Separated for good
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Separated for good
Met with my ex today. She has decided to stay in the city she’s in after finishing her program. She was honest and thoughtful when she explained her decision. Not going to lie, it hurt like hell to hear those words from her. I’m glad she’s going to have a better life, it just kills me inside that it won’t be with me.
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FossilHunter…...I hear you and I know it hurts more than you can even put into words. The time will come when it won't feel this bad.....but, I have been through this kind of pain and my heart goes out to you.
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Yes, it is horribly hurtful and I'm sorry that happened.
It will take a little while for you to work through some of those feelings, I know.
As you start to reflect, be sure you don't only reflect on the "good" times. There is a reason she went to rehab and I'm going to guess, though you haven't stated, that alcohol in general had a very negative impact on your relationship.
It will take a little while for you to work through some of those feelings, I know.
As you start to reflect, be sure you don't only reflect on the "good" times. There is a reason she went to rehab and I'm going to guess, though you haven't stated, that alcohol in general had a very negative impact on your relationship.
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Originally Posted by FossilHunter 
I’m glad she’s going to have a better life, it just kills me inside that it won’t be with me.
I've been caught in that trap myself--in fact, once my XAH said to me "well, but what if I get help and then find out I don't like it here w/you?" Knowing that I had a lot of issues around feeling abandoned, that was one of the lowest blows (and one of the most effective tools to make sure I didn't disturb the status quo) that he could possibly have used.
So while I share your hope that your X finds recovery and healing and goes on to have a productive, joyful life, I'm also going to say that you shouldn't assume that this is in any way assured. She went through a rehab stay and should have sufficient tools and resources to turn her life around. However, the tools and resources are worthless unless they are used, and there is simply no way to guarantee that she will indeed use them consistently. You may be missing out on a chance at a good life w/her, and you may be missing out on another round(or rounds) of hell. There's just no way to know.
It's tough, but you'll find your way.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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FossilHunter,
I know it hurts to hear those word from your EX. You hope they go into recovery and come out realizing they have done you wrong and everything is all better. This is not always the case. Right now the best you can do for yourself and for her. Is to be happy she did get help and continues to get get help. You also need to get help yourself. Maybe Attend some AL-Anon meeting. Just get out and try not to reflect on the past. But look toward the future. Hopefully you can remain friends, But she still needs time to process everything she has learned from recover. I hope you have a good day and stay strong.
I know it hurts to hear those word from your EX. You hope they go into recovery and come out realizing they have done you wrong and everything is all better. This is not always the case. Right now the best you can do for yourself and for her. Is to be happy she did get help and continues to get get help. You also need to get help yourself. Maybe Attend some AL-Anon meeting. Just get out and try not to reflect on the past. But look toward the future. Hopefully you can remain friends, But she still needs time to process everything she has learned from recover. I hope you have a good day and stay strong.
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Thank you everyone for you support. It means a lot to hear this, kind words and wisdom.
I had help processing it with a friend for most of the night last night and with my parents this morning.
I’ve finally realized the part I have played in this result. She wanted to come back to here for months, but my actions have shown her why she couldn’t. I wasn’t there for her the way she needed me to be for a long time she was in rehab. I was still drinking. I’m now almost 50 days sober, but it’s too little too late.
I had help processing it with a friend for most of the night last night and with my parents this morning.
I’ve finally realized the part I have played in this result. She wanted to come back to here for months, but my actions have shown her why she couldn’t. I wasn’t there for her the way she needed me to be for a long time she was in rehab. I was still drinking. I’m now almost 50 days sober, but it’s too little too late.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Fossil.....that makes a lot of sense. Neither of you need the complications and stress that a relationship brings, right now. Recovery should be the first priority for both of you.....
still, I know that you miss her.....
still, I know that you miss her.....
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Location: Western US
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Ugh Fossil, so you both are kind of double winners as it it called. That is rough.
Please please double down on taking care of yourself: eat well, stay hydrated, get to meetings, exercise if you can.
As you no doubt have noticed, this kind of a thing is excruciatingly painful. Let us know how you are doing.
Please please double down on taking care of yourself: eat well, stay hydrated, get to meetings, exercise if you can.
