’t invite him or you change venues. As one of my bosses used to say...life is all about choices. You have a choice and so does you brother. And trying to appease a drunk I have learned is just useless. If you don’t n’invite will it upset him and make him mad? Or if you tell him he can come but he can’t drink will it upset him or make him mad? Looks like he will get mad no matter what unless you let him do what he wants and then you will be upset and mad. Who is the more important person here? I have pleased people for my entire life and who ended up paying for it in the end? Me! Set boundaries and stick to them. He has a choice....he either complies or and he can join the party or does not and he doesn’t get invited. That is a choice he has to make. How he feels about it is not your problem. He can get mad all he wants. Tiptoeing around him and not wanting to upset him because you don’t want to ruin your relationship is not really doing anything for the relationship at all. It is not way to have a relationship. And believe you me, that’s what my marriage was like for a long time so I have been there done that. Not upsetting him may keep him around but it isn’t a healthy relationship and you will continue to run into to this “dilemma” with other events. Also, he isn’t worried about your feelings, is he? So why should you make all the sacrifices to keep the relationship “alive”? If his niece is more important to him than the booze he will comply (spoiler alert ....she isn’t, no one is more important than his booze) and if the booze is more important, well then that is his choice.
I know the confrontation is hard, I’m am the queen of not wanting to confront people in order to avoid hurt feelings (although I have gotten a lot better these past 3 years thanks to lots of thérapie ) but if you want a uneventful bday party you are going to have to face him or deal with a drunk guest at your party. Again, this is your choice. I tend to do better writing things down because I can think about what I want to say and reread it and change it. I will remember to say things that I might forget otherwise or avoid saying things unlike when you talk to someone in person. So often times with something like this I would write an email. But however you decide to address it, keep it short and to the point without trying to justify the why.
We all tend to make excuses or justifications for things in life and some of us are better at it than others....it isn’t a good thing really. You want a dry party that is your prerogative and you don’t have to justify it. It is what you want. Others can comply or not , that is their choice. I do think that it may get tricky if non problem drinkers will be drinking at the party. So either set the expectation that no one can drink or don’t invite your brother. Until your brother is ready to get sober booze will always come first, that is a hard thing to accept for non problem drinkers but it is the truth. Our job is to set boundaries and stick to them.
You need to decide what is most important. You have the kid party at a place where they serve alcohol you know what will happen. So either you don’t invite him or you change venues. As one of my bosses used to say...life is all about choices. You have a choice and so does you brother. And trying to appease a drunk I have learned is just useless. If you don’t n’invite will it upset him and make him mad? Or if you tell him he can come but he can’t drink will it upset him or make him mad? Looks like he will get mad no matter what unless you let him do what he wants and then you will be upset and mad. Who is the more important person here? I have pleased people for my entire life and who ended up paying for it in the end? Me! Set boundaries and stick to them. He has a choice....he either complies or and he can join the party or does not and he doesn’t get invited. That is a choice he has to make. How he feels about it is not your problem. He can get mad all he wants. Tiptoeing around him and not wanting to upset him because you don’t want to ruin your relationship is not really doing anything for the relationship at all. It is not way to have a relationship. And believe you me, that’s what my marriage was like for a long time so I have been there done that. Not upsetting him may keep him around but it isn’t a healthy relationship and you will continue to run into to this “dilemma” with other events. Also, he isn’t worried about your feelings, is he? So why should you make all the sacrifices to keep the relationship “alive”? If his niece is more important to him than the booze he will comply (spoiler alert ....she isn’t, no one is more important than his booze) and if the booze is more important, well then that is his choice.
I know the confrontation is hard, I’m am the queen of not wanting to confront people in order to avoid hurt feelings (although I have gotten a lot better these past 3 years thanks to lots of thérapie ) but if you want a uneventful bday party you are going to have to face him or deal with a drunk guest at your party. Again, this is your choice. I tend to do better writing things down because I can think about what I want to say and reread it and change it. I will remember to say things that I might forget otherwise or avoid saying things unlike when you talk to someone in person. So often times with something like this I would write an email. But however you decide to address it, keep it short and to the point without trying to justify the why.
We all tend to make excuses or justifications for things in life and some of us are better at it than others....it isn’t a good thing really. You want a dry party that is your prerogative and you don’t have to justify it. It is what you want. Others can comply or not , that is their choice. I do think that it may get tricky if non problem drinkers will be drinking at the party. So either set the expectation that no one can drink or don’t invite your brother. Until your brother is ready to get sober booze will always come first, that is a hard thing to accept for non problem drinkers but it is the truth. Our job is to set boundaries and stick to them.
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I think trailmix’s idea of telling your brother there won’t be any alcohol served and you would understand if he and girlfriend aren’t able to come is a good one. It gives him an out if he really can’t keep it together long enough to attend this gathering. If he googles the venue and discovers that it does serve beer (or whatever), you could say that the event itself is dry.
It’s also completely legit to not invite him. He and girlfriend have effectively disinvited themselves by showing up drunk at events where any normal person would know it’s inappropriate (like a baby shower). He made the choice to disqualify himself from normal-person family occasions, you’re not imposing it on him.
