New to this and need some help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Akron,OH
Posts: 13
New to this and need some help.
Here is the background. My gf and I regularly went out and had dinner/drinks. I admit there were weeks when we said we overdid it but we never experienced any physical problems, went to work when we were supposed to and generally functioned.
Because of stomach issues she decided to stop drinking alcohol as well as coffee and eat healthier. She quit cold turkey. I quit over a few weeks time but stopped b/c we just don't go out anymore and I was never one to drink alone at home.
A few days after stopping alcohol she started having panic attacks and for the past month has been to her pcp or ER a total of 8 times. She doesn't feel like doing much so stays home 99% of the time.
She is now taking meds to keep her out of the ER and has appointments with her pcp as well as a counselor next week.
This question is not specifically alcohol related as we both quit the actual drinking part without a problem. (I will say we both self medicated with alcohol though so we are not completely out of the woods)
The issue I am having is that I feel I have lost my gf. With the medicine she sits on the couch and is barely responsive, hardly ever texts or emails and when she does talk it is pretty much 100% about her and her panic attacks.
I feel as if I have lost my gf. The feeling are similar to divorce/death. I am an introvert and only like a small group of people around. With her "gone" I feel alone and have nobody to talk to the way I talked to her.
Another fear I have is that she won't come back. Chances are that with therapy she will get better, back off on the meds and the attacks will be less often and less severe.
But until then I feel lost. I want to help her but can't sit on the couch every night and listen to her talk about nothing or watch her sleep. I go to gym, I do chores around house and hang with my kids a bit but am generally going crazy with nobody to talk to.
Thoughts?
Because of stomach issues she decided to stop drinking alcohol as well as coffee and eat healthier. She quit cold turkey. I quit over a few weeks time but stopped b/c we just don't go out anymore and I was never one to drink alone at home.
A few days after stopping alcohol she started having panic attacks and for the past month has been to her pcp or ER a total of 8 times. She doesn't feel like doing much so stays home 99% of the time.
She is now taking meds to keep her out of the ER and has appointments with her pcp as well as a counselor next week.
This question is not specifically alcohol related as we both quit the actual drinking part without a problem. (I will say we both self medicated with alcohol though so we are not completely out of the woods)
The issue I am having is that I feel I have lost my gf. With the medicine she sits on the couch and is barely responsive, hardly ever texts or emails and when she does talk it is pretty much 100% about her and her panic attacks.
I feel as if I have lost my gf. The feeling are similar to divorce/death. I am an introvert and only like a small group of people around. With her "gone" I feel alone and have nobody to talk to the way I talked to her.
Another fear I have is that she won't come back. Chances are that with therapy she will get better, back off on the meds and the attacks will be less often and less severe.
But until then I feel lost. I want to help her but can't sit on the couch every night and listen to her talk about nothing or watch her sleep. I go to gym, I do chores around house and hang with my kids a bit but am generally going crazy with nobody to talk to.
Thoughts?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ing-ideas.html (Unable to attend ACA meeting, ideas?)
Hi littlekings,
I'm glad you're still here/here again. Perhaps looking again at an ACA, AA and/or Al-Anon schedule to see if there's any groups that might work? Celebrate Recovery is another to maybe look up. No designation needed to start exploring options.
Hi littlekings,
I'm glad you're still here/here again. Perhaps looking again at an ACA, AA and/or Al-Anon schedule to see if there's any groups that might work? Celebrate Recovery is another to maybe look up. No designation needed to start exploring options.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
I think really you need to give her time. Obviously ceasing alcohol is an issue for her, psychologically or physically or both. She has only just started treatment and may need time to either adjust to the medication or adjust the dose after discussing it with her Doctor (perhaps you can discuss that with her, that you have noticed how lethargic she is and that perhaps she can speak to him/her about that).
Getting correct medications can be a fine science. Another avenue may be for her to see a psychiatrist. They are best trained to look at medications and it might be well worth it.
These are all things you could encourage and help her with, if she wants to do them.
It's a tough situation but there is no reason to think that, after a few weeks, she will always be like this. Also right now this is all new to her and probably pretty scary so speaking to you about it is a good way for her to relieve some of that. Soon she will have a counsellor to speak to as well.
