Getting pulled back in
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Join Date: Oct 2019
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Getting pulled back in
My EXAH is being served papers today for sexually assaulting a woman. My brother's ex called me to warn me that he has been obsessing over me over the years. We've been divorced 8 years! She was worried that he would be extra crazy lately. After our divorce I had major surgery and he showed up in my hospital room, I never even told him I was unwell. Four or five years back a friend warned me he was stalking my car while it was parked at work and thinking of waiting in the parking lot for me to leave (at night, in the dark). I told HR and started parking in the locked garage.
To my knowledge he doesn't know where I live, work, or what car I drive. But I live in one of those cities where you run into people all over. And everybody seems to know everybody else even though it's not a small town. I'm going to be hyper vigilant. I'm so grateful that I have a job that moves me between 13 locations, some out of town, and a schedule that has no pattern. He'd have to drive all over the county to find me even if he knows who I work for.
Not sure what I'm looking for posting this, but the stress pit is back in my stomach I thought I was mostly past him. I actually joined to deal with my feelings over recent EXABF. Because I'm that person that keeps making the same mistake.
To my knowledge he doesn't know where I live, work, or what car I drive. But I live in one of those cities where you run into people all over. And everybody seems to know everybody else even though it's not a small town. I'm going to be hyper vigilant. I'm so grateful that I have a job that moves me between 13 locations, some out of town, and a schedule that has no pattern. He'd have to drive all over the county to find me even if he knows who I work for.
Not sure what I'm looking for posting this, but the stress pit is back in my stomach I thought I was mostly past him. I actually joined to deal with my feelings over recent EXABF. Because I'm that person that keeps making the same mistake.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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If you're lucky, he'll be put in jail for the assault and you won't have to worry. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I think if he knows where you work, and he wanted to confront you, he would have done it by now. However, keep your eyes open and be safe.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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Gingerpeach,
That is a lot to deal with right now. It sounds like you are safe from EXAH. You have taken alot of steps to make sure. Just keep on your gaurd like you have been all these years and you should be ok.
I'm sorry your feel like your making the same mistake with the EXABF. You are not making the same mistakes. Alcoholics are good about hiding their disease. All you did was meet a guy who seems pretty good and you wanted to get to know him better. If you were making the same mistakes he would not be your EX. You are smart and have learned your lesson from the EXAH and know your boundaries. There is a guy out their for you that will not be an alcoholic. Just be patient and keep your eyes open.
Have a great day and be strong.
That is a lot to deal with right now. It sounds like you are safe from EXAH. You have taken alot of steps to make sure. Just keep on your gaurd like you have been all these years and you should be ok.
I'm sorry your feel like your making the same mistake with the EXABF. You are not making the same mistakes. Alcoholics are good about hiding their disease. All you did was meet a guy who seems pretty good and you wanted to get to know him better. If you were making the same mistakes he would not be your EX. You are smart and have learned your lesson from the EXAH and know your boundaries. There is a guy out their for you that will not be an alcoholic. Just be patient and keep your eyes open.
Have a great day and be strong.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
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Thanks ironwill and newlife I completely believe that my EXAH did it based on his behavior toward me during the end years of our marriage. I told my Mom about the charges and her response was surprise because she said he was attractive why would he force someone when he could talk them into it. That's not how it works!!
I'm sure that he is dwelling in his poor me mindset. And telling everybody lies so he will still seem like a good guy. I know that there is nothing I could have done for the woman he assaulted but my mind has been pulled back into thinking about that relationship and all the abuse I tolerated before finally leaving. I really hope he goes to jail.
I can't help comparing my Exs. I continued dating the EXABF longer than I should have. Even asked him if I was being an ostrich by giving him several chances when he told me he wanted to quit. He lied to me right from the start. You are right, I got out of the relationship physically and I'm no contact. But I'm still mentally dwelling on what we could have been if he had been who he said he was. But he wasn't that person. What has worked for you to stop the loop in your head?
I'm sure that he is dwelling in his poor me mindset. And telling everybody lies so he will still seem like a good guy. I know that there is nothing I could have done for the woman he assaulted but my mind has been pulled back into thinking about that relationship and all the abuse I tolerated before finally leaving. I really hope he goes to jail.
I can't help comparing my Exs. I continued dating the EXABF longer than I should have. Even asked him if I was being an ostrich by giving him several chances when he told me he wanted to quit. He lied to me right from the start. You are right, I got out of the relationship physically and I'm no contact. But I'm still mentally dwelling on what we could have been if he had been who he said he was. But he wasn't that person. What has worked for you to stop the loop in your head?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Originally Posted by Gingerpeach 
My EXAH is being served papers today for sexually assaulting a woman. My brother's ex called me to warn me that he has been obsessing over me over the years. We've been divorced 8 years! She was worried that he would be extra crazy lately. After our divorce I had major surgery and he showed up in my hospital room, I never even told him I was unwell. Four or five years back a friend warned me he was stalking my car while it was parked at work and thinking of waiting in the parking lot for me to leave (at night, in the dark). I told HR and started parking in the locked garage.
