He says he'll quit again (my first post, an intro to my situation)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 3
He says he'll quit again (my first post, an intro to my situation)
He's sorry. He knows he was an a** He loves me. Please stand by him.
Whether it was written on a note stuck to the coffee maker or in a text half way through the day.
It's never lasted more than a few months. Most often no more than a few days. He sneaks drinks and hides, but I'm not stupid. And if I show even the slightest bit of anxiety or upset over it- (I can hide it but he goads me) he blows up.
He won't go to meetings or seek counselling. He doesn't drink to excess as often anymore. Maybe once or twice a month. Most of the time it's "two beers" I can't really believe that though. I can't believe a lot of what he says.
His demeanor changes. His eyes are red. His voice changes. He pops in a stick of gum, sometimes uses visine. But, I know him. I've known him half our lives. We've been together since high school and are late 30's now.
He's a mean drinker. He bullies me and the kids. He hates nothing worse than my being silent or trying to keep my head down. But I am often trying to duck and cover. Just stay quiet and try to avoid this impending fight. Whether he's had 2 beers or 20 he projects his issues on me, and then when I've been poked enough to come back with a quip or remark the light turns green and it's show time! He often gaslights me. At a certain point probably 5 beers in, he gets very juvenile and ridiculously in your face obnoxious.
No argument can possibly really be about the car being close to E and who drove it last or who left the laundry in the washer too long- it must be about his drinking! (His very weird and played out projection) he thinks that I have such a problem with his drinking that I become hostile (it's really him) and act like he's a fool (I don't, lord help me if he is being one I do try very hard not to laugh as I know it will spiral) and turn his children against him. (Folks, he has said and done some very very nasty things and I protect them as best I can and never ever trash talk or let them disrespect him. Though our 12 year old is starting to catch on and jump in on arguments to defend me.) Believe me - his drinking is not what its about unless I come right out and say thats what it's about. I am not the beat around the bush type.
I am a stay at home mom. (I homeschool our kids and will not put them in public school-this is agreed upon mutually) and he constantly (while drinking) throws it in my face how he pays for everything. How dare I be just a little bit mad at him for putting a dent in my car door because he paid for it and everything else in this house including this house! He works 5 days a week to support me. How ungrateful I am, that I would have the audacity!
It's gotten so predictable, I could write out every fight.
1- real reason a fight broke out
2- "it's because you smell beer on my breath! Isn't it?!"
3- how dare you, I am the sole breadwinner!
How many of you could have written this? Is any of this familiar? am I alone?
Whether it was written on a note stuck to the coffee maker or in a text half way through the day.
It's never lasted more than a few months. Most often no more than a few days. He sneaks drinks and hides, but I'm not stupid. And if I show even the slightest bit of anxiety or upset over it- (I can hide it but he goads me) he blows up.
He won't go to meetings or seek counselling. He doesn't drink to excess as often anymore. Maybe once or twice a month. Most of the time it's "two beers" I can't really believe that though. I can't believe a lot of what he says.
His demeanor changes. His eyes are red. His voice changes. He pops in a stick of gum, sometimes uses visine. But, I know him. I've known him half our lives. We've been together since high school and are late 30's now.
He's a mean drinker. He bullies me and the kids. He hates nothing worse than my being silent or trying to keep my head down. But I am often trying to duck and cover. Just stay quiet and try to avoid this impending fight. Whether he's had 2 beers or 20 he projects his issues on me, and then when I've been poked enough to come back with a quip or remark the light turns green and it's show time! He often gaslights me. At a certain point probably 5 beers in, he gets very juvenile and ridiculously in your face obnoxious.
No argument can possibly really be about the car being close to E and who drove it last or who left the laundry in the washer too long- it must be about his drinking! (His very weird and played out projection) he thinks that I have such a problem with his drinking that I become hostile (it's really him) and act like he's a fool (I don't, lord help me if he is being one I do try very hard not to laugh as I know it will spiral) and turn his children against him. (Folks, he has said and done some very very nasty things and I protect them as best I can and never ever trash talk or let them disrespect him. Though our 12 year old is starting to catch on and jump in on arguments to defend me.) Believe me - his drinking is not what its about unless I come right out and say thats what it's about. I am not the beat around the bush type.
I am a stay at home mom. (I homeschool our kids and will not put them in public school-this is agreed upon mutually) and he constantly (while drinking) throws it in my face how he pays for everything. How dare I be just a little bit mad at him for putting a dent in my car door because he paid for it and everything else in this house including this house! He works 5 days a week to support me. How ungrateful I am, that I would have the audacity!
