How do you cope, how do you move on, how do you detach?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
How do you cope, how do you move on, how do you detach?
We talk a lot about coping here in F&F and we have a lot of brilliant posts about how people have gained strength to leave, to rebuild, to take care of themselves right after a break up and the days and months following that.
How to detach from a relationship with an alcoholic or addict and from people who choose to stay and how they cope.
I hope that you will post your experiences here. NYC posted a brilliant recovery plan yesterday that I think is a good one to start with.
How to detach from a relationship with an alcoholic or addict and from people who choose to stay and how they cope.
I hope that you will post your experiences here. NYC posted a brilliant recovery plan yesterday that I think is a good one to start with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
LifeChangeNYC
The healing process has truly been a “mixed bag” effort: 100% no contact, intense therapy, subconscious positive stimulus (will explain further), and my own version of “exposure therapy” where I made a very conscious effort to retrain my brain to convert past negatives to positive stimuli. It hasn’t been easy, to say the least — but after 6 months I hit so many milestones.
I’ll try and give the shortest method to explain what I did... the first month I was a complete wreck so I made lists (thanks to the advice here). List upon list of everything negative my ex said and did to me. I also made a list of quotes. I picked up a bulletin board, put it on my wall (right next to my bed) and started posting images of all my dreams... tangible dreams (the cabin I want to live in, the family I want to have, etc). That way I would wake up and fall asleep right next to suggestive and powerfully inspiring imagery that focused on my dreams and my healing.
I chose one author and started listening to every e-book by Eckhart Tolle. I listened to him pretty much 24-7. I had him playing quietly even when I slept. I had to find a way to change the abuse I had allowed to enter my life with new and healthy receptors. I knew my subconscious was listening even if I was asleep. It was pretty key in my healing. At this point, I couldn’t even listen to music without crying... everything was razor sharp in terms of sensitivity and sadness.
Now I did research alcoholism, trauma, abuse, narcissistic personalities, etc for the first 2 months. I had to. I went to Alanon... cried... grieved... but July/Aug, I began letting my obsession with alcoholism go. I stopped before researching... “trying to find answers” became yet another obsession.
I then started my own “exposure therapy”... I made a list of triggers and started facing them head on: my old neighborhood(s) where I lived with her, bars, the sound of a beer can opening, specific music, etc. It was hell for me — so I took it day by day. For ex: I actually walked on my old block, past my old apt building (where she still lives on occasion). I listened to Tolle (terrified of course) and just kept walking. I did that 1-2x week for a bit. I forced myself to listen to specific playlists I made for her... but I had to do so in a new, positive setting. It took time not to break down! For ex; I listened to it in a museum looking at beautiful paintings. New POSITIVE associations to old, trauma-inducing triggers.
I could go on forever, but that’s exactly what’s healing me.
I also forced myself to go out nearly every night alone or with an old/new friend. Maybe it was just having scrambled eggs at a diner alone... didn’t matter, as long as I was talking to someone and out of my isolation!
For me, being around alcoholics (either in recovery or otherwise) isn’t a healthy mindset. Again, this is just me. AA just makes me “reflect” or “hope” that my ex was there. Puts me right back in step 1.
But “recovery” is different for everyone. I think my greatest hurdle wasn’t just overcoming the addiction aspect... it was/has been dealing with the constant verbal abuse I suffered for nearly 6 years. Therapy has been a life saver with that".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
For me, when I have been in this situation the first few days can sometimes be "scary sad". You can't really be certain where your feelings are going to jump to and exactly how you will deal/cope.
For me, talking it out works. Hopefully you have a really supportive family member that is willing to be that support (it's not easy being the support so if you have more than one person, even better!). Of course there is always SR!
Then it's just time, distractions, reading, watching tv, talking, more reading, walking, going to pick up coffee (even though you might have some in your kitchen - it's good to get out even for a little while).
Once the initial shock/sadness starts to lessen (and it will, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it will), I found writing a list of every terrible thing he ever said or did (it was a long list) every controlling action or statement, was really helpful to remind me why it ended and why I would never want to go back to that.
This can be a bit hurtful by the way but I have found that after a day or so (or less!), after sitting with it, it gets easier to look at and live with and accept that yes, those things were all true and I don't want any of it, without having the shock and hurt attached to it.
I also know that I won't always feel that way, that it might take a while. So while that is not all fun and games, you can and will get through it.
For me, talking it out works. Hopefully you have a really supportive family member that is willing to be that support (it's not easy being the support so if you have more than one person, even better!). Of course there is always SR!
