Narcissistic abuse and grief
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
Narcissistic abuse and grief
I am in a very weird phase of my life right now. I was married to an alcoholic. His behavior patterns were very similar to a narcissist. My identity and self worth are destroyed and I allowed it. I feel very low on confidence. I don't feel good enough to be amongst people. I am in depression. I feel like I don't look good enough and I am not enough. I was told these things over and over for 5 years. I went from being a very chirpy confident young woman to a dependent self loathing person. I am grieving my marriage and dreams. I should've been excited about getting out of that marriage but I feel rejected even though I filed for divorce. I go to al anon. I see a therapist. I am on medication and I am very alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
Hi Raindrops,
Wish I could give you a hug right now, I have been in your shoes. Many of us here have been through what you are going through. I left my alcoholic BF (we lived together for years) on January 1, and it still hurts, though gradually it is getting a bit better.
You are doing all the right things. You left him because he was crushing your spirit. You are in Alanon for the support of a group of people. You have a therapist to help you work on your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
Do you have any female relatives or girlfriends? When I was with my controlling husband, I didn't have any girlfriends. After leaving him, I realized how great it is to have a friend. A person to call when you are down. To do fun things with, like go shopping or out for coffee. I bet if you try you can find someone at Alanon who might enjoy hanging out with you.
Keep reading here--this site has helped me so much!
Love and Hugs from Sailor
Wish I could give you a hug right now, I have been in your shoes. Many of us here have been through what you are going through. I left my alcoholic BF (we lived together for years) on January 1, and it still hurts, though gradually it is getting a bit better.
You are doing all the right things. You left him because he was crushing your spirit. You are in Alanon for the support of a group of people. You have a therapist to help you work on your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
Do you have any female relatives or girlfriends? When I was with my controlling husband, I didn't have any girlfriends. After leaving him, I realized how great it is to have a friend. A person to call when you are down. To do fun things with, like go shopping or out for coffee. I bet if you try you can find someone at Alanon who might enjoy hanging out with you.
Keep reading here--this site has helped me so much!
Love and Hugs from Sailor
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Raindrops.....no doubt, you h ave been grieving....which is necessary after suffering a major loss.....
Can you be more specific as to how we can be of help to you?
For example---what are your major challenges and fears....?
Can you be more specific as to how we can be of help to you?
For example---what are your major challenges and fears....?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
I am isolating. Myself. I recognize it but I feel like I cannot connect with people at all. Even in a group, I feel
Inadequate. I keep debating if I made the right decision or not. If I was really being abused or not. He has vanished. No calls. No contact. Like he never existed while I sit here and wonder what the hell happened.
I don't know where to start working on self worth and be happy again
Inadequate. I keep debating if I made the right decision or not. If I was really being abused or not. He has vanished. No calls. No contact. Like he never existed while I sit here and wonder what the hell happened.
I don't know where to start working on self worth and be happy again
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Raindrops....I think that human contact is so vital, whether you are depressed or grieving...or a combination of both....
Maybe, start with baby steps....like, maybe, going out for a walk each day...and, going to a coffee shop and getting a cup of coffee and just watching the other people....or..going to a park and feeding the birds and people watching.....or, going to a mall and people watching....
I am gathering from the little bit that you have shared that you have been abused.....As you know...emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse...they both leave scars......
Perhaps, an abuse support would be more appropriate for you, at this time, than alanon.. ...Nothing against alanon, and you could always go later or at the same time....but, I encourage you to call your local DV organization and ask for referral to one of their support groups.....Those people will understand better than just mere words....
Recovery does take time....and, we don't know how long yu have been seeing a therapist or taking medication .
One does have to be willing to step outside of their comfort zone...even it is baby step at a time.....
We could really use m ore information....do you live in/near a city or in a rural location....?
Have you ever been depressed in the past?.....is the "therapist" a psychiatrist who mainly checks you on your medication.....or is it someone else who has time for talking therapy? Do you work outside of the home? Did you EVER have any friends, in the past? Antidepressants take time---how long have you een taking them? I am assuming that you have no children? Pets?......
What recommendations has your therapist given you...?
