Cmslind

I first posted on this website about ten years ago about an AB who has been in and out of my life during that period. Rereading my posts here are so enlightening. Nothing has changed! I might as well get into a time machine and shoot back 5, 8, or 10 years and I would be in EXACTLY the same place I am now--trying to evict him from my home. I knew this before but I know it even more now: this is about ME, not him. I have some need he fills--not to feel lonely, to have a normal life with a partner, etc. etc., and only I can fix my OWN problem. We talk about how alcoholics need to WANT to be sober, but the same could be said of their enablers. We need to want to respect ourselves and appreciate our own value, with or without the alcoholic. I am writing myself a letter explaining how I feel now, in order to speak to my future self when this comes up again, which it will. For all those out there dealing with an alcoholic, do not be an optimist about your alcoholic friend/family member/spouse etc. Be a pessimist about him or her, and instead, be an optimist about YOU. Because if you are like me, and you have tolerated an alcoholic in your life, you have been a pessimist about youself.
I appreciate this forum. Wise people here. Advice and counsel welcome.

PhoenixJ

Too true. I hope the letter to you helps.

HealthyLimits

Funny, I too, posted in here in 2008 relating to issues I've had with my parents. A lot has changed since for me but very little for them, they're older, it's more normal and calmer now but it's the same.

We always choose the devil we know, change is hard, self doubt plays tricks on us and we tell ourselves lies. You just have to have enough faith in yourself to know your own worth. When you determine this everything changes. I tend to look at it like if we're going to undervalue ourselves and put ourselves on clearance people are going to be in our lives who couldn't otherwise afford us and aren't going to treat us like we have more value. But in the store of life we all set our own prices, if you've valued yourself too low you're going to get a buyer that also values you too low.

Best of luck over there!

Bernadette

We talk about how alcoholics need to WANT to be sober, but the same could be said of their enablers.

This is so so so true. When we put the spotlight back on our problems and dreams and goals it can become very uncomfortable and it's habitual to just maintain the status quo and not look at ourselves and that is just as powerful a sickness, with as much waste of life and precious time, as alcoholism!

Glad you're back - by seeking and accepting help it is possible to change these patterns and break free. The past is gone. You are free in THIS moment.

Peace,
B.

trailmix

Welcome back. I think the letter is a great idea and also a list of every terrible thing he has ever said or done to you, leave nothing out. Just a "highlights" list will do, that you can carry around with you and when you start thinking about all the "good times", you can refer to it, 20 times a day if you need to.

I read your threads. Each time there was an "ah ha" moment where you realized what a terrible match you are. Each time you realized how badly he treated you and how he had stomped over your boundaries, self esteem and showed zero respect to you.

Each time you have let him back in to your life.

What will you do differently this time?

It isn't easy to leave, even a bad relationship can be hard to leave but sometimes that's what needs to happen. It's hard and it can hurt but you don't want to be posting the same thing 5-10 years from now?

You deserve better.

PeacefulWater12

Amen, all this stuff is about ME and my messed up attitudes.

Me working my program helps me change which then means my world changes and who I invite into it changes.

WifeWakingUp

your honesty is so needed for anyone here quietly gripping onto false hope that the last relapse really was the last. Thank you x

qtpi

i think i was addicted to XAH. I am working on my self to become healthy enough never to allow abuse in my life again!

LifeRecovery

....but when we realize our contributions we also get to realize we are the solution too!

Self-care is never selfish. I can never be wrong if I am saying or doing something that is taking care of me.

thequest

Time is not the cure. I've seen too many hope and rely on time to temper/change a family member, friend or co worker. Waiting, relying on time winds up being more enabling.

Time is not the cure as aging is not the cure. Until the A really really wants to change they won't. The longer their behavior remains unchanged the harder it will be to change. It's not the just the chemical but their routine, habits, friends, bars, bar buddies etc that make change and giving up their old life hard.

SaveHer

Writing a letter to document your feelings of strength is a great idea. So is trailmix's idea about making a list of your grievances.

When I split from AXBF, our daughter was only three months old. Oh, the guilt I felt about even considering such a decision! I decided to keep track of every good and bad thing AXBF during this time, every time he visited us or helped us in some way and every time he neglected us or tried to manipulate or blame me. I'm sure you can imagine how lopsided this list was. There is something very powerful about writing things down, like it just can't be ignored.

I finally got out (and took my daughter with me) after ten years of chaos. I'm hoping for the same for you.

jjwinters

Thank you for this important reminder. I recently got out of a relationship with an A and posts like yours are helping me stay out. I need to constantly remind myself how traumatizing and vicious they can be and know that it will never stop.

I hope you can find your way out and never look back. You deserve better.

NYCDoglvr

Two mental issues shared by alcoholics and codependents: denial and rationalization. They keep you drinking and in a relationship that doesn't work. The only important thing now is what steps are you taking now? With the help of Alanon I turned my life around after staying too long with an alcoholic and recommend it.

Thlayli

Love this thread. I've started thinking recently how AH has been very much a "ball and chain" to me. Since he left I feel so free and back to my old self - seeing friends, going to shows with DS, not obsessing. I know he left because he saw me as the ball-and-chain keeping him from his drinking/smoking (which are his only connection to friends).

As I'm thinking in this metaphor I also realize that I wasn't chained at all and that I was choosing to hold onto the tether. I've let go of the rope and he's free to do what he will.