Going down the what if path...
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Join Date: Oct 2019
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Going down the what if path...
I went to my first Al Anon meeting on monday. The set up was different then I thought it would be. I opened up a little. We read a passage out of a book and talked about how it made us feel. It was weird, I felt guilt and shame. My SO has been initating contact with escorts and has been on tinder. When I found out I was feeled with so many emotions. My health and the safety of my son were the top. But I wanted him to tell me why. I blamed myself. Then I blamed him. I wanted to call his parents and tell them about all the hurt their son has caused me. I did none of that. I left for a few days and then I came back. We currently arent speaking. He left his bottle out and my son got into it. He didn't drink it. Just almost broke a glass bottle of tequil . My SO thought I was being dramatic when I told him to be more vigilant about moving his crap. I also found a note that I wrote him to years ago asking him to go to AA, for the sake of our family. I have so much anger in my soul toward him. I wanna release that.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Hi allwaysontime, the last time you posted you had left, stating you deserve better (which you and your child most certainly do), why did you go back?
You have an alcoholic Husband that sleeps with other women, leaves his tequila out where your Son can reach it, is disrespectful to you and treats you very badly.
I would really recommend you call your local Domestic Violence center or call the main line to talk to them at 1-800-799-7233 - explain to them what is going on in your life (don't hold back, they are there to help), they will be able to advise you and let you know where local counseling services are etc.
I'm so glad you got to the Al-Anon meeting. No need to feel guilty or shameful - you are not your Husband's keeper. His poor behaviour is all on him, nothing to do with you.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
You have an alcoholic Husband that sleeps with other women, leaves his tequila out where your Son can reach it, is disrespectful to you and treats you very badly.
I would really recommend you call your local Domestic Violence center or call the main line to talk to them at 1-800-799-7233 - explain to them what is going on in your life (don't hold back, they are there to help), they will be able to advise you and let you know where local counseling services are etc.
I'm so glad you got to the Al-Anon meeting. No need to feel guilty or shameful - you are not your Husband's keeper. His poor behaviour is all on him, nothing to do with you.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 17
Hi trailmix,
Im not sure why I went back. Mostly because sleeping on a friends couch with a 2 year old isnt ideal. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to not go back. I'm really tired. Have you ever just been tired?
Im not sure why I went back. Mostly because sleeping on a friends couch with a 2 year old isnt ideal. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to not go back. I'm really tired. Have you ever just been tired?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Another poster, I forget whom, once proposed "Maybe this is the best that they can do." I really wish I remember who it was, because when I get the angriest at my sister, this phrase calms me down. Maybe this is the best your husband can do.
I know that my own sister, even though we were raised in the same house, ended up with an entirely different set of circumstances than I did. With the phrase, "Maybe this is the best..." I can still love my sister while giving me latitude NOT to tolerate her life choices. It also means that I give myself permission to deal with her as an addict. I won't expect her to show up on time because it's the best that she can do. I won't expect her to ever help me with my aging parents because what she's doing right now is the best that she can do. I won't expect her to house and feed her own children because her current living arrangement is the best that I can do (This is tough, because for years she would talk about how abusive my parents were, yet in a heartbeat dump her kids off with them with barely any notice when she was doing whatever she was doing.)
The one I still struggle with is her denying that we were ever physically abused by our caretaker and that I was lying. Because I'm now limited contact with my sister I no longer have to tolerate situations where she tries to engineer a "reunion" between our caretaker and myself. I cannot tell you the overload of anxiety that would course through my veins whenever that happened.
So the "Maybe the best..." phrase doesn't make things easy, but it makes things _easier_ to accept. And after you get to the point of accepting that whatever you hoped for isn't going to happen on your timeline, then the reckoning begins. Are you willing to live with the best that your husband can do? If this is the best he can do for the next ten years, during your child's most vulnerable period, what are you willing to live with? What will your child learn from your AH during this time?
I know that my own sister, even though we were raised in the same house, ended up with an entirely different set of circumstances than I did. With the phrase, "Maybe this is the best..." I can still love my sister while giving me latitude NOT to tolerate her life choices. It also means that I give myself permission to deal with her as an addict. I won't expect her to show up on time because it's the best that she can do. I won't expect her to ever help me with my aging parents because what she's doing right now is the best that she can do. I won't expect her to house and feed her own children because her current living arrangement is the best that I can do (This is tough, because for years she would talk about how abusive my parents were, yet in a heartbeat dump her kids off with them with barely any notice when she was doing whatever she was doing.)
The one I still struggle with is her denying that we were ever physically abused by our caretaker and that I was lying. Because I'm now limited contact with my sister I no longer have to tolerate situations where she tries to engineer a "reunion" between our caretaker and myself. I cannot tell you the overload of anxiety that would course through my veins whenever that happened.