Then it's just time, distractions, reading, watching tv, talking, more reading, walking, going to pick up coffee (even though you might have some in your kitchen - it's good to get out even for a little while).
Once the initial shock/sadness starts to lessen (and it will, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it will), I found writing a list of every terrible thing he ever said or did (it was a long list) every controlling action or statement, was really helpful to remind me why it ended and why I would never want to go back to that.
This can be a bit hurtful by the way but I have found that after a day or so (or less!), after sitting with it, it gets easier to look at and live with and accept that yes, those things were all true and I don't want any of it, without having the shock and hurt attached to it.
I also know that I won't always feel that way, that it might take a while. So while that is not all fun and games, you can and will get through it.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
It's definitely a mixed bag of recovery tools. I guess EXAH (dinno when I dropped the my.. But he's not mine. I don't ****** want him) did me a favor of treating me so badly that I never want him back. I've finally gotten used to shared care with the kids. I don't like it. But I'm no longer in the position of wanting him back just so I have the kids. Yes I'm still worried about his drinking around them but at least I can take some solace that his enabler might protect kids.
Things I need to still do:
-write down all the **** he said did.
-I like the idea of posits by the bed of how my new life feels back home with kids
-get out more
-get a regular social night out
-get more face time support, Al anon isn't really available here
Things I'm doing
-trying to make new friends, it's slow. Everyone is married with kids. Bizarrely, none of them are happy marriages.
-just started volunteering. I'm a park rangers aid now.
-I've turned my home into what it would look like when we somehow get to move back to my home country. I even put in fake stairs.. That was such a blast!!
-regular councilling
-meditate nightly
-getting new job
-freelancing for friend in my home country, so we chat daily now and the connection has been such a boost. She works in my home city and has a full time job waiting for me.
-got councilling for my eldest, already seeing a change
-I tell everyone everything. I will not hide EXAHs disease. I need friends/acquaintances watching over my kids
-I no longer suffer fools. I've notice recently that I politely demand. I think I've secured a place on the 'don't **** with her' wall of fame.
-my vibe has changed. I've noticed it from EXAH & a dude I met for a coffee. EXAH has accepted our marriage/friendship/connection is gone for good. Dude never called again. I didn't want him to-he wasn't good enough. Normally they would still ask for 2nd date cos I must have had a desperate needy vibe. Now they vanish.
Coming on here has been a life changer for me.
Things I need to still do:
-write down all the **** he said did.
-I like the idea of posits by the bed of how my new life feels back home with kids
-get out more
-get a regular social night out
-get more face time support, Al anon isn't really available here
Things I'm doing
-trying to make new friends, it's slow. Everyone is married with kids. Bizarrely, none of them are happy marriages.
-just started volunteering. I'm a park rangers aid now.
-I've turned my home into what it would look like when we somehow get to move back to my home country. I even put in fake stairs.. That was such a blast!!
-regular councilling
-meditate nightly
-getting new job
-freelancing for friend in my home country, so we chat daily now and the connection has been such a boost. She works in my home city and has a full time job waiting for me.
-got councilling for my eldest, already seeing a change
-I tell everyone everything. I will not hide EXAHs disease. I need friends/acquaintances watching over my kids
-I no longer suffer fools. I've notice recently that I politely demand. I think I've secured a place on the 'don't **** with her' wall of fame.
-my vibe has changed. I've noticed it from EXAH & a dude I met for a coffee. EXAH has accepted our marriage/friendship/connection is gone for good. Dude never called again. I didn't want him to-he wasn't good enough. Normally they would still ask for 2nd date cos I must have had a desperate needy vibe. Now they vanish.
Coming on here has been a life changer for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Thanks Trailmix! Was gonna post but you beat me to it! This will most certainly be a very life changing/saving thread!
I think it’s essential! For I had absolutely no coping tools the night I left my ex. Actually, I had close to nothing... I had walked out leaving cash, clothes, medicine... I lost my girlfriend and nearly every possession that night — but gained my life BACK!
I think the core difficulty is that myself/nearly all of us on here (most likely) devoted years and years of extreme emotional support (constant stress, worry...) to toxic partners that were unable to validate, reciprocate, or express an equal exchange/partnership in return due to addiction.
So once I left... suddenly an overwhelming emptiness (& an intense feeling of uselessness) hits hard. I was also flat out MAD at myself for accepting the abuse for so long!!
