Working on yourself apathy
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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glenjo - I would suggest you go join groups of like minded people lol
kidding!
You know, you don't need to psychoanalyze anyone, ever. You have your ideal, your boundaries you know what you want and what you don't want.
You are micro-managing and there is no need for that.
Along the way you are going to meet nice people and loyal people and manipulators and abusers and people who are artistic and hilarious and some with addiction problems and whatever.
Their problems are not your problems. Your best pal can be codependent or hilarious or an addict - well maybe not your bff - this is about accepting people right where they are, not where you think they should be.
Once you do that, all and everyone can be invited in to your life (in different ways).
kidding!
You know, you don't need to psychoanalyze anyone, ever. You have your ideal, your boundaries you know what you want and what you don't want.
You are micro-managing and there is no need for that.
Along the way you are going to meet nice people and loyal people and manipulators and abusers and people who are artistic and hilarious and some with addiction problems and whatever.
Their problems are not your problems. Your best pal can be codependent or hilarious or an addict - well maybe not your bff - this is about accepting people right where they are, not where you think they should be.
Once you do that, all and everyone can be invited in to your life (in different ways).
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by trailmix 
glenjo - I would suggest you go join groups of like minded people lol
kidding!
You know, you don't need to psychoanalyze anyone, ever. You have your ideal, your boundaries you know what you want and what you don't want.
You are micro-managing and there is no need for that.
Along the way you are going to meet nice people and loyal people and manipulators and abusers and people who are artistic and hilarious and some with addiction problems and whatever.
Their problems are not your problems. Your best pal can be codependent or hilarious or an addict - well maybe not your bff - this is about accepting people right where they are, not where you think they should be.
Once you do that, all and everyone can be invited in to your life (in different ways).
kidding!
You know, you don't need to psychoanalyze anyone, ever. You have your ideal, your boundaries you know what you want and what you don't want.
You are micro-managing and there is no need for that.
Along the way you are going to meet nice people and loyal people and manipulators and abusers and people who are artistic and hilarious and some with addiction problems and whatever.
Their problems are not your problems. Your best pal can be codependent or hilarious or an addict - well maybe not your bff - this is about accepting people right where they are, not where you think they should be.
Once you do that, all and everyone can be invited in to your life (in different ways).
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
time to put down the Inventory Clipboard!!
maybe its time to take a bit of a break from all the "therapizing" (my word, you can use it!) and just BE for a bit? fire up some good music for the headphones, or find a 10 hour plus audiobook to spend some good quality time with.
not a self help book, not a psuedo self help book, just a good ole novel. i absolutely HATED The Goldfinch, but it was a lot of book for the audible credit and lasted a lonnnnng time. it became a war of wills and i was not going to be beaten by a damn book!!!
recently i've been "learning Spanish in my car." my daughter and i head to Mexico in Noviembre and i thought this was good motivation to try learning something new. i am absolutely worthless as a spanish speaker UNLESS i'm in the car! LOL i've gone thru multiple books/methods. i finally had to take a break. my brain was like No Mas Por Favor!!! could we not try to conjugate verbs in the past tense for a while???? could we listen to our mother tongue for a wee bit?
we all get information overload from time to time. it happens.
when it does, when we see it, we change things up. doesn't have to be a big deal. just a shift. we aren't abandoning our program. we are actually enhancing it. the point is to LIVE LIFE. not be a student on HOW TO forever.
maybe its time to take a bit of a break from all the "therapizing" (my word, you can use it!) and just BE for a bit? fire up some good music for the headphones, or find a 10 hour plus audiobook to spend some good quality time with.
not a self help book, not a psuedo self help book, just a good ole novel. i absolutely HATED The Goldfinch, but it was a lot of book for the audible credit and lasted a lonnnnng time. it became a war of wills and i was not going to be beaten by a damn book!!!
recently i've been "learning Spanish in my car." my daughter and i head to Mexico in Noviembre and i thought this was good motivation to try learning something new. i am absolutely worthless as a spanish speaker UNLESS i'm in the car! LOL i've gone thru multiple books/methods. i finally had to take a break. my brain was like No Mas Por Favor!!! could we not try to conjugate verbs in the past tense for a while???? could we listen to our mother tongue for a wee bit?