So the "Maybe the best..." phrase doesn't make things easy, but it makes things _easier_ to accept. And after you get to the point of accepting that whatever you hoped for isn't going to happen on your timeline, then the reckoning begins. Are you willing to live with the best that your husband can do? If this is the best he can do for the next ten years, during your child's most vulnerable period, what are you willing to live with? What will your child learn from your AH during this time?
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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Allwaysontime,
You are going down the "what if path" that almost all of us have gone down. We try and look back on our life and think where did I screw up. What could I have done differently to not be in the spot I am now. The issue is not with you (I), you were a loving wife, the mother of his child, and you were a good person. You were the best person you could be to him. The issue is he valued alcohol over his family. Alcohol is a progressive disease. You tried to get him to go to AA. If he doesn't want to save himself, their is nothing you can do. He has shown you with his action what he values.
I know you are tired. You have been through a lot. Just having a two year old to take care of and watch is a lot. But you are having to deal with your AH how doesn't care about what he leave out that his son could get into. Sleeping with other women, just not caring about his family. You deserve so much more for yourself. Do like trailmix says and call the Domestic Violence hotline. they will be able to help you out.
I know you say you don't think you are strong enough. Look at your beautiful son and realize that you are. You need to look after the both of you. Your safety and well being are your top priority. You will get through this. It doesn't happen over night, but it will happen. You have to take it one day at a time. We are here to help you. You are not alone. Please, seek us for advice. Their are a lot of people who have gone through what you are going through and can help. Be strong and may your day be beautiful.
Song of the week: Lauren Daigle "Rescue"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYR0xP1j4PY
You are going down the "what if path" that almost all of us have gone down. We try and look back on our life and think where did I screw up. What could I have done differently to not be in the spot I am now. The issue is not with you (I), you were a loving wife, the mother of his child, and you were a good person. You were the best person you could be to him. The issue is he valued alcohol over his family. Alcohol is a progressive disease. You tried to get him to go to AA. If he doesn't want to save himself, their is nothing you can do. He has shown you with his action what he values.
I know you are tired. You have been through a lot. Just having a two year old to take care of and watch is a lot. But you are having to deal with your AH how doesn't care about what he leave out that his son could get into. Sleeping with other women, just not caring about his family. You deserve so much more for yourself. Do like trailmix says and call the Domestic Violence hotline. they will be able to help you out.
I know you say you don't think you are strong enough. Look at your beautiful son and realize that you are. You need to look after the both of you. Your safety and well being are your top priority. You will get through this. It doesn't happen over night, but it will happen. You have to take it one day at a time. We are here to help you. You are not alone. Please, seek us for advice. Their are a lot of people who have gone through what you are going through and can help. Be strong and may your day be beautiful.
Song of the week: Lauren Daigle "Rescue"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYR0xP1j4PY
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart 
Another poster, I forget whom, once proposed "Maybe this is the best that they can do." I really wish I remember who it was, because when I get the angriest at my sister, this phrase calms me down. Maybe this is the best your husband can do.
I know that my own sister, even though we were raised in the same house, ended up with an entirely different set of circumstances than I did. With the phrase, "Maybe this is the best..." I can still love my sister while giving me latitude NOT to tolerate her life choices. It also means that I give myself permission to deal with her as an addict. I won't expect her to show up on time because it's the best that she can do. I won't expect her to ever help me with my aging parents because what she's doing right now is the best that she can do. I won't expect her to house and feed her own children because her current living arrangement is the best that I can do (This is tough, because for years she would talk about how abusive my parents were, yet in a heartbeat dump her kids off with them with barely any notice when she was doing whatever she was doing.)
The one I still struggle with is her denying that we were ever physically abused by our caretaker and that I was lying. Because I'm now limited contact with my sister I no longer have to tolerate situations where she tries to engineer a "reunion" between our caretaker and myself. I cannot tell you the overload of anxiety that would course through my veins whenever that happened.
So the "Maybe the best..." phrase doesn't make things easy, but it makes things _easier_ to accept. And after you get to the point of accepting that whatever you hoped for isn't going to happen on your timeline, then the reckoning begins. Are you willing to live with the best that your husband can do? If this is the best he can do for the next ten years, during your child's most vulnerable period, what are you willing to live with? What will your child learn from your AH during this time?
I know that my own sister, even though we were raised in the same house, ended up with an entirely different set of circumstances than I did. With the phrase, "Maybe this is the best..." I can still love my sister while giving me latitude NOT to tolerate her life choices. It also means that I give myself permission to deal with her as an addict. I won't expect her to show up on time because it's the best that she can do. I won't expect her to ever help me with my aging parents because what she's doing right now is the best that she can do. I won't expect her to house and feed her own children because her current living arrangement is the best that I can do (This is tough, because for years she would talk about how abusive my parents were, yet in a heartbeat dump her kids off with them with barely any notice when she was doing whatever she was doing.)