For many months I’ve wanted to make a suggestion on here for those fully or mostly dependent on their qualifier... like I was... and needing to find a way to escape. In most cities, you can sign up for pet sitting at other people’s homes. There’s many reputable companies. It was literally a life saver for me! I had been slowly building up dog/cat clients for many months. The night I left, I had organized a 2 wk cat sitting job at a nearby apt that obviously she had no knowledge of.... and absolutely no way of finding me. That’s how I was able to leave with only $50 a no home. At the end of the pet sit, I was paid and that $ went to a cheap Airbnb.
Also, animals are very healing. Trust me... I cried to those 3 cats all day, every day for the entire 2 weeks!
I think it’s essential! For I had absolutely no coping tools the night I left my ex. Actually, I had close to nothing... I had walked out leaving cash, clothes, medicine... I lost my girlfriend and nearly every possession that night — but gained my life BACK!
I think the core difficulty is that myself/nearly all of us on here (most likely) devoted years and years of extreme emotional support (constant stress, worry...) to toxic partners that were unable to validate, reciprocate, or express an equal exchange/partnership in return due to addiction.
So once I left... suddenly an overwhelming emptiness (& an intense feeling of uselessness) hits hard. I was also flat out MAD at myself for accepting the abuse for so long!!
For many months I’ve wanted to make a suggestion on here for those fully or mostly dependent on their qualifier... like I was... and needing to find a way to escape. In most cities, you can sign up for pet sitting at other people’s homes. There’s many reputable companies. It was literally a life saver for me! I had been slowly building up dog/cat clients for many months. The night I left, I had organized a 2 wk cat sitting job at a nearby apt that obviously she had no knowledge of.... and absolutely no way of finding me. That’s how I was able to leave with only $50 a no home. At the end of the pet sit, I was paid and that $ went to a cheap Airbnb.
Also, animals are very healing. Trust me... I cried to those 3 cats all day, every day for the entire 2 weeks!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by trailmix 
"Trailmix...As you probably remember, my ex-girlfriend was toxic, abusive and an active alcoholic. After finding support here (literally the night I left her), I learned my relationship was a classic case of trauma bonding.
The healing process has truly been a “mixed bag” effort: 100% no contact, intense therapy, subconscious positive stimulus (will explain further), and my own version of “exposure therapy” where I made a very conscious effort to retrain my brain to convert past negatives to positive stimuli. It hasn’t been easy, to say the least — but after 6 months I hit so many milestones.
I’ll try and give the shortest method to explain what I did... the first month I was a complete wreck so I made lists (thanks to the advice here). List upon list of everything negative my ex said and did to me. I also made a list of quotes. I picked up a bulletin board, put it on my wall (right next to my bed) and started posting images of all my dreams... tangible dreams (the cabin I want to live in, the family I want to have, etc). That way I would wake up and fall asleep right next to suggestive and powerfully inspiring imagery that focused on my dreams and my healing.
I chose one author and started listening to every e-book by Eckhart Tolle. I listened to him pretty much 24-7. I had him playing quietly even when I slept. I had to find a way to change the abuse I had allowed to enter my life with new and healthy receptors. I knew my subconscious was listening even if I was asleep. It was pretty key in my healing. At this point, I couldn’t even listen to music without crying... everything was razor sharp in terms of sensitivity and sadness.
Now I did research alcoholism, trauma, abuse, narcissistic personalities, etc for the first 2 months. I had to. I went to Alanon... cried... grieved... but July/Aug, I began letting my obsession with alcoholism go. I stopped before researching... “trying to find answers” became yet another obsession.
I then started my own “exposure therapy”... I made a list of triggers and started facing them head on: my old neighborhood(s) where I lived with her, bars, the sound of a beer can opening, specific music, etc. It was hell for me — so I took it day by day. For ex: I actually walked on my old block, past my old apt building (where she still lives on occasion). I listened to Tolle (terrified of course) and just kept walking. I did that 1-2x week for a bit. I forced myself to listen to specific playlists I made for her... but I had to do so in a new, positive setting. It took time not to break down! For ex; I listened to it in a museum looking at beautiful paintings. New POSITIVE associations to old, trauma-inducing triggers.
I could go on forever, but that’s exactly what’s healing me.
I also forced myself to go out nearly every night alone or with an old/new friend. Maybe it was just having scrambled eggs at a diner alone... didn’t matter, as long as I was talking to someone and out of my isolation!
For me, being around alcoholics (either in recovery or otherwise) isn’t a healthy mindset. Again, this is just me. AA just makes me “reflect” or “hope” that my ex was there. Puts me right back in step 1.
But “recovery” is different for everyone. I think my greatest hurdle wasn’t just overcoming the addiction aspect... it was/has been dealing with the constant verbal abuse I suffered for nearly 6 years. Therapy has been a life saver with that".
