Can anyone give me some advice?
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Originally Posted by velma929 
Leading someone to believe he was ready for a romance...
"he thinks we’re meant to be together"..."I don’t live near him anymore and traveled quite a distance to stay with him."
...and after YOU travel to be with him, he suddenly says, "I have my sobriety to work on," he owes you an apology. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it, but...yeah. He should have never agreed to have you travel to see him without clarifying you two were on the same page.
I would guess he's lonely. I understand feeling that way. Sometimes I do, too. But it's important to be clear about what one is seeking, so the other person can say yes he or she wants the same thing, or no, but this is what I have to offer.
"he thinks we’re meant to be together"..."I don’t live near him anymore and traveled quite a distance to stay with him."
...and after YOU travel to be with him, he suddenly says, "I have my sobriety to work on," he owes you an apology. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it, but...yeah. He should have never agreed to have you travel to see him without clarifying you two were on the same page.
I would guess he's lonely. I understand feeling that way. Sometimes I do, too. But it's important to be clear about what one is seeking, so the other person can say yes he or she wants the same thing, or no, but this is what I have to offer.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Krystaim…...I imagine that he feels an attraction for you and that he felt comfortable in sharing with you and talking to you over the internet.....and, I will bet that he felt that telling you the reality of his alcoholism might "scare" you away......and, he might realize that he has not, thus far, had a good relationship history.....
With all these possibilities, and knowing that his sobriety would be at risk by entering a relationship commitment.....I can imagine that his back was, with your physical arrival, have his "back against the wall".....and, had no other honorable choice but to "come completely clean"...…
I really do understand your disappointment....it seems natural, to me, that you would be....
Personally, thinking back to my own single woman and dating life....there were some really nice, good and attractive guys that I (we) enjoyed being with--and I DID have all of the good romantic connection, with.....except,,,,except with a capital E....there would be one major factor...either with my life or his...that it didn't work out for us...so, we, mutually abandoned the romantic relationship...... In fact, sometimes, it was just a timing thing...like, we were in different "stages" in our lives....or, a myriad of different factors...
Such is life....Relationships, in the dating world, are not risk free. Everyone that we are attracted to will not work out....and, it can sting when it doesn't.
Perhaps, it does work out for some who married the first person that they ever dated......but, there are pleanty of them that it didn't work out for, either....
With all these possibilities, and knowing that his sobriety would be at risk by entering a relationship commitment.....I can imagine that his back was, with your physical arrival, have his "back against the wall".....and, had no other honorable choice but to "come completely clean"...…
I really do understand your disappointment....it seems natural, to me, that you would be....
Personally, thinking back to my own single woman and dating life....there were some really nice, good and attractive guys that I (we) enjoyed being with--and I DID have all of the good romantic connection, with.....except,,,,except with a capital E....there would be one major factor...either with my life or his...that it didn't work out for us...so, we, mutually abandoned the romantic relationship...... In fact, sometimes, it was just a timing thing...like, we were in different "stages" in our lives....or, a myriad of different factors...
Such is life....Relationships, in the dating world, are not risk free. Everyone that we are attracted to will not work out....and, it can sting when it doesn't.
Perhaps, it does work out for some who married the first person that they ever dated......but, there are pleanty of them that it didn't work out for, either....
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Originally Posted by Zevin
This sounds very disappointing for you Krystal and I'm truly sorry.
Give him LOTS of space and time and you can maybe re-visit the idea of a relationship in several months.
Give him LOTS of space and time and you can maybe re-visit the idea of a relationship in several months.
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Originally Posted by krystalm3
We reconnected, made plans, and about after 3 months, I traveled to see him.
I mean, face to face is always ideal, but I don't live around the corner anymore...
I mean, face to face is always ideal, but I don't live around the corner anymore...
You mention you won't ever get an apology. Why is that?
