Baby Steps
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Baby Steps
So, after a solid week of depression, crying, and staying in bed way too much, and basically only leaving it to go to Al Anon, some things began to click. I have had a number of huge things hit at once--breaking up with XRAF, moving out of our house, jumping between friend's houses, a massive debt from the XH calling to collect, the list is huge. I was feeling panic all day, every day, and not getting anything accomplished.
I started with finding a place to live. I panicked there, too, going back and forth between my dad helping me buy a place and renting. It was too big of a decision to make that quickly, and I ended up coming across a tiny duplex, owned by a little old man, that was perfect. He rented to me without a credit check, which was a huge blessing (XH's debt is still on me). Just holding those keys was a big huge moment for me. It will be the first time I have ever lived completely alone (I had my son after my divorce, then moved in with XRAF when my son moved out).
I got work done. I made progress in sorting the mess of my stuff that is in my car and at my dad's house. All positive steps.
I finally accepted that my fiance and I are done, posted that it was over on social media (since people were expecting a wedding on November 1). Two days later, he reached out, wanting to get back together.
I told him I would only talk to him in my counselor's office. I wanted a third party there to mediate, to hear both of us, and to lead the conversation down a healthier path than we would have. To my surprise, he took ownership of the things he has done to end the relationship, and that he regretted them. He swore he hasn't used anything, and I believe him. He looked fantastic--five years younger.
We talked about some tough stuff. I cried a lot. In the end, we set a second appointment for the 30th. We hugged in the parking lot and agreed no relationship, just conversation, and see where it goes from there. I told him under no circumstances was I moving in with him again until he had at least a year of sobriety (and now I have a lease, so I can't, which is good). That we needed to go super slow, IF we even decided to date again.
It was like that unlocked some kind of dam on his side. He has been more open, more gracious, more apologetic. We are still communicating mainly by text, because we agreed we aren't ready for more yet. I'm trying really hard to let God order my steps with all of this.
I am looking forward to my own place, even though I'm moving in on what would have been my wedding day, which is going to suck, no lie. I told him in counseling that I have resented this breakup but also been grateful for it because it has forced me to be okay on my own. To deal with my own problems, and not lean on a man to fix them. To basically put on my big girl pants and DEAL.
I see him working his program, and that encourages me, but I'm still working mine, regardless of where this ends up. I'm done being this panicky mess who avoids or runs instead of staying and dealing.
I started with finding a place to live. I panicked there, too, going back and forth between my dad helping me buy a place and renting. It was too big of a decision to make that quickly, and I ended up coming across a tiny duplex, owned by a little old man, that was perfect. He rented to me without a credit check, which was a huge blessing (XH's debt is still on me). Just holding those keys was a big huge moment for me. It will be the first time I have ever lived completely alone (I had my son after my divorce, then moved in with XRAF when my son moved out).
I got work done. I made progress in sorting the mess of my stuff that is in my car and at my dad's house. All positive steps.
I finally accepted that my fiance and I are done, posted that it was over on social media (since people were expecting a wedding on November 1). Two days later, he reached out, wanting to get back together.
I told him I would only talk to him in my counselor's office. I wanted a third party there to mediate, to hear both of us, and to lead the conversation down a healthier path than we would have. To my surprise, he took ownership of the things he has done to end the relationship, and that he regretted them. He swore he hasn't used anything, and I believe him. He looked fantastic--five years younger.
We talked about some tough stuff. I cried a lot. In the end, we set a second appointment for the 30th. We hugged in the parking lot and agreed no relationship, just conversation, and see where it goes from there. I told him under no circumstances was I moving in with him again until he had at least a year of sobriety (and now I have a lease, so I can't, which is good). That we needed to go super slow, IF we even decided to date again.
It was like that unlocked some kind of dam on his side. He has been more open, more gracious, more apologetic. We are still communicating mainly by text, because we agreed we aren't ready for more yet. I'm trying really hard to let God order my steps with all of this.
I am looking forward to my own place, even though I'm moving in on what would have been my wedding day, which is going to suck, no lie. I told him in counseling that I have resented this breakup but also been grateful for it because it has forced me to be okay on my own. To deal with my own problems, and not lean on a man to fix them. To basically put on my big girl pants and DEAL.
I see him working his program, and that encourages me, but I'm still working mine, regardless of where this ends up. I'm done being this panicky mess who avoids or runs instead of staying and dealing.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 45
TriStrong
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I dealt with a cancelling of a wedding as well and what now has become quite some time of back and forth. I didnt seek help until she did.
