Caught a lie
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Caught a lie
To cut a very long story short, I have been lied to today. AH travelled to see a friend for lunch in the city, but will actually be meeting him for dinner tonight (friend was not aware of this lie). AH doesnt know I know. I wasn't doing detective work, i just happened upon it -, i am still on my side of the street. I suspect he is meeting a female friend also from out of town.
Im not sure what i feel at this point. Stunned anger, but not at all surprised,. Lying is just part of the deal when alcohol is involved, isn't it?
Im not sure what i feel at this point. Stunned anger, but not at all surprised,. Lying is just part of the deal when alcohol is involved, isn't it?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I don't know. I guess you have to have something to lie about (and be willing to lie).
So he was supposed to be meeting a colleague for dinner but he lied and said it was lunch? He is also meeting a female for a get together and omitted that?
If this get together with the female is questionable though, I really think that is a different kettle of fish. There are alcoholics that don't lie, there are people who are sober that lie, I don't think the two things are actually a given.
As is said often, alcoholism is progressive and that doesn't just mean the drinking. It's all those things that go along with it. Increased consumption (in some cases), brain/physical changes, these all progress.
The guy you knew 2 months ago and the way he thought, or a year ago, might not be the guy he is today. That's another one of the things about addiction really, part of the rollercoaster ride. It's a horrible thing for you.
Will you confront him?
So he was supposed to be meeting a colleague for dinner but he lied and said it was lunch? He is also meeting a female for a get together and omitted that?
If this get together with the female is questionable though, I really think that is a different kettle of fish. There are alcoholics that don't lie, there are people who are sober that lie, I don't think the two things are actually a given.
As is said often, alcoholism is progressive and that doesn't just mean the drinking. It's all those things that go along with it. Increased consumption (in some cases), brain/physical changes, these all progress.
The guy you knew 2 months ago and the way he thought, or a year ago, might not be the guy he is today. That's another one of the things about addiction really, part of the rollercoaster ride. It's a horrible thing for you.
Will you confront him?
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Not sure yet. I will do some careful questioning. There is a very old book called "the act of war" that 2 family members are very aware of (1 is also a lawyer), and I'm talking it through with them. There is some advantage in not confronting. Im trying not to be too emotional.
I knew something was fishy, so I know I can trust my gut feelings.
what i am doing is journaling. Lots of it, in a password protected word doc. That's really helping.
I do know for sure this disease is progressing- noticeably.
I knew something was fishy, so I know I can trust my gut feelings.
what i am doing is journaling. Lots of it, in a password protected word doc. That's really helping.
I do know for sure this disease is progressing- noticeably.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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and the chances of his answering your inquiries with honesty and transparency are...........slim and none. i mean, you can ASK....
it's more of the same.....just....more. and it gets frustrating. and at some point we reach OUR threshold for BS. or we just stop caring. give him the big ole Whatever dude. all up to you!
it's more of the same.....just....more. and it gets frustrating. and at some point we reach OUR threshold for BS. or we just stop caring. give him the big ole Whatever dude. all up to you!
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
I know your emotions are running wild right now. I feel your pain. When my AW wife lied and cheated on me. The lies she was telling me hurt worse. I can get past the cheating. Regaining the trust of my wife is a harder pill to swallow. We are getting there one day at a time.
You are doing a good thing to journal everything down. Keep it up. Be strong with whatever you decide to do with your AH. I know it won't be easy, but you are a strong person. We are here for you if you need us.
You are doing a good thing to journal everything down. Keep it up. Be strong with whatever you decide to do with your AH. I know it won't be easy, but you are a strong person. We are here for you if you need us.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Originally Posted by Wombaticus 
Oops...the art of war. More about leadership than actual war.
I was thinking this kind of sounds like a chess game and it's funny I went to look at quotes from The Art of War and the graphic was a chess board.
You know, I've read many times at SR how interactions with the Alcoholic can become a game of chess - or strategies if you prefer. Is he lying, telling the truth? Will I find hidden bottles here? What is he up to?
Then again, I am looking at this from my point of view. I dislike games (I mean I actually like - say board games!) but not games with people. I just don't see the point.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Hey Wombat,
It’s an awful thing to deal with a deliberate liar. For me it is the worst part of alcoholism because I suspect there is so much more to the lie, and there usually is.
The statement I keep seeing repeated here “More will be revealed”. is so damn prophetic it’s eery.
You will be in my thoughts today.
It’s an awful thing to deal with a deliberate liar. For me it is the worst part of alcoholism because I suspect there is so much more to the lie, and there usually is.
The statement I keep seeing repeated here “More will be revealed”. is so damn prophetic it’s eery.
You will be in my thoughts today.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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So, update...
I was right. He was meeting an ex-GF from 25 yrs ago from out of town who he has reconnected with on social media. Trouble is, i confirmed this with AH friend, and i cant betray his confidence. I have seen something on insta tho that i can call him out on.
