How to break patterns?
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How to break patterns?
I've been reading the Adult Children of Alcoholics book and having a TON of ah-ha moments. I checked so many boxes on that list of things that ACOA do:
1. Overreact to things I can't control
2. Constantly seek approval and affirmation
3. Don't know what true "normal" is
4. Judge myself without mercy
5. Have a massive fear of abandonment, which creates a come close/run away dynamic in a relationship.
6. Make impulse decisions without regard for prior consequences of what will happen after, which creates self-loathing, messes (rinse and repeat).
Example: today, I was feeling super needy and insecure. I KNOW I should be no-contact with XAF, but we were texting about the phone bill, and I had this overwhelming urge to tell him how I was feeling. In my head, I know I shouldn't, but my brain comes up with a hundred reasons why I should tell him. I send the text, and then my anxiety ramps up because he's not responding (suffocating him again, of course). And because I know that HE should be the one apologizing to me, but in that moment, all I want is the "fix" of reassurance. Just as XAF doesn't hear the voice of wisdom when he is in that liquor store buying a bottle of vodka (something I couldn't understand until now), I am a reassurance addict, essentially.
If I get that reassurance, it's not enough, because deep down, I know it was manufactured and thus, not real. Rinse and repeat again.
When he met me, I was a confident, secure woman. That was part of what attracted him to me. As his drinking got out of control, it awakened the beast of insecurity and I fell into this come close/go away, fight/leave him/come back crazy pattern.
I need to break this pattern, for my own sanity. And if there was any hope of us making this work, I have got to get my own **** under control or we will be here again in a month. So, how do I do that?
Just like the alcoholic knows he should reach out to his sponsor before walking into the liquor store, I know I should reach out to an accountability partner before I do something stupid. And I don't do it.
As I type this, the anxiety is ramping up inside of me, that fear of the future, that desperate need to have him back (even though my rational mind knows he has hurt me badly and behaved horribly toward me).
I'm aware of what I do, and painfully aware of how that impacts all my relationships, and now need to change. Has anyone else been through this? Any tips/advice? It is part of the issues between us, and I know if I don't fix it, I'll end up with another something-aholic.
Thank you!
1. Overreact to things I can't control
2. Constantly seek approval and affirmation
3. Don't know what true "normal" is
4. Judge myself without mercy
5. Have a massive fear of abandonment, which creates a come close/run away dynamic in a relationship.
6. Make impulse decisions without regard for prior consequences of what will happen after, which creates self-loathing, messes (rinse and repeat).
Example: today, I was feeling super needy and insecure. I KNOW I should be no-contact with XAF, but we were texting about the phone bill, and I had this overwhelming urge to tell him how I was feeling. In my head, I know I shouldn't, but my brain comes up with a hundred reasons why I should tell him. I send the text, and then my anxiety ramps up because he's not responding (suffocating him again, of course). And because I know that HE should be the one apologizing to me, but in that moment, all I want is the "fix" of reassurance. Just as XAF doesn't hear the voice of wisdom when he is in that liquor store buying a bottle of vodka (something I couldn't understand until now), I am a reassurance addict, essentially.
If I get that reassurance, it's not enough, because deep down, I know it was manufactured and thus, not real. Rinse and repeat again.
When he met me, I was a confident, secure woman. That was part of what attracted him to me. As his drinking got out of control, it awakened the beast of insecurity and I fell into this come close/go away, fight/leave him/come back crazy pattern.
I need to break this pattern, for my own sanity. And if there was any hope of us making this work, I have got to get my own **** under control or we will be here again in a month. So, how do I do that?
Just like the alcoholic knows he should reach out to his sponsor before walking into the liquor store, I know I should reach out to an accountability partner before I do something stupid. And I don't do it.
As I type this, the anxiety is ramping up inside of me, that fear of the future, that desperate need to have him back (even though my rational mind knows he has hurt me badly and behaved horribly toward me).
I'm aware of what I do, and painfully aware of how that impacts all my relationships, and now need to change. Has anyone else been through this? Any tips/advice? It is part of the issues between us, and I know if I don't fix it, I'll end up with another something-aholic.
Thank you!
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TriStrong…..I am so happy that you have been willing to read the ACOA literature!
I think that the first step toward breaking a pattern is to recognize the pattern. And, you seem to be on the road to that.....already!
I think that the first step toward breaking a pattern is to recognize the pattern. And, you seem to be on the road to that.....already!
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Thank you!! I realized as well that ACOA have no concept of “normal” so they create it in their heads. I always thought if i said just the right “line” to my abusive ex, he would stop and love me. One if the things XAF complained about was that he could never say exactly the right thing to make me happy. Ding, ding, ding. So me and so clear!
