NotAPeach

Hi again. I see many new names and recognize a lot of "old" ones. I don't think I posted here very often but I did benefit from reading many, many threads and many stories here.

I thought I would provide an update on what has happened since I first found this forum. Originally I came across it because I discovered, and my husband admitted, that he was an alcoholic and drug addict. This happened on our 33rd wedding anniversary. The drugs were oxycodone with ultimately a fentanyl patch added so that at its peak, he was prescribed 50 mcg of fentanyl and 120 mg of oxycodone a day by the VA. He also would smoke weed that his coworker, also an alcoholic, would provide for him. This was hidden from me because I can't tolerate that and he knew it.

After many years of being on the oxycodone and a few years of fentanyl added to it, it became obvious that this gravy train of narcotics was coming to an end, so my husband tried to wean himself off of them and started using alcohol to help with that. He also hid that from me most of the time, unless there was a social reason to be drinking. However, toward the end he was not doing a very good job of hiding it.

By the time he went to rehab several thousand miles from our home state, he was drinking 3 bottles of rum a week. I think they were the "fifth" size but honestly I've forgotten now, and who cares anyway.

So that all happened a little over two years ago. He went off to rehab for a couple of months. While he was gone, my sister was diagnosed with and died from pancreatic (and other) cancer. She was a physician, an internist, and I believe she had gotten hooked also on prescription pain meds. When she retired as a physician and moved across the country and five miles from me along with her husband, we had a couple of good years and then she got sick. At the end, she was reunited with her pain meds and also was going through 3 bottles of Jameson's a week. Another sister had agreed to take point on managing that situation but bailed in a spectacular way, leaving me to walk into a complete chaotic disaster, pull myself together, and manage the crapstorm. That was about a month after my husband went to rehab, and I really was not doing well at all, but I did it with the help of one of my daughters.

I flew out to get him from rehab and we spent a weird but great 5 days tooling around a very famous coastal highway in a convertible, staying in a yurt and some awesome hotel rooms. Then back to reality, which was also weird for a good amount of time. There were some setbacks for my husband along the way, which you can check my posts and read about, but no relapse to narcotics or alcohol.

During all that time, I saw my own therapist and still do. I had just enrolled in grad school when this all happened. I completed that this past June and now have an MBA. Shortly after that, I finally started tackling the long put-off task of attending to my own health. That's when I learned I have a pretty rocking case of diabetes in addition to some mild hypertension. I'm now halfway through the screening things, with a clear mammogram and an a-OK colonoscopy just this week. Taking control of my health was very, very long overdue and not something I can really blame on my husband, although I probably would if I could. I am in the presurgical stage of weight loss surgery and have lost 25 pounds so far and feel much better.

Things with my husband are going great. He went to two meetings this week--usually he just goes to one--and he seems committed to his sobriety. My therapist told me early on that I don't have a problem with boundaries and I have reflected on this observation many times in the last year or 18 months. I think she is right. There was a toxic sister who stole my dead sister's belongings after dead sister's husband also died a year ago (I think a year ago today actually) and refused to return them to our niece, the dead sister's daughter. That ended up in a lawsuit, which I fully supported, and my niece ultimately ended up in a settlement that she was perfectly happy with and now has enough of her mom's stuff back that she is satisfied. None of the stuff was anything I was even remotely connected to or interested in, so my support was just as a person who was party to the way things went down, which was different from what my alive sister was claiming, since she was lying through her teeth, and also as a support to my sister's daughter, because that is what my sister would have wanted.

From all of that, I cut my toxic sister out of my life for the third and final time. I wish her well, hope she finds peace, but once I finally figured out what was going on (I believe she has a narcissistic personality disorder), I realized this was never going to change and I had to walk away and take myself out of the drama equation. The last time I actually talked to toxic sister was last November or December, when she showed up on my doorstep unannounced in the middle of a workday (I work from home) making demands. After she realized I was not going to give her what she wanted, she started with the GFY stuff, which I happily reciprocated. Then I took a deep breath and scorched the earth, laying some truths on her that nobody has dared voice to her face in decades. I imagine that will keep her away for a good, long time.

Anyway, since grad school is over, I have allowed myself to do more of the stuff I really, really enjoy. It's dorky stuff, so don't get excited: Reading and paper crafting. I have secured a spot on a design team doing paper crafty stuff and am exploring other creative pursuits in the paper crafting world.

My relationship with my husband is much better than it was two years ago when he went to rehab. I am cautiously optimistic about the future, but I am still working toward a potential reality that I will need to be completely independent. Hopefully this will not ever happen, but I never want to feel trapped again like I did two years ago. I am not quite to the 100% financially independent (or able to be) yet--but so much closer than I was two years ago. It has also felt really good to set and achieve goals over the last two years, even though it was often extremely difficult, particularly in the early months after my husband went to rehab.

I just thought I would give this update, which turned out to be longer and more in-depth than I thought it would be, because I would often search out people whose stories took a positive turn with a partner (or qualifier) who achieved sobriety for some length of time. It's a very sad thing that there are not nearly as many of those stories as there should be, as we all wish there would be.

Thanks for reading this. I wish you all well and will try to check in more often. I have thought often of so many of you and hoped you were doing well.

TriStrong

That is really a powerful post, NotAPeach. I'm in a rough place right now with my XAF and hearing a success story was really good. I love how you did the self care just right, it seems. That's something I am still learning to try to do.

dandylion

NotApeach…...lol...I think you actualy ARE a peach!
I am so glad that you came to post your story.....and, to hear h ow well you are doing...…
I think that your decision to return to school and have the goal of financial independence was so Smart...Smart...Smart.....!
I think that the lack of financial independence can be one factor that keeps so many people feeling stuck......

honeypig

I remember you, Peach, and I'm glad you came back to give us an update. You've come a long way. Wherever you're ultimately supposed to end up, I have complete confidence that you will get there.

Wishing you strength, peace and clarity.