New here and conflicted
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 3
New here and conflicted
Hi, new to this and have been reading so many of your stories and situations. Those alone have given me assurance that I am definitely in the right place. I love and adore my AH. We have been married for 23 years, we have two grown daughters. Oldest is out of nest and out of state. Youngest lives at home and is attending college. I was a SAHM and am now trying to figure out what the heck to do.
I married a sweet young Christian youth leader, virgin, never drank, smoked etc. He’s a hard worker and amazing provider. A couple of years into our marriage he started a career that requires shift work, is dangerous, stressful, admirable and has slowly but ever so surely changed him and his view of humanity. His line of work has high divorce and alcoholism rates. “The pay is great!” BFD SMH 🤦🏼*♀️
Six years ago was the start of torrential “storms” for our family. Our OD was assaulted sexually her freshman year of high-school by a senior. That rocked our family to the core. I’d never seen my husband drunk before the storms and now I rarely go a day seeing him not drinking.
Shortly after our daughter’s trauma my dad had a stroke, went into a coma and passed away two months later leaving my mentally ill mom in our care along with their estate, no will and many dysfunctional family members to tend with. Mind you, my parents lived 8 hours from us...this was another long, obliterating storm amongst my little family and we had not even began to recover the first one. The number of storms continued to flood us. Surgeries, in laws, OD began using drugs and acting out even more. YD experienced crippling anxiety to the point she homeschooled for 2 years. Court proceedings, my mom’s requirement of my full attention. OD was assaulted a second time more severely and proceeded to date a meth dealer/addict and live homeless in her car. Can you believe there’s still more continuing to go on? Yeah, our OD life choices have really taken its toll on our whole family.
Anyways...you all can see how this started and now that the storms have passed we are weary, broken and realizing the long term damages ensued. So it makes it very hard for me to have to draw a line, place boundaries and possibly even separate from him but I can’t watch the love of my life slowly die from alcoholism.
He is kind, hardworking and very respected by his friends and colleagues. He is a high-functioning mostly home based drinker who drinks himself to sleep. He’s put on a lot of weight, his face is always red and is now more than ever smelling of booze and sweat. It’s hard to watch him this way. He admits he has to quit or “moderate”. But refuses to believe he’s an alcoholic because he deals with alcoholics in his line of work on a daily basis. We’ve been through several “cycles” and I have been advised by my psychiatrist (who is a 20 year RA) to leave my husband for my own mental and physical health. I’ve just become sick with worry and stress but I don’t have any where to go, we built a new house a couple of years ago and I’m about to start a quilting business from it. How do I leave him when I’m committed to him for life? In sickness and in health?
I’m considering staying in our travel trailer, but it’s literally just outside our home. I don’t know what to do. I’m going to start going to Al-anon meetings and hope my AH will come with me to my psychiatrist for a talk. I've asked over and over for him to make an appt with his doctor as I am worried about his health. I feel like the only way to get his attention that this is a serious problem is firm boundaries/separation. I know I must because of how much I love him. I can’t save him or change him and I’m done living with the insanity.
Thank you you for listening
I married a sweet young Christian youth leader, virgin, never drank, smoked etc. He’s a hard worker and amazing provider. A couple of years into our marriage he started a career that requires shift work, is dangerous, stressful, admirable and has slowly but ever so surely changed him and his view of humanity. His line of work has high divorce and alcoholism rates. “The pay is great!” BFD SMH 🤦🏼*♀️
Six years ago was the start of torrential “storms” for our family. Our OD was assaulted sexually her freshman year of high-school by a senior. That rocked our family to the core. I’d never seen my husband drunk before the storms and now I rarely go a day seeing him not drinking.
Shortly after our daughter’s trauma my dad had a stroke, went into a coma and passed away two months later leaving my mentally ill mom in our care along with their estate, no will and many dysfunctional family members to tend with. Mind you, my parents lived 8 hours from us...this was another long, obliterating storm amongst my little family and we had not even began to recover the first one. The number of storms continued to flood us. Surgeries, in laws, OD began using drugs and acting out even more. YD experienced crippling anxiety to the point she homeschooled for 2 years. Court proceedings, my mom’s requirement of my full attention. OD was assaulted a second time more severely and proceeded to date a meth dealer/addict and live homeless in her car. Can you believe there’s still more continuing to go on? Yeah, our OD life choices have really taken its toll on our whole family.