The one I still struggle with is her denying that we were ever physically abused by our caretaker and that I was lying. Because I'm now limited contact with my sister I no longer have to tolerate situations where she tries to engineer a "reunion" between our caretaker and myself. I cannot tell you the overload of anxiety that would course through my veins whenever that happened.
So the "Maybe the best..." phrase doesn't make things easy, but it makes things _easier_ to accept. And after you get to the point of accepting that whatever you hoped for isn't going to happen on your timeline, then the reckoning begins. Are you willing to live with the best that your husband can do? If this is the best he can do for the next ten years, during your child's most vulnerable period, what are you willing to live with? What will your child learn from your AH during this time?
Thank you so much for this.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Yes, I know what you mean. Being in a situation like you are in now and actually getting yourself out of it is a BIG deal. It takes energy which you don't have right now. You sound defeated (and a bit depressed) and that is absolutely understandable. Living with an alcoholic will drain your emotionally.
This is where you can ask for help. It's a big burden and you are not alone. You have us and a whole network of people willing to help you and advise you (Al-Anon, DV as a start).
I don't know what your living situation is, whether you are renting or own your home, but how about asking him to leave? Is that a possibility? Ideally, as you have your child, he should be the one out sleeping on someone's couch - or wherever.
I don't know if he is violent or not but if so, tread carefully (and contact your DV center for more advice on leaving). There may be programs out there for you that they can assist with that you aren't even aware of.
Once you get that ball in motion you will find that you aren't quite as tired because you will have hope of getting out of this situation.
This is where you can ask for help. It's a big burden and you are not alone. You have us and a whole network of people willing to help you and advise you (Al-Anon, DV as a start).
I don't know what your living situation is, whether you are renting or own your home, but how about asking him to leave? Is that a possibility? Ideally, as you have your child, he should be the one out sleeping on someone's couch - or wherever.
I don't know if he is violent or not but if so, tread carefully (and contact your DV center for more advice on leaving). There may be programs out there for you that they can assist with that you aren't even aware of.
Once you get that ball in motion you will find that you aren't quite as tired because you will have hope of getting out of this situation.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree. I know you are tired. I know it's hard. I know you are worn out. However, nothing will change unless YOU make the changes. He has shown he sure is not.
Change can be hard, but it also can be the best thing to ever happen to you. Said from someone who has went through it.
Sending huge hugs.
Change can be hard, but it also can be the best thing to ever happen to you. Said from someone who has went through it.
Sending huge hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, I know what you mean. Being in a situation like you are in now and actually getting yourself out of it is a BIG deal. It takes energy which you don't have right now. You sound defeated (and a bit depressed) and that is absolutely understandable. Living with an alcoholic will drain your emotionally.
This is where you can ask for help. It's a big burden and you are not alone. You have us and a whole network of people willing to help you and advise you (Al-Anon, DV as a start).
I don't know what your living situation is, whether you are renting or own your home, but how about asking him to leave? Is that a possibility? Ideally, as you have your child, he should be the one out sleeping on someone's couch - or wherever.
I don't know if he is violent or not but if so, tread carefully (and contact your DV center for more advice on leaving). There may be programs out there for you that they can assist with that you aren't even aware of.
Once you get that ball in motion you will find that you aren't quite as tired because you will have hope of getting out of this situation.
This is where you can ask for help. It's a big burden and you are not alone. You have us and a whole network of people willing to help you and advise you (Al-Anon, DV as a start).
I don't know what your living situation is, whether you are renting or own your home, but how about asking him to leave? Is that a possibility? Ideally, as you have your child, he should be the one out sleeping on someone's couch - or wherever.
I don't know if he is violent or not but if so, tread carefully (and contact your DV center for more advice on leaving). There may be programs out there for you that they can assist with that you aren't even aware of.
Once you get that ball in motion you will find that you aren't quite as tired because you will have hope of getting out of this situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by oddsunflower
I needed this so badly today. I work so hard to compartmentalize my AH's addictions. "Maybe this is the best they can do..." This is his story. This is my new way of hearing myself and feeling empathy. I don't feel "sorry" for him anymore and this explains exactly what I DO feel.
Thank you so much for this.
Thank you so much for this.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
That's so great that you contacted the DV center. I know you will feel a sense of relief (or really hope you do) after talking to them. They have so much information available about different benefits and programs and therapy that can be so helpful to you.
It might take a short time to get it all sorted out but I truly hope YOU start to feel hope. It will get better.
It might take a short time to get it all sorted out but I truly hope YOU start to feel hope. It will get better.
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