Symbolic furniture
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Symbolic furniture
Came back from 4 nights away and the bedroom has been rearranged and bedside table cleared out. Came home today and the bedside table is gone.
He has been sleeping in the spare room for months, but even so, Im quite upset. It seems very symbolic.
There's a gaping space and i feel like we have separated. But NO discussion about it.
I told a family member, and I wont repeat his language, but needless to say it started with F and ended in ' ken ridiculous'.
Ive completely lost my perspective on what is normal now. This is completely unacceptable behaviour if i look at it logically...im a bit numb really. But underneath it all - gutted.
He has been sleeping in the spare room for months, but even so, Im quite upset. It seems very symbolic.
There's a gaping space and i feel like we have separated. But NO discussion about it.
I told a family member, and I wont repeat his language, but needless to say it started with F and ended in ' ken ridiculous'.
Ive completely lost my perspective on what is normal now. This is completely unacceptable behaviour if i look at it logically...im a bit numb really. But underneath it all - gutted.
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Wombaticus…..concerning "what is normal"......what has been the tradition, in your marriage, for moving furniture?
Do you always talk, together about the placement of furniture?
In most of the marriages that I know....it seems to be the woman who spearheads such decisions....but, I know of a few where the male does take on such a decision, if he sees fit.
I have a nephew who is a stay at home dad, for two small children...and, he makes a lot of these kinds of domestic decisions, all of the time....
My husband has a nephew who does the same.....
could it be that this is so disturbing because it brings into sharper focus tht there is a lot of conflict in your marriage.....and, your goal has been to restore a marriage which you have described as "deteriorating"?
I think that even though we m ight know that something that we fear is coming....we are still feel the emotional impact when it actually does happens.....
Yes, I imagine that you are in shock.....as, I suspect that you have held onto hope that he would "snap out of it" and the marriage would go in a positive direction.....
I agree that it is, probably, just the symbolism of it...after all, rearrangement of bedroom furniture, in itself, usually doesn't shatter a person's life...…
***by the way....did he give an explanation of why he moved the furniture around? Did you ask him?
Do you always talk, together about the placement of furniture?
In most of the marriages that I know....it seems to be the woman who spearheads such decisions....but, I know of a few where the male does take on such a decision, if he sees fit.
I have a nephew who is a stay at home dad, for two small children...and, he makes a lot of these kinds of domestic decisions, all of the time....
My husband has a nephew who does the same.....
could it be that this is so disturbing because it brings into sharper focus tht there is a lot of conflict in your marriage.....and, your goal has been to restore a marriage which you have described as "deteriorating"?
I think that even though we m ight know that something that we fear is coming....we are still feel the emotional impact when it actually does happens.....
Yes, I imagine that you are in shock.....as, I suspect that you have held onto hope that he would "snap out of it" and the marriage would go in a positive direction.....
I agree that it is, probably, just the symbolism of it...after all, rearrangement of bedroom furniture, in itself, usually doesn't shatter a person's life...…
***by the way....did he give an explanation of why he moved the furniture around? Did you ask him?
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I know that I sometimes get complacent with the status quo, and I tell myself, okay, if this is it, then I can handle it--and then when someone else makes a change, my illusion of control over my life is threatened.
It feels like sleeping in the spare room for months was the real separation, wasn't it?
A table is just a table, even though at the moment its loss is forcing you to acknowledge that the state of your marriage is not where you want it to be.
If it is your room, where you sleep, maybe you can carve out some time to make it your ideal sanctuary. Get a new table. New pillows, new sheets, etc. See what it feels like when you prioritize what you want and have actual control over your environment.
It feels like sleeping in the spare room for months was the real separation, wasn't it?
A table is just a table, even though at the moment its loss is forcing you to acknowledge that the state of your marriage is not where you want it to be.
If it is your room, where you sleep, maybe you can carve out some time to make it your ideal sanctuary. Get a new table. New pillows, new sheets, etc. See what it feels like when you prioritize what you want and have actual control over your environment.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
I've been in a situation where things started to be separated (inanimate objects) and I'm thinking, why is this even necessary?
But it was necessary to the other person and of course, I got it but I still wasn't overly enamoured with the idea - so I just stood back and let it happen because - not my side of the street and generally understandable.
So he's sitting there thinking, why don't I have a night stand or have my old night stand? I've been sleeping in this spare room for months. It kind of makes sense.
Is it a move for more independence and pulling away or simply practical? I'd ask him why he did that.
I guess you two are still working on resolving the issues, or issue of drinking and that there has been no resolution to date?