Anyways...you all can see how this started and now that the storms have passed we are weary, broken and realizing the long term damages ensued. So it makes it very hard for me to have to draw a line, place boundaries and possibly even separate from him but I can’t watch the love of my life slowly die from alcoholism.
He is kind, hardworking and very respected by his friends and colleagues. He is a high-functioning mostly home based drinker who drinks himself to sleep. He’s put on a lot of weight, his face is always red and is now more than ever smelling of booze and sweat. It’s hard to watch him this way. He admits he has to quit or “moderate”. But refuses to believe he’s an alcoholic because he deals with alcoholics in his line of work on a daily basis. We’ve been through several “cycles” and I have been advised by my psychiatrist (who is a 20 year RA) to leave my husband for my own mental and physical health. I’ve just become sick with worry and stress but I don’t have any where to go, we built a new house a couple of years ago and I’m about to start a quilting business from it. How do I leave him when I’m committed to him for life? In sickness and in health?
I’m considering staying in our travel trailer, but it’s literally just outside our home. I don’t know what to do. I’m going to start going to Al-anon meetings and hope my AH will come with me to my psychiatrist for a talk. I've asked over and over for him to make an appt with his doctor as I am worried about his health. I feel like the only way to get his attention that this is a serious problem is firm boundaries/separation. I know I must because of how much I love him. I can’t save him or change him and I’m done living with the insanity.
Thank you you for listening
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
hi Grace4ever and welcome. Glad you have read around a bit and found some information and stories you can relate to.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
I can understand your commitment to him, however, based on what you have said, perhaps it is time to distance yourself, for your own well being.
Is there any reason he can't move out in to the trailer? Either way, it does sound like at least a solid short term plan. You do need time and distance to come out of the fog - (fear, obligation, guilt).
He will quit drinking when he is ready to quit and not one moment before. You mention: "I've asked over and over for him to make an appt with his doctor". Asking once or maybe even twice is showing concern, anything other than that is just falling on deaf ears. He is a grown man and he does have the right to make his own choices.
This means even if you don't agree or don't like it.
On the flipside you also get to make choices that are best for you. Perhaps it's time, as your psychiatrist said, to start taking care of yourself.
Maybe it's time to start making a plan? Speak with a lawyer, a consultation to see where you stand legally, should you decide to legally separate. Come up with a financial plan. As you are starting a small business once that is up and running perhaps that will put you on a better financial footing.
What would you like to do?
Just a note that what you are saying in the part I have quoted is a conflicting idea. Boundaries and separation are for YOU, nothing to do with him. You don't want to use either as a "threat" to somehow force his hand. It's generally very ineffective and is manipulation at best (and again, usually completely not helpful).
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
I can understand your commitment to him, however, based on what you have said, perhaps it is time to distance yourself, for your own well being.
Is there any reason he can't move out in to the trailer? Either way, it does sound like at least a solid short term plan. You do need time and distance to come out of the fog - (fear, obligation, guilt).
He will quit drinking when he is ready to quit and not one moment before. You mention: "I've asked over and over for him to make an appt with his doctor". Asking once or maybe even twice is showing concern, anything other than that is just falling on deaf ears. He is a grown man and he does have the right to make his own choices.
This means even if you don't agree or don't like it.
On the flipside you also get to make choices that are best for you. Perhaps it's time, as your psychiatrist said, to start taking care of yourself.
Maybe it's time to start making a plan? Speak with a lawyer, a consultation to see where you stand legally, should you decide to legally separate. Come up with a financial plan. As you are starting a small business once that is up and running perhaps that will put you on a better financial footing.
What would you like to do?
Originally Posted by Grace4Ever 
I feel like the only way to get his attention that this is a serious problem is firm boundaries/separation. I know I must because of how much I love him. I can’t save him or change him and I’m done living with the insanity.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Grace, what a heart-wrenching story you've told us of a family that is in turmoil through outside forces. Your husband has so many good qualities, now being distorted through alcohol abuse. It's a common thread on this forum.
You may have to separate if you're suffering to the point of it harming your mental health. No-one would expect you to push carry on more that you can cope with in this situation, and it's important that someone in your family keeps it together. It might also be the best thing for your AH. I'm sure he knows he has a problem but isn't willing to face it at the moment, and you leaving might force him to face the consequences of continuing to drink.
