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Old 11-04-2019, 12:51 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I am furious!


Deep breath coming here. I have read some posts and looked for the calm I was seeking.
My oldest just called me to tell me that my AH left him a three page note on his car while he was at work. The note uses a lot of "your mom and I" and then messages of disappointment and disapproval. DS read it to me and I told him that those are things that I would never say (Even though they are not exactly off-target) and that he can only choose his reaction to this situation.
They are both in the wrong on this one and have dragged me right into the middle. I was sitting here, so mad at both of them, and not able to think of what I was going to do next. I started thinking what the "old me" would have done and set out not to do any of those things. Sooo...I am doing nothing. Carrying on with my day like it never happened. I said to myself that I was glad I was able to provide a safe place for my son to unload his thoughts but that didn't mean I had to have a reaction to them because they were not mine to own.
I will be here for a bit, just reading through your posts and thinking....I have to keep myself busy until I can actually move forward without making a bad decision.

Thanks for letting me "unload" here....It helps to just say these things to people who get it.
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Old 11-04-2019, 12:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Sounds like a pretty healthy reaction to me!
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Old 11-04-2019, 01:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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So I'm guessing they are not happy with your reactions to anything? Both of them or just your AH?

Is this an attempt by AH to "explain" your relationship troubles to your Son?

Or is this him being disapproving of your Son and dragging you in to that too?

Any of those are just weird things to leave a note for.
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Old 11-04-2019, 01:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
So I'm guessing they are not happy with your reactions to anything? Both of them or just your AH?

Is this an attempt by AH to "explain" your relationship troubles to your Son?

Or is this him being disapproving of your Son and dragging you in to that too?

Any of those are just weird things to leave a note for.
This is AH being disapproving of anything that is not exactly his way and then dragging me in because he knows the kids do not want me to be disappointed in them. I know he left the note because I wont let him berate the kids at home so this was the only way he could say what he wanted before I shut him down.
My son has his own issues and is not a perfect person by any means. He is equally manipulative and does not like it when I brush him off either.
Together they are like fire and gasoline!
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Old 11-04-2019, 01:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Well I think your reaction is great. You let your Son say what he had to say and now you are letting it go. It isn't yours to own.

The only thing that's really disturbing is AH speaking "for" you. Including you in his correspondence without your approval is very disrespectful and I would, personally, follow up on that. Just because he doesn't like the way you do things doesn't mean he gets to speak for you.

That's huge boundary crossing. But hey, that's just me.
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Old 11-04-2019, 02:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Oddsunflower,

I know just sitting there and hearing the things your AH is putting your name too can make you mad. How dare he attach my name to his thoughts. I can image you just wanted to scream at that point when you heard it.

I think you handled it great. You stayed calm. You let your son vent what he had to say. You calming stated those were not you thoughts and you moved on. Good for you.

Anytime you need to vent you can always come here. Keep being strong and have a great day.
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Old 11-04-2019, 03:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi oddsunflower,

If there isn't an Al-Anon meeting available today, perhaps attending an open AA meeting would help?

Expecting healthy actions from ill people can create a lot to deal with. One step at a time, one day at a time, there are solutions. Posting here is a beautiful step. I simply had the inspired thought to through out a meeting suggestion, also.
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Old 11-04-2019, 10:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I was sitting here, so mad at both of them, and not able to think of what I was going to do next. I started thinking what the "old me" would have done and set out not to do any of those things. Sooo...I am doing nothing. Carrying on with my day like it never happened.
I so love what you said here Oddsunflower . . . .brilliant.
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Old 11-05-2019, 04:36 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I managed to make it through the night without ever bringing any of it up. I could tell it was driving them crazy!
As for my AH dragging me into HIS ways, this has been a forever and always thing. He frequently says, "Oh she would love to do that" or "we do not think..." I have hated this for so long. Now it drives me bonkers because we are walking this journey on opposite sides of the street and I keep mine pretty clean, so I would rather not be associated with his debacles. I will handle this at another time or when he brings up what he did. I am not in the mood to deal with his gaslighting and crazy talk.
On a positive note...I made a new and unexpected friend today. We made a swap of goods and when I went back to her house to uphold my end of the swap, she told me that her husband was an awful person and that she wished she could get away from him. It was kind of random because we were strangers before this (I had done one previous swap with her but we did not really chat at that time) Anyway, we talked for an hour and when I was leaving she told me that she was really glad that I came into her life today...we made plans for lunch on Friday and a trip to the animal shelter to rescue some parrots. I cleaned my aviary and put some plants in it and I am so excited to share it with her. I will be surprising her and taking my sons to her house to help her fix a few things that her husband refuses to do for her. She has a lovely aviary as well and it is in shambles because he wont help her and wont let her kids come help her either. I am really excited to find another one out there like me.......she even said the same thing! Maybe this is the out.......maybe this is who I needed to find so BOTH of us can find peace and get away from our situations.
Thanks to all of you for listening to these rambles. This group is my sanity!!
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Old 11-06-2019, 07:21 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I got to thinking about this some more. I really want to applaud your decision to walk away and do nothing. It took me a long time after I divorced not to react to every little crappy thing my XAH was doing to our kids. I now apply the three C's and move forward, allowing them to see him for what he is. Instead I put my focus on being there for them and helping them be stronger people because unfortunately they will have to deal w/their father forever.