It's gotten so predictable, I could write out every fight.
1- real reason a fight broke out
2- "it's because you smell beer on my breath! Isn't it?!"
3- how dare you, I am the sole breadwinner!
How many of you could have written this? Is any of this familiar? am I alone?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
You are one of many people dealing with similar situations. 
I'm glad you're here. Welcome to SR. Al-Anon and local women's resource centers may also be of great help.
Baby steps. Keep it simple.
As you start gaining resources and awareness you'll also gain skills to deal with this.
I'm glad you're here. Welcome to SR. Al-Anon and local women's resource centers may also be of great help.
Baby steps. Keep it simple.
As you start gaining resources and awareness you'll also gain skills to deal with this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 3
Thank you! I felt better just having written it.
My parents listen and talk with me about it. They are supportive. Thankful to have them as sounding boards. I don't talk a lot with my friends about it, except one and only because she is married to an alcoholic as well. It's not super out in the open, although if people can't see, its because they aren't looking. I haven't sought help yet but am considering going to Al Anon at my church, though I fear it may cause severe backlash from my husband. He "doesn't have a problem"
My parents listen and talk with me about it. They are supportive. Thankful to have them as sounding boards. I don't talk a lot with my friends about it, except one and only because she is married to an alcoholic as well. It's not super out in the open, although if people can't see, its because they aren't looking. I haven't sought help yet but am considering going to Al Anon at my church, though I fear it may cause severe backlash from my husband. He "doesn't have a problem"
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
"Meeting with friends" is one of the ways I've heard for describing going to a meeting. Safety first. Many alcoholics adapt to family members going to Al-Anon. Some may not.
One of the SR members used to refer to Al-Anon as "the better daddy club".
One of the SR members used to refer to Al-Anon as "the better daddy club".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
as long as you rely solely upon him for everything, you have limited your choices. that he is an utter schmuck is a given - however without an income or resources of your own, you remain schmuck-dependent. and all ya'll have to live in misery.
have you considered viable options?
have you considered viable options?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Hi Autumn,
I really hope you are able to get to Al-Anon.
Have you considered leaving to protect yourself and your children? You might want to contact the DV (domestic violence) center in your area. Just give them a call. They will have contacts for counselling and other services you can access.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/
How old are your children, perhaps old enough to attend Alateen?
I really hope you are able to get to Al-Anon.
Have you considered leaving to protect yourself and your children? You might want to contact the DV (domestic violence) center in your area. Just give them a call. They will have contacts for counselling and other services you can access.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/
How old are your children, perhaps old enough to attend Alateen?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Autumnrapp…...Welcome. Of course, you are not alone.....!
from what you share, it seems like your husband rules the home by emotional intimidation.
It, also, sounds like your husband has a very patriarchal view of marriage roles and has little respect for your value and contribution to the marriage and family...….
In many ways, it reminds me of my first husband...the father of my three children....After a few years of the CONSTANT putdowns and criticisms...I could not hide my light under a bushel, any more...I divorced him, even though my children were still very young.....It was as if I had left prison gates behind me, and I have never regretted that decision...…
I don't have any idea of where you live, but, I encourage you to reach out for any kind of support that you can find. You need support from those who understand your situation....Believe me, you are not the only wife who is in your position....
from what you share, it seems like your husband rules the home by emotional intimidation.
It, also, sounds like your husband has a very patriarchal view of marriage roles and has little respect for your value and contribution to the marriage and family...….
In many ways, it reminds me of my first husband...the father of my three children....After a few years of the CONSTANT putdowns and criticisms...I could not hide my light under a bushel, any more...I divorced him, even though my children were still very young.....It was as if I had left prison gates behind me, and I have never regretted that decision...…
I don't have any idea of where you live, but, I encourage you to reach out for any kind of support that you can find. You need support from those who understand your situation....Believe me, you are not the only wife who is in your position....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Is any of this familiar? Unfortunately yes...
I’m sorry your in this position
A main point that stuck out to me is your 12 year old “catching on”. Trust me when I say the children are smarter then you think. They know and feel everything that is going on. My son started the same thing when he was around 12. He was 14 when he came to me in tears one day and said he couldn’t take his AF anymore. I thought I did such a great job of protecting, deflecting and overcompensating for his fathers actions...I was wrong
It broke my heart
We left my AH not even a month later
I thought I could “control” the situation (I could not), thought he would get help or quit on his own (I was in denial), thought I could handle it on my own (I was wrong).
Nothing and I mean nothing can change an alcoholic but the alcoholic themselves.
