Hanging in but it is challenging
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Hanging in but it is challenging
Hi all. Here’s my update. AH is sober 2 weeks. Thank god. But i am having my challenges. I know intellectually that it takes a long time. But emotionally having been through so much i am having trouble keeping my feelings in control. Tonight i freaked out bc he was a little dismissive about something. Turned into a whole thing because i got hysterical. And it is because of all the feelings underneath from years of living with an AH. I am calm now. All in all things have been good and he is trying hard and is focused on being sober. He did explain to me that he needs time to get his emotions back and I understand. I am just impatient sometimes. I guess the best thing is to try to give myself and him a break. I have a few things that im doing this week without him and maybe a little space is good for both of us. Next weekend we are going to try to get away for a couple days. Trying to find serenity and understanding for myself
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Laur are you attending Al-anon or a counsellor or somewhere you can express your feelings? Otherwise you're going to bottle everything up and when it comes out it's not nice.
You're right in saying it's very early days. The best thing you can do is keep your distance while allowing your support to come out in very small doses. I see you've worked this out to a certain extent.
Chances are your AH is just hanging on and needs some space.
You're right in saying it's very early days. The best thing you can do is keep your distance while allowing your support to come out in very small doses. I see you've worked this out to a certain extent.
Chances are your AH is just hanging on and needs some space.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Laur…...I know that you were planning to give notice on Oct. 1....so that you could move out on Nov. 1, since he wouldn't move......am I correct in this understanding?
I know that you have been exhausted from such a long time living in the chaos and stress from the drinking behaviors. You have felt a need to have more space between the two of you.....which is understandable with what you have shared in your threads.....
Have you shelved those plans since he has been sober for two weeks? How are you supporting your boundaries for yourself?
It is so common to get a surge of hope, again, after any glimmer of peace or niceness from the alcoholic. So much "hope" is invested in the desire for them to be sober. It becomes like every thing hangs on whether they reach for the bottle. Everything.
From your threads, it sounds like he is pretty far along in his addiction ….in addition to his family history of alcoholism and enabling (in addition to enabling in this relationship). So many treatment "failures"---which begs the question of, maybe, a dual -diagnosis...?
What I am getting at, is that with all this background..and drinking through the whole marriage....that it is possible that he is a person who will need much longer, intensive rehab, program and therapy....It doesn't give a picture of a person for whom a short turnaround is in the picture...…
I just hate to see you getting whiplash for repeatedly grabbing onto that ring of hope...and have it jerked away from you, again....
How will you ever get the respite and peace that you need....
I hope that you are thinking about your boundaries and how you plan to enforce them......
I know that you have been exhausted from such a long time living in the chaos and stress from the drinking behaviors. You have felt a need to have more space between the two of you.....which is understandable with what you have shared in your threads.....
Have you shelved those plans since he has been sober for two weeks? How are you supporting your boundaries for yourself?
It is so common to get a surge of hope, again, after any glimmer of peace or niceness from the alcoholic. So much "hope" is invested in the desire for them to be sober. It becomes like every thing hangs on whether they reach for the bottle. Everything.
From your threads, it sounds like he is pretty far along in his addiction ….in addition to his family history of alcoholism and enabling (in addition to enabling in this relationship). So many treatment "failures"---which begs the question of, maybe, a dual -diagnosis...?
What I am getting at, is that with all this background..and drinking through the whole marriage....that it is possible that he is a person who will need much longer, intensive rehab, program and therapy....It doesn't give a picture of a person for whom a short turnaround is in the picture...…
I just hate to see you getting whiplash for repeatedly grabbing onto that ring of hope...and have it jerked away from you, again....
How will you ever get the respite and peace that you need....
I hope that you are thinking about your boundaries and how you plan to enforce them......
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Yes, where do you express your feelings, keeping them bottled up like that and then having it all come out in a rush of emotion/anger isn't great for you!
While you are holding back so as not to upset him it still must be affecting your day and your mood and your life,
You mentioned he is attending meetings/has a sponsor, and has a therapist. How is all that going? Is he still using the breathalyzer, going to therapy and attending meetings regularly?
I know that his "effort" is his side of the street, but it obviously affects you.
While you are holding back so as not to upset him it still must be affecting your day and your mood and your life,
You mentioned he is attending meetings/has a sponsor, and has a therapist. How is all that going? Is he still using the breathalyzer, going to therapy and attending meetings regularly?
I know that his "effort" is his side of the street, but it obviously affects you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Thank you
Hi Mango And all. Been super busy and haven’t been on here at all. I am doing well and things are going in the right direction. AH is around 40 days. He is doing really well. We are trying to get our life back. We have plans all the weekends in Nov with friends. He is being normal towards me and we had a good weekend away a couple weeks ago. I understand years of alcoholic behavior do not disappear and we are not out of the woods. Just Taking care of myself and my job. Family stuff still sucks and the ex wife is attempting to cause problems. But just going to worry about myself and the people i care about. He is at mtgs therapist and with sponsor. I am going to my meetings. He is still a little cranky and we are not perfect and I don’t want to jinx anything. But right now things are pretty good. Thanks for asking!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