As you no doubt have noticed, this kind of a thing is excruciatingly painful. Let us know how you are doing.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Ugh Fossil, so you both are kind of double winners as it it called. That is rough.
Please please double down on taking care of yourself: eat well, stay hydrated, get to meetings, exercise if you can.
As you no doubt have noticed, this kind of a thing is excruciatingly painful. Let us know how you are doing.
Please please double down on taking care of yourself: eat well, stay hydrated, get to meetings, exercise if you can.
As you no doubt have noticed, this kind of a thing is excruciatingly painful. Let us know how you are doing.
I’m struggling, but staying sober.
All of the reasons she told me why she isn’t coming home ring hollow. If you can be sober in place A, how can you not be sober in place B. The decision to drink is her choice. That part of her that makes that choice exists in her no matter where she is, whether at home or far away. She told me she may not stay where she is, but she is never coming home.
She has a loving, caring, and non-addicted family here. She has a decade or more of friends who do not have addictions. Part of me feels that someone, counselor or sponsor, has taken advantage of her vulnerability and suggest ability to lead her to this decision. She spent her first six months pining away and telling us how she dreamed of coming home and starting our lives again. Then suddenly with no discussion with anyone here, she is never coming home.
I’ve stopped communicating with her and she is begging me to talk to her. Part of me thinks that this is the consequence of her decision to never come home and she is going to have to live with it. You wanted to start a new life with your new recovery friends, then so be it. Your new life will not include me anymore.
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Great that you are staying sober Fossilhunter.
She has been sober for 7 months and initially decided you two needed to not be in a relationship
She wanted to remain in contact so you wouldn't drift apart
Said she might be busy but would always reply as soon as possible
Ignores your text for 2 days after laughing with you that morning
Texts to meet up
Tells you she is staying where she is and your relationship is over
Texts you begging you to speak to her
Does any of this sound like someone who is on sound emotional footing? You know getting sober is hard. It's not linear. She may not really know what she wants right now.
I can hear your resentment and I get it, but how did you leave the conversation, did you agree to stay in touch or is this just her changing her mind?
She has been sober for 7 months and initially decided you two needed to not be in a relationship
She wanted to remain in contact so you wouldn't drift apart
Said she might be busy but would always reply as soon as possible
Ignores your text for 2 days after laughing with you that morning
Texts to meet up
Tells you she is staying where she is and your relationship is over
Texts you begging you to speak to her
Does any of this sound like someone who is on sound emotional footing? You know getting sober is hard. It's not linear. She may not really know what she wants right now.
I can hear your resentment and I get it, but how did you leave the conversation, did you agree to stay in touch or is this just her changing her mind?
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Originally Posted by FossilHunter
I’m struggling, but staying sober.
All of the reasons she told me why she isn’t coming home ring hollow. If you can be sober in place A, how can you not be sober in place B. The decision to drink is her choice. That part of her that makes that choice exists in her no matter where she is, whether at home or far away. She told me she may not stay where she is, but she is never coming home.
She has a loving, caring, and non-addicted family here. She has a decade or more of friends who do not have addictions. Part of me feels that someone, counselor or sponsor, has taken advantage of her vulnerability and suggest ability to lead her to this decision. She spent her first six months pining away and telling us how she dreamed of coming home and starting our lives again. Then suddenly with no discussion with anyone here, she is never coming home.
I’ve stopped communicating with her and she is begging me to talk to her. Part of me thinks that this is the consequence of her decision to never come home and she is going to have to live with it. You wanted to start a new life with your new recovery friends, then so be it. Your new life will not include me anymore.
All of the reasons she told me why she isn’t coming home ring hollow. If you can be sober in place A, how can you not be sober in place B. The decision to drink is her choice. That part of her that makes that choice exists in her no matter where she is, whether at home or far away. She told me she may not stay where she is, but she is never coming home.
She has a loving, caring, and non-addicted family here. She has a decade or more of friends who do not have addictions. Part of me feels that someone, counselor or sponsor, has taken advantage of her vulnerability and suggest ability to lead her to this decision. She spent her first six months pining away and telling us how she dreamed of coming home and starting our lives again. Then suddenly with no discussion with anyone here, she is never coming home.