we all get information overload from time to time. it happens.
when it does, when we see it, we change things up. doesn't have to be a big deal. just a shift. we aren't abandoning our program. we are actually enhancing it. the point is to LIVE LIFE. not be a student on HOW TO forever.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i am absolutely worthless as a spanish speaker UNLESS i'm in the car! LOL
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
time to put down the Inventory Clipboard!!
maybe its time to take a bit of a break from all the "therapizing" (my word, you can use it!) and just BE for a bit? fire up some good music for the headphones, or find a 10 hour plus audiobook to spend some good quality time with.
not a self help book, not a psuedo self help book, just a good ole novel. i absolutely HATED The Goldfinch, but it was a lot of book for the audible credit and lasted a lonnnnng time. it became a war of wills and i was not going to be beaten by a damn book!!!
recently i've been "learning Spanish in my car." my daughter and i head to Mexico in Noviembre and i thought this was good motivation to try learning something new. i am absolutely worthless as a spanish speaker UNLESS i'm in the car! LOL i've gone thru multiple books/methods. i finally had to take a break. my brain was like No Mas Por Favor!!! could we not try to conjugate verbs in the past tense for a while???? could we listen to our mother tongue for a wee bit?
we all get information overload from time to time. it happens.
when it does, when we see it, we change things up. doesn't have to be a big deal. just a shift. we aren't abandoning our program. we are actually enhancing it. the point is to LIVE LIFE. not be a student on HOW TO forever.
maybe its time to take a bit of a break from all the "therapizing" (my word, you can use it!) and just BE for a bit? fire up some good music for the headphones, or find a 10 hour plus audiobook to spend some good quality time with.
not a self help book, not a psuedo self help book, just a good ole novel. i absolutely HATED The Goldfinch, but it was a lot of book for the audible credit and lasted a lonnnnng time. it became a war of wills and i was not going to be beaten by a damn book!!!
recently i've been "learning Spanish in my car." my daughter and i head to Mexico in Noviembre and i thought this was good motivation to try learning something new. i am absolutely worthless as a spanish speaker UNLESS i'm in the car! LOL i've gone thru multiple books/methods. i finally had to take a break. my brain was like No Mas Por Favor!!! could we not try to conjugate verbs in the past tense for a while???? could we listen to our mother tongue for a wee bit?
we all get information overload from time to time. it happens.
when it does, when we see it, we change things up. doesn't have to be a big deal. just a shift. we aren't abandoning our program. we are actually enhancing it. the point is to LIVE LIFE. not be a student on HOW TO forever.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I’m a very intense person... when I study, focus or engross myself in something, I do it hardcore! ...so I get exactly what you’re describing in yourself. I take breaks. Some may differ, but I take breaks from therapy and definitely Al-anon. Again, that’s just me. It starts to drive me crazy... and I can’t take one more second of over-analyzing myself, me ex... everything. UGH!! I honestly went through this a few weeks ago. When I could afford it... I used to go on “escape trips”... I miss those days. I’d get on a plane and go somewhere solo for a few days. I truly believe when your inner emotional battery is completely drained, time to recharge by taking a break. There is definitely a point when talking about your past and issues is counterproductive and can actually cause more anxiety... at least, in my opinion. Just like how I feel about over-analyzing addiction and the addicts we love. Researching alcoholism or codependency then becomes another obsession. There is point when it goes from healthy to all consuming.
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Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
I’m a very intense person... when I study, focus or engross myself in something, I do it hardcore! ...so I get exactly what you’re describing in yourself. I take breaks. Some may differ, but I take breaks from therapy and definitely Al-anon. Again, that’s just me. It starts to drive me crazy... and I can’t take one more second of over-analyzing myself, me ex... everything. UGH!! I honestly went through this a few weeks ago. When I could afford it... I used to go on “escape trips”... I miss those days. I’d get on a plane and go somewhere solo for a few days. I truly believe when your inner emotional battery is completely drained, time to recharge by taking a break. There is definitely a point when talking about your past and issues is counterproductive and can actually cause more anxiety... at least, in my opinion. Just like how I feel about over-analyzing addiction and the addicts we love. Researching alcoholism or codependency then becomes another obsession. There is point when it goes from healthy to all consuming.