I am livid, hurt, in disbelief. He has done this once before and found out accidentally, and now my trust in him is shattered - because its only 2 that I know about. He missed an important kid's event also, which is unforgivable.
Trailmix, i completely get your point about games, and I know these times call for honest communication and boundaries. Im gathering my resources in preparation for rough times ahead - financial, emotional, and arming myself with info about this cruel disease alcoholism, its impacts on families, brain changes. Thats my way of dealing with this. But most importantly Im becoming very clear about what is my strong view of what a loving relationship should be. This ain't it.
So very sad tonight ...
I was right. He was meeting an ex-GF from 25 yrs ago from out of town who he has reconnected with on social media. Trouble is, i confirmed this with AH friend, and i cant betray his confidence. I have seen something on insta tho that i can call him out on.
I am livid, hurt, in disbelief. He has done this once before and found out accidentally, and now my trust in him is shattered - because its only 2 that I know about. He missed an important kid's event also, which is unforgivable.
Trailmix, i completely get your point about games, and I know these times call for honest communication and boundaries. Im gathering my resources in preparation for rough times ahead - financial, emotional, and arming myself with info about this cruel disease alcoholism, its impacts on families, brain changes. Thats my way of dealing with this. But most importantly Im becoming very clear about what is my strong view of what a loving relationship should be. This ain't it.
So very sad tonight ...
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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Wombaticus,
I'm sorry for your sadness last night. I'm glad your eye's have opened up about what a loving relationship should be. You are correct that your AH has not treated you in a loving relationship and choosing an ex-GF over his kids event.
Be like your screen name the wombat. Wombats a smart, not helpless, strong and great diggers. You will need to dig in for this journey you are about to take. It's going to be hard, but you have shown you are strong. You have shown you are smart by knowing you need to get all the financial, emotional, and info about alcoholism now and in check. Journal it somewhere and keep it well protected. It will help you later. You are not helpless, You are looking after your self and your kids and that is important. You guys come first.
I hope today goes better for you then yesterday and your weekend. We are here for you. You are not alone. Be strong.
I'm sorry for your sadness last night. I'm glad your eye's have opened up about what a loving relationship should be. You are correct that your AH has not treated you in a loving relationship and choosing an ex-GF over his kids event.
Be like your screen name the wombat. Wombats a smart, not helpless, strong and great diggers. You will need to dig in for this journey you are about to take. It's going to be hard, but you have shown you are strong. You have shown you are smart by knowing you need to get all the financial, emotional, and info about alcoholism now and in check. Journal it somewhere and keep it well protected. It will help you later. You are not helpless, You are looking after your self and your kids and that is important. You guys come first.
I hope today goes better for you then yesterday and your weekend. We are here for you. You are not alone. Be strong.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
Wombaticus, just want you to know that I am angry on your behalf, for what that is worth.
I get that you have to get your stuff in order before you can make your next move.
I hope for your sake that you will soon be able to make a move (if that is what you choose).
All these things, whether it's sneaky drinking, or in fact drinking right in front of you - sneaking around, lying, abusive comments and actions, they cause trauma for you. Right now you are busy putting out fires and riding a rollercoaster of emotions but these traumas are registering.
Please take time to look after yourself as much as you can.
I get that you have to get your stuff in order before you can make your next move.
I hope for your sake that you will soon be able to make a move (if that is what you choose).
All these things, whether it's sneaky drinking, or in fact drinking right in front of you - sneaking around, lying, abusive comments and actions, they cause trauma for you. Right now you are busy putting out fires and riding a rollercoaster of emotions but these traumas are registering.
Please take time to look after yourself as much as you can.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it took me a long time to get my head right about being lied to. cuz first, it's WRONG! ok, if you were being sneaky cuz you were buying me a new car for my birthday, i'll give you a pass, but since THAT never happened....
i wanted the other person to know that i knew they were lying.
i wanted them to ADMIT to me that they had lied. and of course to vow to never EVER lie to me again. i wanted to be righteous in my indignation!!!!
but the reality is/was -
1. they KNOW they are lying. that is the whole point OF lying. to tell a mistruth in order to cover up a misdeed. which they also know is wrong.
2. if confronted, their automatic response will be to deny deny deny. and possibly further ENHANCE the mistruth.
3. if that fails, they will then go on the ATTACK by way of deflection or personal attack. invasion of privacy, i'm a grown man (or woman) and don't need anybody checking up on me, what are you a stalker? THEY will become indignant and attempt to make us out to be the BAD guy.