The healing process has truly been a “mixed bag” effort: 100% no contact, intense therapy, subconscious positive stimulus (will explain further), and my own version of “exposure therapy” where I made a very conscious effort to retrain my brain to convert past negatives to positive stimuli. It hasn’t been easy, to say the least — but after 6 months I hit so many milestones.
I’ll try and give the shortest method to explain what I did... the first month I was a complete wreck so I made lists (thanks to the advice here). List upon list of everything negative my ex said and did to me. I also made a list of quotes. I picked up a bulletin board, put it on my wall (right next to my bed) and started posting images of all my dreams... tangible dreams (the cabin I want to live in, the family I want to have, etc). That way I would wake up and fall asleep right next to suggestive and powerfully inspiring imagery that focused on my dreams and my healing.
I chose one author and started listening to every e-book by Eckhart Tolle. I listened to him pretty much 24-7. I had him playing quietly even when I slept. I had to find a way to change the abuse I had allowed to enter my life with new and healthy receptors. I knew my subconscious was listening even if I was asleep. It was pretty key in my healing. At this point, I couldn’t even listen to music without crying... everything was razor sharp in terms of sensitivity and sadness.
Now I did research alcoholism, trauma, abuse, narcissistic personalities, etc for the first 2 months. I had to. I went to Alanon... cried... grieved... but July/Aug, I began letting my obsession with alcoholism go. I stopped before researching... “trying to find answers” became yet another obsession.
I then started my own “exposure therapy”... I made a list of triggers and started facing them head on: my old neighborhood(s) where I lived with her, bars, the sound of a beer can opening, specific music, etc. It was hell for me — so I took it day by day. For ex: I actually walked on my old block, past my old apt building (where she still lives on occasion). I listened to Tolle (terrified of course) and just kept walking. I did that 1-2x week for a bit. I forced myself to listen to specific playlists I made for her... but I had to do so in a new, positive setting. It took time not to break down! For ex; I listened to it in a museum looking at beautiful paintings. New POSITIVE associations to old, trauma-inducing triggers.
I could go on forever, but that’s exactly what’s healing me.
I also forced myself to go out nearly every night alone or with an old/new friend. Maybe it was just having scrambled eggs at a diner alone... didn’t matter, as long as I was talking to someone and out of my isolation!
For me, being around alcoholics (either in recovery or otherwise) isn’t a healthy mindset. Again, this is just me. AA just makes me “reflect” or “hope” that my ex was there. Puts me right back in step 1.
But “recovery” is different for everyone. I think my greatest hurdle wasn’t just overcoming the addiction aspect... it was/has been dealing with the constant verbal abuse I suffered for nearly 6 years. Therapy has been a life saver with that".
This is genius, the other posts have great suggestions as well but this really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
I followed the signs and consistency to discover what I needed to do. It brought me to running away from home. I’m walking, resting, and thinking. When the bad stuff bubbles up I look at it and talk to myself as if I were my best friend. I sit with it. I let it make me mad. I vent here. Then I deal with it by figuring out why I allowed it. It all comes down to abandonment issues with me. As I detached physically and emotionally I found myself alone. Like I was alone anyway but now I am consciously alone. I’m sitting with that and learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. To me, it’s a matter of pure authenticity as to how I’m feeling and going with it. And as Wombaticus said , vitamin sea helps. ❤️
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Writing down or typing the changes I notice are what's helping me realize how toxic our relationship was. For example: I'm accepting invitations to go out with friends whenever I can. I hadn't realized how often I'd turned little things down - like going to the zoo or the farmers market - hoping that DAH would want to spend time with us. Little things occur to me daily too - I don't have to listen to him say how stupid the music I listen to is or ask me why I wasted money to buy simple household things like new dishrags (blowing money on drinking and gambling is fine though).
It's not easy though. I'm very up and down.
It's not easy though. I'm very up and down.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I'm widowed, and was directed via another forum to a TED talk by Nora McInerny. While her focus is on bereavement following death, what she says about love and loss applies, whether you lose a loved one through death or simply the end of a relationship. The relationship changed you, and made you who you are today. It isn't necessarily damage. She described her life and love for her first husband and the second as strands of the same thread.
So, I guess it is up to us to take what we've learned from the past and, as she has said, 'move forward.' We don't 'move on' as if the past never happened.
