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Working on yourself apathy

Old 09-19-2019, 02:43 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Glenjo-

I just want to remind you that at least for me, over "efforting" was part of my behavior challenges and it was part of what I got to look at in part of this journey.

I also needed to learn how not to feel guilty about letting things go.
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Old 09-19-2019, 04:03 PM
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Try this link. vw passat road trip Spanish

Anvil said he was learning Spanish in the car.
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Old 09-19-2019, 04:30 PM
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ha, that is too funny!!! and "she" loves it, thank you!
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Old 09-19-2019, 10:52 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Glenjo-

I just want to remind you that at least for me, over "efforting" was part of my behavior challenges and it was part of what I got to look at in part of this journey.

I also needed to learn how not to feel guilty about letting things go.
It is something I need to look at too. It's another stick to beat myself with.
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Old 09-20-2019, 04:30 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Read this today in the language of letting go for sept 20th.

"In recovery were learning to let ourselves go, to be spontaneous. Spontaneity may frighten some of us, afraid of loosing control. We may still be operating under the codependent rules, be good, be perfect, be strong, dont have fun and always be in control which stifle spontaneity. Spontaneity emerges as our confidence and trust in ourselves increases and we become more secure in our ability to maintain healthy boundaries".

This part spoke straight to me as it describes accurataccurately how I've been feeling. "let go of your tight rein on yourself". So what if your wrong, make a mistake or act a little needy.

Just shows the tight rein i put on myself and the control is symptomatic of Codependency.
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Old 09-20-2019, 08:45 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
It is something I need to look at too. It's another stick to beat myself with.
Oh I did not mean it that way at all. I more meant it to support you that this work is hard. This rest stuff for me has taken the longest to be with.

I meant in the season of the leaves dropping and the trees showing us how beautiful it is to let things go, this was part of my journey. Oddly harder than the "work."

I am so grateful I did it though. I still struggle to trust the universe and the flow of life, but I am at at peace that more effort and more worry will not fix it.
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Old 09-20-2019, 09:59 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Oh I did not mean it that way at all. I more meant it to support you that this work is hard. This rest stuff for me has taken the longest to be with.

I meant in the season of the leaves dropping and the trees showing us how beautiful it is to let things go, this was part of my journey. Oddly harder than the "work."

I am so grateful I did it though. I still struggle to trust the universe and the flow of life, but I am at at peace that more effort and more worry will not fix it.
Ah ok, I see what you mean. More effort and worry wont help for sure.
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Old 09-20-2019, 10:13 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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At least once a year I get fed up with alcoholism recovery as well and I have to share about it in a meeting to get back on the wagon. I've been sober almost 28 years and that still happens. Maybe just give it a rest....
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Old 09-20-2019, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
At least once a year I get fed up with alcoholism recovery as well and I have to share about it in a meeting to get back on the wagon. I've been sober almost 28 years and that still happens. Maybe just give it a rest....
Yes Im trying to do that this week, take my foot off the pedal and relax about recovery. Not easy but I'm trying. Helps to hear that you experience this too, makes me feel human.
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Old 09-20-2019, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
Yes Im trying to do that this week, take my foot off the pedal and relax about recovery. Not easy but I'm trying. Helps to hear that you experience this too, makes me feel human.
Less trying more doing?

It's hard to change patterns. Tough, tough, tough. You of all people know this.

So, a year or so ago you weren't familiar with co-dependency and you weren't in the throes of a quest to untangle yourself from a relationship with an alcoholic. You took steps. Posted here, did research, read books, listened to podcasts etc.

You learned.

Why can you not apply that same tenacity (in small steps) to loosening up a bit?

Put that burden down for a while. Focus on fun. Yes, it might just be that you are going to have to apply the same steps to loosening up and living and enjoying your life as you did to unravelling codependency and attachment to the alcoholic.

You know, you still sound depressed.
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Old 09-20-2019, 11:47 AM
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Agree
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Old 09-20-2019, 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Less trying more doing?

It's hard to change patterns. Tough, tough, tough. You of all people know this.

So, a year or so ago you weren't familiar with co-dependency and you weren't in the throes of a quest to untangle yourself from a relationship with an alcoholic. You took steps. Posted here, did research, read books, listened to podcasts etc.

You learned.

Why can you not apply that same tenacity (in small steps) to loosening up a bit?

Put that burden down for a while. Focus on fun. Yes, it might just be that you are going to have to apply the same steps to loosening up and living and enjoying your life as you did to unravelling codependency and attachment to the alcoholic.

You know, you still sound depressed.
You learned.

Why can you not apply that same tenacity (in small steps) to loosening up a bit? you learned.

I suppose because i fear that I'll forget it all, that I have to keep on top of things. I dont see it as something that you learn and then move on, to me your continually learning and I haven't "healed" yet in terms of inner child work. That takes years. This week I'm tired of it. As for depression I've been fine these last weeks it's this week I'm feeling this way so I dont think so.
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Old 09-20-2019, 12:34 PM
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are you perhaps hiding a bit in your "recovery"?

going back to my "spanish the car" reference - remember i said i "seem" to only be reasonably marginal when i'm IN my car. because it's safe! i'm not actually speaking spanish to anyone, therefore i am not making any grammatical or pronunciation errors that anyone else would hear or notice. i have a recorded voice telling me what to say, then patiently waiting while i fumble through it and even telling me Good Job!

a couple things i've learned.....this new language stuff ain't easy....for ME. i forget a LOT. but i'm not forgetting everything. i'm probably not going to be holding lengthy conversations IN spanish with ANYONE at the rate i'm going, at least not be Noviembre!! but i might get as far as name, occupation and closest bathroom, all in one go! LOL

nobody is tracking my progress, but me.
nobody really CARES about my progress, but me.
and if i never take my lousy espanol OUT of the car, then what was the point?

