Working on yourself apathy
 

Noticing this last few days a certain annoyance and being fed up of self awareness. All the learning and working on myself and trying to heal from codependency has included my pulling back from spending time with certain family members.

I was at an uncle's funeral at the weekend and you know what I noticed? That eventhough a lot of the people there (relations) would talk behind each others back or complain about each other they were all still in each others lives and had partners!

What I'm saying is this working on yourself thing can be very isolating, and before anyone says go join groups of like minded people I've done that, it's not the same as family or a partner. I'm tired of looking at peoples relationships and analysing if they are codependent or not or their attachment style or whatever. What have I got to do to feel normal?

I'm so tired of it all when it seems the people that thrive the best are ones that are direct, forceful, opinionated, judgemental etc. I dont know anymore.

Maybe it’s an internal boundaries thing? I know in my every day life with family, I do best when I don’t start down that road...I’m reminded of a quote from this book I read a while back, “The Globalization of the American psyche”. He said once you start viewing someone through the lens of an American/ Western psychiatric diagnosis, it’s very hard to stop. It’s one thing to talk about it online, or as concepts, but I find that to be true in real life, for me it’s better if I don’t pigeon hole myself or other people too much with that type of thing. I think diagnoses (including thing like “codependency”) are helpful only up to the point that they are actually helpful- if it’s starts being this thing where it becomes your identity, or you find yourself looking for it in others too much, it can drive you crazy. Other people might not even live in the world of these concepts anyways.

For me, I do kind of have to know diagnoses and learned a little more than I bargained for between work and things I’ve read on my own , but I find I do better if I stick to behaviors, and focus on what does and doesn’t affect me personally (that would be the internal boundaries). Sometimes it is interesting when you see things playing out in real life (like when you recognize the different attachment styles in others), or you recognize a “diagnosis”- and you can apply that knowledge after all of that hard work and learning- but having good boundaries in your own head really helps, so you don’t get “pulled out of yourself” when interacting with others. They can be free to do what’s right for them, and you can do what’s right for you..

Yeah...sometimes all the self-inventory stuff gets exhausting and isolating, and I have to turn it off for a while and just coast--and go enjoy a burger with friends.

What a wonderful thread, GlenJo. Thank you so much!!!!
I definitely agree with everyone so far.
I believe that recovery work can be tiring at a very basic level. Change is hard.
I too fall prey to trying to figure out what makes other tick. This is dangerously close sometimes to getting "hoovered" into their illnesses.
There is a local priest here in our town who has been so crazy, I find myself getting crazy trying to figure him out. Most of his parish of 20,000 is supporting him while he is being investigated by the diocese of multiple counts of sexual harassment and financial improprieties. If I let myself get absorbed in trying to figure out the dynamics of this guy and what drives 20,000 people to follow him, I will be the craziest of all.
I have to detach. I have to live and let live. I am still in recovery.

What you said makes sense especially "He said once you start viewing someone through the lens of an American/ Western psychiatric diagnosis, it’s very hard to stop". I feel like pandoras box has been opened and it's impossible to go back. It is driving me a bit crazy looking for it in myself and others, (I do have to use it for some of my work which doesn't help).

A lot of other people for sure dont live in a world of these concepts. That was a really good way of putting it, getting pulled out of myself when interacting with others. My boundaries around this are weak and something I need to be aware of.

Getting hovered into other peoples illnesses or behaviours is a good way to put it, when diagnosing it is very easy to do this! It is crazy making and to be honest I feel like just getting on a plane and escaping it all, but I'd be bringing my brain with me. Live and let live is a good motto, I need to firm up my boundaries and be human.

[QUOTE=Dazedandconfus;7269825]

Great post. Healing, growth and change are all very exhausting. I think that’s exactly why so many people stay “stuck.”

I agree I think it is why so many people stay stuck and sometimes I wonder why bother. What am I reaching for? Is it some Oprah, Dali Lama, tony Robbins type life where I am enlightened and I'm floating on clouds. What's the point if I'm just back here judging and analysing how I and other people are, on my OWN. Real life requires failing and faults and bad behaviours and messing up and boy im really questioning opening that pandoras box right now. I'm tempted to say I need to work on my boundaries and there it is again, more work! Surely life is not meant to be this hard/exhausting.

I think live and let live is a great motto to go by. Then if something affects you personally (or you have some predator that’s a danger to others or something), then you figure out the best course of action to take.

One thing that has helped me- and it seems so simple, but it’s taken me a long time to really “get” it- is as a sensitive person with empathetic traits (and taking it really hard when people hurt me)- is to look for empathy in others. Do they treat other people like crap? Do they treat me like crap? If something hurts me and they apologize, do they keep doing it anyways because really, they don’t care? Are they “mirroring” me, but I’m noticing things don’t really add up? Maybe my circle these days is very small, but being able to discern certain personality traits helps me- empathy being high on my list.

If someone doesn’t have it, chances are, I’m just going to end up being hurt down the line. I find this is true of family, friends, romantic relationships. So if I recognize lack of empathy. I try to be careful about how much of myself I put out there to begin with. Self preservation. So you can live and let live, people are going to be who they are, but it’s good to be discerning, and to pay attention and notice certain types of personality traits early. Better that you don’t give too much of yourself prematurely, and end up with your head on the chopping block, because you’ve assumed that others have the same type of mindset as you and feel bad when they hurt others because you do- when really, some people just don’t :/.

I feel like that too except, I might be loosing myself in self and other analysis. Loosing myself in trying to meditate, exercise, self help and just feeling worn out because I feel others who just go with flow and are not so serious flourish.

I've learned to accept that I'm not psychic and have no way of knowing what anyone's thinking. I tried that for years and found I was consistently wrong. It's like trying to figure out why others aren't alcoholics. And while I'm focusing on other people I'm not dealing with my own issues. Yea, it's a process......

That is true about not being able to know what others are thinking, for me it's more reading their behaviours and putting them into a box/category (eg codependent) but whether I'm wrong or right its no way to live. As was said earlier its pulling me out of myself with interactions with others. For me I'm over focused on my own issues too and thats tiring.

For myself, I think focusing on others is a way of not dealing with my own issues.

Glenjo, many concepts/slogans of alanon address this, things like
my side of the street, let it go, easy does it, etc. The simplicity is
deceptive, it has helped me stay on my side of the street, and mind
my own business. Not my monkey.

Maybe give yourself a couple weeks off? Make a deal with yourself
you are putting all of it down for a bit to just relax and have fun.

Leave things be- it will be there when you are ready :)

Yes I hear what your saying, it's also codependent 101 behaviour. For me I'm doing both. I suppose what I'm trying to get across is in my interactions with others it's not even conscious now, the pandoras box thing I mentioned earlier, it's like I do it without thinking and its exhausting. Dealing with my own issues which I am through therapy and other things is part of what I'm talking about too. I'm wondering is it all too much. Too much awareness.

I like the sound of that, leaving things be for a couple of weeks. Giving myself permission to let it go. It's worth a shot, I think the over analytical brain part will be a challenge.