zazengirl

i'm scared, and leaving soon, in two days. i haven't heard from my AH even though I left....him, i am feeling guilty and that i abandoned him,...i left due to his illness, and me losing my inner love and dreams, his forgotten promises and our lives falling apart, was i wrong to leave him, did i truly abandon him because i want a better life, was i supposed to stay? he wont speak to me,..only words of anger and death threats, when he used to only be peaceful...please, i am feeling low, and saddened....just a few words from you would help...

feeling hopless in seattle....

renee18

You are in my prayers. I can't tell you if you made the right decision or not but i can offer you love and understanding at this time. Hang in there You most of left for some reason. Just follow you heart.
Hugs for you
Love,
Shana, 19

Ann

Staying in a relationship that is toxic or dead, is bad for both people. Sometimes a relationship is just over, no matter who leaves first.
One day your regrets will become only sad memories. and the dreams you have for your future will come true.

Go in peace, knowing that you didn't abandon anyone, you just left what was already over.

Hugs
Ann

zazengirl

thank you..it just got to the point where i lost my sense of self, and his alcoholism and drug use was getting worse as he saw me fade away, and truly, now he doesnt have to hurt me or himself anymore,..in a perfect world i'd wish he'd fight this illness, and we could be a family,...but the reality is he is sick and needs to want it...it is hurtful...and it's a process, i had to let go and let god, i know that letting go is the action part of faith..thank you guys...

Truth

sometimes staying while u are not being treated well or while he continues to drink and drug, tells the person that what they are doing is OK. it sounds like you finally took a stand for yourself. you are so used to taking care of him and think that is ur role and responsibility and that may be why u feel so guilty for leaving - because u actually did something just for u and not for him and that feels weird after being there for him with no thought of yourself for so long. it may feel strange at first but u will get used to putting yourself as number 1 priority. I am debating whether to walk away from a situation right now in which i am not getting what i need and i too have put another's needs before my own. i wish u all the best in your situation. also u might want to check out an al anon or CODA meeting. i just began with al anon but it has helped tremendously already. hope this all helps

coldgrip

I am going through the same thing. Same emotions.

I wish I had these great words of wisdom to ease your pain.

All I can say is you are not alone, hang in there, I am right beside you. We will make it! Do not doubt it. No one can stop us but us.

minnie

Zazengirl,

Your choice was not so much to leave him, rather it was to choose YOU. As you say, you started to lose yourself by being with him. He has chosen his way, you have chosen yours. This is your right and indeed your responsibility to yourself.

I feel it in my bones that you are going to do just fine. I have no doubt that there will be tough moments, but I know that you have SR in your toolbox and can use it at whatever time of the day.

Hang in there - these are the first days of the rest of your life.

Love

Minnie
xxxx

equus

Zazengirl,

Sometimes I think people need to see others go, maybe he does. You can't tell him to value his life unless you value yours, actions will always speak louder...

PLEASE love your new life, it belongs to you in every way.

Magichappens

Fear is part of change. Guilt is part of grieving. Don't let them take you backwards. Courage is moving forward through fear, and not letting it keep us locked in an unhealthy life. All anyone can do for you is let you know that you aren't travelling through this alone. You have my love and support. Hugs, Magic

zazengirl

truth thank you, i have been to a few al-anon meetings, sadly i'm moving to thailand and dont know of any there,, but i have SR...for meetings and you guys...i feel free, and its a scary feeling but i feel good, and guilty that i feel good...i am setting myself free from my family and all whom i held myself back for,...i am number one. and need to put the love i put towards others into me.

zazengirl

Good luck to you,...its hard when we love them soooo much,and i know that when i left my husband, he was shocked...he was loving me up to that moment, but now, he doesnt have to suffer by seeing me pained,...and let down...i have done all i can, and now i'm set free, he always told me, "You can't trap a butterfly" he knows i'm a traveler a gypsy.....maybe his cruelty to me in the end, was so i would fly away and not come back to him while he is ill....goodluck to you!! choose you...

zazengirl

Yes, and i am stronger and excited...apprehension is natural....and its ok for me to feel small, i'm going to another country to live...its wild!! to start my life alone...and this is what i've wanted for eons...thank you.

zazengirl

my husband always said to me, "Its just a matter of time" before i leave him or find out what a loser he is, i guess, in the midst of it all, i lost respect for him, i would continue to coach him and support him and find him work...and then he'd crash again..i couldnt do it,....we were losing everything..i had to escape...i let him go because i love him...and love me..i pray someday he sees that...thank you...

i was told by milam recovery, when i was planning his intervention, that alcoholics dont' do what we say, they do what we do.....they follow by action...i have always stuck to my word, so when i kicked him out, i signed the papers, and moved on....to show him, life is good on the other side, i told him when or if he gets well, i will be on the other side...until then,...i love you..

zazengirl

Thank you for the reminder....i wont go backwards...thank you.

gelfling

Hello dear heart,

I think it's only normal to be scared. You're going half way around the world. That in itself is scary. We once moved 700 miles and I had nose bleeds for weeks.

What you're doing takes a type of courage that I wish I possessed. It's very special and only the strong willed are gifted like that.

There are times in my life I wish that I could do for myself and for myself only. And not feel guilty because I don't want to think of anyone else's needs and wants.

Take heart and courage for your upcoming journey. Your partner will get along just fine. He's chosen his path and now it's time for you to follow yours. Who knows? They may again cross under better and healthier cirumstances. But in the meantime, don't hinder or limit your growth.

You have a special gift. Don't waste it or let it go by the wayside. Look ahead always.

Peace and Blessings for a safe journey, ((((((((((((((((zaz)))))))))))))))

Kathy

DesertEyes

Dear zzgirl,

It seems to me that in choosing his addiction over you it is _he_ who left. I know the guilt you feel, I feel it too as I leave my wife of 19 years. The guilt shows that you are a kind and gentle person with a heart full of love. Save that love for one who returns it with equal strength.

You will find plenty of Al-Anon anywhere you go in the world. You will find it because you carry it with you. If you don't find a meeting, you can always start your own.

I am praying for you and looking forward to reading your posts from a mystical land that I will never see :-)

Mike :-)

zazengirl

You may see Thailand, it's beautiful...and I start my new career and lifestyle this week...thank you so much...I love my husband,...that is why I left, I also love and value me..yes, al-anon is in my heart..and so are all of you..thank you..

zazengirl

God grant me the serenity to accept things i cannot change
courage to change the things i can
and wisdom to know the difference..

God gave me the traquility in my heart to understand,
the courage to find myself and set my beloved free...
and the wisdom to know, that i cannot save him, or the world, only me...

thank you Kathy..you are Couragous, we all are, because we are with loved ones whom are ill, and we stand strong....but, we need to stand strong within us..to be strong for the ill....be well lioness...