Help - - I don’t know what else to think
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
My alcoholic ex’s delusional concept of love was that when you get into a relationship with somebody, you love everything about them and you think all of their bad habits are cute, and if/when you no longer think that, you break up with them. Right before he dumped me, he said something like, everything that he once found cute about me, he later on found repulsive. So technically he did change, but he found a way to do so without taking any responsibility for his role in the relationship, saying it was 100% my fault.
So, it’s not you.
So, it’s not you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe 
Girls, please know they NEVER have good time! Unfortunately! It seems like they do! But someone mentioned here recently “they are dying men”-realistically! I would truly LOVE for my X if he would be happy and have a great time. But i know all this sharade is just a mask for an utterly lonely soul who wanders around in darkness and despair, disconnected from life AND itself, trying to numb the deep pain it feels.
So see them as victims, dont be angry at them! And i know its hard, i still get bouts of anger sometimes myself, as I feel fooled by life and everyone and everything! But the truth is, there is no reason or logic behind any of their actions. Because at the end of the day, they are only puppets of alcohol (which is pulling the strings).
My overall advice to both me and you would therefore be- detach with love! There is nothing we can do nor be angry about. It is an ilness that is devastating. And they can STILL beat it themselves. That is, once they are READY! Let us pray that they will be one day!!!!
💐
So see them as victims, dont be angry at them! And i know its hard, i still get bouts of anger sometimes myself, as I feel fooled by life and everyone and everything! But the truth is, there is no reason or logic behind any of their actions. Because at the end of the day, they are only puppets of alcohol (which is pulling the strings).
My overall advice to both me and you would therefore be- detach with love! There is nothing we can do nor be angry about. It is an ilness that is devastating. And they can STILL beat it themselves. That is, once they are READY! Let us pray that they will be one day!!!!
💐
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
I’m attending Al-anon and going to therapy learning a lot... however I can’t stop blaming myself for everything,
Prayer, meditation and my local community domestic violence recovery center have helped immensely in addition to Al-Anon. Emotional abuse is abuse.
Pray, pause, step back. Repeat. Open myself to the good in life. Embracing change.
One day at a time.
Therapy/counseling can be helpful or hurtful. I've experienced both. Prayer, meditation and being in the moment has helped me with this, also.
Good luck! There is healing in many things. As you heal, this can quickly snowball into new skills, tools and knowledge of how to move forward with kindness, love and joy.
Prayer, meditation and my local community domestic violence recovery center have helped immensely in addition to Al-Anon. Emotional abuse is abuse.
Pray, pause, step back. Repeat. Open myself to the good in life. Embracing change.
One day at a time.
Therapy/counseling can be helpful or hurtful. I've experienced both. Prayer, meditation and being in the moment has helped me with this, also.
Good luck! There is healing in many things. As you heal, this can quickly snowball into new skills, tools and knowledge of how to move forward with kindness, love and joy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Oh, I'm so sorry. This is the depth of an active alcoholic's feelings, unfortunately. They trade one enabler for another and leave brutally. Feel the pain and cry, pound pillows, whatever it takes. You're in grief for the loss of a relationship, even if it wasn't a healthy one. Have you tried Alanon? For me it was a lifesaver.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Oh, I'm so sorry. This is the depth of an active alcoholic's feelings, unfortunately. They trade one enabler for another and leave brutally. Feel the pain and cry, pound pillows, whatever it takes. You're in grief for the loss of a relationship, even if it wasn't a healthy one. Have you tried Alanon? For me it was a lifesaver.
Im forcing myself to eat so things doesn’t get worse, keeping myself busy. I tried going to the gym this morning, I don’t know what is going on every time I go to the gym I feel panic, like something really bad is about to happen. I set down and cried some more.
I am so angry at myself, I fell like I abandoned myself my feeling and everything that was important to me to trust someone I knew wouldn’t keep his promises.
