Sleepyhollo

It will only get worse, his drinking will progress, no one knows over what period of time but we all know for sure that it will unless he decides he wants to quit. What will you do if he loses his job? You will have no choice but to find work and put your kids in school and likely on a very short notice and under “duress”. Your 12 y/o is starting to defend you.....that is not his job. Staying around an alcoholic will affect kids even if it doesn’t seem like it because they are acting “fine”. Is it really worth it in the long run? I continued to work after I had my kid, only 12 hours a week, just enough to keep up my skills and put money towards my retirement. I never would’ve thought I would get divorced but I also felt like it would’ve been a waste to stop working completely as with my job it would not have been easy to pick up after several years. I am now really glad I did because his drinking got worse and worse and it really damaged our relationship. He was also a nice guy but his drinking ruined our relationship for me (him not really because he wasn’t present enough to be really part of the relationship...) and once he got sober it was too late for me to recover. I am not telling you that you need to leave him but I guess I am just saying that I would have a plan in place for once things really go to pot, because chances are very good that they will sooner or later. Are there any charter schools that might be acceptable (we have crappy public schools where I live so I get why you might want to avoid public school)? Again, not that you need to change it now but just so you know your options in case you no longer have a choice. Sometimes we need to make decisions that may not be what we really want but what is best for the kids or yourself in the long run. Staying in a relationship that is unhealthy will likely do more damage in the long run than not homeschooling kids. And only you can decide which it is obviously.
Also, a guy that truly supports the decision for his wife to stay home will not throw it in her face that makes makes all the money, that is not the definition of a nice guy. If you worked you would make money but you also would have to pay for childcare and you wouldn’t be able to joe school your kids which from the sounds of it is a decision he supports. My ex let me stay home and never made me feel like I owed him someone and that everything was his. Once we were in marriage counseling after his rehab he did makes some comments however although I do believe it was just because he was bitter that I wasn’t coming around as far as our couple was concerned. He makes a very good living and yet it was me most of the time that paid attention to the cost of things because I felt like just because we had the money doesn’t mean we should just spend it without thinking. So I was far from being a good digger.
And I also know that the financial comfort kept me around longer than I should’ve along with not wanting to rock the boat and hurts peoples feelings.
Also, you may think you are protecting your kids but you really aren’t. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for and even the younger kids more than likely know something it’s not right although they may not understand what (and sometimes that is more harmful than knowing the truth because they will make up their own truth). Also they will fall into that codependent behavior where they will tiptoe around their dad as to not upset him. I know my kid did that already and she was 6 when he went to rehab, so it starts early even though you may not be aware of it. And still to this day, 3 years later, she still tends to please him a lot more than me and I’m trying to break that habit (because she tends to be a pleaser like her parents). She really didn’t have much of a relationship with him until we got divorced, I mean she liked him, but he rarely did anything with her because he was either at work or drunk.
I have learned a lot since he went to rehab and I wish I had learned a lot of that much sooner. I would recommend that you really educate yourself on alcoholism. I thought I knew a lot about it but realized I really did not and I’m in medicine. Keep reading here and learn from others and their experiences because we have all been there and done that. You don’t need to make any drastic decisions right now or even a year from now but it would probable help if you knew the natural progression of alcoholism and how it is very unhealthy for kids to grow up in that environment (and it isn’t good for you either) and know what you are in for if things progress. Then you can and also start thinking about what needs to be done if things really go south. You need to protect you and the kids, not your alcoholic husband. You can’t make him quit or control his drinking. And he will start drinking more and so the time that he supposedly is a nice guy will get less and less and it will do a number on your mental health.

Sasha1972

Home schooling vs public school - when you throw a mean-and-getting-meaner alcoholic into the mix, maybe the calculation shifts a little bit? Every adult-child-of-alcoholic I've ever met has wished that they didn't grow up with a drinking parent. Maybe public school is the price you have to pay for getting your kids into a better environment, where you're not dependent on their father?

I don't know what the right answer is - there is probably no "best" choice, only "least-worst" choices.

hopeful4

This!
I have two children. One went to public school, the other to private school. That being said, they both are thriving and doing so well! What hurt them the most was me staying with their father and having toxic fights over all of the same stuff you are experiencing. It will escalate. Have a plan.

dawnrising

I could have written this with exception of the comments about not working. There is a quote "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" He has shown you repeatedly
1) he has no desire to quit for you, your children or himself
2) he does not respect or appreciate your contribution to the family
3) he is a bully
All of these only get worse as time goes on. Children see things you may not even be aware of, they feel the animosity and stress. One of my children (who is in college btw) told me that they saw text messages way back when child was 13 that AH was meeting a woman in a hotel bar, the message was clearly "romantic and inappropriate" in child's opinion. I learned of this last year during the divorce proceedings. My child said that they had been carrying this guilt for years of knowing and not saying anything or not doing anything. AH has forever changed who this child is based on AH's dysfunction, and this is just one of many, many examples. Among many other incidents of AH not valuing me in front of our children even when being specifically asked to stop by both myself and our children. I cannot believe anyone would knowingly expose their own children to such dysfunction but that is exactly what happened and continues to happen to this day. Believe me when I say if he is drinking it will get worse. This is a progressive disease he is simply in a stage, he will not remain "functional" forever and WHEN that falls apart you and your children will be exposed to this dysfunction 24-7. Please make plans now so you don't become "stuck". There is no harm in having a plan in place.