Do you think this is a good relationship for you? You have spoken a bit about what he has done, what about you? Is this good enough for you? You mention that you two are close and that he has said you are his best friend. You would think he would have SOME idea of how this all made you feel?
I'm glad you are going to take some time and space. Not for him, for you. Recovery is a long process in many cases and there are ups and downs as people heal from this. Sometimes there are setbacks before they start working on it again. I hope you don't put anything on hold for him.
Focusing back on yourself and your life and what you want might be really freeing for you.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Exactly. But maybe to his mind it seemed reasonable.
You mention you won't ever get an apology. Why is that?
Do you think this is a good relationship for you? You have spoken a bit about what he has done, what about you? Is this good enough for you? You mention that you two are close and that he has said you are his best friend. You would think he would have SOME idea of how this all made you feel?
I'm glad you are going to take some time and space. Not for him, for you. Recovery is a long process in many cases and there are ups and downs as people heal from this. Sometimes there are setbacks before they start working on it again. I hope you don't put anything on hold for him.
Focusing back on yourself and your life and what you want might be really freeing for you.
You mention you won't ever get an apology. Why is that?
Do you think this is a good relationship for you? You have spoken a bit about what he has done, what about you? Is this good enough for you? You mention that you two are close and that he has said you are his best friend. You would think he would have SOME idea of how this all made you feel?
I'm glad you are going to take some time and space. Not for him, for you. Recovery is a long process in many cases and there are ups and downs as people heal from this. Sometimes there are setbacks before they start working on it again. I hope you don't put anything on hold for him.
Focusing back on yourself and your life and what you want might be really freeing for you.
And I feel that maybe I'm being selfish in wanting an apology considering what he's been through. I feel maybe I should be more empathetic to his situation? I don't know, cause I've never had to deal with this before.
I still want to be his friend, but I definitely will not be putting anything on hold for him.
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Well, since you asked, absolutely he should have apologized! When you two were getting "closer" and he decides to tell you about his recovery from alcoholism, in my opinion THAT would have been the time to apologize.
How about, I'm sorry, I know this relationship has been kind of going in that direction and I really wish I had told you sooner about my recovery but to be honest I don't know where i'm at and etc etc
An apology and an explanation and the fact that you didn't get either of those things is really not good enough!
If he's just your friend in recovery - well, you can let it slide I guess if you are happy to do that, people in active addiction and early recovery are rather self centered. In the latter case they have to be, doesn't mean they get a pass on civil/polite behaviour.
You absolutely deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
How about, I'm sorry, I know this relationship has been kind of going in that direction and I really wish I had told you sooner about my recovery but to be honest I don't know where i'm at and etc etc
An apology and an explanation and the fact that you didn't get either of those things is really not good enough!
If he's just your friend in recovery - well, you can let it slide I guess if you are happy to do that, people in active addiction and early recovery are rather self centered. In the latter case they have to be, doesn't mean they get a pass on civil/polite behaviour.
You absolutely deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
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krystalm, just wanted to mention two things I've learned.
First, I've learned that sometimes when someone says I'm their best friend, it means the same thing I'd mean if I said it to someone else--we share deeply, we support each other strongly, we care enough to be honest even if it might hurt at the time, there is a resilience and a depth to the relationship that is really outstanding. BUT--sometimes it means "I know you'll be there regardless of how poorly I treat you and how little I consider your needs. You're more like my best resource rather than my best friend, b/c I give back only when it suits me, not necessarily when you need it."
I know that for me, it was simply so powerful to feel that someone valued me--I was his best friend!--that it overrode all those other considerations. Yes, we all have times where we are simply unable to give, we are an empty pitcher w/nothing to pour out, but in a true friendship, the roles are fluid, not always one giving and one taking. This may or may not be the situation for you, but it's worth thinking about.
The second thing is some words of wisdom I heard first here: "Never make someone a priority who has only made you an option." True and useful words, and if you get half the mileage out of them that I've gotten, they will have served you well.
Wishing you clarity and strength.