recovery is so much the same.....it's NOT a race, it's NOT a competition, there are no BEST RECOVERY OF THE YEAR awards ceremonies.

if you had decided instead to take up bird watching, at some point you'd have to put down the All About Birds book and go outside and LOOK for birds!
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Old 09-20-2019, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
are you perhaps hiding a bit in your "recovery"?

going back to my "spanish the car" reference - remember i said i "seem" to only be reasonably marginal when i'm IN my car. because it's safe! i'm not actually speaking spanish to anyone, therefore i am not making any grammatical or pronunciation errors that anyone else would hear or notice. i have a recorded voice telling me what to say, then patiently waiting while i fumble through it and even telling me Good Job!

a couple things i've learned.....this new language stuff ain't easy....for ME. i forget a LOT. but i'm not forgetting everything. i'm probably not going to be holding lengthy conversations IN spanish with ANYONE at the rate i'm going, at least not be Noviembre!! but i might get as far as name, occupation and closest bathroom, all in one go! LOL

nobody is tracking my progress, but me.
nobody really CARES about my progress, but me.
and if i never take my lousy espanol OUT of the car, then what was the point?

recovery is so much the same.....it's NOT a race, it's NOT a competition, there are no BEST RECOVERY OF THE YEAR awards ceremonies.

if you had decided instead to take up bird watching, at some point you'd have to put down the All About Birds book and go outside and LOOK for birds!
there are no BEST RECOVERY OF THE YEAR awards ceremonies.

Well what a waste of my time 🙄. Joke. I take your points and they make sense. Just need to put down the books for a bit and live, and just hope I return to it when I'm ready. Or perhaps this is part of the recovery!
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Old 09-20-2019, 01:01 PM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
You learned.

Why can you not apply that same tenacity (in small steps) to loosening up a bit? you learned.

I suppose because i fear that I'll forget it all, that I have to keep on top of things. I dont see it as something that you learn and then move on, to me your continually learning and I haven't "healed" yet in terms of inner child work. That takes years. This week I'm tired of it. As for depression I've been fine these last weeks it's this week I'm feeling this way so I dont think so.
Trust me, you are not going to forget it all.

Now, will you still make some mistakes? Absolutely. Heck I was married to someone that hit me and later on I was in a relationship with a narcissist.

Could we say I didn't learn anything from being in an abusive relationship? No. Because I did and that never, ever goes away. I have a boundary, if someone hits me I walk away - right then, no discussion, there can be no apology. I'm not going to forget that boundary. Then again, not all abuse is created equal not all abuse "looks" the same. So we learn some more.

Frankly I think you are too cautious to step in to anything right now anyway.

But! Romantic relationships aside, that doesn't mean you can't be out there in the world making friends and experiencing people. Talking, finding your interest in people again.

You don't have to be scared, you are going to be ok.
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Old 09-20-2019, 01:03 PM
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sorry to pop the ole bubble there!
there is a HUGE difference between trying to be the Best Person Who Ever Lived - and - just being the best you that you can on any given day.

back to bird watching.....notice they don't have therapists, or self help books. notice they don't try to a dog or a cat or a rhino? what do birds DO? BE BIRDS. and that's it.

or take slugs as an example. really kinda gross slimy creature which doesn't even seem to HAVE a real purpose except to be slimy and ruin everyone's strawberries. but day in, day out, what do THEY do? Be Slugs.

keep it simple. stay in today. don't go jumping out of trees without wings and stay out of my strawberries! just be you........
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Old 09-20-2019, 01:08 PM
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Now I want a recording in my car that tells me - Good job!
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Old 09-20-2019, 01:13 PM
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Glenjo, I was reading this article and you might find it interesting:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/b...ersonal-trauma
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Old 09-20-2019, 01:16 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
sorry to pop the ole bubble there!
there is a HUGE difference between trying to be the Best Person Who Ever Lived - and - just being the best you that you can on any given day.

back to bird watching.....notice they don't have therapists, or self help books. notice they don't try to a dog or a cat or a rhino? what do birds DO? BE BIRDS. and that's it.

or take slugs as an example. really kinda gross slimy creature which doesn't even seem to HAVE a real purpose except to be slimy and ruin everyone's strawberries. but day in, day out, what do THEY do? Be Slugs.

keep it simple. stay in today. don't go jumping out of trees without wings and stay out of my strawberries! just be you........
"keep it simple. stay in today. don't go jumping out of trees without wings and stay out of my strawberries! just be you........"

Now I'm all kinds of confused by that last piece but I think I get the gist of what your saying. Birds and slugs however dont have the ability to over analyse, catastrophise or try to heal themselves from codependency. I will try and keep it simple though. Going to put books down for a bit.
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Old 09-20-2019, 01:17 PM
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It occurs to me that you've applied the recovery lessons in an extremely controlled environment, and now you've got to step into the real world and where it goes from there.

I've started singing again after a number of years. It's one thing to listen to YouTube videos and read books that tell you how to sing, it's a whole other ball game when you finally do it. And for me, it's a pure absolute joy.

I've started hitting notes that I could have never achieved when I was younger. I yelp and enter "Peter Brady" territory during warmups, and I deliberately choose music that can send the neighborhood cats scurrying away. It took me thirty plus years to realize I was never going to get any better unless I embraced the ugly. And so I grown (kind of) to love those cracked notes and vocal skids. Embracing imperfection isn't a bad thing at all.
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