But it was necessary to the other person and of course, I got it but I still wasn't overly enamoured with the idea - so I just stood back and let it happen because - not my side of the street and generally understandable.
So he's sitting there thinking, why don't I have a night stand or have my old night stand? I've been sleeping in this spare room for months. It kind of makes sense.
Is it a move for more independence and pulling away or simply practical? I'd ask him why he did that.
I guess you two are still working on resolving the issues, or issue of drinking and that there has been no resolution to date?
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When my AXH and I were separated but still living in the same house, I stayed in the master bedroom and he stayed in the spare room. I rearranged the bedroom because it felt upsetting to have it the way it was when we shared it.
I went away for a week and when I came home, he had put the my bedroom back the way it had been when it was "ours"...( AND he had thrown out both my toothbrushes!!!)... it felt like a violation to me. I asked him why he did that and he couldn't (or wouldn't) answer me... he said he didn't know why.
I can only assume it was some kind of control or power play. Maybe it was some stupid thing he did just because he was drunk. I'll never know. It was weird... and the toothbrush thing...wth was that?... tossing me out maybe?.. I dunno...drunks are dumb.
Sorry for the weirdness W. I remember it well. It sucks.
I went away for a week and when I came home, he had put the my bedroom back the way it had been when it was "ours"...( AND he had thrown out both my toothbrushes!!!)... it felt like a violation to me. I asked him why he did that and he couldn't (or wouldn't) answer me... he said he didn't know why.
I can only assume it was some kind of control or power play. Maybe it was some stupid thing he did just because he was drunk. I'll never know. It was weird... and the toothbrush thing...wth was that?... tossing me out maybe?.. I dunno...drunks are dumb.
Sorry for the weirdness W. I remember it well. It sucks.
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this is slightly off track....but, I am amazed to hear of all of this moving stuff by men...because, honestly, I have never had a man, under our roof, move ANYTHING without me prodding and, sometimes, begging...…
for a man to willingly move anything of their own accord...except for the "man stuff" in the garage.....is l ike something from another planet, for me....!....lol.....
for a man to willingly move anything of their own accord...except for the "man stuff" in the garage.....is l ike something from another planet, for me....!....lol.....
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Originally Posted by Wombaticus 
Came back from 4 nights away and the bedroom has been rearranged and bedside table cleared out. Came home today and the bedside table is gone.
He has been sleeping in the spare room for months, but even so, Im quite upset. It seems very symbolic.
There's a gaping space and i feel like we have separated. But NO discussion about it.
I told a family member, and I wont repeat his language, but needless to say it started with F and ended in ' ken ridiculous'.
Ive completely lost my perspective on what is normal now. This is completely unacceptable behaviour if i look at it logically...im a bit numb really. But underneath it all - gutted.
He has been sleeping in the spare room for months, but even so, Im quite upset. It seems very symbolic.
There's a gaping space and i feel like we have separated. But NO discussion about it.
I told a family member, and I wont repeat his language, but needless to say it started with F and ended in ' ken ridiculous'.
Ive completely lost my perspective on what is normal now. This is completely unacceptable behaviour if i look at it logically...im a bit numb really. But underneath it all - gutted.
The moving of the bedroom furniture and taking of the night stand. Does seem like he is trying to distances himself from the relationships. You could ask him, but who knows if you will get an honest answer. Normal moved out when alcoholic moved in.
Sorry you feel gutted and numb. This feeling will past. Just realized you are dealing with an alcoholic their are going to be surprise and anything to make you feel like your not incontrol. Just keep being strong. Have a great day.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Wombaticus…..concerning "what is normal"......what has been the tradition, in your marriage, for moving furniture?
Do you always talk, together about the placement of furniture?
In most of the marriages that I know....it seems to be the woman who spearheads such decisions....but, I know of a few where the male does take on such a decision, if he sees fit.
I have a nephew who is a stay at home dad, for two small children...and, he makes a lot of these kinds of domestic decisions, all of the time....
My husband has a nephew who does the same.....
could it be that this is so disturbing because it brings into sharper focus tht there is a lot of conflict in your marriage.....and, your goal has been to restore a marriage which you have described as "deteriorating"?
I think that even though we m ight know that something that we fear is coming....we are still feel the emotional impact when it actually does happens.....
Yes, I imagine that you are in shock.....as, I suspect that you have held onto hope that he would "snap out of it" and the marriage would go in a positive direction.....
I agree that it is, probably, just the symbolism of it...after all, rearrangement of bedroom furniture, in itself, usually doesn't shatter a person's life...…
***by the way....did he give an explanation of why he moved the furniture around? Did you ask him?
Do you always talk, together about the placement of furniture?
