FossilHunter

I’m still working on my intro, but wanted to vent for a bit.

My nearly XAGF is in sober living. She asked for a separation so she can focus on her sobriety. I told her that’s ok and makes sense. She wants to keep the lines of communication open, so we don’t grow apart while she’s there. She said if I try to call/message her, she may be busy, but will reply when she gets a chance. I haven’t gotten a reply from her in 2 days. We haven’t had any recent arguments or fights. We actually planned for us to go out on a date in the next week or so.

I’ve been attending AlAnon and AA meetings and doing a lot of reading about dealing with a loved one in recovery.

I haven’t tried to contact her after the last text, but she’s never not responded within a few hours. I just feel a bit of anxiety creeping up and worry if I should rethink coming to see her.

trailmix

Hi fossilhunter and welcome. Don't know if you have had a chance to read around the posts in the forum yet but you will find a lot of information there you can probably relate to.

As you have probably heard at Al-Anon, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

I have never known anyone who actually sought "formal" recovery, however of the many stories I have read here about loved ones that enter rehab, your story is not unusual. The pulling away/distance, the wanting a break.

What information do you have on dealing with a loved one in rehab/starting sobriety? What approach are you taking?

dandylion

FossilHunter…..I think it would be best for you to be prepared that she may be quite different, in sobriety....early sobriety....than what you may be expecting or wanting.
It is not uncommon for the partner to expect that everything will be fine, if the alcoholic just puts down the bottle.
When this doesn't happen as expected, it can come as quite a shock for the partner...…
Early sobriety is a very stressful time for the alcoholic....and it can be all that they can muster just to get from one day to another without a drink.
It is not unusual for a newly recovering alcoholic to be withdrawn, quiet, irritable, grouchy, depressed, etc.
The important thing is not to take this personally. However, as you will see, reading the thousands of other stories, here....many partners DO take it personally and become very anxious about the security of the relationship.....

I think that the safest course of action for the partner to take during the first months of the alcoholic's recovery is to detach as much as possible...and give a very wide berth....If they want space...give them the space....
And, lower the expectations for a rekindling of the fires of romance....
If they are trying to work their program of recovery, they are in the fight of their life. Their life really does depend on it.
It is not easy to be with an alcoholic...one who is still using or in early years of recovery.
It requires patience....and a wiliness to keep your hands off their recovery.
After all, they have a whole recovery community at their disposal....and, that is where they should lean on.
Keep, always, in mind....that, you really have no control over her. If you and she are to be together, in the future, it will have to come from her desire to be there.....voluntarily, and willingly....
Otherwise, she is not the one for you...and, you are not the one for her....

About you visiting her...I would say to go IF you want to...and if she wants you to, also......

FionnaPerSe

FossilHunter

She and I have slowly been detaching from each other. I went through the grieving stages of our relationship over the past month and half. I let her set the terms of communication during our separation. When and how often we talk or meet up.

She’s been sober for 7 months. We were good for the first 4 months. It wasn’t till she had been at sober living for a while that things began to change. This is an abrupt change for her to cease any contact with me. It was just last week she confirmed that we were still on for our date.

trailmix

Once you start reading the threads here and in particular ones that have to do with SOs that go through seeking sobriety or recovery it's generally a pretty rocky time.

The addict has had their drug to call on, possibly for years. They neglect relationships, themselves, their feelings and their emotional growth.

Now all of a sudden what was a huge part of their lives and their coping mechanism, is just - gone.

Imagine if, someone took the majority of your coping mechanisms away, that you have relied on throughout your life and then, over a period of time, tried to reteach them to you. That's tough, it's also world changing. I suspect that is somewhat akin to what an addict in recovery goes through.

That's aside from the shame and what has possibly been a very self-centered world view etc (I don't know her of course so I'm just throwing some generalities out there).

The bottom line is, you two have detached, as you said, you are no longer in a relationship, you have basic friendship where she is calling all the shots. Granted, she needs to focus on recovery, I'm not arguing that. How does that work for you? How is it working for you?

What are your expectations?

FossilHunter

Thanks Dandelion!

I’ve been reading up on here and elsewhere about how changed she will likely be after she’s done. I fully expect her to be very stressed and have difficulty dealing with and expressing emotions. I’ve definitely pumped the brakes on rekindling a romance. It was completely her idea to go out on a date from time to time. She said she knows that it’s going to be difficult for a while.

I’m just left in the dark with the sudden silence. She went from laughing and joking with me early in the day to no response.

dandylion

fossilHunter….I can understand how you would feel some anxiety...if you are wanting the relationship to work out, long term....
This is probably going to be a very big learning experience for you.....
I think that all you can do is to just wait and see how it unfolds.....
Who knows how you will feel, over time....?

FossilHunter

I had no idea how big the learning curve would be. She came home for a few weeks between rehab and sober living. I had gone to many of the family counseling meetings, but apparently missed some of the more important ones. I had work and child care preventing me from spending days at a time out of town.

