Separated for good
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
You might let her know that you need some no - contact time. It can just be a text. If she doesn't respect this then block her. No sense having all the incoming texts and phone calls.
Hang tough Fossil this is not fun times. I hope you are hitting some meetings. Both of you are in a tough position since both of you are in early recovery. There is probably no pretty way to do this.
Let us know how you get on.
Hang tough Fossil this is not fun times. I hope you are hitting some meetings. Both of you are in a tough position since both of you are in early recovery. There is probably no pretty way to do this.
Let us know how you get on.
I tried to call her on my way to work, but got her voicemail. So, I sent her a text that I needed some time to heal and during this time she would not hear from me. She sent me a bunch of distraught texts that really tugged at my heartstrings.
She said a lot of things that I would have loved to hear a few months ago. She also made me realize that she has never truly considered that I may not be in her life. Her sobriety is threatened if I stay in her life and if I leave.
I told her that we could talk in the morning after I got off work.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Originally Posted by FossilHunter
She said a lot of things that I would have loved to hear a few months ago. She also made me realize that she has never truly considered that I may not be in her life. Her sobriety is threatened if I stay in her life and if I leave.
.
Most of us in any type of recovery have to step out of this cycle of push and pull for at least awhile. Some actually find their way back to a relationship and some don't.
From what you have described Fossil, you are both in the super tough time of early recovery. No matter what either of you do, both of you are at risk of relapse. I hope you can both focus on your own recoveries, put days of sobriety together and get to lots of meetings. More will always be revealed.
Courage and healing to you.
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Fossil...…..
Bekindalways has posted what I was thinking, about your situation.
Sobriety needs to trump everything else, for each of you. It must be the top priority. Because...if it isn't..everything that is put before the sobriety---you will, eventually, lose.
Bekindalways has posted what I was thinking, about your situation.
Sobriety needs to trump everything else, for each of you. It must be the top priority. Because...if it isn't..everything that is put before the sobriety---you will, eventually, lose.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
You left her a message that you need time to heal and that she wouldn't hear from you.
I'm 100 percent in favour of no contact if that is what you need to get clarity or just because you are tired of talking about it. You don't need a great reason at this point, the relationship is in flux, everyone needs time to think.
There is a good way to do it and a bad way, in my opinion.
There is a soft NC, where you simply state that you need to cease contact for a while, that might be after a break up for instance. If you want to stay in contact, you give the person a timeline or sorts, you just leave them hanging, wondering.
There is a hard NC where you say I don't want to be in contact with you anymore - this might be in response to an abusive relationship.
Then there is your situation where you are both dancing around the idea that there is some relationship still here or a possibility of one. In that case you are both still vulnerable to the other and have your feelings on the line. In THAT case what you are doing is kind of cruel in my estimation, no better than her leaving you hanging on the line.
Ideally you will both stop hurting each other right now?
Be honest, if you don't know what you are doing, if her behaviour is hurting your feelings, let her know. Ask her to be honest with you, talk it out, be sure to know where you both stand.
Being vague with a text of - I need time to not talk, is cruel at this point. Give a time. I need a month, I will contact you after that (if that is what you want).
Otherwise you can both keep getting really hurt and I don't think that is anyone's goal here?
I'm 100 percent in favour of no contact if that is what you need to get clarity or just because you are tired of talking about it. You don't need a great reason at this point, the relationship is in flux, everyone needs time to think.
There is a good way to do it and a bad way, in my opinion.
There is a soft NC, where you simply state that you need to cease contact for a while, that might be after a break up for instance. If you want to stay in contact, you give the person a timeline or sorts, you just leave them hanging, wondering.
There is a hard NC where you say I don't want to be in contact with you anymore - this might be in response to an abusive relationship.
Then there is your situation where you are both dancing around the idea that there is some relationship still here or a possibility of one. In that case you are both still vulnerable to the other and have your feelings on the line. In THAT case what you are doing is kind of cruel in my estimation, no better than her leaving you hanging on the line.
Ideally you will both stop hurting each other right now?
Be honest, if you don't know what you are doing, if her behaviour is hurting your feelings, let her know. Ask her to be honest with you, talk it out, be sure to know where you both stand.
Being vague with a text of - I need time to not talk, is cruel at this point. Give a time. I need a month, I will contact you after that (if that is what you want).
Otherwise you can both keep getting really hurt and I don't think that is anyone's goal here?
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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The quicker I 'ripped off the band-aid', the quicker I got to getting myself better. The "she'll relapse with/without you" is not true recovery. That shouldn't matter and seems to ME like you are both grasping at straws. This is just my opinion/experience. I needed time to get my head around sobriety.. in that time frame I realized my relationship was poison for me and my recovery. I ended it. I deleted/blocked her and her family. 3yrs later I, sort of opened up some communication,but she's still doing the same thing and I'm still living my life for me.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 34
Update:
She drove to my house with only an hour and half warning and without asking. She just told me she wanted to see the animals. I was working that night and had to sleep. I was still awake when she came in and she saw that I was awake. She ignored me the whole time and then left without a word. She also brought some random girl with her from her SL place.
I texted her the next morning that it was hugely inappropriate for her to come over like that and rude to just walk around my house without talking to me. Her reply made me out to be the bad person as she just wanted cheer herself up by playing with our dogs. She then texted me that now she knows she isn’t welcome home anymore.
I asked her to return her house key and garage door opener tomorrow.
She drove to my house with only an hour and half warning and without asking. She just told me she wanted to see the animals. I was working that night and had to sleep. I was still awake when she came in and she saw that I was awake. She ignored me the whole time and then left without a word. She also brought some random girl with her from her SL place.
I texted her the next morning that it was hugely inappropriate for her to come over like that and rude to just walk around my house without talking to me. Her reply made me out to be the bad person as she just wanted cheer herself up by playing with our dogs. She then texted me that now she knows she isn’t welcome home anymore.
I asked her to return her house key and garage door opener tomorrow.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
She let you know an hour and a half before that she was coming over but just said "i'm on my way over" i'm guessing?
You could have said no at that point?
I'm missing something here obviously. I don't get it to be honest. On the one hand you want a relationship with her. She has stated she wants to stay in the area where she is in SL, after treatment. She's made a lot of confusing statements.
Her moving is basically a break up of this relationship. Then she is panicking and insists on staying in contact with you as you are her main support etc.
You tell her you need some time with NC to think things through but you allowed her to come over tonight, then reprimanded her for it.
Anyway, I'm sure you don't need this right now, much better to focus on your own healing and taking care of yourself. Do you have any support out there? AA and/or Al-Anon? Therapy?
You could have said no at that point?
I'm missing something here obviously. I don't get it to be honest. On the one hand you want a relationship with her. She has stated she wants to stay in the area where she is in SL, after treatment. She's made a lot of confusing statements.
Her moving is basically a break up of this relationship. Then she is panicking and insists on staying in contact with you as you are her main support etc.
You tell her you need some time with NC to think things through but you allowed her to come over tonight, then reprimanded her for it.
Anyway, I'm sure you don't need this right now, much better to focus on your own healing and taking care of yourself. Do you have any support out there? AA and/or Al-Anon? Therapy?
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