I’m sorry this is long, but you guys has been so helpful and so kind, and every time I go back and read your responses I lean something new. So thank you for your patience.

Hi everybody! So I moved out and haven’t talked to my now XAF for a month. I’m attending Al-anon and going to therapy learning a lot... however I can’t stop blaming myself for everything, specially now that I’m starting to understand my behavior and reactions towards him.

The argument that initiated our break up was so silly. We were talking in bed and everything I said he would talk over me or not let me finish talking, or even criticize or diminish what I had to say. His birthday was coming up in two days and I had plans for him and I was avoiding a fight, so I walked out of the bedroom. He came after me, so I told him I was feeling angry and upset that we used to have fun and good talks before bed and now everything I say causes an argument.

Now we started to yell at each other, he then tells me he don’t wanna keep going with all the things we had planned for our life/future, everything he has done so far was to stay in the relationship etc etc etc. I didn’t expected that at all. I had to go to work next day so I went back to bed.

When I came back home next day he tried to talk about the things he said the previous night, i was hurt and didn’t want talk. Next day was his birthday, I didn’t do any of the things I planed for him since he told me he didn’t like that relationship and didn’t wanna stay in it. He tried to get me out of the house for lunch and celebrate his birthday with him, but I was just so hurt by the things he said. I mean if he doesn’t like our relationship why is he promising things, making plans...

he left for work and when he came back he broke up with me. Next day he joined a dating app, and the following weekend he was going out with someone else, he booked a fairly expensive nice hotel to spend one night.

we both moved out from my apartment where he lived with me from day one since we met. I expressed to him how much that place meant to me and that I couldn’t get a deal like that any other place in town (big apartment, safe area, very few people, security, cheap rent, and all bills except electricity included) perfect for someone like me who has car notice and student loan. He promised me I didn’t have to worry because he would take care of me.

Well this new place made much harder for him to hide his alcohol or go out of the apartment and drink. It was a regular apartment complex with lots of neighbors. My routine changed a little in a healthier way, exercise, food, and I would go to bed early and wake up earlier too. A lot of things was changing because of the new place, I was exited too... i don’t drink so wasn’t hard for me to choose activities and friends who didn’t drink either. I could see this was driving him crazy and he would get in a bad mood easier then before.

long story short he stayed in the new apartment since I am not able to afford it. I can’t go back to the place I was before since is rented already, Ive been staying with my sister and her husband they are being very supportive. But I am so lost I don’t know what to do next where to go and how to deal with what I’m feeling. I feel so much emotional pain and sometimes I just can’t hold the tears. Meanwhile XAF is out there parting, going to games, going out with his friends, and dates, and of course drinking. He never called or texted to ask if I’m ok, if I found a place if I need anything. I’m still in shock!!! He really doesn’t care? He is not hurting? Is he sad? Did I cause the break up because I was mad on his birthday? Did he take advantage of that situation to break up? Was he thinking about it already? This are the questions I’m dwelling on... I wrote in a previous post, two weeks before all this he sent me to my hometown to go buy my wedding dress, he told me multiple times how much he loved me, and that I meant the world to him.

Im so confused since the argument that caused the break up wasn’t actually alcohol like most of our arguments. Btw he had an appointment with a specialist in addiction two days after. The previous fight I insisted that he went for professional help cuz things was getting out of control.

I don’t know what else to think. I’m doing whatever I can to take care of myself, yet I’m struggling on getting past this relationship, and the situation I ended up.

As i can see (and from my own experience), they break up for every single detail. Its just too much for them to handle mature relationship with all the colors of the rainbow in it, so to speak. Instead, it is pretty much black and white with them (either youre with me and buying a wedding dress one minute or youre my enemy and i am leaving the next). No middle road, unfortunately.

So while I believe he DOES have feelings for you, he just doesnt know how to deal with them or what to do with them in general. As feelings are usually something that they avoided their whole life, which is why they are an addict in the first place!? Besides, researches state that emotional growth stopped pretty much when they had their first drink. So you can imagine how immature that might be (lets say they started at 15y.o. Or even earlier!?).

Therefore, dont even ask yourself such questions if i can suggest! It doesnt make much sense expecting “a baby to talk if its only a newborn!?” Hope you know what i mean.

He has a real illness and probably a brain damage too from all the alcohol he drank thus far. So you cant expect normal reactions from such person.

I am still in shock with some of the reactions from my XF too, and the way he easily switched off (or so it seems) with all the previous plans we had etc. But, this is their coping mechanism. They dont have a healthy way of handling life! And thats sadly what it is!

