righttheship

I'm just annoyed and feel like venting. I supervised a visit with AH and young sons this evening. And, true-to-form, AH started complaining to me about his self-created predicament (jobless, homeless, etc.) He actually said: "my life sucks." And I wanted to scream. He's just so self-absorbed and clueless. I mean--if my actions caused my family to lose their home; if my children had to be removed from the home in the middle of the night because I was acting crazy; if I hadn't paid a dime to financially support my children in more than 4 months, I wouldn't complain about a damn thing. And certainly not to the person who is bearing the brunt of my actions! I'd just be so grateful that, under the circumstances, I was even getting to see my children!

AH hasn't had drink in 101 days. Not sure I'd say he's "sober" since I see some dry-drunk tendencies and, to my knowledge, he's not working a recovery program. But, still, I thought there'd be a little more self-awareness at this point. Some small ability to step outside himself and see that I've got a lot of my shoulders as a single parent and the sole financial support for these children. Maybe he's just inherently self-absorbed--with or without the alcohol. What a depressing thought.

Also, I kinda feel like I'm being self-absorbed by posting this! :-)

AnvilheadII

he doesn't think like YOU do. the best thing you can do for your sanity is to stop trying to think that he thinks in anything in the vicinity of sane or normal.

during these supervised visits, you do not have to be sitting (standing) near him so that he can engage with you in conversation. you are there simply to observe and assure the children's safety. if he is unable to engage with the children for any length of time, then you can cut the visit short, since the purpose of the visit has been negated.

assume he will not change. ever. that is your best home base.
he is incapable or unwilling to be anything but what HE IS. parenting ain't in his area of concern.

since you are not divorced (?? didn't see an EX in there) do you have a legal written parenting plan? or are you doing this on your own? you MAY be giving him too much credit, and assuming that he WANTS time with his children. when in fact he may be using the visits to keep you on the hook.

hearthealth

Eighteen months of dry drunk, or limited drinking, no recovery program and my husband is self absorbed and doesn't see me either.

hopeful4

It never ends. It's who he is. Don't try to see an end to it. Don't try to change it.

Instead, try to focus on how you react to it. That is the only thing you have any control over.

righttheship

I was about to write--but AH wasn't always like this! Except, if I'm being honest, I think maybe he was. I just didn't notice it (as much) before children. I wanted to believe the addiction caused the self-absorption. But, maybe the self-absorption contributed, in part, to the addiction.

And Anvil -- I'm not eligible to file for divorce yet. Where I live, you have to live under separate roofs for six months before you can file. Same deal with legal separation. (Totally ridiculous and punitive, IMHO.) AH has been good with the kids, which is why limited, supervised visits have continued. I read in an adjacent room while they play. But he tends to give me a laundry-list of complaints as he's headed out the door. I'm just annoyed by it. Someone told me that with addicts/mental illness, you have to keep repeating your boundaries over and over. I guess I just have to keep reminding him that I don't want to be involved/hear about it. But, still, it's frustrating to never really be heard.

AnvilheadII

you can also keep any "responses" to his gripes to things like:

huh
hmmmm
i'm sure you'll work something out

neutral, non engaging.

he may never "hear" your boundaries. nor does he really have to. we set boundaries for ourselves, not others.

ironwill

righttheship,

Feel free to vent anytime, That's what we are here for. To listen and help any anyway we can.

I know a RA that is a dry-drunk. He states he's been sober for 20 years, went through all the steps. He is still self-absorbed and manipulative. Will not admit to his wrong or say sorry. But can preach up a storm about his recovery. UGG! It can be very tough that he does not see what he is doing to the people around him. It's all about him. It's the alcoholic brain in him and in your husband. He will always feel that he is the victim and try and convince you that he is. You are smart to see past it.

Don't feel that you are being self-absorbed. If anything you should be proud of everything you have done. It's not easy basically being a single mom and sole financial provider. You have done a great job of maintaining you sanity and not screaming at the top of your lungs at him. For that you get a gold star.

Have a great day and stay strong.

trailmix

It is frustrating to be basically invisible to another person, especially as he is someone you cared about greatly at one point.

He is standing there looking at you, talking to you (well his lips are moving and sound is coming out), looking, for all intents and purposes like the man you married, but you know it just doesn't matter because it's all about him. That's hurtful even if you are detached from him. If he is not working on recovery and is just white knuckling it, nothing will change, he is that same self-centered person you have known for a while, just without the alcohol.

Frankly, if I had someone complaining to me as they exited out of the house I would just put my hand up and stay stop - I have enough going on here and gently move them out the door and shut it. I'm all for being polite but that really needs to stop?

By the way, I am no lawyer and I don't know where you live but where I live you must also be separated for a year before divorce, however, even if you were living in the same house you can still be considered separated if you were not engaged in an actual relationship with them, ie: your day to day lives were lived as separated and your financial situation was clearly mostly separate etc. Just an aside.

hopeful4

I get what you are saying. My XAH is the same. I now see he was always like this, it's just that I had not went through life changes with him like having children and such to realize it. People grow up into adults and have children. Those children should be their focus. When it is for one parent and not the other, and they are still just absorbed with their poor selves, it really opens your eyes.

Just my two cents.