Maybe, start with baby steps....like, maybe, going out for a walk each day...and, going to a coffee shop and getting a cup of coffee and just watching the other people....or..going to a park and feeding the birds and people watching.....or, going to a mall and people watching....
I am gathering from the little bit that you have shared that you have been abused.....As you know...emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse...they both leave scars......
Perhaps, an abuse support would be more appropriate for you, at this time, than alanon.. ...Nothing against alanon, and you could always go later or at the same time....but, I encourage you to call your local DV organization and ask for referral to one of their support groups.....Those people will understand better than just mere words....
Recovery does take time....and, we don't know how long yu have been seeing a therapist or taking medication .
One does have to be willing to step outside of their comfort zone...even it is baby step at a time.....
We could really use m ore information....do you live in/near a city or in a rural location....?
Have you ever been depressed in the past?.....is the "therapist" a psychiatrist who mainly checks you on your medication.....or is it someone else who has time for talking therapy? Do you work outside of the home? Did you EVER have any friends, in the past? Antidepressants take time---how long have you een taking them? I am assuming that you have no children? Pets?......
What recommendations has your therapist given you...?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I am isolating. Myself. I recognize it but I feel like I cannot connect with people at all....Like he never existed while I sit here and wonder what the hell happened.
I don't know where to start working on self worth and be happy again
I was the same when I split with exah. I spent hour upon hour sat in bed with my dog. I hardly left the house cos I felt like I had been emotionally battered with a shovel. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought what was so horrible about me that even he.....an abusive alcoholic didn't want me? It took me a while to unravel my thinking. It was hard work. I too wondered if it had all been in my mind cos once he had gone that was it. It was like a bad dream.
I started forcing myself to go out. I had a dog so I had to take him out. First for walks by myself and then to a coffee shop. I went to the same one everyday and got chatting with people...it was gradual. I started to see I wasn't a horrible person, or not good enough. Going out improved my mood. I resumed hobbies and started volunteering. Some things I got wrong. I've pulled back on the volunteering cos I got used but many things worked out. Am 4 years post divorce now and life is good. Am still single but might not be for much longer but I have choices now. I would never be with anyone again just for the sake of it. You will get through it. It's just small steps and being kind to yourself and working on stuff as you can and all of a sudden you realise that you have progressed.
I don't know where to start working on self worth and be happy again
I was the same when I split with exah. I spent hour upon hour sat in bed with my dog. I hardly left the house cos I felt like I had been emotionally battered with a shovel. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought what was so horrible about me that even he.....an abusive alcoholic didn't want me? It took me a while to unravel my thinking. It was hard work. I too wondered if it had all been in my mind cos once he had gone that was it. It was like a bad dream.
I started forcing myself to go out. I had a dog so I had to take him out. First for walks by myself and then to a coffee shop. I went to the same one everyday and got chatting with people...it was gradual. I started to see I wasn't a horrible person, or not good enough. Going out improved my mood. I resumed hobbies and started volunteering. Some things I got wrong. I've pulled back on the volunteering cos I got used but many things worked out. Am 4 years post divorce now and life is good. Am still single but might not be for much longer but I have choices now. I would never be with anyone again just for the sake of it. You will get through it. It's just small steps and being kind to yourself and working on stuff as you can and all of a sudden you realise that you have progressed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Raindrops I have been exactly where you are. I was married to my AH/narc for 22 years, been separated for over a year now. I had more emotions this last year than I have in my entire life. I have a couple of best girlfriends but one in particular that when I am isolating and feeling sad I call and ask if I can come over for a hug. She drops everything and always says yes. That has helped a ton. My therapist also encouraged me to say yes to pretty much everything social. I am not a social person at all! So I have and I have found myself enjoying things I never thought I would. I dreaded going to these events but you know what it was good for me. When I needed to honor my sadness and rest from being social I did that as well. I took a full 2 weeks during a particular hard month and honored my sadness. I took hot baths, stayed in my pjs, and ate a lot of pie. But I put a time limit on it. I honored my sadness for 2 weeks straight no guilt at all and that was wonderful as well. You have to know your own slippery slope and it sounds like you do. So if you are feeling like the isolating is making you sad then do something not to isolate. It doesn't even have to be with people it could be as simple as going to a bookstore or seeing a movie at the theater alone. Just being around people's energy is helpful even if they are all strangers. I feel like I had 22 years of this life I can take a good year to process, grieve, grow etc. Much love coming your way. PS I haven't regretted one thing I've said yes to even though it was very uncomfortable in the beginning.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
RD,
Look at you my friend, you have acknowledged to many people on this forum that you:
don't feel good enough to be amongst people.