I've been working the program for a couple weeks now, and Al-Anon has helped tremendously! Kudos to you for taking those steps and working your program. Keep at it.
Like they say, it works if you work it!
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I dealt with a cancelling of a wedding as well and what now has become quite some time of back and forth. I didnt seek help until she did.
I've been working the program for a couple weeks now, and Al-Anon has helped tremendously! Kudos to you for taking those steps and working your program. Keep at it.
Like they say, it works if you work it!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TriStrong...I am glad to hear that you are appreciating your independence. Living in independence will probably bring a lot of positive changes, for you, if you keep it up....
The one thing I would say to you is this....Never let his not drinking be a factor in determining your own future. You can never count on his uninterrupted sobriety....But, you can count on yourself to take care of you!
The one thing I would say to you is this....Never let his not drinking be a factor in determining your own future. You can never count on his uninterrupted sobriety....But, you can count on yourself to take care of you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by Hoody315 
TriStrong
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I dealt with a cancelling of a wedding as well and what now has become quite some time of back and forth. I didnt seek help until she did.
I've been working the program for a couple weeks now, and Al-Anon has helped tremendously! Kudos to you for taking those steps and working your program. Keep at it.
Like they say, it works if you work it!
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I dealt with a cancelling of a wedding as well and what now has become quite some time of back and forth. I didnt seek help until she did.
I've been working the program for a couple weeks now, and Al-Anon has helped tremendously! Kudos to you for taking those steps and working your program. Keep at it.
Like they say, it works if you work it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I think it's great that you have your duplex TriStrong, that's a great step for you.
One thing you said, about moving on what would have been your wedding day.
I hope that you will come to not think of it that way. Why does that matter? Because it's kind of being stuck in the sentimentality - the what if of a day that isn't (well it is a day but you know what I mean). It's just not helpful to you perhaps?
You aren't marrying him because he is an alcoholic that was not treating you with respect and kindness and was not working any kind of recovery. That's the truth.
The truth and reality is it's not a wedding day, or least not YOUR wedding day so it's just November 1st, move in day! So maybe that's a different way of thinking of it, November 1st is now moving day, that's a great thing.
If you were going to attach it to him then it might be - Day that I was going to get married but found he was an alcoholic so decided to call off the wedding day.
Onward!
One thing you said, about moving on what would have been your wedding day.
I hope that you will come to not think of it that way. Why does that matter? Because it's kind of being stuck in the sentimentality - the what if of a day that isn't (well it is a day but you know what I mean). It's just not helpful to you perhaps?
You aren't marrying him because he is an alcoholic that was not treating you with respect and kindness and was not working any kind of recovery. That's the truth.
The truth and reality is it's not a wedding day, or least not YOUR wedding day so it's just November 1st, move in day! So maybe that's a different way of thinking of it, November 1st is now moving day, that's a great thing.
If you were going to attach it to him then it might be - Day that I was going to get married but found he was an alcoholic so decided to call off the wedding day.
Onward!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by dandylion
Never let his not drinking be a factor in determining your own future. You can never count on his uninterrupted sobriety....But, you can count on yourself to take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Our addicts have us in their lives. Things go wrong - whatever the individual stories are. They treat us very poorly. Breakups occur. Might be for a day or two, weeks, months, or years.
Then they say wonderful things to us & make many promises. Oh golly it feels so good. Its a warm head rush. We reunite. We love them dearly & take very good care of them. Then more poor treatment. Addict treatment. Another break up. More nice words, warm feelings & reunite. On & on.
Above is the story of my relationship. During each breakup cycle I lost more & more of myself. I gave myself away to her until there was nothing left to give. I am not talking about material things to give.
Please don't let your difficult living circumstance cloud your thinking towards him. He is what he is - just like mine is exactly what she is. You know what the past with him was like. You get tossed to the curb basically with nothing. Your sleeping on various strange sofas. You post on social media wedding is off. He comes flying back?
Some things are starting to fall into place for you. Don't forsake a possible bright future for just the sake of convenience. I did that numerous times but not doing any longer. Because in reality its a road of nothing & leads absolutely nowhere.
I hope whatever road you choose - leads you to a good place.
Then they say wonderful things to us & make many promises. Oh golly it feels so good. Its a warm head rush. We reunite. We love them dearly & take very good care of them. Then more poor treatment. Addict treatment. Another break up. More nice words, warm feelings & reunite. On & on.