I asked him what would happened if we actually had got married. He said of course we would be getting a divorce. He never showed emotions, even during the times I tried to break up and he would ask me not to because -fill in the blank with promises-. I don’t even know why I would except that he would be hurting.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Try not to be angry with yourself. You didn't do anything "wrong" just got caught up with an addict and I mean, how much did you know about addiction before now? It's not like they teach it in school. If nothing else you now know what it looks like and can avoid it.
He may just be a jerk (I mean he behaves like one) or he may just be an alcoholic. He may have tried to manipulate you, he may have just been making irrational decisions (he sounds like he didn't know what he was doing).
I'm sorry you are feeling panicky when you go to the gym. Right now, while you are wound up, maybe gentler exercise is in order? How about a long walk (or short!) listening to calming music? If you want to go to the gym, maybe keep it really simple, say only walk on the treadmill and no need to race, just a slow pace again, listening to soothing music.
As we always say, take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. You need some extra care.
He may just be a jerk (I mean he behaves like one) or he may just be an alcoholic. He may have tried to manipulate you, he may have just been making irrational decisions (he sounds like he didn't know what he was doing).
I'm sorry you are feeling panicky when you go to the gym. Right now, while you are wound up, maybe gentler exercise is in order? How about a long walk (or short!) listening to calming music? If you want to go to the gym, maybe keep it really simple, say only walk on the treadmill and no need to race, just a slow pace again, listening to soothing music.
As we always say, take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. You need some extra care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by trailmix
Try not to be angry with yourself. You didn't do anything "wrong" just got caught up with an addict and I mean, how much did you know about addiction before now? It's not like they teach it in school. If nothing else you now know what it looks like and can avoid it.
He may just be a jerk (I mean he behaves like one) or he may just be an alcoholic. He may have tried to manipulate you, he may have just been making irrational decisions (he sounds like he didn't know what he was doing).
I'm sorry you are feeling panicky when you go to the gym. Right now, while you are wound up, maybe gentler exercise is in order? How about a long walk (or short!) listening to calming music? If you want to go to the gym, maybe keep it really simple, say only walk on the treadmill and no need to race, just a slow pace again, listening to soothing music.
As we always say, take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. You need some extra care.
He may just be a jerk (I mean he behaves like one) or he may just be an alcoholic. He may have tried to manipulate you, he may have just been making irrational decisions (he sounds like he didn't know what he was doing).
I'm sorry you are feeling panicky when you go to the gym. Right now, while you are wound up, maybe gentler exercise is in order? How about a long walk (or short!) listening to calming music? If you want to go to the gym, maybe keep it really simple, say only walk on the treadmill and no need to race, just a slow pace again, listening to soothing music.
As we always say, take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. You need some extra care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by choublak
My alcoholic ex’s delusional concept of love was that when you get into a relationship with somebody, you love everything about them and you think all of their bad habits are cute, and if/when you no longer think that, you break up with them. Right before he dumped me, he said something like, everything that he once found cute about me, he later on found repulsive. So technically he did change, but he found a way to do so without taking any responsibility for his role in the relationship, saying it was 100% my fault.
So, it’s not you.
So, it’s not you.
He said I was jealous and controlling and he wanted freedom. Made me feel I was the one who ruined the relationship all by myself, and he tried to offer me a good life but I didn’t wanted it. Ugh makes me so mad.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by Nara
that’s exactly how I feel. Specially because the day we broke up our argument wasn’t about alcohol.
He said I was jealous and controlling and he wanted freedom. Made me feel I was the one who ruined the relationship all by myself, and he tried to offer me a good life but I didn’t wanted it. Ugh makes me so mad.
You certainly didn't ruin the relationship all by yourself. You know when you think about it, the bottom line is you did not want to live with a person who drinks too much and likes to party (alcoholic or not). He is a person who likes to drink way too much.
That can't work, never could. Now to him, what he is doing is perfectly ok, he is who he is, take it or leave it. Finally he realizes you aren't going to "take" it, so that only leaves one way - out.
It kind of makes sense. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who drinks too much and makes you miserable. Even if you understood what you do now about addiction, you might have approached him differently but the end result would be the same - he drinks like an alcoholic.
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