Take some time to consult and think, and also take stock of where you are in life financially and legally. Your AH may not be fit for the work-force forever so you returning to outside employment may be necessary. It might also open up your world outside the home and be good for you mentally. Nothing has to happen tomorrow, but it won't hurt to get your ducks in a row.
You may have to separate if you're suffering to the point of it harming your mental health. No-one would expect you to push carry on more that you can cope with in this situation, and it's important that someone in your family keeps it together. It might also be the best thing for your AH. I'm sure he knows he has a problem but isn't willing to face it at the moment, and you leaving might force him to face the consequences of continuing to drink.
Take some time to consult and think, and also take stock of where you are in life financially and legally. Your AH may not be fit for the work-force forever so you returning to outside employment may be necessary. It might also open up your world outside the home and be good for you mentally. Nothing has to happen tomorrow, but it won't hurt to get your ducks in a row.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 36
Hi, Grace4ever,
My heart goes out to you. My husband used to be someone who I would consider had moral character, was an encourager and always was looking for opportunities to help others. I trusted him implicitly. I felt so blessed. Sadly, no more. I still struggle with leaving him as I took a vow, a covenant of sorts.
Here's a bit of the before and after:
During our marriage, he became very very close to my parents. He came from a horrific childhood, but he considered my mom and dad substitutes for his crazy, abusive parents. They loved each other. When my father was dying of colon cancer in 2007, at my husband's insistence, we drove every Friday night 200 miles and spent the weekend with them, just so he could help my mother with my father's care. He bathed my father, fed him, shaved him, mowed his lawn, did everything he could for both of them. My mother and I were food shopping when my father passed. My husband was sitting at my father's bedside singing hymns to him when he died. He was devastated, but at the same time relieved that my father was no longer suffering. He gave the eulogy at my dad's funeral. That's the person I remember.
Then ten years ago, he started drinking. I still am unable to write the circumstances here yet of how it all started, but will some day. The person I knew doesn't exist today. He's now chosen a very different path and there's nothing I can do about it. I can only take care of me. (For the record, I am ever the hopeful one that he will change/return to his senses, but as is said here many times, hope is not a plan).
Now the after bit:
In April, it was my birthday. I was working an hour away from home in a part of a city where there's only metered parking, one-way streets and tons of traffic. Overtime parking tickets cost $39, and an hour after they write out the ticket if you don't move, they put a boot on your car. I got out of my car to put quarters in the meter, and there was nothing in my wallet. Nothing. I was upset and called my husband. He was already drunk and admitted taking the money for beer. I started hysterically crying. A passerby stuck in traffic in a pickup truck heard my distress and called out to me and said, "Here's some quarters, honey, just for you." I couldn't meet his eyes. I was so embarrassed but yet so grateful to him. To me he was an angel in disguise really.
When I got home, I was so very angry and wanted to leave, but felt so conflicted about it (that vow!), but that night, I moved out of the bedroom. I made a little sanctuary for myself in another room and surrounded myself with things I love, where still I am today. This has given me a little teensy bit of distance. I need sanity. Later today, I am headed to a fancy schmancy spa for the weekend with a close friend (Yay for me!). Next weekend, I have made plans to stay with my brother in another state to give me a breather as well. Ultimately, will I finally, finally leave? Maybe, but right now I am still, as someone said here, grieving my marriage.
Have you considered moving into another part of the house on a temporary basis until you can have your business up and running? Maybe that can be a help for you.
I know it's so difficult. Sending hugs and prayers for you. **hugs**
My heart goes out to you. My husband used to be someone who I would consider had moral character, was an encourager and always was looking for opportunities to help others. I trusted him implicitly. I felt so blessed. Sadly, no more. I still struggle with leaving him as I took a vow, a covenant of sorts.
Here's a bit of the before and after:
During our marriage, he became very very close to my parents. He came from a horrific childhood, but he considered my mom and dad substitutes for his crazy, abusive parents. They loved each other. When my father was dying of colon cancer in 2007, at my husband's insistence, we drove every Friday night 200 miles and spent the weekend with them, just so he could help my mother with my father's care. He bathed my father, fed him, shaved him, mowed his lawn, did everything he could for both of them. My mother and I were food shopping when my father passed. My husband was sitting at my father's bedside singing hymns to him when he died. He was devastated, but at the same time relieved that my father was no longer suffering. He gave the eulogy at my dad's funeral. That's the person I remember.