I half done a half Ironman a couple years ago (hence my name). I am strong. I just forgot that. Again. Somehow I need to cement that belief for good.
I half done a half Ironman a couple years ago (hence my name). I am strong. I just forgot that. Again. Somehow I need to cement that belief for good.
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TriStrong,
I did 2 good bouts of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) helped me A LOT. One was with a grad student at a local university who was overseen by a senior practitioner, so it was super cheap. The other was with a therapist I found through my insurance at the time.
There will not be one magic thing that will "cure" this for you...these dynamics in thinking and thought patterns are deeply ingrained in ACOAs and for me it took lots of persistent trying of different things....AlAnon, therapy (CBT and also regular 'ol talk therapy) yoga, meditation, reading books about ACOA and codependence, singing lessons, tai chi!!!
And just as with the bad behaviors in myself and in my mind, I have to lather rinse repeat the GOOD stuff. For me it was a slow erosion of the learned patterns that were then replaced by more rational, voluntary thoughts and behaviors...so I was no longer just on auto-pilot or in reaction mode.
But I had to learn those things...still learning, but for sure if you keep seeking and accepting help and TRYING to change (doing the uncomfortable work and putting what you've learned into practice) then you will make great progress and find relief. New skills take practice which is a conscious choice.
Peace,
B
I did 2 good bouts of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) helped me A LOT. One was with a grad student at a local university who was overseen by a senior practitioner, so it was super cheap. The other was with a therapist I found through my insurance at the time.
There will not be one magic thing that will "cure" this for you...these dynamics in thinking and thought patterns are deeply ingrained in ACOAs and for me it took lots of persistent trying of different things....AlAnon, therapy (CBT and also regular 'ol talk therapy) yoga, meditation, reading books about ACOA and codependence, singing lessons, tai chi!!!
And just as with the bad behaviors in myself and in my mind, I have to lather rinse repeat the GOOD stuff. For me it was a slow erosion of the learned patterns that were then replaced by more rational, voluntary thoughts and behaviors...so I was no longer just on auto-pilot or in reaction mode.
But I had to learn those things...still learning, but for sure if you keep seeking and accepting help and TRYING to change (doing the uncomfortable work and putting what you've learned into practice) then you will make great progress and find relief. New skills take practice which is a conscious choice.
Peace,
B
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by TriStrong 
Thank you!! I realized as well that ACOA have no concept of “normal” so they create it in their heads. I always thought if i said just the right “line” to my abusive ex, he would stop and love me. One if the things XAF complained about was that he could never say exactly the right thing to make me happy. Ding, ding, ding. So me and so clear!
I half done a half Ironman a couple years ago (hence my name). I am strong. I just forgot that. Again. Somehow I need to cement that belief for good.
I half done a half Ironman a couple years ago (hence my name). I am strong. I just forgot that. Again. Somehow I need to cement that belief for good.
I wish I could get back with my XAF at the same time I know Is not the smartest idea. Not that have learned these things before would prevent us breaking up, but I wish I could take back so many of the things I’ve said to him. And I feel angry that from all the researches I’ve done about alcoholics while I was trying to save my A, I never came across Al-anon or this group for example. In fact most of the articles I found was telling me I didn’t cause him to drink therefore he was wrong and I was right (my conclusions).
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TriStrong,
I am think about your rinse and repeat issue. I then though, you could quickly solve your problem by shaving your head. No hair, no rinse and repeat, problem goes away. But then I thought about it some more and you would still have a Rinse and Repeat issue, but with the constant shaving of your head. Plus you probably look better with hair. LOL
There is no quick solution's for your issue. You have grown up with this belief ingrained in your personality. It takes time and practice and talking about it. You already have the first part, in that you know the problem and the pattern that it is causing. You also know that you want to break this pattern. Just like an alcoholic can't cure himself. You can't either. You need to listen to what Bernadette said in her post. It is what you need to get this pattern broken. It won't happen over night, but it will happen if you want it bad enough. And from what you have posted, it sounds like you do.
I know about the insecure and being a reassurance addict you talk about. I have them also. Even when my AW reassures me, I wondered is she trying to manipulate me again. Is she telling me the truth. Is my whole marriage going to fall apart. I was a mess. This is how i felt awhile ago and I too would rinse and repeat in my try and fix it solution. I have come a long ways. I now take some deep breaths and know that she is going to AA, she is doing the steps, She wants to be a better person. I am also doing AL-Anon and talking more about how i feel and not keeping it bottled in. Then i tell myself to "Let go, and Let god" I have no control and must trust my Higher Power is looking over me. And try not to be so insecure about it.
