Grief, peace, and heartbreak.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 40
Grief, peace, and heartbreak.
Hello again everyone. It’s been a little over 9 weeks since AH moved out. I have started to post here several times, but my emotions have been so jumbled that I didn’t even really know what to write, to be honest.
For what felt like ages (but was probably a good solid 3ish weeks), I cried. Buckets. About everything. There were times that I thought it would literally drive me insane, and then there were times that the pain was so deep that I couldn’t cry. I have just recently begun to move past the shell shock and disbelief that yes, he actually moved out and is still drinking. In my mind, I was completely convinced that moving away from his family would be his wake up call. It obliterated me to find that this was not the case.
In fact, it seems to have almost had the opposite effect on him. He has insisted to several of our friends that I’m just trying to control his drinking and I’m completely irrational. He says he is an alcoholic but denies that it has caused any problems in his life, and that our separation is a good ‘break’ for us. He sees Kiddo every day, kind of hangs out with him the way a big brother might, but has not offered to help financially in any way. If I bring it up, he reminds me indignantly that he can’t afford it and works part time. He does still manage finances for alcohol, though.
I have been doing my utmost best to stay on my side of the street. I’m generally a private person, and was pretty mortified to find out he had been broadcasting everything to our friends. I keep reminding myself that it’s his right to talk about it, though, just like it’s my right to keep it quiet. I’m positive it’s his guilty conscience more than it is anything, and that’s his side of the street, not mine.
Kiddo seems to be doing really well. He is hurt, of course, but he has talked pretty openly with me a few times, and with some other trusted adults (pastor, scout leader), so I don’t think he’s holding it all in. So far, he’s doing great at school (straight A’s at midterm!) and he’s been asked to join Beta Club. I am so grateful and so proud. I was terrified that I was going to monumentally screw his life up. This is a situation I never wanted for any of us, but I’m trying to show Kiddo that we can get through this. It might take a lot of tears and nights of tossing and turning, but we can do it.
If I’m completely honest, my home is so much more peaceful now. We have a predictable routine, and I feel more like the mother I’ve wanted to be all along. I can focus on enjoying my time with my child rather than trying to keep him from seeing his dad drunk out in the garage. It just hurts so much and makes me want to choke AH all at the same time. He is not the same man I married, and I don’t know if I will ever see that man again. And I’m trying my best to learn how to live with that.
For what felt like ages (but was probably a good solid 3ish weeks), I cried. Buckets. About everything. There were times that I thought it would literally drive me insane, and then there were times that the pain was so deep that I couldn’t cry. I have just recently begun to move past the shell shock and disbelief that yes, he actually moved out and is still drinking. In my mind, I was completely convinced that moving away from his family would be his wake up call. It obliterated me to find that this was not the case.
In fact, it seems to have almost had the opposite effect on him. He has insisted to several of our friends that I’m just trying to control his drinking and I’m completely irrational. He says he is an alcoholic but denies that it has caused any problems in his life, and that our separation is a good ‘break’ for us. He sees Kiddo every day, kind of hangs out with him the way a big brother might, but has not offered to help financially in any way. If I bring it up, he reminds me indignantly that he can’t afford it and works part time. He does still manage finances for alcohol, though.
I have been doing my utmost best to stay on my side of the street. I’m generally a private person, and was pretty mortified to find out he had been broadcasting everything to our friends. I keep reminding myself that it’s his right to talk about it, though, just like it’s my right to keep it quiet. I’m positive it’s his guilty conscience more than it is anything, and that’s his side of the street, not mine.
Kiddo seems to be doing really well. He is hurt, of course, but he has talked pretty openly with me a few times, and with some other trusted adults (pastor, scout leader), so I don’t think he’s holding it all in. So far, he’s doing great at school (straight A’s at midterm!) and he’s been asked to join Beta Club. I am so grateful and so proud. I was terrified that I was going to monumentally screw his life up. This is a situation I never wanted for any of us, but I’m trying to show Kiddo that we can get through this. It might take a lot of tears and nights of tossing and turning, but we can do it.
If I’m completely honest, my home is so much more peaceful now. We have a predictable routine, and I feel more like the mother I’ve wanted to be all along. I can focus on enjoying my time with my child rather than trying to keep him from seeing his dad drunk out in the garage. It just hurts so much and makes me want to choke AH all at the same time. He is not the same man I married, and I don’t know if I will ever see that man again. And I’m trying my best to learn how to live with that.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Oh, sweetie. I’m sorry. Sometimes things just suck...doing the right thing sucks...being the grownup sucks...grieving dead dreams really sucks.
If there’s comfort that be had right now, know two things: first, you absolutely did the right thing for your son. He needs a parent he can trust to be his parent, not an overgrown playground buddy. He has you, thank goodness.
Second, time will be your friend. I know the hurt and bewilderment seem interminable right now, but every day you get through adds a tiny bit more distance and perspective. And ultimately, peace of mind.
You will get through it. And the example you are setting for your son...strength, authenticity, maturity, responsibility...is truly priceless.
Sending you a big fierce hug.