So...another big support and applause for you!!!!! Well done!
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Old 11-06-2019, 07:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Is that a common thing among As (the not helping/not allowing help)? My EXAH did the same thing with our half bath and my car. He tore apart our half bath when we moved in then never finished the renovation. It was a storage closet for 9 years. He'd laugh hysterically when I had to run up or down the stairs to use a different bathroom. Once we were divorcing and selling the house my brothers stepped in and finished it. It was ridiculous!
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Old 11-06-2019, 08:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Is that a common thing among As (the not helping/not allowing help)? My EXAH did the same thing with our half bath and my car. He tore apart our half bath when we moved in then never finished the renovation. It was a storage closet for 9 years. He'd laugh hysterically when I had to run up or down the stairs to use a different bathroom. Once we were divorcing and selling the house my brothers stepped in and finished it. It was ridiculous!
My AH never finishes anything and then gets so mad if I ask someone else to do it!!! I come from a long line of constructors (I am pretty handy myself) and they are always willing to help but he refuses. AH is a city boy with soft hands that had never even plunged a toilet until we got married. I have had to teach him how to use a paintbrush and power tools...he still can't fire up a chainsaw. I got a new stove and was struggling with the install because it was a two man job but he just couldn't be bothered so I called my cousin and traded him for a cup of coffee and peanut butter cookies and my AH sat in the living room with his arms crossed and wouldn't even chat and then was mad for 2 weeks because of it!!!
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Old 11-06-2019, 11:40 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Oddsunflower, the more I read the more I believe we all married the same man!!
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Old 11-06-2019, 01:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I remember one time when the sliding screen door broke. I could see that if I got some new wheely things for the door then it would stay in it's track. I took the old wheely things to the hardware store and found new wheely things.

My XAH and his friend watched me struggle with the door, screwdrivers etc. They drank beer and laughed at me struggling, not oferring to help at all. Saying stuff like I would need to buy a new door, the door was not fixable, I was stupid etc.

That door is still fixed and instead of owning 50% of the door, I own the whole door, every brick, tile and drop of paint because I divorced that drunken loser and paid him out. He happily drank his half of the equity I paid him.
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Old 11-06-2019, 01:56 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Yep... the "unfinisher" is quite common, at least it is in my world. Actually, the situation is more like "non-starter" because even beginning a small project takes too much effort and time away from the main focus: drinking!
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Old 11-06-2019, 03:55 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Oddsunflower, the more I read the more I believe we all married the same man!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLLisa View Post
I remember one time when the sliding screen door broke. I could see that if I got some new wheely things for the door then it would stay in it's track. I took the old wheely things to the hardware store and found new wheely things.

My XAH and his friend watched me struggle with the door, screwdrivers etc. They drank beer and laughed at me struggling, not oferring to help at all. Saying stuff like I would need to buy a new door, the door was not fixable, I was stupid etc.

That door is still fixed and instead of owning 50% of the door, I own the whole door, every brick, tile and drop of paint because I divorced that drunken loser and paid him out. He happily drank his half of the equity I paid him.
Gingerpeach- I am thinking we all are married to a version of this in some way. It is why we can come together and laugh about these things that would make "normal" women crash and burn!

LLLisa- Fabulous!!! You go girl! And I seriously LOVE how you took ownership of that door!!!
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