Above is the story of my relationship. During each breakup cycle I lost more & more of myself. I gave myself away to her until there was nothing left to give. I am not talking about material things to give.
Please don't let your difficult living circumstance cloud your thinking towards him. He is what he is - just like mine is exactly what she is. You know what the past with him was like. You get tossed to the curb basically with nothing. Your sleeping on various strange sofas. You post on social media wedding is off. He comes flying back?
Some things are starting to fall into place for you. Don't forsake a possible bright future for just the sake of convenience. I did that numerous times but not doing any longer. Because in reality its a road of nothing & leads absolutely nowhere.
I hope whatever road you choose - leads you to a good place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by HardLessons
Our addicts have us in their lives. Things go wrong - whatever the individual stories are. They treat us very poorly. Breakups occur. Might be for a day or two, weeks, months, or years.
Then they say wonderful things to us & make many promises. Oh golly it feels so good. Its a warm head rush. We reunite. We love them dearly & take very good care of them. Then more poor treatment. Addict treatment. Another break up. More nice words, warm feelings & reunite. On & on.
Above is the story of my relationship. During each breakup cycle I lost more & more of myself. I gave myself away to her until there was nothing left to give. I am not talking about material things to give.
Please don't let your difficult living circumstance cloud your thinking towards him. He is what he is - just like mine is exactly what she is. You know what the past with him was like. You get tossed to the curb basically with nothing. Your sleeping on various strange sofas. You post on social media wedding is off. He comes flying back?
Some things are starting to fall into place for you. Don't forsake a possible bright future for just the sake of convenience. I did that numerous times but not doing any longer. Because in reality its a road of nothing & leads absolutely nowhere.
I hope whatever road you choose - leads you to a good place.
Then they say wonderful things to us & make many promises. Oh golly it feels so good. Its a warm head rush. We reunite. We love them dearly & take very good care of them. Then more poor treatment. Addict treatment. Another break up. More nice words, warm feelings & reunite. On & on.
Above is the story of my relationship. During each breakup cycle I lost more & more of myself. I gave myself away to her until there was nothing left to give. I am not talking about material things to give.
Please don't let your difficult living circumstance cloud your thinking towards him. He is what he is - just like mine is exactly what she is. You know what the past with him was like. You get tossed to the curb basically with nothing. Your sleeping on various strange sofas. You post on social media wedding is off. He comes flying back?
Some things are starting to fall into place for you. Don't forsake a possible bright future for just the sake of convenience. I did that numerous times but not doing any longer. Because in reality its a road of nothing & leads absolutely nowhere.
I hope whatever road you choose - leads you to a good place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by trailmix
I think it's great that you have your duplex TriStrong, that's a great step for you.
One thing you said, about moving on what would have been your wedding day.
I hope that you will come to not think of it that way. Why does that matter? Because it's kind of being stuck in the sentimentality - the what if of a day that isn't (well it is a day but you know what I mean). It's just not helpful to you perhaps?
You aren't marrying him because he is an alcoholic that was not treating you with respect and kindness and was not working any kind of recovery. That's the truth.
The truth and reality is it's not a wedding day, or least not YOUR wedding day so it's just November 1st, move in day! So maybe that's a different way of thinking of it, November 1st is now moving day, that's a great thing.
If you were going to attach it to him then it might be - Day that I was going to get married but found he was an alcoholic so decided to call off the wedding day.
Onward!
One thing you said, about moving on what would have been your wedding day.
I hope that you will come to not think of it that way. Why does that matter? Because it's kind of being stuck in the sentimentality - the what if of a day that isn't (well it is a day but you know what I mean). It's just not helpful to you perhaps?
You aren't marrying him because he is an alcoholic that was not treating you with respect and kindness and was not working any kind of recovery. That's the truth.
The truth and reality is it's not a wedding day, or least not YOUR wedding day so it's just November 1st, move in day! So maybe that's a different way of thinking of it, November 1st is now moving day, that's a great thing.
If you were going to attach it to him then it might be - Day that I was going to get married but found he was an alcoholic so decided to call off the wedding day.
Onward!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Hey Tristrong. You sound like you are walking with grace through a horrific situation. Condolences and kudos in whatever measure is appropriate.
