But I can't drink
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
But I can't drink
I was just thinking, after reading some new posts here (and probably a thousand others) that you could add the title of this thread to so many things an alcoholic goes through/thinks/reacts to.
- I can be in a relationship with his nice woman (or man) - But I can't drink
- We can get married, have a nice house, friends - But I can't drink
- Maybe we could have children, a boy and a girl would be nice, heck maybe a football team! - But I can't drink
- I really want to move up in my career, or even change careers, but right now I am secure where I am and accepted, I could change jobs - But I might not be able to drink the way I am now
Now none of these things have to be "demands" from the spouse or SO. You need never say a word about their drinking. This is about the pressure that everyday things, normally wonderful things, bring to an active addict.
You cannot have a nice relationship, be involved fully, have a great marriage and kiddies (or anything else that takes focus and responsibility) and drink alcoholically. Doesn't happen. Maybe if the alcoholic has it in some kind of very unusual control, even then, still not in their "right" drug free mind.
So, whether you demand they stop drinking or whether you just accept it, in their mind there is a "goal" - to have that relationship or marriage or the white picket fence. Time and again they will fail to be in any position to do that. Instead you end up having your life dictated by alcoholism as well.
Then, when they do fail miserably at it, you might be blamed for forcing them to try to cut down or cut out their drinking (although again, you might have just been accepting it or detaching).
So when they leave, don't be surprised because having someone around that wants you to behave normally all the time is not good for alcoholism! Remember, this isn't about you.
- I can be in a relationship with his nice woman (or man) - But I can't drink
- We can get married, have a nice house, friends - But I can't drink
- Maybe we could have children, a boy and a girl would be nice, heck maybe a football team! - But I can't drink
- I really want to move up in my career, or even change careers, but right now I am secure where I am and accepted, I could change jobs - But I might not be able to drink the way I am now
Now none of these things have to be "demands" from the spouse or SO. You need never say a word about their drinking. This is about the pressure that everyday things, normally wonderful things, bring to an active addict.
You cannot have a nice relationship, be involved fully, have a great marriage and kiddies (or anything else that takes focus and responsibility) and drink alcoholically. Doesn't happen. Maybe if the alcoholic has it in some kind of very unusual control, even then, still not in their "right" drug free mind.
So, whether you demand they stop drinking or whether you just accept it, in their mind there is a "goal" - to have that relationship or marriage or the white picket fence. Time and again they will fail to be in any position to do that. Instead you end up having your life dictated by alcoholism as well.
Then, when they do fail miserably at it, you might be blamed for forcing them to try to cut down or cut out their drinking (although again, you might have just been accepting it or detaching).
So when they leave, don't be surprised because having someone around that wants you to behave normally all the time is not good for alcoholism! Remember, this isn't about you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Trailmix,
You always have good advice and are on all the time. Do you sleep, are you robot from the future with all the answers. Enquiringly minds want to know...lol Thank you for all your great wisdom. Have a great day.
You always have good advice and are on all the time. Do you sleep, are you robot from the future with all the answers. Enquiringly minds want to know...lol Thank you for all your great wisdom. Have a great day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
I don't come in this section very often. I frequently read and I respect what all of you go through and suffer through.
I just want to say, you hit it on the head. There is a perpetual, self destructive current that runs through an alcoholic's life. It was a hard pill to swallow when I accepted it. I was married to an alcoholic as well as later becoming one myself and I used to think, how could he squander and waste gifts in his life? Then I did it and that realization that I had a desire, (a sick desire), to squander opportunities, to sabotage relationships was a driving force and eternal companion to my alcoholism. Breaking alcohol wasn't enough, I had to confront and change that part of my psyche.
I just want to say, you hit it on the head. There is a perpetual, self destructive current that runs through an alcoholic's life. It was a hard pill to swallow when I accepted it. I was married to an alcoholic as well as later becoming one myself and I used to think, how could he squander and waste gifts in his life? Then I did it and that realization that I had a desire, (a sick desire), to squander opportunities, to sabotage relationships was a driving force and eternal companion to my alcoholism. Breaking alcohol wasn't enough, I had to confront and change that part of my psyche.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 52
I know I struggle with accepting this line of thought, I kept hoping it would change.
Well.. to be honest he did tell me straight up that he would not quit. (This is my recovered alcoholic BF who kept smoking weed).
I guess I just thought if it kept him from drinking, what was the harm. But a little piece of me had these niggling doubts...
He never got a job. He never proposed. We never went on a vacation. Not once.. in 4 years.
Heck.. my last two birthdays I spent alone on the couch watching Netflix.
What a waste.
E
Well.. to be honest he did tell me straight up that he would not quit. (This is my recovered alcoholic BF who kept smoking weed).
I guess I just thought if it kept him from drinking, what was the harm. But a little piece of me had these niggling doubts...
He never got a job. He never proposed. We never went on a vacation. Not once.. in 4 years.
Heck.. my last two birthdays I spent alone on the couch watching Netflix.
What a waste.
E
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