I'm sure there is still a confident, secure women on the other side of this post. She is there, she just has to believe that she can do this and take it one day at a time. Try not worry about the future. The future is something we have little control over. There are to many variables at hand. We can try and make a plan for it, but we must realize that we might have to revise this plan.
Stay strong and know that we are here for you. You are not alone.
I am think about your rinse and repeat issue. I then though, you could quickly solve your problem by shaving your head. No hair, no rinse and repeat, problem goes away. But then I thought about it some more and you would still have a Rinse and Repeat issue, but with the constant shaving of your head. Plus you probably look better with hair. LOL
There is no quick solution's for your issue. You have grown up with this belief ingrained in your personality. It takes time and practice and talking about it. You already have the first part, in that you know the problem and the pattern that it is causing. You also know that you want to break this pattern. Just like an alcoholic can't cure himself. You can't either. You need to listen to what Bernadette said in her post. It is what you need to get this pattern broken. It won't happen over night, but it will happen if you want it bad enough. And from what you have posted, it sounds like you do.
I know about the insecure and being a reassurance addict you talk about. I have them also. Even when my AW reassures me, I wondered is she trying to manipulate me again. Is she telling me the truth. Is my whole marriage going to fall apart. I was a mess. This is how i felt awhile ago and I too would rinse and repeat in my try and fix it solution. I have come a long ways. I now take some deep breaths and know that she is going to AA, she is doing the steps, She wants to be a better person. I am also doing AL-Anon and talking more about how i feel and not keeping it bottled in. Then i tell myself to "Let go, and Let god" I have no control and must trust my Higher Power is looking over me. And try not to be so insecure about it.
I'm sure there is still a confident, secure women on the other side of this post. She is there, she just has to believe that she can do this and take it one day at a time. Try not worry about the future. The future is something we have little control over. There are to many variables at hand. We can try and make a plan for it, but we must realize that we might have to revise this plan.
Stay strong and know that we are here for you. You are not alone.
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Originally Posted by Bernadette
TriStrong,
I did 2 good bouts of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) helped me A LOT. One was with a grad student at a local university who was overseen by a senior practitioner, so it was super cheap. The other was with a therapist I found through my insurance at the time.
There will not be one magic thing that will "cure" this for you...these dynamics in thinking and thought patterns are deeply ingrained in ACOAs and for me it took lots of persistent trying of different things....AlAnon, therapy (CBT and also regular 'ol talk therapy) yoga, meditation, reading books about ACOA and codependence, singing lessons, tai chi!!!
And just as with the bad behaviors in myself and in my mind, I have to lather rinse repeat the GOOD stuff. For me it was a slow erosion of the learned patterns that were then replaced by more rational, voluntary thoughts and behaviors...so I was no longer just on auto-pilot or in reaction mode.
But I had to learn those things...still learning, but for sure if you keep seeking and accepting help and TRYING to change (doing the uncomfortable work and putting what you've learned into practice) then you will make great progress and find relief. New skills take practice which is a conscious choice.
Peace,
B
I did 2 good bouts of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) helped me A LOT. One was with a grad student at a local university who was overseen by a senior practitioner, so it was super cheap. The other was with a therapist I found through my insurance at the time.
There will not be one magic thing that will "cure" this for you...these dynamics in thinking and thought patterns are deeply ingrained in ACOAs and for me it took lots of persistent trying of different things....AlAnon, therapy (CBT and also regular 'ol talk therapy) yoga, meditation, reading books about ACOA and codependence, singing lessons, tai chi!!!
And just as with the bad behaviors in myself and in my mind, I have to lather rinse repeat the GOOD stuff. For me it was a slow erosion of the learned patterns that were then replaced by more rational, voluntary thoughts and behaviors...so I was no longer just on auto-pilot or in reaction mode.
But I had to learn those things...still learning, but for sure if you keep seeking and accepting help and TRYING to change (doing the uncomfortable work and putting what you've learned into practice) then you will make great progress and find relief. New skills take practice which is a conscious choice.
Peace,
B
I'm back in therapy. Not as often as I would like, but as her schedule opens up, I'll add more appointments. I do need to get back to working out. That helps a lot. It's a vicious cycle--anxiety = no sleep = no workout = more anxiety. Ugh.
Thank you so much :-)
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Originally Posted by Nara
And I feel angry that from all the researches I’ve done about alcoholics while I was trying to save my A, I never came across Al-anon or this group for example. In fact most of the articles I found was telling me I didn’t cause him to drink therefore he was wrong and I was right (my conclusions).