It’s also completely legit to not invite him. He and girlfriend have effectively disinvited themselves by showing up drunk at events where any normal person would know it’s inappropriate (like a baby shower). He made the choice to disqualify himself from normal-person family occasions, you’re not imposing it on him.
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Totally been in this situation....not a first birthday party but other events for my children...
That fear, the fact that I had actual FEAR telling a person (family or not) about what I want at a party that I am hosting was, for me, a sign of real codependence and a sign that my brother(s)'s addiction had had a lot of success at getting me to play for Team Alcohol!
I struggled with these decisions, I made myself so anxious about events, because indeed my brothers ruined many events with their drinking or hungover misery.
Why, how, did I finally wake up and realize DUH I get to call the shots in my own life? That I get to choose peace of mind, and I get to decide who I want around my sons, modeling behavior? No apology necessary!
I guess it was after a couple years of AlAnon, therapy and lots of reading. And you know what? Just finally saying, "I'm having a gathering but if you're going to drink I'd rather you didn't come," or just not inviting them at all was not the HUGE SCARY deal that Team Alcohol had convinced me it was going to be.
My therapist taught me that I could have boundaries and do it with just a kind of relaxed matter-of-factness....like, "Yeah so this is how it is with me, love you, but don't love being around you and your drinking." End of sentence.
I stopped taking their grumpy pissed off reaction personally, and accepted that their addiction (which I refuse to enable) is pulling the puppet strings of their anger...and I have every right to claim my space without alcohol and they can choose not to come if they can't handle a few hours with family and no booze!
My sister and I paid for our mom's 80th birthday party at a catering hall, brothers were too up their own addicted ass*s to contribute to party planning, we chose lunchtime and no booze. Brothers came and it was a great party, 3 hours of family togetherness without alcohol, tension, or embarrassing situations. A great day for a huge crowd.
See the thing is -when I gave so much anxiety and weight to the booze/no booze anger equation I myself was losing sight of who is the party for??? It's not for alcohol to get it's day in the sunshine - it's for the birthday person, or whatever the occasion is - people that don't have a problem with alcohol don't give a crap if there is no booze at a party! They come to the party for the RIGHT reasons, to honor the person being feted!
Anyhoo - I feel for you - but just know, you can say what you mean, mean what you, and not say it mean. You can just shake your head and shrug and be cool, no reason for anger, and say, "This is just where I'm at, I'm not telling you what to do, but it's my party and I'm not having alcohol at my party. Your choice whether to come or not!"
Peace,
B.
That fear, the fact that I had actual FEAR telling a person (family or not) about what I want at a party that I am hosting was, for me, a sign of real codependence and a sign that my brother(s)'s addiction had had a lot of success at getting me to play for Team Alcohol!
I struggled with these decisions, I made myself so anxious about events, because indeed my brothers ruined many events with their drinking or hungover misery.
Why, how, did I finally wake up and realize DUH I get to call the shots in my own life? That I get to choose peace of mind, and I get to decide who I want around my sons, modeling behavior? No apology necessary!
I guess it was after a couple years of AlAnon, therapy and lots of reading. And you know what? Just finally saying, "I'm having a gathering but if you're going to drink I'd rather you didn't come," or just not inviting them at all was not the HUGE SCARY deal that Team Alcohol had convinced me it was going to be.
My therapist taught me that I could have boundaries and do it with just a kind of relaxed matter-of-factness....like, "Yeah so this is how it is with me, love you, but don't love being around you and your drinking." End of sentence.
I stopped taking their grumpy pissed off reaction personally, and accepted that their addiction (which I refuse to enable) is pulling the puppet strings of their anger...and I have every right to claim my space without alcohol and they can choose not to come if they can't handle a few hours with family and no booze!
My sister and I paid for our mom's 80th birthday party at a catering hall, brothers were too up their own addicted ass*s to contribute to party planning, we chose lunchtime and no booze. Brothers came and it was a great party, 3 hours of family togetherness without alcohol, tension, or embarrassing situations. A great day for a huge crowd.
See the thing is -when I gave so much anxiety and weight to the booze/no booze anger equation I myself was losing sight of who is the party for??? It's not for alcohol to get it's day in the sunshine - it's for the birthday person, or whatever the occasion is - people that don't have a problem with alcohol don't give a crap if there is no booze at a party! They come to the party for the RIGHT reasons, to honor the person being feted!
Anyhoo - I feel for you - but just know, you can say what you mean, mean what you, and not say it mean. You can just shake your head and shrug and be cool, no reason for anger, and say, "This is just where I'm at, I'm not telling you what to do, but it's my party and I'm not having alcohol at my party. Your choice whether to come or not!"
Peace,
B.
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Loved the idea
Trail mix's suggestion was my favorite. Stating boundaries ahead of time for everyone is most excellent; however, this is a disease and it's akin to saying "don't show up if you're bringing your addiction".
Setting your brother and his girlfriend up to fail is not something I would do at all. Subjecting small children to addiction is also something I would avoid. I would simply pare down the guest list and make a video for caring family to view later.
Setting your brother and his girlfriend up to fail is not something I would do at all. Subjecting small children to addiction is also something I would avoid. I would simply pare down the guest list and make a video for caring family to view later.
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