First, I've learned that sometimes when someone says I'm their best friend, it means the same thing I'd mean if I said it to someone else--we share deeply, we support each other strongly, we care enough to be honest even if it might hurt at the time, there is a resilience and a depth to the relationship that is really outstanding. BUT--sometimes it means "I know you'll be there regardless of how poorly I treat you and how little I consider your needs. You're more like my best resource rather than my best friend, b/c I give back only when it suits me, not necessarily when you need it."
I know that for me, it was simply so powerful to feel that someone valued me--I was his best friend!--that it overrode all those other considerations. Yes, we all have times where we are simply unable to give, we are an empty pitcher w/nothing to pour out, but in a true friendship, the roles are fluid, not always one giving and one taking. This may or may not be the situation for you, but it's worth thinking about.
The second thing is some words of wisdom I heard first here: "Never make someone a priority who has only made you an option." True and useful words, and if you get half the mileage out of them that I've gotten, they will have served you well.
Wishing you clarity and strength.
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Kry…….I really identify with what honeypig's share.
A general concept that I think could use some consideration...for any romantic relationship that is conceived over the internet, should be taken with lots of reservation. Because---an internet relationship is vastly different than one that is played out in real, face to face, life.
I can think of some people that I know, who, did such a thing.....got to know a person, over the internet ((and, with supplemental phone calls). They felt th at they had "fallen in love" with the person...and, as a result, the person moved to live together. The excitement and happiness and expectations were sky-high. Then, after the move, the relationship fell into absolute disaster, in a short time. For one particular woman, the same thing happened two times in a row!
A general concept that I think could use some consideration...for any romantic relationship that is conceived over the internet, should be taken with lots of reservation. Because---an internet relationship is vastly different than one that is played out in real, face to face, life.
I can think of some people that I know, who, did such a thing.....got to know a person, over the internet ((and, with supplemental phone calls). They felt th at they had "fallen in love" with the person...and, as a result, the person moved to live together. The excitement and happiness and expectations were sky-high. Then, after the move, the relationship fell into absolute disaster, in a short time. For one particular woman, the same thing happened two times in a row!
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Originally Posted by krystalm3
What you said makes sense 100%, thank you. I can understand that he may have felt that I would be scared away, but I wasn’t and am still not. He did admit that his relationship history has not been the bestand again I wasn’t put off by that either. I know he has to heal and I will respect that.
Obviously if he’s in early recovery, that’s a factor too. But he knew this already and kept it from you, and now it sounds like he’s using it as some kind of smoke and mirrors to excuse his crappy behavior. At any rate, it sounds like you have a good chunk of info now on how he is, which will hopefully help you in making your decision on what to do from here on out.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Well, since you asked, absolutely he should have apologized! When you two were getting "closer" and he decides to tell you about his recovery from alcoholism, in my opinion THAT would have been the time to apologize.
How about, I'm sorry, I know this relationship has been kind of going in that direction and I really wish I had told you sooner about my recovery but to be honest I don't know where i'm at and etc etc
An apology and an explanation and the fact that you didn't get either of those things is really not good enough!
If he's just your friend in recovery - well, you can let it slide I guess if you are happy to do that, people in active addiction and early recovery are rather self centered. In the latter case they have to be, doesn't mean they get a pass on civil/polite behaviour.
You absolutely deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
How about, I'm sorry, I know this relationship has been kind of going in that direction and I really wish I had told you sooner about my recovery but to be honest I don't know where i'm at and etc etc
An apology and an explanation and the fact that you didn't get either of those things is really not good enough!
If he's just your friend in recovery - well, you can let it slide I guess if you are happy to do that, people in active addiction and early recovery are rather self centered. In the latter case they have to be, doesn't mean they get a pass on civil/polite behaviour.
You absolutely deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Kry…….I really identify with what honeypig's share.