In most of the marriages that I know....it seems to be the woman who spearheads such decisions....but, I know of a few where the male does take on such a decision, if he sees fit.
I have a nephew who is a stay at home dad, for two small children...and, he makes a lot of these kinds of domestic decisions, all of the time....
My husband has a nephew who does the same.....
could it be that this is so disturbing because it brings into sharper focus tht there is a lot of conflict in your marriage.....and, your goal has been to restore a marriage which you have described as "deteriorating"?
I think that even though we m ight know that something that we fear is coming....we are still feel the emotional impact when it actually does happens.....
Yes, I imagine that you are in shock.....as, I suspect that you have held onto hope that he would "snap out of it" and the marriage would go in a positive direction.....
I agree that it is, probably, just the symbolism of it...after all, rearrangement of bedroom furniture, in itself, usually doesn't shatter a person's life...…
***by the way....did he give an explanation of why he moved the furniture around? Did you ask him?
A few weeks ago he suggested we move my desk into the bedroom so i could set up a computer station i could access when he was asleep/in the spare room. I acknowledged the idea, but after processing what that meant, didn't go ahead, wanting to discuss it more. Part of me knew that was going to be futile to talk about. He just makes his mind up and thats that. He wanted my computer out of his space so he could have a proper bedroom.
So yes, I am partly to blame for not speaking up.
Its that we keep giving lip service to improving our relationship and he has further withdrawn. I won't sleep in the same room as him when he drinks, and he won't give up drinking.
This has been an issue for years. 'After X happens i will be less stressed ...' , 'after the children are sleeping through...'. Its not that i need him right next to me, but I actually really, really want to fall asleep with someone's arm around me (I'm crying now). Its about knowing someone has your back, that you're in this world together, that after the best and worst days, you have a safe place. He can't give me that.
We haven't sat together on the couch, held hands or hugged for no reason for years. I have filled my life with practical tasks and being busy to cover up my sadness. To get out of my heart, and into my head where I can justify, argue, defend, explain- make sense of whats happening. Now i just want to feel what I feel. Sadness and disappointment.
I am sure he doesn't know what to do to move forward, but he won't go to counselling, can't respond when i say how devastated I am (as I did last night).
I am still committed to making our relationship work, but equally I know that the hope of that is fading very fast. Its not about the furniture.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
If it is your room, where you sleep, maybe you can carve out some time to make it your ideal sanctuary. Get a new table. New pillows, new sheets, etc. See what it feels like when you prioritize what you want and have actual control over your environment.
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Originally Posted by TriStrong
Big, big hugs Wombaticus. What you want is what all people should have. I hope your AH wakes up and realizes that he is missing some of life's sweetest moments.
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Wombaticus,
You are good enough. The time you spent holding hands, being next to him. This can make you feel like there is a chance. You are a good person who does deserve to go to sleep with the peace of an arm around you. To know you can relax and know you are safe. You will get that again. Be strong. Have a great day.
You are good enough. The time you spent holding hands, being next to him. This can make you feel like there is a chance. You are a good person who does deserve to go to sleep with the peace of an arm around you. To know you can relax and know you are safe. You will get that again. Be strong. Have a great day.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Wombaticus
I am still committed to making our relationship work, but equally I know that the hope of that is fading very fast. Its not about the furniture.
It's not in your control, well he isn't.
Are you maybe waiting to get to the point where you don't care as much anymore? Do you feel yourself detaching (no need to answer here, of course).
The reason I ask is because you seem to be sitting on the fence here. Now, there is nothing wrong with that IF you are happy fence sitting! If you don't mind not being in a truly fulfilling relationship that you want and just have a roommate shifting furniture about.
The only thing that will, potentially, make you feel better and get you out of this is to make a decision. Stay or go. Now, that doesn't mean, should you decide to make that move, that you need to go flying out the door, I'm sure there are a lot of practical matters to be considered.
Until then, this is your life and it's not changing. You can show him all the caring in the world, you can not "allow" him to have his own space by keeping your computer in his room, but it's not going to help you (or him).
You make the rules, you expect him to respect them but you aren't giving him any say. He wants your computer out of what has become his room and you say no, because you want to stay in the illusion of a relationship that you want, not because it's what's really happening.
Two options, accept his drinking or not, however not accepting it doesn't really entail punishing him for his decision perhaps?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, it is fading, you seem to be getting further away from what you want, not closer to it.
It's not in your control, well he isn't.
Are you maybe waiting to get to the point where you don't care as much anymore? Do you feel yourself detaching (no need to answer here, of course).