If there’s comfort that be had right now, know two things: first, you absolutely did the right thing for your son. He needs a parent he can trust to be his parent, not an overgrown playground buddy. He has you, thank goodness.
Second, time will be your friend. I know the hurt and bewilderment seem interminable right now, but every day you get through adds a tiny bit more distance and perspective. And ultimately, peace of mind.
You will get through it. And the example you are setting for your son...strength, authenticity, maturity, responsibility...is truly priceless.
Sending you a big fierce hug.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by saudade8277 
He is not the same man I married, and I don’t know if I will ever see that man again. And I’m trying my best to learn how to live with that.
Now I say that not because there is anything wrong with how you are feeling, there is not - also not because it has "gone on too long" or anything like that, this is a huge deal and very hurtful and there is no wrong way to feel. I only suggest it because there are brighter days ahead and having that extra support might help you to reach that sooner and save yourself some pain.
He is obviously well within his addiction and feeling pretty self righteous about it.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California
Posts: 143
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Really grieving the loss of the person and also of the life you had envisioned for yourself and for your kiddo seems important.
I sure do relate to your post. We do have similarities! My stbxah has basically done lots of the same things. I thought the prospect of losing our family structure would be enough too but it wasn't - he's still drinking, more than he ever was before, I think. I also relate to what you say about having more peace now and being able to actually parent in a better way.
I sure do relate to your post. We do have similarities! My stbxah has basically done lots of the same things. I thought the prospect of losing our family structure would be enough too but it wasn't - he's still drinking, more than he ever was before, I think. I also relate to what you say about having more peace now and being able to actually parent in a better way.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
I am so sorry you are going through this! Happened to me too- I was hoping he will ‘wake up’ and see how our relationship and future family life is much more precious than alcohol. But he made a quick and for me terrifying decision, to continue drinking and then even went further into saying how he lost all his emotions for me to begin with (and the date was already set for our wedding).....
I guess they cant help themselves. It is a disease of the mind, and it is devastating.
I hope you’ll get through this. I still struggle daily and have huge ups and downs in relation to this whole situation. And it has been almost 6 months already since our initial breakup.
Stay safe!
I guess they cant help themselves. It is a disease of the mind, and it is devastating.
I hope you’ll get through this. I still struggle daily and have huge ups and downs in relation to this whole situation. And it has been almost 6 months already since our initial breakup.
Stay safe!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
It's so hard. My heart goes out to you. EXAH replaced me almost immediately and I had him booted out to sober him up. Nothing WE do works. They just replace and continue. It's insane. I just focus on me and the kids. They're stuck with an alcoholic dad which poses all sorts of problems.
It's a mental illness.. Its a craziness that just does not compute even when they're faced with their own death
It's a mental illness.. Its a craziness that just does not compute even when they're faced with their own death
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Saudade…..I would say that, at just 9 weeks, you are doing very well.....
I know it seems like a long time to you, but it isn't in the big picture.....
Grieving and adjusting to your new normal takes more than 2 1/4th months....
I know it seems like a long time to you, but it isn't in the big picture.....
Grieving and adjusting to your new normal takes more than 2 1/4th months....
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Saudade - how are you doing these days? I saw your screen name on one of the replies from an older post of mine and wanted to check on you. I myself and mustering up the courage to leave my AH (albeit stupidly hoping he will decide to stop drinking but knowing there's a good chance he won't).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 40
Hey FWN! Me and my kiddo are doing good. I have started to post on here about 60 different times, but I always get stuck and end up reading, re-reading, and then deleting what i type. I’m my own worst critic!
AH is still drinking and we are still separated. He sees our son just about every day for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, but still treats him more like a buddy than as his son. He has had a few overnights with kiddo, but I have picked him up three times because he was uncomfortable at his dad’s. AH wasn’t staggering drunk on those occasions, but he was definitely tipsy. He’s still completely in denial about having any kind of problem, and has not attempted to help support kiddo financially at all. The couple times I’ve asked, he’s acted totally shocked that I asked and has said he’s completely broke, but somehow he has always had enough for his beer (expensive beer at that!).
I have finally accepted that I can’t expect him to react in a mature or responsible way about anything. This has been extremely hard to learn, but it has paid off dividends for me because I am no longer completely blowing up with rage and disbelief every time I talk to him. I wish that he would make different decisions, and I wish that there was a chance for our marriage, but I’ve also been wishing for a million dollars and that hasn’t happened yet either, lol. I can’t make decisions that will affect kiddo’s life and my own based on what I wish would happen.
At the end of October I was diagnosed with diabetes and found out that my blood sugar levels were dangerously high. AH never once asked how I was feeling, or if there was anything he could do... he literally just said, “Wow, that sucks.” He then went on to talk about how he had pulled a muscle at work and how much pain he was in, and how it had derailed his whole week. That was an eye opening moment for me. It made me realize that the relationship I used to have with him is gone. He is completely self centered at this point in his life, and as much as that hurt me, it had helped me make the decision to divorce him. After we get through Christmas I am going to start the process.