A general concept that I think could use some consideration...for any romantic relationship that is conceived over the internet, should be taken with lots of reservation. Because---an internet relationship is vastly different than one that is played out in real, face to face, life.
I can think of some people that I know, who, did such a thing.....got to know a person, over the internet ((and, with supplemental phone calls). They felt th at they had "fallen in love" with the person...and, as a result, the person moved to live together. The excitement and happiness and expectations were sky-high. Then, after the move, the relationship fell into absolute disaster, in a short time. For one particular woman, the same thing happened two times in a row!
A general concept that I think could use some consideration...for any romantic relationship that is conceived over the internet, should be taken with lots of reservation. Because---an internet relationship is vastly different than one that is played out in real, face to face, life.
I can think of some people that I know, who, did such a thing.....got to know a person, over the internet ((and, with supplemental phone calls). They felt th at they had "fallen in love" with the person...and, as a result, the person moved to live together. The excitement and happiness and expectations were sky-high. Then, after the move, the relationship fell into absolute disaster, in a short time. For one particular woman, the same thing happened two times in a row!
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Originally Posted by pdm22
This is a huge clue, and gives you insight into him and his history. In my experience, you can pretty much tell how people are going to be based on their history and their patterns. Maybe this is what he does- comes on strong, but then when things get real, and it comes to follow through, or the possibility of commitment gets put on the table, he pulls away?
Obviously if he’s in early recovery, that’s a factor too. But he knew this already and kept it from you, and now it sounds like he’s using it as some kind of smoke and mirrors to excuse his crappy behavior. At any rate, it sounds like you have a good chunk of info now on how he is, which will hopefully help you in making your decision on what to do from here on out.
Obviously if he’s in early recovery, that’s a factor too. But he knew this already and kept it from you, and now it sounds like he’s using it as some kind of smoke and mirrors to excuse his crappy behavior. At any rate, it sounds like you have a good chunk of info now on how he is, which will hopefully help you in making your decision on what to do from here on out.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
The advice newly recovering alcoholics get is not to start a new relationship for at least a year in order to protect their sobriety.
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Originally Posted by Florence
He's telling you clearly what he wants and doesn't want. I'd believe him.
One of the hardest things for me in my own earlier days here was learning to deal with what IS, not what I wanted things to be or what I thought things should be. I certainly had a sense of being wronged, a feeling that I was OWED, dammit, b/c I hadn't done anything wrong, only tried to be a good person, yadda yadda...
But you know, that and $1.50 would get me a cup of coffee. Whether or not I felt I was OWED, there was no way I could ever force someone to pay up, right? So eventually (and it took a long time!) I began to learn to let go and to try to see, understand, and deal with things as they really were, not as I felt they should be.
I've heard it said at meetings that recovery is learning to deal with life on life's terms. I can't think of a better way of stating it.
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Originally Posted by krystalm3
That could very well be what is going on. If he didn't want to see me though cause he thought things would get too real then, why not just have made an excuse? (like not having any vacation time left as an example)
I’m going to guess, because I don’t know the guy. But I am familiar with issues with attachments, and how that gets played out. My guess is, he probably did want to see you, and probably isn’t consciously aware and mindful as he’s doing this stuff (pulling someone close- then as the person does get close-pulling away). I don’t know his background or story, but even when people are aware that they do this type of thing, this kind of behavioral/ relationship pattern can be deeply ingrained from way back, and they do this type of thing in their relationships anyways. He might need a lot of therapy to changes this (if it’s something he wants to change). Chances are that this is just how he is in his relationships, and why he’s had trouble in the past, though.
As far as the recovery, it’s suggested to people not to make major changes in the first year of recovery, but it’s not a rule, and not some panacea that people get to use after the fact, like some get out jail free card when they play around with people’s emotions and withhold information, and don’t want to deal with the consequences. He sounds like a mess, though, and like he has a lot to learn, and this experience is giving you insight into how he is and how he behaves. Sorry to hear this happened to you. Hurtful stuff, here
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