I am in depression.
I feel like I don't look good enough
I am not enough.
dependent self loathing person.
I am grieving my marriage and dreams.
I feel rejected even though I filed for divorce.
Hon, do you know that 6 months or a year ago you couldn't even recognize these symptoms. You are putting a name to these feelings, you are owning how you feel. Before, us codies, "feel" for our addicts and our feelings are "nothing". This is a break through that you want change. It takes time. When I was at my lows of lows, I attended 2 open AA and 2 alanon meetings a week plus SR every night. I was a lot worse off then you.
You need to cut yourself from slack and go "wow" he really did a doozy on me. You need to find some pitty and some sympathy for that person. What would you say to another poster if they posted that. You would say that you are a decent, loving, caring person who has been through the wringer. You would say take some deep breaths, regroup and give yourself some affirmation of something positive you did that day. If its from letting a car pull out in front of you, holding a door for someone, or just giving someone a compliment. Baby steps. I will be the first to tell you that this feeling doesn't go away when the addict is out of your life. We are as sick as the addict. We need to heal also. Give yourself some time, own what has happened to you, and slowly the smile will return, the confidence, will return, the self respect will return. It happened to me, but it wasn't over night!!
Hugs my friend, you are a beautiful person and a child of God. You are worthy of love and respect. Take your time and do this slowly, so we learn from our mistakes, and to never get in this situation again!!!
Look at you my friend, you have acknowledged to many people on this forum that you:
don't feel good enough to be amongst people.
I am in depression.
I feel like I don't look good enough
I am not enough.
dependent self loathing person.
I am grieving my marriage and dreams.
I feel rejected even though I filed for divorce.
Hon, do you know that 6 months or a year ago you couldn't even recognize these symptoms. You are putting a name to these feelings, you are owning how you feel. Before, us codies, "feel" for our addicts and our feelings are "nothing". This is a break through that you want change. It takes time. When I was at my lows of lows, I attended 2 open AA and 2 alanon meetings a week plus SR every night. I was a lot worse off then you.
You need to cut yourself from slack and go "wow" he really did a doozy on me. You need to find some pitty and some sympathy for that person. What would you say to another poster if they posted that. You would say that you are a decent, loving, caring person who has been through the wringer. You would say take some deep breaths, regroup and give yourself some affirmation of something positive you did that day. If its from letting a car pull out in front of you, holding a door for someone, or just giving someone a compliment. Baby steps. I will be the first to tell you that this feeling doesn't go away when the addict is out of your life. We are as sick as the addict. We need to heal also. Give yourself some time, own what has happened to you, and slowly the smile will return, the confidence, will return, the self respect will return. It happened to me, but it wasn't over night!!
Hugs my friend, you are a beautiful person and a child of God. You are worthy of love and respect. Take your time and do this slowly, so we learn from our mistakes, and to never get in this situation again!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Raindrops 
I am in a very weird phase of my life right now. I was married to an alcoholic. His behavior patterns were very similar to a narcissist. My identity and self worth are destroyed and I allowed it. I feel very low on confidence. I don't feel good enough to be amongst people. I am in depression. I feel like I don't look good enough and I am not enough. I was told these things over and over for 5 years. I went from being a very chirpy confident young woman to a dependent self loathing person. I am grieving my marriage and dreams. I should've been excited about getting out of that marriage but I feel rejected even though I filed for divorce. I go to al anon. I see a therapist. I am on medication and I am very alone.
It is good you are in Al Anon, are you reading all you can about recovery? What support network have you for yourself. You can recover, it will take time but it is not impossible. Keep on at it one day at a time, you will look back on this time and see how far you have come. Divorce is one of the most traumatic things a person can go through but you have a double whammy as you have been with an A. so go softly on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 30
I recently got divorced as well after 7 years...