To my knowledge he doesn't know where I live, work, or what car I drive. But I live in one of those cities where you run into people all over. And everybody seems to know everybody else even though it's not a small town. I'm going to be hyper vigilant. I'm so grateful that I have a job that moves me between 13 locations, some out of town, and a schedule that has no pattern. He'd have to drive all over the county to find me even if he knows who I work for.
Not sure what I'm looking for posting this, but the stress pit is back in my stomach I thought I was mostly past him. I actually joined to deal with my feelings over recent EXABF. Because I'm that person that keeps making the same mistake.
To my knowledge he doesn't know where I live, work, or what car I drive. But I live in one of those cities where you run into people all over. And everybody seems to know everybody else even though it's not a small town. I'm going to be hyper vigilant. I'm so grateful that I have a job that moves me between 13 locations, some out of town, and a schedule that has no pattern. He'd have to drive all over the county to find me even if he knows who I work for.
Not sure what I'm looking for posting this, but the stress pit is back in my stomach I thought I was mostly past him. I actually joined to deal with my feelings over recent EXABF. Because I'm that person that keeps making the same mistake.
I'm glad you live a stalking resistant lifestyle .
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Gingerpeach,
I know right now you not with any Alcoholic, but you might want to consider doing some Al-Anon meeting to help you out. They will give you the tools you need to overcome these loops you are in. I know it has helped me a lot.
It's hard to overcome a dream that you had in your head. You picture this great guy from what he has told you from the start. Alcoholics now how too manipulate you into thinking they are the greatest thing since slice bread. We want to believe that they want to change, for the better, for us. It can happen, but they have to be 100% committed to doing it. You have learned from your EXAH the signs to look for in an alcoholic relationship and have used them with the EXABF. You should be proud of yourself for moving on. You will break this cycle and find someone. Don't give up and stay strong. Have a great day.
I know right now you not with any Alcoholic, but you might want to consider doing some Al-Anon meeting to help you out. They will give you the tools you need to overcome these loops you are in. I know it has helped me a lot.
It's hard to overcome a dream that you had in your head. You picture this great guy from what he has told you from the start. Alcoholics now how too manipulate you into thinking they are the greatest thing since slice bread. We want to believe that they want to change, for the better, for us. It can happen, but they have to be 100% committed to doing it. You have learned from your EXAH the signs to look for in an alcoholic relationship and have used them with the EXABF. You should be proud of yourself for moving on. You will break this cycle and find someone. Don't give up and stay strong. Have a great day.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Well...
Originally Posted by Gingerpeach
What has worked for you to stop the loop in your head?
To this day, put a ****** up woman in front of me, especially if she's a single mother and/or in some kind of trouble, and I'm going to be attracted to her. I dumped a beautiful ivy league grad, with a loving stable family, and no evidence of mental illness, for a single, bi-polar divorcee with limited job prospects. This is not a joke. I can't ******* believe my stupidity.
Good luck to you.
C-
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Gingerpeach
Because I'm that person that keeps making the same mistake.
Was trying to talk myself into going to an Alanon meeting, too ashamed to even drive there.
Stay safe, ok?
E
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 47
The EXAH was legally served for the sexual assault and decided to end his life. I'm feeling very confused about my grief for my abuser. I normally hold things inside but have decided that would be me still protecting him and am sharing with close friends and family. I met with a friend that knew him when we were an us. I haven't allowed myself the think about the good times in a long time. I had that list of all the horrible things he did to me at the forefront of my mind to keep me moving forward. I really did love him at one point and I know he loved me in the beginning too. He just ruined everything he touched. I remember a friend telling me a couple of years ago that he had told her I was the love of his life and me glibly responding that he was not the love of mine. That seems so harsh in my mind now. I am grieving the man he used to be before his alcoholism took over and he became abusive. I am grieving the life we were supposed to have.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Gingerpeach,
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I'm glad you are talking with friends. You need to be around people you can talk to. It will help you get through this. You did love him and the alcohol demon took him him away from you. You are confused but don't feel bad for things you said in the past. Grieve for the man you use to know and know the hurt that you have in your heart will fade with time. Be strong and we are here for you. You are not alone.
Song of the week: Lauren Daigle "Rescue"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYR0xP1j4PY
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I'm glad you are talking with friends. You need to be around people you can talk to. It will help you get through this. You did love him and the alcohol demon took him him away from you. You are confused but don't feel bad for things you said in the past. Grieve for the man you use to know and know the hurt that you have in your heart will fade with time. Be strong and we are here for you. You are not alone.
Song of the week: Lauren Daigle "Rescue"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYR0xP1j4PY
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Ah Ginger. That is brutal in a complicated way. Grieving is always tough but grieving the loss of a toxic person is tough and weird.