That time she was home was miserable for both of us. I was expecting my normal GF to come back and at first she was. However, her anxiety and stress began to get the better of her and she opted to go to sober living.

Since then, I have learned from my mistakes. She was fragile, having only been 3 months sober and still not fully capable of re-entering regular life with me. I took it personally and felt she was trying to escape back to the comfort of her rehab friends and avoid rebuilding our relationship.

I could not have been more wrong. I asked and then argued with her about why she left. I was selfish and made it all about what I wanted from her and not what she needed from me.

That is when I learned about my grave errors. She asked me to start going to AlAnon and AA meetings and see a therapist to discuss my codependency. Talk about having a light thrown on your failings, flaws, and poor judgement.

She was like someone with a brain injury trying to learn to walk again. The alcoholic part of her brain was no longer able to get her moving and she was training the other parts to help her walk. Yet, I kept running past her and telling her to hurry and catch up to me. I wanted her to jump back into her role as my loving partner as if those months in rehab were a vacation. I did not know the extent of unlearning she had undergone and how gentle and patient I should have been to help her relearn and settle into our relationship.

To ease the anxiety I was causing, she began to detach from me. My codependency reared it’s head and would have none of this. I demanded to know why she didn’t want to call me or text me more than absolutely necessary. After a particularly heated argument, she broke. She said we needed to separate, so that I could learn why what I was doing was hurting her recovery and so she could focus on maintaining her sobriety. I was trying to force her to put our relationship above her sobriety and that would likely lead to her failure and relapse.

My pride, unknowingly at first, helped me. I poured myself into books like “Codependent No More”, attended CoDA, AlAnon, and AA meetings. I bared everything to my therapist. I perused fora, news articles, and opinion pieces online. My pride told me I was right and she just needed to take my advice and try harder. I quickly learned not only how completely wrong I was, but how much of an utter inconsiderate ******* I had been.

After weeks of meetings, discussions, therapy sessions, and humility, I have learned much from my mistakes. I have had to learn to back off and let her approach this at her own pace and just give support if she asks for it. To give our relationship the best chance of recovering, I have to be willing to let it and her go, to wherever her journey takes her.

That is the part I still struggle with. My codependency, acknowledged and somewhat tamed, still peaks it’s head up from time to time. It whispers to me that this is the last time you will hear a loving word from her. She is moving on and not taking you with her. At these times, my anxiety tries to mutiny. I push it down, repeating the serenity prayer, meditating, and reaching out to family, friends, and now to y’all. Thank you for listening, commenting, and just being around. It helps to hear your thoughts and read your posts.

-FH

TriStrong

FH,

I could have written every single word about the post-rehab days with my XRAF. I didn't get it and thought I did, which only made things worse with him. I decided yesterday to let go, and although the nights are crazy tough, the days are less stressful.

I sooooooo hear you on the anxiety about never hearing a loving word again. Again, you could be me. Big hugs. It's too bad sometimes that SR isn't an in-person Al Anon meeting!

trailmix

She is in recovery (huge deal), you have both detached from a "romantic" relationship.

She is changing and is away and is calling all the shots on communication, where and how much.

Actions, not words, she's actually not doing what she said she would do.

I mention this because - codependency aside, I think your reaction is completely normal, whether you were in a regular friendship or she was still drinking or in recovery or not, regardless, she said she would do something and she is not.

You texted her and haven't heard from her in 3 days. Unless she is in a monastery in Nepal (which is where Dandylion suggests might be the best place for a recovering alcoholic to go for a year - for themselves and everyone else - and I agree!) she could have replied.

So no, your expectations at this point seem normal. Now, unless your expectations are completely ZERO, she doesn't need to contact you at any particular time, she doesn't need to say what she means and mean what she says - well then everything is A-OK.

Your compassion and understanding and willingness to comply with her needs at this point are truly commendable, however you should expect (at the very least) some consideration?

Being co-dependent isn't about looking after your needs, it's about NOT looking after them (in a nutshell).

FossilHunter

She did text me back last night finally.

You are correct, and I still have things to learn and accept. She is either going to communicate with me like she said she would, or she isn’t. I can’t make her, but I don’t need to tolerate it.

Part of me feels empathy with what she is going through. She’s going through some PAWS right now. I think I should reassess our situation after talking with her after our ‘date’, and see if further detaching is needed. i.e. If you want to communicate with me, I will respond. However, if you don’t respond for days, without sending a quick “Hey, I don’t feel like talking right now” response, then I am going to assume you don’t want to talk to me anymore.

DontRemember

That there is an ultimatum,my friend..not saying it's not deserved.. just know that they do not work, addicts or no addicts. If I ever feel like I need to use an ultimatum..I excuse myself from the situation anymore. I don't have nor want the time for it. I have my life to live. If/when they get their 'stuff' together and reach out... I'll see what I want to do. I no longer wait for "maybes".