I also realized something about perfectionism. I am the quintessential perfectionist (as is XAF). I was always trying to be the "perfect" partner, and expecting him to be the "perfect" partner. The second our relationship stepped outside that image, I would panic and it would become a whole thing.
Just realizing my part in this is eye-opening and heartbreaking. Yes, he did some terrible things, but I am just now realizing how my inability to stay put (I left 12 times in 7 months--that's crazy!) and my inability to handle a crisis with calm was a big part of the problem.
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Originally Posted by ironwill
TriStrong,
I am think about your rinse and repeat issue. I then though, you could quickly solve your problem by shaving your head. No hair, no rinse and repeat, problem goes away. But then I thought about it some more and you would still have a Rinse and Repeat issue, but with the constant shaving of your head. Plus you probably look better with hair. LOL
There is no quick solution's for your issue. You have grown up with this belief ingrained in your personality. It takes time and practice and talking about it. You already have the first part, in that you know the problem and the pattern that it is causing. You also know that you want to break this pattern. Just like an alcoholic can't cure himself. You can't either. You need to listen to what Bernadette said in her post. It is what you need to get this pattern broken. It won't happen over night, but it will happen if you want it bad enough. And from what you have posted, it sounds like you do.
I know about the insecure and being a reassurance addict you talk about. I have them also. Even when my AW reassures me, I wondered is she trying to manipulate me again. Is she telling me the truth. Is my whole marriage going to fall apart. I was a mess. This is how i felt awhile ago and I too would rinse and repeat in my try and fix it solution. I have come a long ways. I now take some deep breaths and know that she is going to AA, she is doing the steps, She wants to be a better person. I am also doing AL-Anon and talking more about how i feel and not keeping it bottled in. Then i tell myself to "Let go, and Let god" I have no control and must trust my Higher Power is looking over me. And try not to be so insecure about it.
I'm sure there is still a confident, secure women on the other side of this post. She is there, she just has to believe that she can do this and take it one day at a time. Try not worry about the future. The future is something we have little control over. There are to many variables at hand. We can try and make a plan for it, but we must realize that we might have to revise this plan.
Stay strong and know that we are here for you. You are not alone.
I am think about your rinse and repeat issue. I then though, you could quickly solve your problem by shaving your head. No hair, no rinse and repeat, problem goes away. But then I thought about it some more and you would still have a Rinse and Repeat issue, but with the constant shaving of your head. Plus you probably look better with hair. LOL
There is no quick solution's for your issue. You have grown up with this belief ingrained in your personality. It takes time and practice and talking about it. You already have the first part, in that you know the problem and the pattern that it is causing. You also know that you want to break this pattern. Just like an alcoholic can't cure himself. You can't either. You need to listen to what Bernadette said in her post. It is what you need to get this pattern broken. It won't happen over night, but it will happen if you want it bad enough. And from what you have posted, it sounds like you do.
I know about the insecure and being a reassurance addict you talk about. I have them also. Even when my AW reassures me, I wondered is she trying to manipulate me again. Is she telling me the truth. Is my whole marriage going to fall apart. I was a mess. This is how i felt awhile ago and I too would rinse and repeat in my try and fix it solution. I have come a long ways. I now take some deep breaths and know that she is going to AA, she is doing the steps, She wants to be a better person. I am also doing AL-Anon and talking more about how i feel and not keeping it bottled in. Then i tell myself to "Let go, and Let god" I have no control and must trust my Higher Power is looking over me. And try not to be so insecure about it.
I'm sure there is still a confident, secure women on the other side of this post. She is there, she just has to believe that she can do this and take it one day at a time. Try not worry about the future. The future is something we have little control over. There are to many variables at hand. We can try and make a plan for it, but we must realize that we might have to revise this plan.
Stay strong and know that we are here for you. You are not alone.
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TriStrong…...great that you already have a therapist. There are lots of techniques and exercises that help to break the anxiety....I suggest that you ask her to share some of them with you.....
There are, also, lots of books on guided imagry and "mindfulness" that can be helpful....as well as you tube videos and tapes.....
There are, also, lots of books on guided imagry and "mindfulness" that can be helpful....as well as you tube videos and tapes.....
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TriStrong - i know you are getting a lot of new information in a very short time, but do remember, you haven't even finished the ingredients list on the recipe yet!! try not to over-analyze and get it all figured out at the end of each page. recovery is for the loooooonnnnnnnnng haul. don't burn out!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
TriStrong…...great that you already have a therapist. There are lots of techniques and exercises that help to break the anxiety....I suggest that you ask her to share some of them with you.....