I suppose whatever his suffering was it is now over and he will not hurt anyone again. Still the "what could have beens" are quite real in our heart of hearts where the most important realities live.
You probably know that Sasha has a thread chronicling her life and feelings since the death of her XAH. If you haven't read it, it may be worth a look over.
Big hugs and let the feelings come no matter what they are . . .ugh. Not fun.
I suppose whatever his suffering was it is now over and he will not hurt anyone again. Still the "what could have beens" are quite real in our heart of hearts where the most important realities live.
You probably know that Sasha has a thread chronicling her life and feelings since the death of her XAH. If you haven't read it, it may be worth a look over.
Big hugs and let the feelings come no matter what they are . . .ugh. Not fun.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
Gingerpeach -
I am so sorry to hear this has happened.
I was abused during a (short) marriage too... I'm not sure how I would react to finding out he had passed.
Anything I could think of to say would be trite anyway.
Just the fact that you have good memories says something about the time you were with him. It wasn't all bad, just ended badly.
E
I am so sorry to hear this has happened.
I was abused during a (short) marriage too... I'm not sure how I would react to finding out he had passed.
Anything I could think of to say would be trite anyway.
Just the fact that you have good memories says something about the time you were with him. It wasn't all bad, just ended badly.
E
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 47
This Sunday at church the pastor asked for everyone to share the names of those that have passed. He talked about all the loving memories that we have of them. I didn't feel like I could add EXAH to that list bc my brother and sister in law were present and I believe they would worry about me, also my brother really hated EXAH bc of how he treated me. But I still teared up thinking about the fact that he is totally gone, there will be no realization, no apology, no better life for him. Or maybe I'm wishing those things from him for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I am so sorry for what you're going through. I hear resonance in some elements of your story. It is such a strange experience - to lose someone who was so toxic and whose death actually frees you. Our society's rituals and observances around death don't make room for this kind of very complicated grief.
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Thanks Sasha, I've read through the posts about your EXAH's death and all of what has come after. My EXAH was also a hoarder, except he was hoarding cars. We owned 5 cars when we separated (he kept 4 of them, I just wanted out). He wouldn't allow his mom to sell her mother's car. He had also borrowed his brother's car and refused to give it back. This turned into a screaming, chasing, physical fight with his brother at their mom's house. I guess he thought he deserved to keep it. He was a bully toward his whole family.
Right now I'm really angry bc of all the positive things people are posting about him and I learned someone he went to high school with is using him as a suicide prevention example. Not that you shouldn't be there for people that are struggling but where was he while my EXAH was slowly drinking himself to death? Probably right there buying him the next round. Ex's friends gathered at a bar to remember him. Seems appropriate but sad.
Right now I'm really angry bc of all the positive things people are posting about him and I learned someone he went to high school with is using him as a suicide prevention example. Not that you shouldn't be there for people that are struggling but where was he while my EXAH was slowly drinking himself to death? Probably right there buying him the next round. Ex's friends gathered at a bar to remember him. Seems appropriate but sad.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Originally Posted by Gingerpeach
Thanks Sasha, I've read through the posts about your EXAH's death and all of what has come after. My EXAH was also a hoarder, except he was hoarding cars. We owned 5 cars when we separated (he kept 4 of them, I just wanted out). He wouldn't allow his mom to sell her mother's car. He had also borrowed his brother's car and refused to give it back. This turned into a screaming, chasing, physical fight with his brother at their mom's house. I guess he thought he deserved to keep it. He was a bully toward his whole family.
Right now I'm really angry bc of all the positive things people are posting about him and I learned someone he went to high school with is using him as a suicide prevention example. Not that you shouldn't be there for people that are struggling but where was he while my EXAH was slowly drinking himself to death? Probably right there buying him the next round. Ex's friends gathered at a bar to remember him. Seems appropriate but sad.
Right now I'm really angry bc of all the positive things people are posting about him and I learned someone he went to high school with is using him as a suicide prevention example. Not that you shouldn't be there for people that are struggling but where was he while my EXAH was slowly drinking himself to death? Probably right there buying him the next round. Ex's friends gathered at a bar to remember him. Seems appropriate but sad.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
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I had a friend ask me to tell her a good thing about EXAH. I'd married him and there must have been something. She said this from a loving place while we were talking about the online memorials people have written.
I remember his hugs. Not his later hugs, even those became selfish and uncomfortable (hurt my neck and emotionally awkward). His hugs early in our relationship were the best. I'm a reserved person with physical affection.
Those hugs felt like home.
I spent the evening in tears. I really want to find that feeling again, like my heart is at peace.
I remember his hugs. Not his later hugs, even those became selfish and uncomfortable (hurt my neck and emotionally awkward). His hugs early in our relationship were the best. I'm a reserved person with physical affection.
Those hugs felt like home.
I spent the evening in tears. I really want to find that feeling again, like my heart is at peace.
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