Don’t blame yourself! The alcoholic is caught up in a mind maze of substance abuse - if only he would ask himself the same questions you’re asking yourself. But he is not living consciously- sure he is choosing to drink when he said before he was going to get help., but it’s much easier for people to continue with the familiar instead of facing the unknown. You are in the same boat , except you’re facing and feeling the unknown. You’re feeling the pain and trying to understand it and work through it instead of drinking yourself numb to it all. This is the nature of stimulants- Alcohol/ drugs- the feeling of getting high and not caring about anything outweighs a persons character morals values and human connections. The simple things in life that should come first and hold the utmost importance (marriage, family, health, love , truth etc) those things become the least of importance to an alcoholic. Because those bottles of alcohol Keep a wrap on his feelings and dignity. And those magical “moments” you share with him that give you hope , are just in between it all, but not substantial enough to make the breakthrough to enlightenment that is needed to get to a new level of living. I’m in the pits of it as well with My ABF, he has told me many times he loves me more than the world. And then he is out all night parting having fun and giving me silent treatment for weeks and telling me he drinks because of me etc. even though he has been this way his whole life. It’s the only way of life he knows , I tried to offer better - like you I care about my health and being active and surrounding myself with people that will enhance my wellbeing. And then i find myself in love with someone who makes me feel a type of pain I have never felt before it has effected my physical and mental health in indescribable ways. It’s pure tortured, but through it all I have come to realize the lesson it has offered me is to be Grateful and truly cherish and respect myself and this life we are given. Detach and be free and realize your self worth is worth everything.

This gives me some perspective. This is so true, they never seem to stick with one thing, whatever is convenient at that time is what they go for.

i was going over some of our old texts messages this morning. Some times when I suggested that neither of us was happy he would promise changes, always so convincing. Sometimes what I “needed” or wanted to hear. But none of these promises were followed by actions .... all empty promises.

When I tried to break up he would insist that I gave him one more chance ... blah blah blah
he said I was controlling, but by reading the texts I realized how he would say thing that was just good enough so I wouldn’t break up with him, he is the one who was controlling me this whole time. As long as he got what he wanted that’s all that mattered.

Sometimes we would have a 3hrs conversation about the drinking, he would make so many promises, and as soon as we were done talking he would go drink again (I know that because many times I followed him to the grocery store for example, he would drink inside his car before driving back home). I would never approach his car and catch him on a lie, I knew it would take time if he was ever going to stop drinking. At the same time I wanted to know how bad it was.

i am so angry he waited until we moved out from my place to break up, he didn’t even tried like he said he would!

Thank you for your words. I am sorry you are feeling this kind of pain too. I’ve been through break ups before, but what I am feeling this time i can’t even explain what kind of pain is that?!

I can see how they are not thinking straight, at the same time I wonder how can he be so good at what he does at work, how does he get anything he wants, people think he is amazing (he is) but you know what I mean? No one has any idea ... I guess since nobody else know is easy for him to accomplish other things around these people since they are not putting the same pressure I am put on him.

He he is not the kind of alcoholic (or at least not yet) that shows up late or misses work, he always look happy, he has energy and like to have fun, he runs every morning... even when he is sick from drinking no one is able to tell. I just got really good at watching him.

its been awful watching him keep going with his life like I’ve never been someone who actually care about him. I kind feel embarrassed that he is the one who dumped me when I had reason and tried to leave but always believed his promises and stayed.

My ABF is the same. He will stay out all night drinking and then get up a few hours later and go to work. Everyone thinks he is charming great friend /co-worker always going the extra mile for everyone and putting in solid effort at work and his friendships. No one knows the hell that we live behind closed doors! I’m also shocked how he makes promises and never follows through but finds a way to manipulate the situation to where I am to blame and if only I would stop being so controlling! All I know is that accepting this way of living is doing a disservice to myself. I suppose time will heal the pain. I am so sorry you are experiencing it as well. I find that keeping busy doing anything - like today I’m going to go run Around the track which I’ve never done before but the going over everything in my mind won’t stop it’s literally eating away at my mind - I find myself yelling at him about things in my head - I’m going crazy meanwhile he’s hanging out with friends having a naturally good time! Also I’ll be attending al anon meeting tonight, and just keep moving forward.

This makes so much sense. I guess he will be doing whatever makes him feel good about himself. Five days after we broke up I went back to pack my things and tried to talk to him. I mentioned that I wouldn’t be able to go back to the apartment I was before because it was rented. He kind made fun of the situation “oh well life is awful, we broke up and now you have to find a new apartment like everybody else”.

like so many people I also had to work hard even to get a student loan, in his case his parents will be helping him, so I can understand why for him this is not a big deal. But I felt disrespected because he know I don’t have that kind of help, he knew my concerns and yet made fun of it.