The reason I ask is because you seem to be sitting on the fence here. Now, there is nothing wrong with that IF you are happy fence sitting! If you don't mind not being in a truly fulfilling relationship that you want and just have a roommate shifting furniture about.
The only thing that will, potentially, make you feel better and get you out of this is to make a decision. Stay or go. Now, that doesn't mean, should you decide to make that move, that you need to go flying out the door, I'm sure there are a lot of practical matters to be considered.
Until then, this is your life and it's not changing. You can show him all the caring in the world, you can not "allow" him to have his own space by keeping your computer in his room, but it's not going to help you (or him).
You make the rules, you expect him to respect them but you aren't giving him any say. He wants your computer out of what has become his room and you say no, because you want to stay in the illusion of a relationship that you want, not because it's what's really happening.
Two options, accept his drinking or not, however not accepting it doesn't really entail punishing him for his decision perhaps?
It's not in your control, well he isn't.
Are you maybe waiting to get to the point where you don't care as much anymore? Do you feel yourself detaching (no need to answer here, of course).
The reason I ask is because you seem to be sitting on the fence here. Now, there is nothing wrong with that IF you are happy fence sitting! If you don't mind not being in a truly fulfilling relationship that you want and just have a roommate shifting furniture about.
The only thing that will, potentially, make you feel better and get you out of this is to make a decision. Stay or go. Now, that doesn't mean, should you decide to make that move, that you need to go flying out the door, I'm sure there are a lot of practical matters to be considered.
Until then, this is your life and it's not changing. You can show him all the caring in the world, you can not "allow" him to have his own space by keeping your computer in his room, but it's not going to help you (or him).
You make the rules, you expect him to respect them but you aren't giving him any say. He wants your computer out of what has become his room and you say no, because you want to stay in the illusion of a relationship that you want, not because it's what's really happening.
Two options, accept his drinking or not, however not accepting it doesn't really entail punishing him for his decision perhaps?
I had a very clear chance to move in another direction this week (as per my other thread), but didnt take it. I knew that would sabotage everything, and ultimately i would have to live with my actions.
So, im still hoping because i dont want it to end.
Weve just had another big fight where its all my fault. I pointed out that drinking was a problem and there was a change of subject.
We just can't communicate. There's a lot of anger on both sides.
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Yes. You know, this is the "natural" version of detaching. We talk about it a lot here and basically that is a way of doing, what is going to happen anyway, faster and in theory saving yourself a lot of pain.
It's pretty impossible not to detach in these situations, it's a normal reaction to the pain of a relationship or anything (horrible work situation) that is causing you emotional distress.
The different "vibe" you questioned the other day. Were you really asking if you are giving off a more open vibe rather than I am married keep your distance vibe? Probably. So glad you stuck by your boundary as I know you are.
The arguing and fighting is pointless, it gets you no where, as you also already know. The only way you can really sort this out is to put down your weapons (defenses), that's it. Again, if he won't, if you ask him to and he won't, if you can't sit there and lay it all on the table, then it's just another argument going nowhere.
It's a terrible spot to be in, no question.
We always say you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. You can't. Your control over his drinking is zero. No amount of time or care or arguing will change that.
He is going to continue to drink whether you accept it or not. Accepting it is the only way you are ever going to find peace with him. Doesn't mean you have to think it's ok, just accept it is ok for HIM.
How that changes your decisions going forward is a separate issue. You can accept and stay, accept and leave, accept and continue to sit on the fence.
The acceptance is for your peace of mind only, to take you out of this stand-off.
It's pretty impossible not to detach in these situations, it's a normal reaction to the pain of a relationship or anything (horrible work situation) that is causing you emotional distress.
The different "vibe" you questioned the other day. Were you really asking if you are giving off a more open vibe rather than I am married keep your distance vibe? Probably. So glad you stuck by your boundary as I know you are.
The arguing and fighting is pointless, it gets you no where, as you also already know. The only way you can really sort this out is to put down your weapons (defenses), that's it. Again, if he won't, if you ask him to and he won't, if you can't sit there and lay it all on the table, then it's just another argument going nowhere.
It's a terrible spot to be in, no question.
We always say you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. You can't. Your control over his drinking is zero. No amount of time or care or arguing will change that.
He is going to continue to drink whether you accept it or not. Accepting it is the only way you are ever going to find peace with him. Doesn't mean you have to think it's ok, just accept it is ok for HIM.
How that changes your decisions going forward is a separate issue. You can accept and stay, accept and leave, accept and continue to sit on the fence.
The acceptance is for your peace of mind only, to take you out of this stand-off.
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As long as his addiction is running the show, no, I don't see how you will ever be able to communicate and work on your marriage.