Thays a very good point about it being all consuming and now feel my battery is drained to the point where I literally dont care if I ever went to therapy again. I will but thats how I feel.
A drastic change of scenery would be heaven right now but funds dont allow. It makes sense to take breaks. You know I never thought of it like that before, that it can be another obsession the researching all this stuff. It feels like that and I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed because maybe my expectations are that after doing a lot of self work I'd be feeling better. Perhaps I will after a break from it.
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I swear every day I read exactly what I’m feeling and experiencing right here. You wise introspective souls articulate your thoughts so much better than I. It’s amazing. For a long time I was consumed with analyzing my AW’s behavior and choices and when I finally flipped the switch to looking within I became overwhelmed. 5 years of this crap including a year of twilight zone bs will make you think you’re crazy.
I take my breaks from self reflection as I need to and just live, investing my time and efforts into enjoying life with my children and advocating for their greatest good is better for me than any thing else.
I realize there is nothing “wrong” with me, it’s the circumstances that make me feel that way. “Normal” guy in a very abnormal environment will react abnormally, until the disease and all that goes with it is understood. But now that I know as much as I do, not changing what I do is asking for more of the same. I do not want more of the same nor will I tolerate it. No one will ever impose their disease on my children or I ever again. I use to feel I would lose something by making the decision to erect firm boundaries. The opposite is true. You gain so much more and lose dead weight in the process.
I take my breaks from self reflection as I need to and just live, investing my time and efforts into enjoying life with my children and advocating for their greatest good is better for me than any thing else.
I realize there is nothing “wrong” with me, it’s the circumstances that make me feel that way. “Normal” guy in a very abnormal environment will react abnormally, until the disease and all that goes with it is understood. But now that I know as much as I do, not changing what I do is asking for more of the same. I do not want more of the same nor will I tolerate it. No one will ever impose their disease on my children or I ever again. I use to feel I would lose something by making the decision to erect firm boundaries. The opposite is true. You gain so much more and lose dead weight in the process.
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Originally Posted by Beachn
I swear every day I read exactly what I’m feeling and experiencing right here. You wise introspective souls articulate your thoughts so much better than I. It’s amazing. For a long time I was consumed with analyzing my AW’s behavior and choices and when I finally flipped the switch to looking within I became overwhelmed. 5 years of this crap including a year of twilight zone bs will make you think you’re crazy.
I take my breaks from self reflection as I need to and just live, investing my time and efforts into enjoying life with my children and advocating for their greatest good is better for me than any thing else.
I realize there is nothing “wrong” with me, it’s the circumstances that make me feel that way. “Normal” guy in a very abnormal environment will react abnormally, until the disease and all that goes with it is understood. But now that I know as much as I do, not changing what I do is asking for more of the same. I do not want more of the same nor will I tolerate it. No one will ever impose their disease on my children or I ever again. I use to feel I would lose something by making the decision to erect firm boundaries. The opposite is true. You gain so much more and lose dead weight in the process.
I take my breaks from self reflection as I need to and just live, investing my time and efforts into enjoying life with my children and advocating for their greatest good is better for me than any thing else.
I realize there is nothing “wrong” with me, it’s the circumstances that make me feel that way. “Normal” guy in a very abnormal environment will react abnormally, until the disease and all that goes with it is understood. But now that I know as much as I do, not changing what I do is asking for more of the same. I do not want more of the same nor will I tolerate it. No one will ever impose their disease on my children or I ever again. I use to feel I would lose something by making the decision to erect firm boundaries. The opposite is true. You gain so much more and lose dead weight in the process.