If you are committed to this relationship, perhaps just give it some time.
Getting correct medications can be a fine science. Another avenue may be for her to see a psychiatrist. They are best trained to look at medications and it might be well worth it.
These are all things you could encourage and help her with, if she wants to do them.
It's a tough situation but there is no reason to think that, after a few weeks, she will always be like this. Also right now this is all new to her and probably pretty scary so speaking to you about it is a good way for her to relieve some of that. Soon she will have a counsellor to speak to as well.
If you are committed to this relationship, perhaps just give it some time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Akron,OH
Posts: 13
Yes we live together.
yes I will give things several weeks. Right away I think I was too much. I am a fixer. I want to fix everything. I started with a “do this, then do that and tell your doc this and that...” I noticed right away that isn’t how this/she works.
I talked to her and said I was going to pretty much do my own thing for a bit. She can ask when she needs anything. She seemed ok with it.
The thing I need to keep remembering is that maybe couch time and silence is what is needed. To me the couch is like a prison sentence. “Nothing good or worthwhile happens on the couch” was one of my sayings. She did say she wanted to back off one one of the meds to feel less dopey. That’s a start.
We will see what happens over the next week or two and hope there is progress.
Thanks for the comments. Just this helps a bit.
yes I will give things several weeks. Right away I think I was too much. I am a fixer. I want to fix everything. I started with a “do this, then do that and tell your doc this and that...” I noticed right away that isn’t how this/she works.
I talked to her and said I was going to pretty much do my own thing for a bit. She can ask when she needs anything. She seemed ok with it.
The thing I need to keep remembering is that maybe couch time and silence is what is needed. To me the couch is like a prison sentence. “Nothing good or worthwhile happens on the couch” was one of my sayings. She did say she wanted to back off one one of the meds to feel less dopey. That’s a start.
We will see what happens over the next week or two and hope there is progress.
Thanks for the comments. Just this helps a bit.
Last edited by Seren; 10-12-2019 at 02:58 PM. Reason: Language removed. Rule 9: Family Friendly Rule
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Speaking from the other side, I self medicated with alcohol for years.
When I reflect back it was hard for my ex partner.
I drank at home.
My blackouts were unpredictable so I hated going to parties or out with friends.
He must have got fed up with this.
I also used to swear blind I was never drinking again only to be having a large vodka at 4pm with bleary eyes.
I would cry and be upset for hours obsessing and asking him if he could remember what I might have done. If I upset anyone etc etc. It was tedious for me, so for him it must have been super tedious.
We separated nearly 6 years ago.
There were other problems too, not just booze.
We had a child.
I guess my reason for posting is that when I stopped drinking, it took a while to get used to not doing that.
The anxiety was still there, but not as crippling.
As I stayed sober for longer I became more my own person.
By that I mean I was more confident going to events and saying "I don't drink" and be fine with it.
I also had less anxiety or worries from not drinking.
But it didn't happen over night.
I do feel for you because as much as you obviously love your girlfriend, you are not her mental health nurse or anxiety coach. You are her boyfriend.
Sometimes we often don't realise how we behave and act.
I know for me I made it all about me. All the time. I was intense
It might be worth pointing out to her how you feel.
I hope I don't sound callous.
I'm the one that could not continue to drink and my relationship did not survive, so I have sympathy for how your girlfriend feels.
But i have sympathy for you to as living with a partner who has become very wrapped up in their mental health is hard.
I understand the prison sentence on the couch.If you look back at my posts I clearly state that getting off the couch was part of my recovery
I sat there every night, watching the same soaps, drinking from the same glass.
Perhaps suggesting that sitting on the couch every night is not going to help her anxiety?
It is well documented in medicine that exercise and fresh air can work wonders on mood.
Could she find an anxiety group to go to, where she can talk and share instead of 100% confiding in you?
I wish you the best xx
I wish you the best xx
When I reflect back it was hard for my ex partner.
I drank at home.
My blackouts were unpredictable so I hated going to parties or out with friends.
He must have got fed up with this.
I also used to swear blind I was never drinking again only to be having a large vodka at 4pm with bleary eyes.
I would cry and be upset for hours obsessing and asking him if he could remember what I might have done. If I upset anyone etc etc. It was tedious for me, so for him it must have been super tedious.