But like you said, as long as he doesn’t feel guilty that is all that matters for him.

Girls, please know they NEVER have good time! Unfortunately! It seems like they do! But someone mentioned here recently “they are dying men”-realistically! I would truly LOVE for my X if he would be happy and have a great time. But i know all this sharade is just a mask for an utterly lonely soul who wanders around in darkness and despair, disconnected from life AND itself, trying to numb the deep pain it feels.

So see them as victims, dont be angry at them! And i know its hard, i still get bouts of anger sometimes myself, as I feel fooled by life and everyone and everything! But the truth is, there is no reason or logic behind any of their actions. Because at the end of the day, they are only puppets of alcohol (which is pulling the strings).

My overall advice to both me and you would therefore be- detach with love! There is nothing we can do nor be angry about. It is an ilness that is devastating. And they can STILL beat it themselves. That is, once they are READY! Let us pray that they will be one day!!!!

💐

Fionna I go back and forth thinking like that. At the same time struggling with what I’m feeling. My X had this laugh I loved to hear, but I only heard it when he was drinking. I once mentioned to him that I would only hear that laugh when he was with his friends (because they were always drinking). He also told me this is one of the reasons he broke up. Cuz he had more fun while he was with his friends than with me.

Of course he did, but not because of his friends but because of the common denominator they all share -alcohol!

I discovered that alcoholics dont really have REAL friends! They are just their drinking buddies. So If he would stop drinking entirely tomorrow, soon enough they wouldn't have much (or anything) left to talk about.

Many former alcoholics actually report that- how once they stopped drinking entirely, all those so called friends disappeared or didnt have anything to gather around no longer.

So much about meaningful friendships!

Reading these posts we could all have been dating the same man !! I can’t believe that it’s the same pattern exactly the same all these different men and they all act the same towards women that love them so much and would give them the world, it truly is madness !!
And all the posts that I have gone through where all the women are feeling the pain the heart break of this and we are seeking the help, when we don’t have the illness it’s them.

I have seen the mask my AXB wears !! I’m happy I don’t need anyone my life is good !! Well that’s a lie you need Miss wine.. and I’ve seen him on his down days where his like a child needing comfort and reassurance from me and me to stroke his head while his laying there feeling sorry for himself, I get angry when I think about all this pain this illness this addiction has caused so many amazing women and we are !!
We are good women who deserve to be loved, we deserved to be put first for them to comfort us when we need comforting, someone that doesn’t stink of alcohol, someone you know will walk out the door on a night out and you can sleep well knowing that they are not going to do something stupid ( ok some men still do that) but you know what I mean.
i posted on here the other day and I have read and read so many posts heartbreaking and relatable posts thinking that’s My life I did that he did that and you know what I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here second guessing what his doing now, go get drunk go repeat repeat you life and all the same mistakes again and again and they do my ex had loads of relationships I just stuck around the longest !!
i know I’m a good person and I know one day I will find someone who will treat me right all of us will..
it hurts it’s a shock but what have we really lost , I’m sitting here now on my sofa in my house on my own not with him and his bottle, not worrying that I’ve got work tomorrow and I’ve got to try and get him to bed at 2am 3am today is my first day forward and I’m going on that direction now not backwards.

totally agree with this !! My ex would go out drinking with his mates always knew he would be on a terrible state all day drinking as well.
when home drinking always on fb or chatting to then laughing and they all drink as much as him he’d sit there for hours sometimes in the garden laughing at his phone

my place was kind of isolated. We lived there for 3 years, He didn’t like it very much and was asking for us to move for a while. At first I didn’t want to cus I always had on the back of my mind I needed to be able to afford myself if for whatever reason he is gone. We had a conversation about everything and I chose to trust that he was actually committed and serious about getting help, and I told him I would be there for him. I know I made a big mistake and I was scared the whole time. I tried to break up with him 3 weeks before we moved he went down in his knees and asked me to not break up with him.

i kind think he did that on purpose, I am also starting to think he maybe was talking to someone else even before the break up. He said I could stay in the new apartment and he would move out, I asked him if he forgot the conversation we had when we decided to move, he replied by saying yes I get you have other bills and can’t afford this place by yourself so I will stay.

there was no sign that we would break up from that little argument. I didn’t see it coming at all.

i am so frustrated, and I think at times how could I be so stupid?!