Well, guess I am not crazy (are any of us ever?) for thinking that despite all the talk of getting his life together and passing soberlink for kid time, that he was indeed still drinking.

He was in an accident yesterday (my name still on title for that car along w his, and still on the same insurance as the policy renewed before divorce was final and I, like an idiot, didn’t cancel mid policy). I got all the contacts from insurance and he tells me it was a rear end on the freeway when traffic slowed and he couldn’t stop). I was tempted to look up the police blotter but I didn’t. Then my secretary reached out today with a screen shot that he was arrested on DUI for over .08 yesterday; she saw it totally randomly and knows my situation and my wonder if he is just playing sober for custody reasons.

Its a relief in a way since I have been feeling like a jerk for assuming he was drunk all hours except when on soberlink for visits. But he’s supposed to get an overnight a week back in December if he doesn’t fail any sober link tests. He was also ordered to AA which I’m sure he doesn’t do but it’s not written in the order as a dealbreaker. So. This isn’t exactly a violation of the order but the judge was deeply unimpressed with his conduct so I think it maybe is enough to push off the overnights. He will have his license for a while before it will probably get pulled. Kind of thinking I wait until after when it should be pulled and see if he fesses to having no license or tries to drive his kid without one. More ammo to stop the overnights. I have lucked out and I have a judge who actually gives a crap.

Financially I am a little worried. Divorce is final and we didn’t renew insurance as married when we weren’t, but I am scared they are going to be pissed we didn’t separate the policies. In the settlement it’s totally his care and we aren’t married so if he gets sued (if anyone actually got hurt) I think I am ok, but I worry that insurance will refuse to cover it and then decide it’s my problem too since I didn’t tell them about the divorce yet. But my name is officially on title so having it on my policy isn’t crazy. And i guess if they disallow the claim that just means he is on the hook for damages. And if they raise my rate for a claim I can leave the insurance company and it won’t be on my record because he won’t be on for my car.

Also. This sucks in being another nail in the coffin for his health. It was a year ago he had the liver failure cause hospitalization and it looks like he only took the rehab time off from drinking. His survival chances aren’t good based on his complications to date. I feel like as of today I can’t see a world in which my kid has a dad (idiot or not) by the time she’s 10.

And I want to say for all the newbies (which I guess I am not anymore) that’s it’s always ok to leave.

I left a year ago just when he started rehab (at my insistence) after a hospitalization for a liver failure. There were no failed ultimatums or screaming fights about his drinking, I never knew the scope of it while we were together and when I realized what was happening, on top of the fact he’d been a terrible jerk to me for years, and was starting to act that way towards our child, I just left.

I felt like a terrible person for not giving him the chance to get better, when he swore he was turning his life around. I felt terrible for leaving when I thought he was at his worst, with the health problem having come to a head.

But what I know now was that it was only the first time he said he would stop drinking/or had stopped drinking, when that wasn’t true. And what I know now is that what seemed to me like leaving him at his absolute worst, was actually just me leaving him somewhere in the downward spiral. And if I had made a decision to stay out of guilt, when he begged and begged, I would be feeling like a fool today.

if the last year has taught me anything, it’s that whenever you’ve had enough, it’s always the right time to leave. They will either get their lives together, or be miserable forever, and the fantasy that you will jump off the crazy train just when they pull it out and improve is just that. Mine sure tried to make it look like I was jumping ship and “a quitter“ when I had had enough, but the reality is it is the best decision I have ever made.

I’ll def. talk it out w the custody attorney. I don’t think it would get his daytime tested visits pulled which is why I was thinking wait and see if he makes it worse before the overnights are supposed to kick in. I just don’t know whether the DUI itself will be enough to stop the overnights if Kid wasn’t there and he’s been demonstrably not drunk w kid since the order. I hope it’s enough but I don’t know. I can’t really afford the lawyer to do all of this for me so I will keep doing it myself but yeah I need an experienced eye. But being strategic (and lucky) about timing is the only reason I got the order I did that I think is keeping kid safe to date.

Yeah. It was a matter of time. And was super likely between the cancelled visits and the shakes I have seen a few times. But now I actually know with facts instead of just my gut. Sigh.

thank you so much. That makes me feel much better. If the car is totaled, then it won’t be an issue going forward because he would have to get a new policy. We are not married anymore so he can’t just piggyback on mine. And if it isn’t totaled, I will file a notice of non-responsibility or whatever I need to with DMV because he did take ownership of the car. I will definitely put in the effort.

regarding custody, I looked at my order and it stronger than I thought. It says he has to be sober for six months, not just pass sober link tests for six months. So I will keep on top of the case and figure out how it is ultimately resolved, but I feel like I can use this to support my position without even having to go back to court. Because obviously he has zero months sober.

When it’s court ordered I think they can get an attendance slip of some kind? Don’t know first hand.

Well, the AA doesn’t really matter from my perspective. It wont force him to change his life and it doesn’t make him any more or less safe w my kid. It matters only in the sense it makes it pretty clear he’s a hard case if he is where he is only a few months after the soberlink/Aa order. The judge seemed to be trying to scare him/talk sense into him. I feel like it’s maybe relevant to decision of whether to charge him criminally (he’s not just some poor slob who miscalculated at happy hour, if there is such a thing.). He’s a serious addict who is a danger even after already pretty serious consequences and after the court ordered attempt to make hIm care.

Well, the car is totaled. So that means the insurance will pay off the loan, which has my name on it too, and pay him out the rest (per our agreement in the divorce that he owns the car). Which is good, as there will no longer be any thing in the world with my name attached to it that is under his control.

I guess also for dramatic effect in the course of future custody disputes, I can now say without hyperbole that he “got drunk and totaled his car”.

Between the events and how terrible he looks at the moment, my sense is that he’s going to unravel even faster for a while. My gut is telling me he is weeks, not years, away from his next health crisis, just by looking at him, and with either no drivers license or a breathalyzer installed in his car to keep the license, throwing himself back into trying to find the next girlfriend to ease the sting will be difficult. And I am not going to give at all on the custody stuff which he tries to use as a way to feel less like a piece of dirt when other things are going poorly.

I just see a lot of self-imposed misery coming and expect it to be drowned in vodka and make everything worse. It has been a quiet couple of months in terms of having to peripherally deal with him. I can see the maelstrom forming now and I am going to have to plant my feet hard not to get sucked in to the mess.