I think it is kind of cool that you are moving into a new apartment on your canceled wedding day. There seems to be a certain synchronicity and symmetry with this. Yeah it will be a hard day I hope you have both laughter and tears that day.
Two years after I left my qualifier, I was getting a masters degree that I didn't really want, working a stupid job and living in a rented room. Those were tough years. My depression had not been diagnosed yet and I had chronic insomnia.
One night, lying awake, I thought of all the things that I didn't have: home, career, relationship. For some reason, I thought about marriage and commitment. I got up and found a ring in my jewelry box and put it on my left hand like a wedding band. I decided my commitment was to living the absolute best life I could no matter what. It is some 30 years later today and I am still wearing that ring.
My life hasn't been what I expected but I don't regret much of it.
Hugs to you and just keep taking whatever teeny step you can.
I think it is kind of cool that you are moving into a new apartment on your canceled wedding day. There seems to be a certain synchronicity and symmetry with this. Yeah it will be a hard day I hope you have both laughter and tears that day.
Two years after I left my qualifier, I was getting a masters degree that I didn't really want, working a stupid job and living in a rented room. Those were tough years. My depression had not been diagnosed yet and I had chronic insomnia.
One night, lying awake, I thought of all the things that I didn't have: home, career, relationship. For some reason, I thought about marriage and commitment. I got up and found a ring in my jewelry box and put it on my left hand like a wedding band. I decided my commitment was to living the absolute best life I could no matter what. It is some 30 years later today and I am still wearing that ring.
My life hasn't been what I expected but I don't regret much of it.
Hugs to you and just keep taking whatever teeny step you can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hey Tristrong. You sound like you are walking with grace through a horrific situation. Condolences and kudos in whatever measure is appropriate.
I think it is kind of cool that you are moving into a new apartment on your canceled wedding day. There seems to be a certain synchronicity and symmetry with this. Yeah it will be a hard day I hope you have both laughter and tears that day.
Two years after I left my qualifier, I was getting a masters degree that I didn't really want, working a stupid job and living in a rented room. Those were tough years. My depression had not been diagnosed yet and I had chronic insomnia.
One night, lying awake, I thought of all the things that I didn't have: home, career, relationship. For some reason, I thought about marriage and commitment. I got up and found a ring in my jewelry box and put it on my left hand like a wedding band. I decided my commitment was to living the absolute best life I could no matter what. It is some 30 years later today and I am still wearing that ring.
My life hasn't been what I expected but I don't regret much of it.
Hugs to you and just keep taking whatever teeny step you can.
I think it is kind of cool that you are moving into a new apartment on your canceled wedding day. There seems to be a certain synchronicity and symmetry with this. Yeah it will be a hard day I hope you have both laughter and tears that day.
Two years after I left my qualifier, I was getting a masters degree that I didn't really want, working a stupid job and living in a rented room. Those were tough years. My depression had not been diagnosed yet and I had chronic insomnia.
One night, lying awake, I thought of all the things that I didn't have: home, career, relationship. For some reason, I thought about marriage and commitment. I got up and found a ring in my jewelry box and put it on my left hand like a wedding band. I decided my commitment was to living the absolute best life I could no matter what. It is some 30 years later today and I am still wearing that ring.
My life hasn't been what I expected but I don't regret much of it.
Hugs to you and just keep taking whatever teeny step you can.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Tristrong,
Congrats on getting a place to stay. That is a great first baby step. This will allow you proceed at your own pace. Also way to stick to your boundaries and stating what terms you will speak to your XRAF. That fact that he didn't fight you on it and actually followed through is a nice start. He has a long was to go as you know. I think you are correct with just dealing with text messaging with him.
Just keep taking baby steps and also just take it one day at a time. You are doing a great. You need to think as Nov 1 as moving day like Trailmix stated. It will just bring hurt if you think about it any other way. I hope you have a great day and keep being strong.
Congrats on getting a place to stay. That is a great first baby step. This will allow you proceed at your own pace. Also way to stick to your boundaries and stating what terms you will speak to your XRAF. That fact that he didn't fight you on it and actually followed through is a nice start. He has a long was to go as you know. I think you are correct with just dealing with text messaging with him.
Just keep taking baby steps and also just take it one day at a time. You are doing a great. You need to think as Nov 1 as moving day like Trailmix stated. It will just bring hurt if you think about it any other way. I hope you have a great day and keep being strong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by ironwill
Tristrong,
Congrats on getting a place to stay. That is a great first baby step. This will allow you proceed at your own pace. Also way to stick to your boundaries and stating what terms you will speak to your XRAF. That fact that he didn't fight you on it and actually followed through is a nice start. He has a long was to go as you know. I think you are correct with just dealing with text messaging with him.