You have to care for yourself and your children first. I always thought that was selfish of me, as I thought it meant giving up hope for my AH. I had lost my own identity years ago, being super mom/wife/enabler. Now I realize, as I’ve been practicing self care, it is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and kids.
We are all so much happier living without the constant chaos that was our lives for years. I realize not everyone has the means to leave a bad situation. Please start going to Al Anon and little by little things will hopefully start to “click” for you. Al Anon was such a blessing to me. I’ll admit at first I didn’t quite understand the concept of Al Anon. Now I look forward to every meeting.
Its great you have your parents and a close friend to talk to. If needed could you take a breather and stay at your parents for a bit?
I’m sorry your in this position
A main point that stuck out to me is your 12 year old “catching on”. Trust me when I say the children are smarter then you think. They know and feel everything that is going on. My son started the same thing when he was around 12. He was 14 when he came to me in tears one day and said he couldn’t take his AF anymore. I thought I did such a great job of protecting, deflecting and overcompensating for his fathers actions...I was wrong
It broke my heart
We left my AH not even a month later
I thought I could “control” the situation (I could not), thought he would get help or quit on his own (I was in denial), thought I could handle it on my own (I was wrong).
Nothing and I mean nothing can change an alcoholic but the alcoholic themselves.
You have to care for yourself and your children first. I always thought that was selfish of me, as I thought it meant giving up hope for my AH. I had lost my own identity years ago, being super mom/wife/enabler. Now I realize, as I’ve been practicing self care, it is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and kids.
We are all so much happier living without the constant chaos that was our lives for years. I realize not everyone has the means to leave a bad situation. Please start going to Al Anon and little by little things will hopefully start to “click” for you. Al Anon was such a blessing to me. I’ll admit at first I didn’t quite understand the concept of Al Anon. Now I look forward to every meeting.
Its great you have your parents and a close friend to talk to. If needed could you take a breather and stay at your parents for a bit?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I do think that Farmhouse gal makes an important point. We almost always underestimate how much the children know.- They are like little sponges and absorb everything in the environment....the good and the bad. I think you would be startled to know how much the children have absorbed.---------------
It is the parents' job to protect the children..not a child's job to protect their parent...…
It is a father's and husband's job to protect and nourisn...to elevate his spouse and family....not to intimidate and bring harm....emotional or otherwise…..--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is the parents' job to protect the children..not a child's job to protect their parent...…
It is a father's and husband's job to protect and nourisn...to elevate his spouse and family....not to intimidate and bring harm....emotional or otherwise…..--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
To clarify my post: In no way do I think you don’t pull out every “weapon” in your arsenal to protect your children. My point was, as mothers we tend to wear our emotions on our face and our heart on our sleeve. We’re not fooling anyone, especially our children. If you’re not happy their not happy.
And even though I initially left my AH, I came back home and made him leave. I was prepared to fight tooth and nail to keep my home for our kids. They did nothing wrong and their lives were already in upheaval as it was. My AH surprisingly left without much of a fuss. That was the final justification to me of where his loyalty lies...with his booze and smoke
And even though I initially left my AH, I came back home and made him leave. I was prepared to fight tooth and nail to keep my home for our kids. They did nothing wrong and their lives were already in upheaval as it was. My AH surprisingly left without much of a fuss. That was the final justification to me of where his loyalty lies...with his booze and smoke
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Autumn.....I think that there comes a point where the "wonderfulness" becomes sullied by the bad stuff. This is an often told story here, on the forum. Thousands of people who say that "he is only mean when he is drinking."
It seems that the majority of people who come here for help are at some sort of tipping point. Generally, it is that the drinking...which is always progressive....has begun to cause undeniable negative consequences for the family and the relationships within the family...…
Even with his "wonderfulness"....I think it is good that you have come here for support and help, from those who understand what it is like......
It seems that the majority of people who come here for help are at some sort of tipping point. Generally, it is that the drinking...which is always progressive....has begun to cause undeniable negative consequences for the family and the relationships within the family...…
Even with his "wonderfulness"....I think it is good that you have come here for support and help, from those who understand what it is like......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
Would his family support you in an intervention? It sounds like, when sober, he is a good husband, father, and provider. When drunk, a bully and jerk who is doing real damage to you and your kids.
I understand your desire to homeschool your children; however, you will remain stuck and powerless if you don't have any means to support yourself. Can you enter the workforce part-time? Complete financial dependency on your husband puts you and your children in a precarious situation.
