thequest

Philosophical strategy question I guess.

I know independence is talked about or mentioned in rehab circles and this board. But it seems it's not getting the priority it should. Not just detaching from a situation but making independent living free of another for emotional or monetary/physical needs.

The half century old addict/alcoholic I'm dealing with is not independent on any front. Especially the physical and monetary. Does independence and self sufficiency have the emphasis it had or should in rehab circles. Wether one is talking to children or adults in dealing with addiction issues is independent living getting the priority it should. To me anyway it's seems to be lacking.

hopeful4

Oh boy do I agree!

How many of us have stayed with or stay with their addict because they think they cannot make it on their own??

I finally kicked my XAH out, and he moved on quickly to a new mommy, I mean wife. He has ZERO skills to take care of anything. Or does he? I also think he just likes having someone take care of his every need.

Just my two cents!

AnvilheadII

actually, this is addressed in the NA Basic Text in the chapter Who, what, How and Why?

We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic, for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. We feel that our way is practical, for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society.

the 12 steps were crafted and designed to help one get out of oneself, face their shortcomings and transgressions, and make amends to society and others for wrong doings. and then to continue a life devoted to being of service to others.

that some individuals choose NOT to follow that path is not the fault of any program or institution.

thequest

I'm not blaming the programs but overall words and phrases like 'independence, self reliance and not depending on others' is what needs to be emphasized or brought up more almost verbatim.

Not only is it do it his way hes' constantly trying to scarf/live off of other people. A recent example he's upset because he's about to loose a free email address because he will be elsewhere without that service or a person who will let them use that address and their tv service email feature. So it's not just money but dependence on what others do in this case/disconnect a service he exploited to his advantage.

Setting aside inconvenience he hates the administrative sign up process and him being directly responsible to pay a bill. He's trying to sell his still using other's services for email because he has very import information in them but that's his problem because that's personal record keeping. And this from a person who considers themselves tech savy when it comes to cell and internet use.

Or he'll use other peoples homes for storage, business etc but never having to do it all on his own. He's constantly asking for rides even with a license & car(I think) for his convenience-usually means he be drinking. His life depends on what other's tolerate or accept. That is a lack of independence simply because he is depending on what other's do. He's gotten so used to it this why he has no problem asking or manipulating for favors many wouldn't even consider or be ashamed to ask for.

AnvilheadII

you are trying to generalize what RECOVERY should do but using only this one addict as your cohort. recovery isn't failing this guy, he's just one of those loser users. it comes thru in every post.

i'm curious what benefit you get out of continually focusing on how bad, awful, wretched and useless this one person in your life is. that's a lot of negativity and resentment to carry around. and the more you focus on him, the more his chosen attitude towards life and everyone in it WINS.

the system isn't broken. rehab centers aren't broken. this is just a person who does not live as you think he should. and is in general a pretty lousy fellow human.

hopeful4

You also see this when people are coming out of rehab. All emphasis is put on the addict, not how it will affect the rest of the family, this person returning home. I realize it's their client, but without emphasis on the entire family, it's rinse and repeat. I have heard this repeatedly on this forum, at CR, and saw this very thing when my XAH went to rehab. No emphasis at all on how all of this affected me or our children. It was just a given to them I should let him come home. Unfortunately, I was not educated enough to realize there are different options.

I respectfully disagree with Anvil on that one topic. I do think many rehabs are broken and if you don't choose the right one (many people require a dual diagnosis center) it's a waste of time and money.

That's no an excuse as no matter what rehab you go to, all or nothing, you will recover if you want it badly and are willing to work on it like nothing you ever have before. If you are not willing to put in the work, it won't happen. Total commitment or nothing.

The rehab is a tool in the tool box, it does not make or break the recovery itself.



Just my two cents.

Sasha1972

FWIW my ex went to a very highly reputed dual-diagnosis residential rehab program - and all it did was make him feel TWICE as sorry for himself. Terminal uniqueness x 2.

And yes, the emphasis was all on how he needs his “circle of support” and how he’s supposed to reach out for help and needs to be cheered on in his sobriety journey. Nothing about not being a jerk to other people.

(I don’t fault the rehab - they have to work with what they get and I could see how an alcoholic who was really ready to be done could use the rehab tools to amend their life. But for alcoholics who are not ready to be done, rehab just gives them another language with which to manipulate people).

thequest

I see what you are saying and understand the addict must really really want to change. The op wasn't meant to be slam on anyone. Apologies if it was taken as one.

Knowing other longtime drug & alcohol users some 'independence' has been achieved to the point they rent a house, not an apartment, they can't or accept they shouldn't drive and have zero problem taking public transportation, taxis etc vs not constantly asking for rides or borrow cars. They are rarely unemployed-if they lose a job they have something with in days not months or years later, might not be career jobs but they're employed. Somewhere or someone emphasized independence in some way. It might be pride or past experience. Do they have issues ABSOLUTELY but their daily existence doesn't physically or financially drain others. And I don't even really believe in the 'functional' alcoholic.

All I would like to see more often from those involved are words like 'independence' or 'self reliance', literally those words. No need for entire sessions, classes, lectures unless someone really needs vocational/ life skills. Perhaps as a goal to be achieved. I'm not saying 'independence' is a cure all but should definitely be emphasized by everyone, not just the rehab community.

NYCDoglvr

In active recovery it takes a good amount of time to change and some people never become self-sufficient and independent. "Independence" is seen as a goal, not something that just happens when someone stops drinking. Alcoholism is a mental illness, not a behavioral problem.