Update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Update
I still read here every night. I have been making good progress healing myself and life without the AH and his alcoholic chaos is pretty peaceful for the majority part.
AH on the other hand remains in my life as co parent and the issues that come with that continue to cause me concern. I’ve held off solicitors for now as I can not afford it and currently cannot get legal aid. So to keep everything as amicable as possible is in my children’s interests. And mine. And I’m feeling more in control about it all.
He doesn’t see the kids without me present I’ve decided for now anyway, that I’d rather him come here to see them as he spends less than an hour here, if that, then he leaves. He had been on his best behaviour for the last few weeks, and that suited me but I’m also not under any illusions. It’s safer as he’s not driving and it’s on my terms.
He’s had a health scare, sudden onset of dizzy spells causing him to fall. His GP sent him straight to hospital for a CT scan and he’s been given aspirin. He’s waiting for a MRI next week as the CT showed nothing. Baring in mind the information I have is from him so I’m certain he’s not told me everything. I imagine they are thinking he’s at risk of a stroke, being age 57 and with a history of high blood pressure. He’s been told not to drive. I don’t know if they know he’s an alcoholic or not. I try to stay on my side of the street and don’t probe him for more information.
today though, he he rang me purely to rant and rage about how he might as well be dead since he can’t do any of the things he wants to so he’s going to ignore the doctors. He said he would pick up our son from school! I refused and said he could do what he likes but he will not drive with the children. He didn’t like that and went quiet ... I’m expecting further conflict over that.
There was a parents evening at school. My sister told me she met him in the car park and he was pacing, and ranting about where I was because he’d saved me a parking space! He was under the impression I’d been driving behind him for the last two miles then “suddenly disappeared” which is frankly crazy... I wasn’t. I was 30 mins later than him as I picked my daughter up on the way. He should have been aware of this. I had 5 missed calls on my phone from him. What I’m saying here is .. I think that he’s behaving erratically? I feel more will be revealed soon and his confusion could be a further symptom.
This morning I began a course at women’s aid called “living with the dominator”. I was nervous about going but it was so interesting! I’m doing this for 12 weeks and already looking forward to thd next session. I feel good to be working on ME investing in my future should I ever meet anyone else and empowering myself to deal with him. I’m getting stronger.
Thanks for letting me offload xx
AH on the other hand remains in my life as co parent and the issues that come with that continue to cause me concern. I’ve held off solicitors for now as I can not afford it and currently cannot get legal aid. So to keep everything as amicable as possible is in my children’s interests. And mine. And I’m feeling more in control about it all.
He doesn’t see the kids without me present I’ve decided for now anyway, that I’d rather him come here to see them as he spends less than an hour here, if that, then he leaves. He had been on his best behaviour for the last few weeks, and that suited me but I’m also not under any illusions. It’s safer as he’s not driving and it’s on my terms.
He’s had a health scare, sudden onset of dizzy spells causing him to fall. His GP sent him straight to hospital for a CT scan and he’s been given aspirin. He’s waiting for a MRI next week as the CT showed nothing. Baring in mind the information I have is from him so I’m certain he’s not told me everything. I imagine they are thinking he’s at risk of a stroke, being age 57 and with a history of high blood pressure. He’s been told not to drive. I don’t know if they know he’s an alcoholic or not. I try to stay on my side of the street and don’t probe him for more information.
today though, he he rang me purely to rant and rage about how he might as well be dead since he can’t do any of the things he wants to so he’s going to ignore the doctors. He said he would pick up our son from school! I refused and said he could do what he likes but he will not drive with the children. He didn’t like that and went quiet ... I’m expecting further conflict over that.
There was a parents evening at school. My sister told me she met him in the car park and he was pacing, and ranting about where I was because he’d saved me a parking space! He was under the impression I’d been driving behind him for the last two miles then “suddenly disappeared” which is frankly crazy... I wasn’t. I was 30 mins later than him as I picked my daughter up on the way. He should have been aware of this. I had 5 missed calls on my phone from him. What I’m saying here is .. I think that he’s behaving erratically? I feel more will be revealed soon and his confusion could be a further symptom.
This morning I began a course at women’s aid called “living with the dominator”. I was nervous about going but it was so interesting! I’m doing this for 12 weeks and already looking forward to thd next session. I feel good to be working on ME investing in my future should I ever meet anyone else and empowering myself to deal with him. I’m getting stronger.
Thanks for letting me offload xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
excellent decision to say NO to driving the kiddo. whatever his health condition might be, you put your child's safety first.
he does sound a bit erratic, confused. but we really can't speculate too much on possible reasons.
i wish you the very best. you are on a good path. your course sounds pretty darn amazing!
he does sound a bit erratic, confused. but we really can't speculate too much on possible reasons.
i wish you the very best. you are on a good path. your course sounds pretty darn amazing!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good for you Buttons! You sound a lot more in control about your feelings about all of this, and that's great. I totally understand your decisions and support you 100%. You have to do what you have to do to keep those kiddos safe!