The relief comes and goes, the sadness and anger are always around, its all still fresh after all...
please don't over analyze or criticize yourself,, you did something some spouses can never be courageous enough to do.. you should be proud..
its not your fault you feel this way,, its `HIS ! you said it yourself, you used to be a fun chirpy lady,,,, he took it away... now its your turn to bring it back... keep yourself busy during the day (attend everything you're invited to, whether you want to or not) , be kind to yourself, pamper yourself if you can afford to, and read this thread when you start having doubts at night (trust me it will reassure you that you made the right choice)
The relief comes and goes, the sadness and anger are always around, its all still fresh after all...
please don't over analyze or criticize yourself,, you did something some spouses can never be courageous enough to do.. you should be proud..
its not your fault you feel this way,, its `HIS ! you said it yourself, you used to be a fun chirpy lady,,,, he took it away... now its your turn to bring it back... keep yourself busy during the day (attend everything you're invited to, whether you want to or not) , be kind to yourself, pamper yourself if you can afford to, and read this thread when you start having doubts at night (trust me it will reassure you that you made the right choice)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending ((((hugs)))), Raindrops. I'm glad you're reaching out for support. I know it's so very hard to do. I dealt with similar issues after leaving AXH (who was abusive). I was told, round-about and occasionally straight out, depending on his mood, that I was stupid, helpless and hopeless. That I was so very lucky he loved me. Even after I left him I'd hear that....
Recognizing that the voice that tells you you're not pretty enough or not _____ enough isn't yours and what it says _isn't true_ can be really hard to do. And they're not true, Raindrops. Maia1234 makes such a good point. Look at how far you've come. Recognizing who you "used" to be and that you no longer feel that way is a HUGE step. Just a few months ago, you probably wouldn't have been able to see that you no longer feel like you. (BTW, you're still that chirpy confident girl, that voice is just overwhelming her right now.)
And I remember that didn't help me feel any better when I was stuck in it. Take the time you you need to heal and be gentle with yourself. You are awe inspiring.
Recognizing that the voice that tells you you're not pretty enough or not _____ enough isn't yours and what it says _isn't true_ can be really hard to do. And they're not true, Raindrops. Maia1234 makes such a good point. Look at how far you've come. Recognizing who you "used" to be and that you no longer feel that way is a HUGE step. Just a few months ago, you probably wouldn't have been able to see that you no longer feel like you. (BTW, you're still that chirpy confident girl, that voice is just overwhelming her right now.)
And I remember that didn't help me feel any better when I was stuck in it. Take the time you you need to heal and be gentle with yourself. You are awe inspiring.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 44
Raindrops, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you're not alone. I'm sad, so very sad, it's overwhelming and scary. But, as others here have suggested, you've come a long way from last year at this time, or last month. You can acknowledge those feelings and come here to share with us. We are here for you. I'm new to my own recovery, so I don't have anything earth shattering to share, but I know that this forum has been a life line for me since I found it a few months ago. Keep coming back, keep doing things for yourself, go for a walk, call a friend or eat ice cream in your PJ's, basically anything that will make you happy. And, know that you are worth it, you have value, your life matters. This too shall pass! One day at a time, one minute or second at a time!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Hi Raindrops, I am on the same boat as you, you are not alone. I understand completely. I filed for divorce from my soon to be XAH last year. Our divorce is finally moving forward after he delayed it. But I feel broken inside. I try to keep myself busy by working out and reading in my space time. It's very hard. I pray and try to see all the positives in our nightmare of a marriage ending but it is depressing. We have children together so it makes moving forward harder and my worry and anxiety is still present. I hope that you are able to find peace in your decision because you deserve peace.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Raindrops,
Take good care of you. (((hugs)))
This thread is from quite a while back, yet the healing process is not linear. As our lives get progressively better, sometimes there's a reason for needing a slow-down period of time.
Thinking of you!
Mango
Take good care of you. (((hugs)))
This thread is from quite a while back, yet the healing process is not linear. As our lives get progressively better, sometimes there's a reason for needing a slow-down period of time.
Thinking of you!
Mango
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