There are, also, lots of books on guided imagry and "mindfulness" that can be helpful....as well as you tube videos and tapes.....
There are, also, lots of books on guided imagry and "mindfulness" that can be helpful....as well as you tube videos and tapes.....
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
TriStrong - i know you are getting a lot of new information in a very short time, but do remember, you haven't even finished the ingredients list on the recipe yet!! try not to over-analyze and get it all figured out at the end of each page. recovery is for the loooooonnnnnnnnng haul. don't burn out!
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Originally Posted by TriStrong
(I left 12 times in 7 months--that's crazy!) and my inability to handle a crisis with calm was a big part of the problem.
Was your ex good at communicating and discussing things with you?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Sorry if I asked you this before TriStrong but most alcoholics (broad generalization, but my experience) are not necessarily the greatest communicators when it comes to emotion(s).
Was your ex good at communicating and discussing things with you?
Was your ex good at communicating and discussing things with you?
We have been texting a tiny bit, just cordial stuff mostly, but he is responding and reaching out in baby steps. I have yet to lose hope. :-)
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Originally Posted by TriStrong
Actually, yes, until the drinking got out of control. That first year or so, he was open and honest about his struggles and emotions.
We have been texting a tiny bit, just cordial stuff mostly, but he is responding and reaching out in baby steps. I have yet to lose hope. :-)
We have been texting a tiny bit, just cordial stuff mostly, but he is responding and reaching out in baby steps. I have yet to lose hope. :-)
I think that the work you are doing recognizing your ACOA traits is truly great but, at the risk of repeating myself, I would caution you to recognize that it takes two to tango and in the case of the addict they might dance you right off in to the ditch.
Is he taking ownership of his contribution to the ending of the relationship?
I guess my concern for you here is that while you might have some ACOA traits, that doesn't make you necessarily wrong in all perceptions and it doesn't necessarily mean that the X number of times you left were not justified. (by the way when you say "left" do you mean moved out, broke up with him or just walked out to get away, temporarily, from the conflict?).
Anyway, I'm sure you see where I am going here. I'm sure he might be happy to have you back if you just back down from holding your ground on any and all boundaries. There is a difference between being too controlling and protecting yourself.
I grew up with an alcoholic parent as well, but that doesn't mean I don't have ANY idea what "normal" is (and it doesn't mean you don't either).
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Originally Posted by trailmix
The reason I ask is because active addicts (and generally those in early sobriety) don't make good partners, period. That's just the truth.
I think that the work you are doing recognizing your ACOA traits is truly great but, at the risk of repeating myself, I would caution you to recognize that it takes two to tango and in the case of the addict they might dance you right off in to the ditch.
Is he taking ownership of his contribution to the ending of the relationship?
I guess my concern for you here is that while you might have some ACOA traits, that doesn't make you necessarily wrong in all perceptions and it doesn't necessarily mean that the X number of times you left were not justified. (by the way when you say "left" do you mean moved out, broke up with him or just walked out to get away, temporarily, from the conflict?).
Anyway, I'm sure you see where I am going here. I'm sure he might be happy to have you back if you just back down from holding your ground on any and all boundaries. There is a difference between being too controlling and protecting yourself.
I grew up with an alcoholic parent as well, but that doesn't mean I don't have ANY idea what "normal" is (and it doesn't mean you don't either).
I think that the work you are doing recognizing your ACOA traits is truly great but, at the risk of repeating myself, I would caution you to recognize that it takes two to tango and in the case of the addict they might dance you right off in to the ditch.
Is he taking ownership of his contribution to the ending of the relationship?
I guess my concern for you here is that while you might have some ACOA traits, that doesn't make you necessarily wrong in all perceptions and it doesn't necessarily mean that the X number of times you left were not justified. (by the way when you say "left" do you mean moved out, broke up with him or just walked out to get away, temporarily, from the conflict?).
Anyway, I'm sure you see where I am going here. I'm sure he might be happy to have you back if you just back down from holding your ground on any and all boundaries. There is a difference between being too controlling and protecting yourself.
I grew up with an alcoholic parent as well, but that doesn't mean I don't have ANY idea what "normal" is (and it doesn't mean you don't either).
I agree about not taking all the blame. Codependent me from a few years ago did that (and there may be an argument that I’m still somewhat codependent but I’m definitely not like I was). This me will expect accountability on both sides. We just aren’t at that point of talking yet. If he has no ownership, I know it will go right back to what it was before and I’m not interested in that.
When I say left, I mean I broke up with him, packed a bag and left for several hours or overnight. Big drama. Big panic. It was ridiculous behavior on my part.
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