I’ve stopped communicating with her and she is begging me to talk to her. Part of me thinks that this is the consequence of her decision to never come home and she is going to have to live with it. You wanted to start a new life with your new recovery friends, then so be it. Your new life will not include me anymore.
Also hope you can figure out what works best for you as far as communication. If it is best for you to go no contact then communicate this to her as kindly and clearly as possible. For many this is the best way to go.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Good to hear you are staying sober. I hope you have something of a support system. Use it all you can.
Also hope you can figure out what works best for you as far as communication. If it is best for you to go no contact then communicate this to her as kindly and clearly as possible. For many this is the best way to go.
Also hope you can figure out what works best for you as far as communication. If it is best for you to go no contact then communicate this to her as kindly and clearly as possible. For many this is the best way to go.
She called later that morning and I accidentally answered because I had just missed a call from my parents seconds prior and thought they were calling again. I explained that I was dealing with my emotions and didn’t want to respond inappropriately to her out of what I was feeling that moment, whether anger, sadness, or fear. We ended the call shortly after.
My mind went to “this is just manipulative behavior” to see if I’m still around. I talked at length with her sister, who I’m close to. Sister thinks my ex does still love me, but is trying to put her recovery first and foremost. She is proving to herself that she is willing to do anything and give up everything to stay sober. She is worried that I may be a cause for relapse because I’m only 50 days sober. Sister says she has to leave you now while she still has the close support of the sober living folks. If she tried to leave you after SL, she would be at greater risk of relapse. She has to guard her recovery from a possible relapse by me. Sister said that is why she decided to stay in her current city, but hasn’t made any plans towards doing so. Her sister said she has to do this to make sure I work on myself and not just count the days until she comes home. That way, when it comes time to make the final decision, she’ll know you’ve put in the effort, or not, and she will have already processed the emotional turmoil of leaving you while still surrounded with a lot of support.
I thought her sister made a lot of sense, but I am a little biased.
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Originally Posted by FossilHunter
This past weekend I took some time to detach from her and deal with my emotions. She texted me throughout the day Friday. She begged me to just say something to her. Saturday morning she sent me a long text telling me she will always love me, but it’s just not in the cards right now. She’s only made it this far because I’ve been there for her and she doesn’t think she can keep going if I disappear. She then sent me a link to “our song”.
She called later that morning and I accidentally answered because I had just missed a call from my parents seconds prior and thought they were calling again. I explained that I was dealing with my emotions and didn’t want to respond inappropriately to her out of what I was feeling that moment, whether anger, sadness, or fear. We ended the call shortly after.
.
She called later that morning and I accidentally answered because I had just missed a call from my parents seconds prior and thought they were calling again. I explained that I was dealing with my emotions and didn’t want to respond inappropriately to her out of what I was feeling that moment, whether anger, sadness, or fear. We ended the call shortly after.
.
I try to avoid talking about a third person outside of the basics. Triangulating in relationships is long term not good although feels nice in the short term.
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My take on it is the same as Bekindalways about the manipulation.
I'm reading the Sister's explanation and I'm thinking my god a lot of planning and decisions and discussion went on to plan out for every possible scenario here.
Oops, did anyone bother to discuss it with YOU?
Nope.
That is manipulation pure and simple, I will do this, this will be your reaction, therefore I will get that.
good lord. Anyway, this is a very self centered world view as I see it. That's not hugely surprising coming from someone who is early in to attempting recovery. You are to be kept on the back burner while she looks after herself AND if you behave properly, you might get to have a relationship again.
Is any of that sounding attractive to you? It shouldn't.
Now, I'm not saying there is no hope here etc etc, I don't know, what I do know is that detaching from this right now is probably best for you, otherwise you are just part of the alcoholic's drama and do you need that?
I'm reading the Sister's explanation and I'm thinking my god a lot of planning and decisions and discussion went on to plan out for every possible scenario here.
Oops, did anyone bother to discuss it with YOU?
Nope.
That is manipulation pure and simple, I will do this, this will be your reaction, therefore I will get that.
She’s only made it this far because I’ve been there for her and she doesn’t think she can keep going if I disappear. She then sent me a link to “our song”.
