Smarie78

What a kind thing to say. I do good at pretending to be solid but inside there is a lot of gel moving around. I think I will too. I am just always scared of the feeling, maybe more than the abuse. In fact that's the issue. I am more uncomfortable today with no contact than I was with his presence but abusive contact.

I am sorry it did not work out with the lady in the church. I am so proud and admittedly envious that the red flags were enough to turn you off. I still wear blinders - you will find love too someday. I've no doubts

Smarie78

Yay!! That's what I need to do. Find more to occupy myself with that will yield personal results, less so of those I find with a partner. Is this a new place you've got? I apologize if I have missed this but I will take a peek back at some of your recent posts. I really hope your day ended on a positive note.

ConeyIslandHigh

Given some of the things he's said, it seems this guy might have some sort of narcissistic personality disorder. If that's the case, I'd advise running not walking away. These types prey on the vulnerable and can ultimately be far more mentally damaging than the alcoholic. They can be super sweet and fun, but it's a manipulation (love-bombing). "Covert" narcissists can be difficult to spot, as opposed to overt ones.

Please remain vigilant, be careful, and stay confident! (((Hugs)))

LifeChangeNYC

dandylion

Smarie.....the fact that you recognize that you are more comfortable with the abuse than without it....is a Giant personal observation...and it is so important that I think you should go running in to a therapist's office with that piece of information.....It seems like being in a relationship and getting some kinds of attention is soooo important to your life.....no matter what the cost....
Marie....guys like him have special radar for vulnerable women....like moths to a flame....

Bekindalways

Hey, the house is my parents that I rent on airbnb and I do allow dogs so there is occasional damage.

Hobbies and activities that keep you occupied aren't everything but they do help.

Again Smarie, thanks for coming right back when you realized the relationship was going sideways. it sure isn't fun and I wish we all had more of a straight road to recovery but that just isn't reality.

trailmix

hey Smarie, how are you doing today?

You know we are here for support! This is going to be a bit rough but you can handle it, hope you are taking good care of yourself and most of all being kind to yourself today.

Florence

When I split with XAH, I decided to stay single for a long time so I could work on myself and get my ducks in a row -- and to figure out how to recalibrate my picker. The picker wasn't the priority, though. I needed to figure out how to be financially independent and learn how to set boundaries and show up for my kids when and how they needed me. I couldn't do any of those things while distracted with another relationship, so I didn't. I took it off the table.

About six months into my experiment, I met someone I liked. But instead of diving head first into a relationship, I let it ride and kept looking after myself and my responsibilities, working my codie recovery and practicing with the tools I found in therapy to learn how to cope after being in such a black hole of a relationship.

Six months after that, I let this new guy take me out on a date and we've been together since. We took it real slow and he respected me when I told him that's how I was going to do it. It's a good relationship - and it's interesting to me because he's not the kind of person I would have gone for before my year off. In short, he's dependable, trustworthy, zero drama, thoughtful. Previous to this, I only had pants feelings for men who were dangerous, emotionally distant, who dangled love and acceptance in front of me - because that's what I was used to, that's how my FOO is.

You should consider taking some time to figure out what you really want and what you're really worth. I guarantee it's not this again.

AnvilheadII

in the last year, what is the longest amount of consecutive days you have gone without a man in your life?

Smarie78

Not long. While I have not dated anyone seriously since xABF I have always more or less consistently had a man in my life. Since I left him I have had several men in my life. Two who treated me very nicely but I did not feel physical chemistry with. I am going back to therapy as all the old behaviors are coming back. As everyone says here, the issues are about us and not really the addict in the end. Take him out of the picture and here I am. What makes us stay (safe for financial or children involved, none of which I had), why we accept bad behavior again, etc. etc. , crave approval - which to me was the dominant feeling in dealing with this most recent man. I stopped trying to understand why a long time ago, now I just need help retraining my behaviors when my brain wants to push me into unhealthy territory.

Someone suggested an abuse counselor which I really think could be more helpful than who I was seeing before.

dandylion

Smarie…..I have strongly suggested an abuse counselor...one who is specially trained and with experience.....If you don't know how to find one...just contact y our local domestic abuse center, and they will be able to refer you to an appropriate person. this can be done totally anonomously …..
They will be very understanding and nonjudgemental….

SparkleKitty

Can you elaborate more on why you "stopped trying to understand" your behavior and responses a long time ago?

Smarie78

Thank you friend. I am struggling again today. I am ashamed to admit that I went back after the abuse and it happened again unsurprisingly of course. I wanted him so badly to like me again after my apparent screw up this weekend (which I am at least able to admit wasn't anything I had done wrong). I was so hungry to have the nice feelings he once gave in the first couple weeks of dating that I tried to will it back. I disappointed and upset him again though - I won't go into detail - but it has gutted me. I tried to make that first painful experience go away by doing good and making him happy again, but I failed the test he gave me. I remember xABF always apologized though and gave me lots of love after he was not nice to me. This feels so much worse because there is no post-abuse apology or love.