This part really stood out to me in your post. Constant self reflection I think does make you feel like your going crazy. I envy people who just sail through life following their instincts and dont seem to ever have attendedd therapy. It's like they have an extra layer of protection or self belief. Taking breaks from it sounds healthy, but even as I'm writing this sentence, my brain is saying "but if you take a break, you'll forget it all and your life will go back to how it was. What a crock! Sounds like a fear of letting go or something ( see I'm trying to analyse it).
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99
"when I finally flipped the switch to looking within I became overwhelmed. 5 years of this crap including a year of twilight zone bs will make you think you’re crazy"
....Taking breaks from it sounds healthy, but even as I'm writing this sentence, my brain is saying "but if you take a break, you'll forget it all and your life will go back to how it was. What a crock! Sounds like a fear of letting go or something ( see I'm trying to analyse it).
....Taking breaks from it sounds healthy, but even as I'm writing this sentence, my brain is saying "but if you take a break, you'll forget it all and your life will go back to how it was. What a crock! Sounds like a fear of letting go or something ( see I'm trying to analyse it).
I learned to know my worth and suddenly I stopped spraying mental febreeze to mask the ahole-ism smell and instead want to get away from it ASAP. No one is worth losing everything over, especially not your mind.
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Originally Posted by Beachn
I am an OVER analyzer. I can pick apart a grain of sand and it’s gotten me no where.
I learned to know my worth and suddenly I stopped spraying mental febreeze to mask the ahole-ism smell and instead want to get away from it ASAP. No one is worth losing everything over, especially not your mind.
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I totally get this Glen - I wish I didn't, but I do. I'm an overthinker by nature & it's so. freaking. hard. to turn off my brain sometimes. I REALLY try & I get terribly frustrated & sometimes wish for ignorance because it truly seems that "ignorance is bliss"..... so many dysfunctional people all around me & all very perfectly happy in their comfortable ruts.
It's a lonely road when you haven't been lucky enough to find a New Tribe of like-minded friends. (I haven't) My loneliness/isolation is mostly due to eliminating toxic relationships - it's more about stopping them from continuing to hurt me than it is about judging them for our past together. When I changed in my whole-life recovery I set new boundaries for myself that created friction in these relationships because I'd changed the steps to the dance we'd been doing all these years. I don't judge them for continuing to do the same old dance, but I no longer want to partner with them in it & it's not up to me to tell people where or how they "need" change in their lives.
At the same time "when we know better, we do better", right? All this recovery work HAS taught me to recognize red flags & dysfunctional behaviors & patterns which are EVERYWHERE it seems... and that has kept me from getting too close with newer friends as well. I end up keeping these people at arm's length & having fairly shallow relationships. I just can't make space in my life for drama & chaos any longer - it's too tiring & distracting & always ends badly for me. I've worked too hard on Me to knowingly sign up for more hurt.
It's a lonely road when you haven't been lucky enough to find a New Tribe of like-minded friends. (I haven't) My loneliness/isolation is mostly due to eliminating toxic relationships - it's more about stopping them from continuing to hurt me than it is about judging them for our past together. When I changed in my whole-life recovery I set new boundaries for myself that created friction in these relationships because I'd changed the steps to the dance we'd been doing all these years. I don't judge them for continuing to do the same old dance, but I no longer want to partner with them in it & it's not up to me to tell people where or how they "need" change in their lives.
At the same time "when we know better, we do better", right? All this recovery work HAS taught me to recognize red flags & dysfunctional behaviors & patterns which are EVERYWHERE it seems... and that has kept me from getting too close with newer friends as well. I end up keeping these people at arm's length & having fairly shallow relationships. I just can't make space in my life for drama & chaos any longer - it's too tiring & distracting & always ends badly for me. I've worked too hard on Me to knowingly sign up for more hurt.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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Glen,
like everybody says take a break and just live life. It's hard enough as it is. Enjoy it, set up a few boundaries to protect yourself, and take each day one day at a time.
Anvihead,
When I read that I immediately flashed back to a WV commercial
like everybody says take a break and just live life. It's hard enough as it is. Enjoy it, set up a few boundaries to protect yourself, and take each day one day at a time.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
recently i've been "learning Spanish in my car."