Big hugs!
Big hugs!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Your post is inspiring, you are keeping yourself and your children safe and recognizing that his bad behaviour belongs to him alone.
The course sounds wonderful, keep us posted.
Thank you for this uplifting message today.
The course sounds wonderful, keep us posted.
Thank you for this uplifting message today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
I was right!
Give me a crystal ball someone I’m psychic 
i said I was expecting more trouble over the driving and hey presto today I got it. Seems like he has got fed up being treated like a normal person by the NHS and having been “forced” to wait a week so far to get an MRI scan he went in and raged about not being priority and then telling the hospital staff to cancel it altogether. He then went to his GP (according to him) and apparently ... he got the all clear to drive! So he told me all this in front of our son and turned to him saying “so I’ll pick you up for school tomorrow morning!”
Not wanting a scene scene in front of our son I said nothing and waited until we were home. Then I text XAH and told him I would be continuing with the school runs for now because it suits our routine better (truth be told I’m really happy with not having to see him twice a day anyway!) then .... I reported him to the DVLA for driving against medical advice.
something I’m not happy about doing... but I feel that it’s the only way I’ll find out the truth. If he IS fit to drive then he will be asked to prove it won’t he?
Really looking forward to my second day of the course on Thursday. One thing that was a lightbulb moment for me last week was to learn that his habit of talking quietly ... almost at a whisper at times when he was angry or brooding ... was abuse. Because I would always get closer to him to listen and ask him to repeat what he’d said ... and he’d then accuse me of raising my voice. Then I’d feel confused and question whether I really was the one shouting when he “appeared” calm by talking quietly and he would then start walking away from me. It gave him an excuse to turn around and say that I was going on and on and on - “you won’t let it drop will you? you just keep repeating yourself over and over!” Then of course he would go off and drink. Wow. I always felt so bad about those rows when I’d felt like my approach was reasonable to begin with - and wonder how did that escalate!? Gaslighting I guess? I’m able to forgive myself as I learn these things were not my fault, and it’s empowering.
i said I was expecting more trouble over the driving and hey presto today I got it. Seems like he has got fed up being treated like a normal person by the NHS and having been “forced” to wait a week so far to get an MRI scan he went in and raged about not being priority and then telling the hospital staff to cancel it altogether. He then went to his GP (according to him) and apparently ... he got the all clear to drive! So he told me all this in front of our son and turned to him saying “so I’ll pick you up for school tomorrow morning!”
Not wanting a scene scene in front of our son I said nothing and waited until we were home. Then I text XAH and told him I would be continuing with the school runs for now because it suits our routine better (truth be told I’m really happy with not having to see him twice a day anyway!) then .... I reported him to the DVLA for driving against medical advice.
something I’m not happy about doing... but I feel that it’s the only way I’ll find out the truth. If he IS fit to drive then he will be asked to prove it won’t he? Really looking forward to my second day of the course on Thursday. One thing that was a lightbulb moment for me last week was to learn that his habit of talking quietly ... almost at a whisper at times when he was angry or brooding ... was abuse. Because I would always get closer to him to listen and ask him to repeat what he’d said ... and he’d then accuse me of raising my voice. Then I’d feel confused and question whether I really was the one shouting when he “appeared” calm by talking quietly and he would then start walking away from me. It gave him an excuse to turn around and say that I was going on and on and on - “you won’t let it drop will you? you just keep repeating yourself over and over!” Then of course he would go off and drink. Wow. I always felt so bad about those rows when I’d felt like my approach was reasonable to begin with - and wonder how did that escalate!? Gaslighting I guess? I’m able to forgive myself as I learn these things were not my fault, and it’s empowering.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by RainingButtons 
I’m able to forgive myself as I learn these things were not my fault, and it’s empowering.
As for the driving, why is he so keen to do school drop offs anyway? I mean that really isn't every parent's dream is it? Or does he just like all the contact with you?
