Today's Hope - Oct. 28, 2019
Life is good
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Life is good
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Daily Reflection
Let's Make a Deal
The relationship just wasn't working out, and I wanted it to so badly. I kept thinking if I just made myself look prettier, if I just tried to be a more loving, kind person, then he would love me. I turned myself inside out to be something better, when all along, who I was was okay. I just couldn't see what I was doing, though, until I moved forward and accepted reality. —Anonymous
One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In barraging, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't.
We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.
Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we've achieved acceptance.
"If I try to be a better person, then this won't happen...If I look prettier, keep a cleaner house, lose weight, smile more, let go, hang on more tightly, close my eyes and count to ten, holler, then I won't have to face this loss, this change."
There are stories from members of Al Anon about attempts to bargain with the alcoholic's drinking: "If I keep the house cleaner, he won't drink.... If I make her happy by buying her a new dress, she won't drink... If I buy my son a new car, he'll stop using drugs."
Adult children have bargained with their losses too: "Maybe if I'm the perfect child, then Mom or Dad will love and approve of me, stop drinking, and be there for me the way I want them to be." We do big, small, and in between things, sometimes-crazy things, to ward off, stop, or stall the pain involved with accepting reality.
There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
Today, I will give others and myself the freedom to fully grieve losses. I will hold myself accountable, but I will give myself permission to be human.
Let's Make a Deal
The relationship just wasn't working out, and I wanted it to so badly. I kept thinking if I just made myself look prettier, if I just tried to be a more loving, kind person, then he would love me. I turned myself inside out to be something better, when all along, who I was was okay. I just couldn't see what I was doing, though, until I moved forward and accepted reality. —Anonymous
One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In barraging, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't.
We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.
Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we've achieved acceptance.
"If I try to be a better person, then this won't happen...If I look prettier, keep a cleaner house, lose weight, smile more, let go, hang on more tightly, close my eyes and count to ten, holler, then I won't have to face this loss, this change."
There are stories from members of Al Anon about attempts to bargain with the alcoholic's drinking: "If I keep the house cleaner, he won't drink.... If I make her happy by buying her a new dress, she won't drink... If I buy my son a new car, he'll stop using drugs."
Adult children have bargained with their losses too: "Maybe if I'm the perfect child, then Mom or Dad will love and approve of me, stop drinking, and be there for me the way I want them to be." We do big, small, and in between things, sometimes-crazy things, to ward off, stop, or stall the pain involved with accepting reality.
There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
Today, I will give others and myself the freedom to fully grieve losses. I will hold myself accountable, but I will give myself permission to be human.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Nice post...
And this morning I was scrambling to get a minute to read something to Make me feel better. Two lines resonated with me:
1. if I just tried to be a more loving, kind person, then she would love me. I turned myself inside out to be something better, when all along, who I was was okay.
- I went to a meeting yesterday with my wife and a social worker who is helping her to get access to inpatient programs. After the meeting I sat with her and said, do you want me to take you to detox, right now. She nooded her head, and I took her to the local hospital and they admitted her...again. I sat with her during the intake process and sat in amazement of how the disease destroyed us. And somehow I feel not enough...but I am telling myself I am enough and can even sharpen who I am.
and
2. There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
- Kind of like the first line...but somehow I think if I put myself out there for her, she will see I care and love her...without a doubt I have been stuck in grief and pain.
Great post, Mango
And this morning I was scrambling to get a minute to read something to Make me feel better. Two lines resonated with me:
1. if I just tried to be a more loving, kind person, then she would love me. I turned myself inside out to be something better, when all along, who I was was okay.
- I went to a meeting yesterday with my wife and a social worker who is helping her to get access to inpatient programs. After the meeting I sat with her and said, do you want me to take you to detox, right now. She nooded her head, and I took her to the local hospital and they admitted her...again. I sat with her during the intake process and sat in amazement of how the disease destroyed us. And somehow I feel not enough...but I am telling myself I am enough and can even sharpen who I am.
and
2. There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
- Kind of like the first line...but somehow I think if I put myself out there for her, she will see I care and love her...without a doubt I have been stuck in grief and pain.
Great post, Mango
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Ditto what Woodland said. I turned myself inside out and upside down trying to fix this, to be the best support/fiance/whatever for him. Of course it didn't work, but it's so hard to turn off the belief that there is something I could have done or said.
I'm an ACOA and I see my own patterns repeating. Struggling to be absolutely perfect and to never rock the boat so the alcoholic doesn't drink or get mad or push me away. Thanks, Mango!
I'm an ACOA and I see my own patterns repeating. Struggling to be absolutely perfect and to never rock the boat so the alcoholic doesn't drink or get mad or push me away. Thanks, Mango!
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