In in the meantime, I have been busting my butt to change my diet and take my meds, and have managed to get my blood sugars down to almost normal numbers. I have lost about 15 pounds or so and cannot believe how much better I feel physically. I’m grieving my marriage, but still looking for the silver lining day to day. And kiddo is adapting really well. He’s doing some after school stuff and loving it, his grades are excellent, and overall there is just an ease I see in him now that it’s just me and him here at home. Our home life doesn’t revolve around an active alcoholic anymore, and while I know he misses his dad, I can visibly SEE the relief on him daily since that unpredictability is gone.
Sorry that turned into a book! I come here all the time and read, but for the last few months I’ve just been laying low and trying to processing everything. I’m so glad you reached out and pulled me back out of my shell 😊
AH is still drinking and we are still separated. He sees our son just about every day for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, but still treats him more like a buddy than as his son. He has had a few overnights with kiddo, but I have picked him up three times because he was uncomfortable at his dad’s. AH wasn’t staggering drunk on those occasions, but he was definitely tipsy. He’s still completely in denial about having any kind of problem, and has not attempted to help support kiddo financially at all. The couple times I’ve asked, he’s acted totally shocked that I asked and has said he’s completely broke, but somehow he has always had enough for his beer (expensive beer at that!).
I have finally accepted that I can’t expect him to react in a mature or responsible way about anything. This has been extremely hard to learn, but it has paid off dividends for me because I am no longer completely blowing up with rage and disbelief every time I talk to him. I wish that he would make different decisions, and I wish that there was a chance for our marriage, but I’ve also been wishing for a million dollars and that hasn’t happened yet either, lol. I can’t make decisions that will affect kiddo’s life and my own based on what I wish would happen.
At the end of October I was diagnosed with diabetes and found out that my blood sugar levels were dangerously high. AH never once asked how I was feeling, or if there was anything he could do... he literally just said, “Wow, that sucks.” He then went on to talk about how he had pulled a muscle at work and how much pain he was in, and how it had derailed his whole week. That was an eye opening moment for me. It made me realize that the relationship I used to have with him is gone. He is completely self centered at this point in his life, and as much as that hurt me, it had helped me make the decision to divorce him. After we get through Christmas I am going to start the process.
In in the meantime, I have been busting my butt to change my diet and take my meds, and have managed to get my blood sugars down to almost normal numbers. I have lost about 15 pounds or so and cannot believe how much better I feel physically. I’m grieving my marriage, but still looking for the silver lining day to day. And kiddo is adapting really well. He’s doing some after school stuff and loving it, his grades are excellent, and overall there is just an ease I see in him now that it’s just me and him here at home. Our home life doesn’t revolve around an active alcoholic anymore, and while I know he misses his dad, I can visibly SEE the relief on him daily since that unpredictability is gone.
Sorry that turned into a book! I come here all the time and read, but for the last few months I’ve just been laying low and trying to processing everything. I’m so glad you reached out and pulled me back out of my shell 😊
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi, great update. Sorry about the diabetes but it's fabulous how you've taken it on and made such positive changes. I know several people with Type 2 diagnosis and they have managed to get their levels back to normal with lifestyle changes.
I don't think the ex has a choice about financial support for his child. Sure he may be broke but that's about how much he spends as you point out. Bit of a worry about him drinking when he has DS on overnights. You don't know how drunk he gets, and how capable of dealing with an emergency.
From what you say AH sounds like he is reverting to carefree single life without any mature acceptance of responsibility. He enjoys being with his son but he doesn't see he has to contribute anything to his welfare. At least you see your way forward now. You may have to get quite tough with him though and keep remembering he's not a child, even if he's reverted to acting like one.
Congratulations on the progress you've made over the last few months. Keep it up!
I don't think the ex has a choice about financial support for his child. Sure he may be broke but that's about how much he spends as you point out. Bit of a worry about him drinking when he has DS on overnights. You don't know how drunk he gets, and how capable of dealing with an emergency.
From what you say AH sounds like he is reverting to carefree single life without any mature acceptance of responsibility. He enjoys being with his son but he doesn't see he has to contribute anything to his welfare. At least you see your way forward now. You may have to get quite tough with him though and keep remembering he's not a child, even if he's reverted to acting like one.
Congratulations on the progress you've made over the last few months. Keep it up!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
What a great update, Saudade. It sounds like you've gotten yourself into the proper mindset to deal with this and move on at the same time. I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis but it sounds like you're on your way to reversing it. Have you seen Forks over Knives on Netflix? Pretty inspiring documentary. I've gone WFPB maybe 85% of the time now.
Thanks for updating us, I'm in the midst of leaving and your story is helpful to me. I keep telling myself everything will be okay.
Thanks for updating us, I'm in the midst of leaving and your story is helpful to me. I keep telling myself everything will be okay.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
This is nice to read, you should be proud of yourself! I’m in the same boat as you, separated and AH moved out months ago yet still drinking. I too had hoped this would be a wake up call for him. I now have learned that hope only goes so far and the reality of the situation is setting in.
Keep moving forward, sounds like you are making many positive steps for you and your son
Keep moving forward, sounds like you are making many positive steps for you and your son
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