4. in their minds they will say...see? she really is a b!tch, nag, she is making MY life miserable therefore i DESERVE to keep doing X, because it's all HER fault. using two key tools - rationalization and justification.
so what does our need to be RIGHT get us? nothing. except some bonus misery.
we have to get back to US. we know we are being lied to and we know how we feel about it. the other person, through their actions has demonstrated their disdain and lack of respect towards us.
so be it. we can now make choices based on these facts. knowledge is our power. their lies can only hurt us if we let them. their nefarious actions can only hurt us if we let them. we can rise above and view them as just not worth the negative emotional drain.
i wanted the other person to know that i knew they were lying.
i wanted them to ADMIT to me that they had lied. and of course to vow to never EVER lie to me again. i wanted to be righteous in my indignation!!!!
but the reality is/was -
1. they KNOW they are lying. that is the whole point OF lying. to tell a mistruth in order to cover up a misdeed. which they also know is wrong.
2. if confronted, their automatic response will be to deny deny deny. and possibly further ENHANCE the mistruth.
3. if that fails, they will then go on the ATTACK by way of deflection or personal attack. invasion of privacy, i'm a grown man (or woman) and don't need anybody checking up on me, what are you a stalker? THEY will become indignant and attempt to make us out to be the BAD guy.
4. in their minds they will say...see? she really is a b!tch, nag, she is making MY life miserable therefore i DESERVE to keep doing X, because it's all HER fault. using two key tools - rationalization and justification.
so what does our need to be RIGHT get us? nothing. except some bonus misery.
we have to get back to US. we know we are being lied to and we know how we feel about it. the other person, through their actions has demonstrated their disdain and lack of respect towards us.
so be it. we can now make choices based on these facts. knowledge is our power. their lies can only hurt us if we let them. their nefarious actions can only hurt us if we let them. we can rise above and view them as just not worth the negative emotional drain.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
Thanks all. Anvil, you are right.
I am definitely struggling with whether I confront or not. The lie is on his conscience and he needs to live with his behaviour. His mtg ex-GF and any other random person (there's been a bit of that in the last few years) from his past is a cry for help. For some reason, he can't make future plans - its all about the past and the glory days when he starred in his own life. He's a different person to the person i married in many ways, made worse when he met bio mum - the drinking escalated then. BUT...whether he ever admits he lied or not, the facts as we know it are:
i. he is in active alcoholism (although he would probably deny it)
ii. He's not an active participant in our marriage
iii. Hes not an active participant in our chn's lives
iv. I am unhappy
I am in no hurry. I have a lot of control over my life. I cant save him. I can plan how I approach this.
The immediate priority is how I express this anger. Time for some rigorous exercise, followed by meditation. Just got to get through the work day first...
I am definitely struggling with whether I confront or not. The lie is on his conscience and he needs to live with his behaviour. His mtg ex-GF and any other random person (there's been a bit of that in the last few years) from his past is a cry for help. For some reason, he can't make future plans - its all about the past and the glory days when he starred in his own life. He's a different person to the person i married in many ways, made worse when he met bio mum - the drinking escalated then. BUT...whether he ever admits he lied or not, the facts as we know it are:
i. he is in active alcoholism (although he would probably deny it)
ii. He's not an active participant in our marriage
iii. Hes not an active participant in our chn's lives
iv. I am unhappy
I am in no hurry. I have a lot of control over my life. I cant save him. I can plan how I approach this.
The immediate priority is how I express this anger. Time for some rigorous exercise, followed by meditation. Just got to get through the work day first...
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Wombaticus,
I sorry you are struggling to confront him or not. If you do confront him he will most likely lie and deny it all. Be ready for that. It's what they do.
You have a clear head and realize that you are strong. Your plan yo funnel that anger you have in a good way. (When I get angry I clean the house). Stay strong and let us know how we can help. We are here for you.
I sorry you are struggling to confront him or not. If you do confront him he will most likely lie and deny it all. Be ready for that. It's what they do.
You have a clear head and realize that you are strong. Your plan yo funnel that anger you have in a good way. (When I get angry I clean the house). Stay strong and let us know how we can help. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
So, based on the list you posted, this relationship is gone - as in a partnership/romantic relationship, so perhaps it's time to look at it differently?
As you are content with how you are running your side of the street, perhaps a co-habitation situation can be worked out.
I suggest this because as long as you are at all invested in a partnership and have expectations you are going to keep getting hurt over and over. That's where the anger comes from, your emotional investment. You expect different behaviour from him that is not happening.
I'm going to guess the conversation would go something like - why did you - and his reply is - well YOU aren't interested in this relationship.
But yes, I assume that is the signal you are giving?
This is all conjecture on my part of course because while I know you have "detached" the definition of that is different for everyone. Expectations should be very low.
As you are content with how you are running your side of the street, perhaps a co-habitation situation can be worked out.
I suggest this because as long as you are at all invested in a partnership and have expectations you are going to keep getting hurt over and over. That's where the anger comes from, your emotional investment. You expect different behaviour from him that is not happening.
I'm going to guess the conversation would go something like - why did you - and his reply is - well YOU aren't interested in this relationship.
But yes, I assume that is the signal you are giving?
This is all conjecture on my part of course because while I know you have "detached" the definition of that is different for everyone. Expectations should be very low.
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