Then ten years ago, he started drinking. I still am unable to write the circumstances here yet of how it all started, but will some day. The person I knew doesn't exist today. He's now chosen a very different path and there's nothing I can do about it. I can only take care of me. (For the record, I am ever the hopeful one that he will change/return to his senses, but as is said here many times, hope is not a plan).
Now the after bit:
In April, it was my birthday. I was working an hour away from home in a part of a city where there's only metered parking, one-way streets and tons of traffic. Overtime parking tickets cost $39, and an hour after they write out the ticket if you don't move, they put a boot on your car. I got out of my car to put quarters in the meter, and there was nothing in my wallet. Nothing. I was upset and called my husband. He was already drunk and admitted taking the money for beer. I started hysterically crying. A passerby stuck in traffic in a pickup truck heard my distress and called out to me and said, "Here's some quarters, honey, just for you." I couldn't meet his eyes. I was so embarrassed but yet so grateful to him. To me he was an angel in disguise really.
When I got home, I was so very angry and wanted to leave, but felt so conflicted about it (that vow!), but that night, I moved out of the bedroom. I made a little sanctuary for myself in another room and surrounded myself with things I love, where still I am today. This has given me a little teensy bit of distance. I need sanity. Later today, I am headed to a fancy schmancy spa for the weekend with a close friend (Yay for me!). Next weekend, I have made plans to stay with my brother in another state to give me a breather as well. Ultimately, will I finally, finally leave? Maybe, but right now I am still, as someone said here, grieving my marriage.
Have you considered moving into another part of the house on a temporary basis until you can have your business up and running? Maybe that can be a help for you.
I know it's so difficult. Sending hugs and prayers for you. **hugs**
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
What a heartbreaking story, Grace. I'm so sorry all this has happened to your family. I always wish I had some magic words to give you or actions you could take that would fix this for you...but there are none.
Alcoholism is a family disease, and your family so clearly has been impacted. Have you or your daughter ever sought counseling? Is there a trusted pastor you could speak with?
Alcoholism is a family disease, and your family so clearly has been impacted. Have you or your daughter ever sought counseling? Is there a trusted pastor you could speak with?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm so sorry you had to come looking for us, but I am very glad you're here. I echo what the others have already said and just want to add that "high-functioning" is not a Type of alcoholism, but a Stage.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Grace4Ever,
What a touching story. I send you my prayers and strength. You have had to deal with a lot in your family.
Your AH has changed due to the alcohol taking charge. It want's to stay in charge, that's why you can ask him over and over again to see a doctor and he wont. The alcoholic just see it as interference to getting another drink. He has to want to change.
I know you feel committed to him and took marriage vows for life in sickness and health. But he has broken these vows with you. he doesn't want to get healthy. He just want's to come home and drink himself till he fall asleep . That is no type of life for you. be like Sheepherder and find a spot where you can be in your own little sanctuary to distance your self. I would ask him to move out to the travel trailer. Right now nothing is changing for him, so he feels like he doesn't need to change. Trailmix is also right about the boundraies.
Go to anAl-Anon meeting. You will feel better afterwards. I know I did and still do after each and every meeting. I was scared at first but overcame my shyness and opened up and they treated me with kindness and compassion. Have a beautiful day, stay strong and reach out to us for help.
What a touching story. I send you my prayers and strength. You have had to deal with a lot in your family.
Your AH has changed due to the alcohol taking charge. It want's to stay in charge, that's why you can ask him over and over again to see a doctor and he wont. The alcoholic just see it as interference to getting another drink. He has to want to change.
I know you feel committed to him and took marriage vows for life in sickness and health. But he has broken these vows with you. he doesn't want to get healthy. He just want's to come home and drink himself till he fall asleep . That is no type of life for you. be like Sheepherder and find a spot where you can be in your own little sanctuary to distance your self. I would ask him to move out to the travel trailer. Right now nothing is changing for him, so he feels like he doesn't need to change. Trailmix is also right about the boundraies.
Originally Posted by trailmix
Just a note that what you are saying in the part I have quoted is a conflicting idea. Boundaries and separation are for YOU, nothing to do with him. You don't want to use either as a "threat" to somehow force his hand. It's generally very ineffective and is manipulation at best (and again, usually completely not helpful).
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