Getting pulled back in
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,881
So sorry you have to such an emotionally complicated journey.
Keep feeling whatever you feel!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 47
I think I've been more emotional the last month. Like learning about deceased EXAH has opened an emotional dam. I've cried so many times (I'm a pretty stoic person in public) mostly in my car or at home. Full honesty, I picked up cyber stalking the EXABF (I know it's not healthy). I know he is dating someone and she seems like a decent person (she made a statement that the world needs more Mr Rogers, which I totally agree with but EXABF isn't anywhere close to that). I don't want him back as he was, but a part of me wants him alone pining over me. Arghh! I've felt so pathetic this month.
I changed my hair because sometimes new hair makes me feel better. Now I have stripey highlights, which wasn't the goal. I'm taking a weekend trip to visit a friend in Chicago. Maybe a change of scenery will improve my mood? I should make another appointment with my counselor, but I went to 2 appointments and just wasn't feeling it. I appreciate all of your words of support and perspective here in the forum.
I changed my hair because sometimes new hair makes me feel better. Now I have stripey highlights, which wasn't the goal. I'm taking a weekend trip to visit a friend in Chicago. Maybe a change of scenery will improve my mood? I should make another appointment with my counselor, but I went to 2 appointments and just wasn't feeling it. I appreciate all of your words of support and perspective here in the forum.
I'm going to guess that loop is still playing?
The mind doesn't much like to dwell on the negative and the pain.
It's kind of like if you broke your leg, it's very painful, you have to have it set, miss work which caused financial hardship as well etc etc.
So say you had a cast and you started hobbling in to work. People are bringing you your coffee, maybe buying you lunch and sitting in with you having a chat. Asking if they can help. Signing your cast. Another family member has been staying with you, helping you around the house, fixing your meals.
A few month later you aren't going to be thinking about the first part, but you will smile when you remember the day the cast came off and how you kind of hated to part with it because it had fun messages on it and when you see a plastic container in your cupboard that you need to return to a family member, that will bring back some good memories too.
So when thinking about your EXAB, the same generally applies. You think about those few times when you were actually laughing, having a good time or some nice place you went and what it could have all been like if he wasn't an active alcoholic.
That's when writing down all the negatives helps. A list of every mean and terrible thing he said to you, a list of his worst traits etc and refer to that everytime the "good" loop starts playing. Because that is the reality and your mind will eventually pick up that thinking about EXAB is not fun nor happy.
It works, just have to keep at it.
As for watching him online - that is rather hurtful to you? It's rather meaningless really, if you posted on FB several months ago, I'm sure you wouldn't have been posting pictures of him in a drunken rage?
The mind doesn't much like to dwell on the negative and the pain.
It's kind of like if you broke your leg, it's very painful, you have to have it set, miss work which caused financial hardship as well etc etc.
So say you had a cast and you started hobbling in to work. People are bringing you your coffee, maybe buying you lunch and sitting in with you having a chat. Asking if they can help. Signing your cast. Another family member has been staying with you, helping you around the house, fixing your meals.
A few month later you aren't going to be thinking about the first part, but you will smile when you remember the day the cast came off and how you kind of hated to part with it because it had fun messages on it and when you see a plastic container in your cupboard that you need to return to a family member, that will bring back some good memories too.
So when thinking about your EXAB, the same generally applies. You think about those few times when you were actually laughing, having a good time or some nice place you went and what it could have all been like if he wasn't an active alcoholic.
That's when writing down all the negatives helps. A list of every mean and terrible thing he said to you, a list of his worst traits etc and refer to that everytime the "good" loop starts playing. Because that is the reality and your mind will eventually pick up that thinking about EXAB is not fun nor happy.
It works, just have to keep at it.
As for watching him online - that is rather hurtful to you? It's rather meaningless really, if you posted on FB several months ago, I'm sure you wouldn't have been posting pictures of him in a drunken rage?
Good morning, Gingerpeach!
I have found grief counseling after the death of my dear husband very beneficial. Sometimes, it's a matter of finding the right fit. And it takes more than 2 visits to really receive benefit from counseling. You wouldn't expect to get completely better after taking only two pills from a 2-week course of medicine would you?
If it's a matter of not feeling as though this counselor is right for you, I wholeheartedly encourage you to find another.
I have found grief counseling after the death of my dear husband very beneficial. Sometimes, it's a matter of finding the right fit. And it takes more than 2 visits to really receive benefit from counseling. You wouldn't expect to get completely better after taking only two pills from a 2-week course of medicine would you?
If it's a matter of not feeling as though this counselor is right for you, I wholeheartedly encourage you to find another.
Originally Posted by Gingerpeach
I should make another appointment with my counselor, but I went to 2 appointments and just wasn't feeling it.
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