You have made it clear that the drinking is a problem for you.
He continues to drink.
The furniture, the spare room--these are all just symptomatic of that central conflict. Trailmix is absolutely right. The only path free from your confusion is acceptance of where you are at right now.
You have made it clear that the drinking is a problem for you.
He continues to drink.
The furniture, the spare room--these are all just symptomatic of that central conflict. Trailmix is absolutely right. The only path free from your confusion is acceptance of where you are at right now.
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wombaticus….."I am still committed to making this relationship work". When you say "I can't commit to stay or go".....I would suggest that you are still living in the decision to stay in the relationship.....at this moment in time. No decision can still be a decision, within itself.
I, also, suggest that there is no way for one partner to "make a relationship work". A relationship is a dynamic interchange between two people---like a tango....in which, the needs of both people are satisfied....
Wombaticus, if you can find the secret of how one person can make a relationship "work", when, the other person is unwilling (or can't) do their part....please let it be known....because, you will be o n every talk show...and sell a gazillion books...….LOL.....
I suspect that your current tears and sadness and anger are a part of your beginning of grieving the loss of what you wanted the relationship to provide.....the good stuff that you talked about....
From what I have seen...some people grieve it before they leave it...and, others don't really grieve until they leave....
Either way...we humans are wired to grieve significant losses. No matter what....Grief will have it's own way.
From what you share...your husband sounds like a brick wall...in terms of attitude and personality style. Brick wall personalities don't tend to change...pretty much like brick and mortar brick walls.....
I think that the first step of dealing with a brick wall is to recognize that it is a brick wall. "Drats!This brick wall is not moving. I must think of another way".
Same way with beating a dead horse. "Gosh, this horse hasn't moved since I started beating it".....
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...A&pc=EUPP_UE04
I, also, suggest that there is no way for one partner to "make a relationship work". A relationship is a dynamic interchange between two people---like a tango....in which, the needs of both people are satisfied....
Wombaticus, if you can find the secret of how one person can make a relationship "work", when, the other person is unwilling (or can't) do their part....please let it be known....because, you will be o n every talk show...and sell a gazillion books...….LOL.....
I suspect that your current tears and sadness and anger are a part of your beginning of grieving the loss of what you wanted the relationship to provide.....the good stuff that you talked about....
From what I have seen...some people grieve it before they leave it...and, others don't really grieve until they leave....
Either way...we humans are wired to grieve significant losses. No matter what....Grief will have it's own way.
From what you share...your husband sounds like a brick wall...in terms of attitude and personality style. Brick wall personalities don't tend to change...pretty much like brick and mortar brick walls.....
I think that the first step of dealing with a brick wall is to recognize that it is a brick wall. "Drats!This brick wall is not moving. I must think of another way".
Same way with beating a dead horse. "Gosh, this horse hasn't moved since I started beating it".....
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...A&pc=EUPP_UE04
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Thanks all. I'm not in a good place. He's told me he doesn't want to hear about my work or study, and we have to talk about other things. I agree with talking about a braod range of topics, but i can't change who i am. I shouldn't have to filter what i say. By the time ive thought throughh "cant talk about work/study, that funny incident because he thinks i had an affair with that person (ive never had an affair),.....I'm feeling v despondent.
He's making some great suggestions about regular catch ups, but I cant commit to those if i cant first stop feeling angry.
aarrrgggghhhhhhhhhh
He's making some great suggestions about regular catch ups, but I cant commit to those if i cant first stop feeling angry.
aarrrgggghhhhhhhhhh
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Having to filter what you say because he has decided he doesn't want to hear about certain topics is at least controlling and at best incredibly dismissive. That's the alcoholism talking, isn't that lovely.
When you say ideas for catch ups you mean like a date you two could go out on or topics of conversation?
When you say ideas for catch ups you mean like a date you two could go out on or topics of conversation?
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[QUOTE=trailmix;7293075]Having to filter what you say because he has decided he doesn't want to hear about certain topics is at least controlling and at best incredibly dismissive. That's the alcoholism talking, isn't that lovely.
When you say ideas for catch ups you mean like a date you two could go out on or topics of conversation?[/QUOTE
meeting me for lunch, or h aving dinner together. Both lovely ideas, but i might need a list of appropriate conversation topics written on my palm/on a flash card (huge eye roll).
When you say ideas for catch ups you mean like a date you two could go out on or topics of conversation?[/QUOTE
meeting me for lunch, or h aving dinner together. Both lovely ideas, but i might need a list of appropriate conversation topics written on my palm/on a flash card (huge eye roll).
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