Is any of that sounding attractive to you? It shouldn't.
Now, I'm not saying there is no hope here etc etc, I don't know, what I do know is that detaching from this right now is probably best for you, otherwise you are just part of the alcoholic's drama and do you need that?
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
I'm a bit confused here. Did you explain to her that you needed some time of no-contact? If you didn't, then she might have been confused although she does sound a bit manipulative here too.
I try to avoid talking about a third person outside of the basics. Triangulating in relationships is long term not good although feels nice in the short term.
I try to avoid talking about a third person outside of the basics. Triangulating in relationships is long term not good although feels nice in the short term.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
My take on it is the same as Bekindalways about the manipulation.
I'm reading the Sister's explanation and I'm thinking my god a lot of planning and decisions and discussion went on to plan out for every possible scenario here.
Oops, did anyone bother to discuss it with YOU?
Nope.
That is manipulation pure and simple, I will do this, this will be your reaction, therefore I will get that.
good lord. Anyway, this is a very self centered world view as I see it. That's not hugely surprising coming from someone who is early in to attempting recovery. You are to be kept on the back burner while she looks after herself AND if you behave properly, you might get to have a relationship again.
Is any of that sounding attractive to you? It shouldn't.
Now, I'm not saying there is no hope here etc etc, I don't know, what I do know is that detaching from this right now is probably best for you, otherwise you are just part of the alcoholic's drama and do you need that?
I'm reading the Sister's explanation and I'm thinking my god a lot of planning and decisions and discussion went on to plan out for every possible scenario here.
Oops, did anyone bother to discuss it with YOU?
Nope.
That is manipulation pure and simple, I will do this, this will be your reaction, therefore I will get that.
good lord. Anyway, this is a very self centered world view as I see it. That's not hugely surprising coming from someone who is early in to attempting recovery. You are to be kept on the back burner while she looks after herself AND if you behave properly, you might get to have a relationship again.
Is any of that sounding attractive to you? It shouldn't.
Now, I'm not saying there is no hope here etc etc, I don't know, what I do know is that detaching from this right now is probably best for you, otherwise you are just part of the alcoholic's drama and do you need that?
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Well that changes perspective.
She's probably not far off.
Still, it doesn't change anything for you does it? Perhaps maybe throwing out a tiny branch that you will now hold on to.
Personally? I don't think even she knows what she's up to or where she's at, just based on what she has said and shown (as you mentioned above). The behaviour is erratic for a reason.
In the meantime, focusing back on yourself and your own healing is really the only thing that you know for sure will help you.
She's probably not far off.
Still, it doesn't change anything for you does it? Perhaps maybe throwing out a tiny branch that you will now hold on to.
Personally? I don't think even she knows what she's up to or where she's at, just based on what she has said and shown (as you mentioned above). The behaviour is erratic for a reason.
In the meantime, focusing back on yourself and your own healing is really the only thing that you know for sure will help you.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Well that changes perspective.
She's probably not far off.
Still, it doesn't change anything for you does it? Perhaps maybe throwing out a tiny branch that you will now hold on to.
Personally? I don't think even she knows what she's up to or where she's at, just based on what she has said and shown (as you mentioned above). The behaviour is erratic for a reason.
In the meantime, focusing back on yourself and your own healing is really the only thing that you know for sure will help you.
She's probably not far off.
Still, it doesn't change anything for you does it? Perhaps maybe throwing out a tiny branch that you will now hold on to.
Personally? I don't think even she knows what she's up to or where she's at, just based on what she has said and shown (as you mentioned above). The behaviour is erratic for a reason.
In the meantime, focusing back on yourself and your own healing is really the only thing that you know for sure will help you.
I talked to my brother and her sister. They fully support my decision to break off contact for a while.
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Originally Posted by FossilHunter
Thank you trailmix.
I talked to my brother and her sister. They fully support my decision to break off contact for a while.
I talked to my brother and her sister. They fully support my decision to break off contact for a while.
Hang tough Fossil this is not fun times. I hope you are hitting some meetings. Both of you are in a tough position since both of you are in early recovery. There is probably no pretty way to do this.
Let us know how you get on.
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