We separated nearly 6 years ago.
There were other problems too, not just booze.
We had a child.
I guess my reason for posting is that when I stopped drinking, it took a while to get used to not doing that.
The anxiety was still there, but not as crippling.
As I stayed sober for longer I became more my own person.
By that I mean I was more confident going to events and saying "I don't drink" and be fine with it.
I also had less anxiety or worries from not drinking.
But it didn't happen over night.
I do feel for you because as much as you obviously love your girlfriend, you are not her mental health nurse or anxiety coach. You are her boyfriend.
Sometimes we often don't realise how we behave and act.
I know for me I made it all about me. All the time. I was intense
It might be worth pointing out to her how you feel.
I hope I don't sound callous.
I'm the one that could not continue to drink and my relationship did not survive, so I have sympathy for how your girlfriend feels.
But i have sympathy for you to as living with a partner who has become very wrapped up in their mental health is hard.
I understand the prison sentence on the couch.If you look back at my posts I clearly state that getting off the couch was part of my recovery
I sat there every night, watching the same soaps, drinking from the same glass.
Perhaps suggesting that sitting on the couch every night is not going to help her anxiety?
It is well documented in medicine that exercise and fresh air can work wonders on mood.
Could she find an anxiety group to go to, where she can talk and share instead of 100% confiding in you?
I wish you the best xx
I wish you the best xx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
. I am an introvert and only like a small group of people around. With her "gone" I feel alone and have nobody to talk to the way I talked to her.
I haven't had panic attacks like your GF, but I did have surgery a couple years ago. While I was healing, quite frankly the last thing I wanted to do was talk to my husband - I just wanted to lay like a zombie and watch dumb TV shows. If your GF is in recovery mode, she may be in the same boat.
One more thing, although I never really had severe anxiety attacks I DID have severe depression. I can tell you that I had friends who told me what a jerk I was being for not being there for them, and even now it still hurts (I no longer talk to them). Their expectation that I could operate as normal. while I was in the throes of suicide ideation, was so unrealistic it was like expecting a six month old baby to pitch the World Series. Maybe the baby could eventually become a major league pitcher, but it's not going to happen when they're still in diapers.
Give it time, and take the opportunity to build your support network outside the house.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Akron,OH
Posts: 13
So I tried to say something. I was just being quiet. Maybe too quiet and kept getting the “what’s wrong” question. Very non confrontational. No blaming. No anger. Just said I feel like I’ve lost my gf to being loony on meds or non stop talking about health problems. And it just caused a fight with one of the responses being “better start looking on eharmony”. I think she knew that one was a bit stupid but why am I the one walking on eggshells and worried about what I say but she can be pissed and just blast away with whatever she wants to say?
i see how these situations can drive a stake in relationships. I’m not ready to throw in the towel but things like that linger well beyond the present.
i see how these situations can drive a stake in relationships. I’m not ready to throw in the towel but things like that linger well beyond the present.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
No, you don't have to "worry" about what you say, but we should always be mindful about what we say? The - say what you mean but don't say it mean thing.
If you actually said this, it was guaranteed to cause hurt feelings and push-back. If someone said that to me I would find it hurtful and I might be angry too.
If you are committed to working on this, maybe it would be a good idea to get therapy of your own. Understanding mental illness is a big challenge. It might help to know that she is not doing this "to" you, it is out of her control at the moment.
Also, because she is in the state she is in I'm sure she probably doesn't have a lot of places to vent her feelings. What has her counsellor suggested if anything? Group support for anxiety? Anything? I'm not sure if she's seen him/her yet but things may look up after that meeting.
You are going to need patience if you plan to remain in this relationship. Lots of it.
If you actually said this, it was guaranteed to cause hurt feelings and push-back. If someone said that to me I would find it hurtful and I might be angry too.
Just said I feel like I’ve lost my gf to being loony on meds or non stop talking about health problems.
Also, because she is in the state she is in I'm sure she probably doesn't have a lot of places to vent her feelings. What has her counsellor suggested if anything? Group support for anxiety? Anything? I'm not sure if she's seen him/her yet but things may look up after that meeting.
You are going to need patience if you plan to remain in this relationship. Lots of it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