Just keep taking baby steps and also just take it one day at a time. You are doing a great. You need to think as Nov 1 as moving day like Trailmix stated. It will just bring hurt if you think about it any other way. I hope you have a great day and keep being strong.
Congrats on getting a place to stay. That is a great first baby step. This will allow you proceed at your own pace. Also way to stick to your boundaries and stating what terms you will speak to your XRAF. That fact that he didn't fight you on it and actually followed through is a nice start. He has a long was to go as you know. I think you are correct with just dealing with text messaging with him.
Just keep taking baby steps and also just take it one day at a time. You are doing a great. You need to think as Nov 1 as moving day like Trailmix stated. It will just bring hurt if you think about it any other way. I hope you have a great day and keep being strong.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
The 3 years that I lived alone in my little "girl cottage" as I came to call it were wonderful years of getting to know myself, of making my own decisions, of learning to appreciate coming home to calm, and peace and tranquility. During that time, my love was learning to live a life in recovery. I held fast to my boundaries and my peace, and we now have a wonderful life together. It's possible, but the most important thing I have learned is that I will be ok no matter what the future holds. And I hope the same for you. You are definitely on the right track. Rooting for you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by seekingcalm
The 3 years that I lived alone in my little "girl cottage" as I came to call it were wonderful years of getting to know myself, of making my own decisions, of learning to appreciate coming home to calm, and peace and tranquility. During that time, my love was learning to live a life in recovery. I held fast to my boundaries and my peace, and we now have a wonderful life together. It's possible, but the most important thing I have learned is that I will be ok no matter what the future holds. And I hope the same for you. You are definitely on the right track. Rooting for you!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Tri-Strong,
Two of the Al-Anon meetings I sometimes attend make regular use of this reading:
I find them to be very true. 
Two of the Al-Anon meetings I sometimes attend make regular use of this reading:
The Al-Anon Gifts/ Promises - From Survival to Recovery (p269)
If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of The Twelve Steps and work the program, our lives will be transformed. Members work their program by being willing to attend meetings on a regular basis, reading Al-Anon/Alateen literature, getting a sponsor, working toward applying the 12 Steps of recovery to their lives and by becoming involved in Al-Anon Service work as they begin to recover.
1. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential.
2. We will discover that we are both, worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.
3. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth
4. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents.
5. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others.
6. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but will not be slaves to them.
7. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
8. As we gain the ability to forgive our families, the world, and ourselves our choices will expand.
9. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
10. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us, as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with G-ds ease, balance, and grace.
11. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in lifes paradox, mystery, and awe.
12. We will laugh more.
13. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness. Then we suddenly begin to notice these gifts appearing. We see them in those who walk beside us. Sometimes slowly or haltingly, occasionally in great bursts of brilliance, those who work The Steps change and grow toward light, toward health, and toward their Higher Power. Watching others, we realize this is also possible for us.
If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of The Twelve Steps and work the program, our lives will be transformed. Members work their program by being willing to attend meetings on a regular basis, reading Al-Anon/Alateen literature, getting a sponsor, working toward applying the 12 Steps of recovery to their lives and by becoming involved in Al-Anon Service work as they begin to recover.
1. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential.
2. We will discover that we are both, worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.
3. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth
4. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents.
5. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others.
6. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but will not be slaves to them.
7. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.
8. As we gain the ability to forgive our families, the world, and ourselves our choices will expand.
9. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.
10. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us, as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with G-ds ease, balance, and grace.
11. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in lifes paradox, mystery, and awe.
12. We will laugh more.
13. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
Can we really grow to such proportions? Only if we accept life as a continuing process of maturation and evolution toward wholeness. Then we suddenly begin to notice these gifts appearing. We see them in those who walk beside us. Sometimes slowly or haltingly, occasionally in great bursts of brilliance, those who work The Steps change and grow toward light, toward health, and toward their Higher Power. Watching others, we realize this is also possible for us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by Mango212
Hi Tri-Strong,
Two of the Al-Anon meetings I sometimes attend make regular use of this reading:
I find them to be very true.
Two of the Al-Anon meetings I sometimes attend make regular use of this reading:
I find them to be very true.
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