When I read that I immediately flashed back to a WV commercial
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
I totally get this Glen - I wish I didn't, but I do. I'm an overthinker by nature & it's so. freaking. hard. to turn off my brain sometimes. I REALLY try & I get terribly frustrated & sometimes wish for ignorance because it truly seems that "ignorance is bliss"..... so many dysfunctional people all around me & all very perfectly happy in their comfortable ruts.
It's a lonely road when you haven't been lucky enough to find a New Tribe of like-minded friends. (I haven't) My loneliness/isolation is mostly due to eliminating toxic relationships - it's more about stopping them from continuing to hurt me than it is about judging them for our past together. When I changed in my whole-life recovery I set new boundaries for myself that created friction in these relationships because I'd changed the steps to the dance we'd been doing all these years. I don't judge them for continuing to do the same old dance, but I no longer want to partner with them in it & it's not up to me to tell people where or how they "need" change in their lives.
At the same time "when we know better, we do better", right? All this recovery work HAS taught me to recognize red flags & dysfunctional behaviors & patterns which are EVERYWHERE it seems... and that has kept me from getting too close with newer friends as well. I end up keeping these people at arm's length & having fairly shallow relationships. I just can't make space in my life for drama & chaos any longer - it's too tiring & distracting & always ends badly for me. I've worked too hard on Me to knowingly sign up for more hurt.
It's a lonely road when you haven't been lucky enough to find a New Tribe of like-minded friends. (I haven't) My loneliness/isolation is mostly due to eliminating toxic relationships - it's more about stopping them from continuing to hurt me than it is about judging them for our past together. When I changed in my whole-life recovery I set new boundaries for myself that created friction in these relationships because I'd changed the steps to the dance we'd been doing all these years. I don't judge them for continuing to do the same old dance, but I no longer want to partner with them in it & it's not up to me to tell people where or how they "need" change in their lives.
At the same time "when we know better, we do better", right? All this recovery work HAS taught me to recognize red flags & dysfunctional behaviors & patterns which are EVERYWHERE it seems... and that has kept me from getting too close with newer friends as well. I end up keeping these people at arm's length & having fairly shallow relationships. I just can't make space in my life for drama & chaos any longer - it's too tiring & distracting & always ends badly for me. I've worked too hard on Me to knowingly sign up for more hurt.
I have wished for ignorance a lot this week, in fact I've wished at times for a lobotomy. It is a lonely road and though I have learned a lot it long be quite isolating and tiring. Especially when it "appears" at times that the most dysfunctional can at types be doing better.
The good side is the boundaries but there has to be something in there about taking risks and trusting myself again to handle things.
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Originally Posted by ironwill
Glen,
like everybody says take a break and just live life. It's hard enough as it is. Enjoy it, set up a few boundaries to protect yourself, and take each day one day at a time.
Anvihead,
When I read that I immediately flashed back to a WV commercial
like everybody says take a break and just live life. It's hard enough as it is. Enjoy it, set up a few boundaries to protect yourself, and take each day one day at a time.
Anvihead,
When I read that I immediately flashed back to a WV commercial
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
I REALLY try & I get terribly frustrated & sometimes wish for ignorance because it truly seems that "ignorance is bliss"
I have wished for ignorance a lot this week, in fact I've wished at times for a lobotomy. It is a lonely road and though I have learned a lot it long be quite isolating and tiring. Especially when it "appears" at times that the most dysfunctional can at types be doing better.
The good side is the boundaries but there has to be something in there about taking risks and trusting myself again to handle things.
I have wished for ignorance a lot this week, in fact I've wished at times for a lobotomy. It is a lonely road and though I have learned a lot it long be quite isolating and tiring. Especially when it "appears" at times that the most dysfunctional can at types be doing better.
The good side is the boundaries but there has to be something in there about taking risks and trusting myself again to handle things.
The thing that seemed riskiest to me was just giving a damn more about the kids and ignoring the rest. Of course then there’s the dilemma of having to focus on myself and the kids, regardless of what she was doing or going to do or did. I started exactly that I sleep better. It’s not risk it’s a reward.
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