I understand your desire to homeschool your children; however, you will remain stuck and powerless if you don't have any means to support yourself. Can you enter the workforce part-time? Complete financial dependency on your husband puts you and your children in a precarious situation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 63
Also, alcoholism is a deadly, progressive disease. Just because he is able to work and support you now doesn't mean he'll be able to five or ten years down the line. Alcoholics often lose their jobs because of performance issues or illness (my XAH did). It's a time bomb that you must take steps to defuse...now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by AutumnRapp 
How many of you could have written this? Is any of this familiar? am I alone?
You're getting lots of good input here. My only contribution FWIW is: I told myself for a longtime that my AH was high-functioning, as if that were a type of alcoholic. I mean he had a good job, made great money, we weren't in debt, he was good with the kids (when he was sober, that is). But, as others on this forum have said, high-functioning isn't a type of alcoholism, it's a stage. It really is a progressive disease. It can and will get worse, without treatment. And that's what happened to my AH. He spiraled downward very quickly last Spring. In retrospect, I should have been planning for the downfall-- for when the big salary was gone, for when he started racking up huge medical bills, and for when he'd need lawyers to deal with criminal charges. Believe me--I *never* would have thought I'd be in this boat. I wouldn't marry someone like that! But that's what alcoholism can do--it can rob you entirely of your security, your sanity, and life you imagined for yourself. What's that old adage--hope for the best, but plan for the worst? Well, that's my advice: plan for things to get worse when you're living with an active alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He's just a bully when he's drinking. A real life Jekyll & Hyde. When he's sober, he's caring and sweet. He's wonderful.
but he is a bully to YOU and HIS children. and there is NO excuse for that. none. and it's NEVER ok at home by one's own parent.
alcohol alone does not MAKE people mean. some people get "happy", others "stupid", others incoherent, and some get mean.
remember it's the NICE guy who picks up the drink, knowing what will happen. he knows EXACTLY what will happen. grown man, getting drunk, and picking on kids. real dad of the year, that one.
like the word or not, this is abuse. 3rd graders get thrown out of school for similar behavior.
but he is a bully to YOU and HIS children. and there is NO excuse for that. none. and it's NEVER ok at home by one's own parent.
alcohol alone does not MAKE people mean. some people get "happy", others "stupid", others incoherent, and some get mean.
remember it's the NICE guy who picks up the drink, knowing what will happen. he knows EXACTLY what will happen. grown man, getting drunk, and picking on kids. real dad of the year, that one.
like the word or not, this is abuse. 3rd graders get thrown out of school for similar behavior.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
He is only "nice and wonderful" so you will tolerate his abuse.
Google the cycle of abuse.
I am sorry you are the in this situation but I am sorrier
for your children. They have been harmed no matter
how much you wish to deny it.
Alanon will help you to understand what you are really
dealing with - it is called the family disease of alcoholism-
and all are harmed.
No- he doesn't have a problem, but you and the children
do, and they are helpless in this abusive environment.
When I started alanon I told my husband I HAD A problem
with his drinking and I needed help.
Google the cycle of abuse.
I am sorry you are the in this situation but I am sorrier
for your children. They have been harmed no matter
how much you wish to deny it.
Alanon will help you to understand what you are really
dealing with - it is called the family disease of alcoholism-
and all are harmed.
No- he doesn't have a problem, but you and the children
do, and they are helpless in this abusive environment.
When I started alanon I told my husband I HAD A problem
with his drinking and I needed help.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Being a practical person, I focussed on Anvilhead's post which pointed out that you don't have any financial choice but to be dependent on him. If as you say you insist on home-schooling, unless you can find an income that allows you to do that, and it could be child support, you're facing a few years of giving them the schooling you want in an atmosphere of abuse.
Your AH is abusive, and the kids are listening. As you say, you can't just shut down and avoid it because that provokes him.
He's not paying for everything; you are splitting the work required to raise children. Giving them full-time education is work enough for anyone, not to mention running the household.
You may need to rethink your priorities and make some compromises. You might be able to home-school with child support as your income, but for their sake getting them out of a situation where they are subjected to daily verbal abuse is also critical. Think about your future prospects of work. Are you doing anything to train or refresh qualifications so you can earn to support them?
Your AH is abusive, and the kids are listening. As you say, you can't just shut down and avoid it because that provokes him.
He's not paying for everything; you are splitting the work required to raise children. Giving them full-time education is work enough for anyone, not to mention running the household.
You may need to rethink your priorities and make some compromises. You might be able to home-school with child support as your income, but for their sake getting them out of a situation where they are subjected to daily verbal abuse is also critical. Think about your future prospects of work. Are you doing anything to train or refresh qualifications so you can earn to support them?
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