Regardless, I'm glad you are sticking by your boundary on this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Curve ball
Thankyou. Today threw another curve ball at me. School
rang XAH as our son had sprained his ankle in sports, and he drove out to collect him! I had no idea until they both walked through my door (yes - XAH leading the way, smug as you like!) apparently he “tried ringing me” well I had two missed calls 12 mins prior when I looked from XAH ... so by my calculations he rang when he was already at the school or driving. Great. No I said nothing again - son was there and in pain I had to get him an ice pack and X left. He loved that chance to rub my face in it today. Tomorrow I ring school to make sure in future they call me first.
rang XAH as our son had sprained his ankle in sports, and he drove out to collect him! I had no idea until they both walked through my door (yes - XAH leading the way, smug as you like!) apparently he “tried ringing me” well I had two missed calls 12 mins prior when I looked from XAH ... so by my calculations he rang when he was already at the school or driving. Great. No I said nothing again - son was there and in pain I had to get him an ice pack and X left. He loved that chance to rub my face in it today. Tomorrow I ring school to make sure in future they call me first.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Originally Posted by RainingButtons
Thankyou. Today threw another curve ball at me. School
rang XAH as our son had sprained his ankle in sports, and he drove out to collect him! I had no idea until they both walked through my door (yes - XAH leading the way, smug as you like!) apparently he “tried ringing me” well I had two missed calls 12 mins prior when I looked from XAH ... so by my calculations he rang when he was already at the school or driving. Great. No I said nothing again - son was there and in pain I had to get him an ice pack and X left. He loved that chance to rub my face in it today. Tomorrow I ring school to make sure in future they call me first.
rang XAH as our son had sprained his ankle in sports, and he drove out to collect him! I had no idea until they both walked through my door (yes - XAH leading the way, smug as you like!) apparently he “tried ringing me” well I had two missed calls 12 mins prior when I looked from XAH ... so by my calculations he rang when he was already at the school or driving. Great. No I said nothing again - son was there and in pain I had to get him an ice pack and X left. He loved that chance to rub my face in it today. Tomorrow I ring school to make sure in future they call me first.
OK.. A few things you need to do NOW.
-Talk to the school and make them clear of the situation. Make sure that they only call you of there's an issue. Give them a second emergency contact (family, friend)
-go to all the local after hour ERs, casualty etc and do the same. They need to know you're the primary carer.
-document EVERYTHING NOW. put a Web camera at your front door. No.. You're not over doing it. This is a progressive disease so you're gathering evidence to protect your child from the future version of your ex.
-you are probably going to end up in court.. Get a lawyer and a game plan.
-if you don't know what's going on in ex's life. Find out.. Hire a PI. Sometimes they'll do pro nono work for domestic abuse, child at risk.
-tell your local police, social services etc
I know this all sounds stressful. It's easier to put your head in the sand. But if you're not doing something about it, who is?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
What kind of court/legal parenting agreement do you guys have in place? The 'have the school not release them to him' does not work unless there's legal stuff in writing..from the courts. My ex-wife tried to kidnap my daughter from daycare and brought the police with her.. denied because of court order(and because I kept her home that day for a gut feeling).. besides getting that in order,if you don't already,I'd cease any supervised visits by you.. why do that? Seems counterintuitive to me and helps absolutely no one. Use the courts..that's my advice.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yup. I am sure school gets very sick of me, but I make sure every few months or so that they know with 100% certainty I am the parent to call, every single time. You have to keep it drilled into their heads, especially if there is any new staff.
FYI..there are work arounds on the court documents issue. School may not be able to refuse to release, but you can absolutely explain the situation and have principal hold child at school until both parents are there (if he arrived first). I just had a friend do this w/her daughter.
Also, make sure you answer your phone. That sounds petty, but I was absolutely glued to my phone no matter what situation I was in when things were bad w/my children and I had these same fears. I had it beside me even in the shower and gave a certain ring to the school number so I would know it was them.
FYI..there are work arounds on the court documents issue. School may not be able to refuse to release, but you can absolutely explain the situation and have principal hold child at school until both parents are there (if he arrived first). I just had a friend do this w/her daughter.
Also, make sure you answer your phone. That sounds petty, but I was absolutely glued to my phone no matter what situation I was in when things were bad w/my children and I had these same fears. I had it beside me even in the shower and gave a certain ring to the school number so I would know it was them.
Originally Posted by RainingButtons
Thankyou. Today threw another curve ball at me. School
rang XAH as our son had sprained his ankle in sports, and he drove out to collect him! I had no idea until they both walked through my door (yes - XAH leading the way, smug as you like!) apparently he “tried ringing me” well I had two missed calls 12 mins prior when I looked from XAH ... so by my calculations he rang when he was already at the school or driving. Great. No I said nothing again - son was there and in pain I had to get him an ice pack and X left. He loved that chance to rub my face in it today. Tomorrow I ring school to make sure in future they call me first.
rang XAH as our son had sprained his ankle in sports, and he drove out to collect him! I had no idea until they both walked through my door (yes - XAH leading the way, smug as you like!) apparently he “tried ringing me” well I had two missed calls 12 mins prior when I looked from XAH ... so by my calculations he rang when he was already at the school or driving. Great. No I said nothing again - son was there and in pain I had to get him an ice pack and X left. He loved that chance to rub my face in it today. Tomorrow I ring school to make sure in future they call me first.
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