I know, stupid silly girl - I want to stop this feeling. If I can get through it today I know I will be ok. Do you think I can?

Smarie78

I didn't feel it served a purpose. In my gut I do not know why I respond the way I do to these things. I grew up in a truly incredible loving family even to this day - with parents that gave me the world. Somehow though, something in my brain thought that it was ok to take abuse. From my very first "real boyfriend" who showed me my first experience in abuse 20 years ago, to today, the same patterns occur and I put aside my dignity each and every time to feel love and acceptance from these men. I was a late bloomer in life and was mistreated and severely bullied in school so when I "bloomed" I started getting attention that I never felt - it was purely physical but I finally felt accepted, even if I was to be discarded later. I now feel I have an understanding of it - but I want to know how to stop it as I cannot change the past.

trailmix

First of all you are not stupid or silly. There is a reason you keep choosing these men and you need help with that. It's not a good thing for you. There is no shame in reaching out for help. There is an abuse/reward type of system that you are in and you can absolutely break out of that and probably pretty quickly as soon as you start working on it with someone with experience in this. As you start to break away from it you will have their support to get you through it (and ours).

I know you can. I know you can end this Smarie. What you are dealing with here (him) is dangerous, not just saddening and terribly bad for you.

The fact that he CANNOT hold it together without abusing you for even a short amount of time shows that he is not only abusive but lacks any kind of control over himself. That's dangerous.

If you can't bring yourself to stay away from him because he is a horrible person, perhaps being in danger will scare you off enough to stay away because I honestly think it is imperative that you do.

Smarie78

Your wonderful trailmix and I actually feel better just by knowing I have your support. I tricked my brain today and repeated to myself "it's too bad things didn't work out and he broke up with me". It makes my brain process it as a regular break up that happens all the time. They are painful too but they seem to have more rationale than this. I feel less gutted if I can believe we broke up for normal everyday reasons. Whatever helps right? Thank you also for reiterating the danger. I think what's interesting most is how after the first major incident it became a very apparent "game" that was non-existent just a week ago. It almost feels like role play - like it's not actually real because it is so incredibly rooted in a different reality than the one that's actually, well, real.

If I can keep laughing today at the absurdity of it all I know I can move away from it. I think when anything ends that once brought joy, it is a painful experience because you know that particular joy you had is forever gone. You inevitably find it again in a different capacity, but that is usually what is the hardest for me. This little recent "life" I had with him that was joyful for a time, albeit a short time. Move on as we do yes?

AnvilheadII

I was so hungry to have the nice feelings he once gave in the first couple weeks of dating that I tried to will it back.

^^^this is what drives every addict to take another pill, do another line, smoke another hit, do another shot. chasing that first rush.

i was craving the feelings of that first hit and wanted to will it to happen again.

when you do not have a man in your life, feeding your attention addiction, what DO you feel?

Smarie78

In truth? Mostly happy. I have more than anyone could ever wish to have in life, yet some days the emptiness catches up and holds hostage with the only relief the affections of a man and his adoration.

When it leaves I feel empty.

trailmix

And there is help for that and I'm so glad you are going to go out there and get it Smarie.

When breaking up with someone, missing their presence and even whatever good things they brought to the relationship is normal, we miss that and grieve it.

The emptiness is something different. Looking outside yourself for validation like that, can't ever work.

val·i·da·tion

noun
the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something.

the action of making or declaring something legally or officially acceptable.

recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.

Being "acceptable" is something that must come from within. It's impossible to rely on someone else to fill that. If you happened to come across someone that was genuinely wonderful and kind, MAYBE you could go on like that for years, I'm sure it happens. But even in that kind of "ideal" circumstance (not really ideal, just maybe ideal for someone who wants to stay reliant) you are at the whim of - someone elses - whims, moods, ideas. You lose yourself.

In many cases though, I think and as you have experienced, it leaves you wide open for abuse from those that are not honourable. They know you aren't going anywhere. Your first teeny red flag trial was just that, a trial. Of course he is openly abusive now, he figures, after testing you under fire and you going back that he has exactly zero reason to hold back, he figures now that you will return regardless.

I hope you don't.

dandylion

Smarie…..Yes, you can get beyond this....but, you need the proper support from those who are specially equipped to help guide you. It can be very hard to leave an abusive relationship...and, it can take many attempts to do so....if one doesn't have the right kind of help and support....
Without the specialized support and therapy, one will repeat the same pattern, in yet, another relationship....as you, yourself, have discovered.
I don't think it is a matter of just getting past this guy, because, without changes within, it will just reappear with the next guy that you feel attraction to.
I continue to strongly suggest that you contact the dv center and get a referral ASAP.....like within the next 24 hours. Don't wait until you "want" to...because that probably won't happen---Do it because you are smart enough to realize that you NEED to. Marshall your head, and your intelligence, to lead your heart in this instance. Let your head lead, because your "heart' is just too vulnerable, just now.....