So, I guess it is up to us to take what we've learned from the past and, as she has said, 'move forward.' We don't 'move on' as if the past never happened.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2022
Location: Amsterdam, NL
Posts: 53
This is an old post but as I am snooping around the forum freshly a little over 1,5 months (7 weeks) out of a 3 year relationship with an alcoholic cocaine addict I thought I'd give my plan of action for detachment and moving on.
I had reached out to my family doctor months before leaving, she didn't advise me on leaving or staying but being my doctor for over 10 years I guess she had a gut feeling I wasn't going to put up with it. She told me the minute you get out give us a call. Before I left I made a list of all people I could lean on that would function as my support system. I left on a Wednesday afternoon and immediately Called her the following day, I started therapy that Friday.
I did either therapy or coaching every week for two weeks and then booked a vacation house by the beach with my dog (thankfully I can work remote). I started journaling every day to keep track of my day, thoughts and feelings. I started doing personal training twice a week immediately with a mind body soul coach that was aware of my ex partners addiction. The trauma in my body was insane. I did physiotherapy to release my tense muscles and it felt as if the trauma was leaving my body. I took up reformer pilates with my friends on Sunday mornings and we have brunch together (I hate Sundays most because those were the days he would be home and recovering from his binge and even though he'd be hungover we'd always do brunch together and just hang out). I ate healthy and implemented a strong schedule, wakeup at 7 am, walk the dog, 12 noon walk the dog, 5 walk the dog. In the evening do something I enjoy, see a friend, watch a movie, whatever I wanted that felt good. My work is very lenient so I can work whenever I want. I had all my friends and family as support system lined up that were beyond amazing. They were checking in on me everyday and sending me all motivational voice notes or calls. I've lived abroad so I have friends in all timezones and was having round the clock check-ins. Saying that I was doing great and I needed to believe in myself. Sometimes confronting me that I didn't miss him but the idea I created in my mind. some voice notes were just : "keep going, keep on going, you are doing good. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, you may not see it now but it is there. You have to believe it." I replayed these over and over and over. I made print screens of all wonderful messages people sent me and read them over and over. They reminded me of how toxic the relationship was when I couldn't remember myself. Most important though they let me be myself, grieve, cry, laugh, it was so nice to be able to take the mask off that I'd been holding up for so long. I listened to podcasts from "love over addiction" which i already started listening to during my decision of leaving. The first 3 weeks were sad and painful and gut wrenching but I had a "high" because I felt like I chose to love myself, finally I put up my boundary. This high was fading after three weeks when I honestly thought I was going to die from missing him so much. My therapist noticed I was crawling back and she implemented an hour phone call every morning which we would do until she was certain I was back in my strength. We spoke and spoke and spoke, not always about my ex but the life I wanted to live. The boundaries I need. My past healing and my attachment styles. We did this for 8 days straight and it went back and forth from me feeling on top of the world to complete misery and bawling on the phone. After the 8 days I felt like a different person. This was when I felt strong and after a little over a month I finally felt better. The past 3 weeks I found sober recovery and it's been amazing, I've become a little obsessed with it reading all stories from everyone here, my heart hurts reading them but it gives me hope. I've looked up every single thing there is to look up about alcoholism and addiction. I imagined doing a PhD on the social/psychological consequences of alcohol on spouses/partners/boyfriends/girlfriends of alcoholics and imagines that the result would be that my hypotheses that these spouses/partners/etc were significantly more distressed on all my variables (anxiety, unhappiness, felt unworthy, isolation, etc etc) was proven by 100% statistical evidence. Haha , yes I lost my mind a little there. But I really do believe more scientific/academic research is necessary in this field because all these freaking commercials on TV promoting alcohol while peoples lives are being ruined is NOT OKE. anyways I dropped my PhD idea. And am now in the "in-between" that alcoholism is making me bored because I feel like I know almost everything and also my toxic ex boyfriend is boring me because its always the same old song with him. He calls me, I don't ever have the urge to pick up the phone because I am doing great with 1,5 month no contact. I love him and I miss him and I feel guilty for telling him to go to hell because he was so rude to me. But other than that I am just SO OVER IT. I still grieve, sometimes I listen to a song and I cry but I am oke. I've read up on codependency literature, also abandonment, I focus on myself, my dreams, my life. I'm not where I want to be yet but I am getting there. Therapy is now going once a week. I give myself a 10 minute cry when I want it but other than that I get on with my day. I booked another week by the beach, where I currently am now with my dog. I met so many nice people I really believe that when you follow your heart you will find people on your path that are just waiting to help you gain trust in humanity again. Its not an easy journey but so far more than worth it!! I will stick with focusing on myself, if there's anything that I think of I will post again haha. but definitely detachment for me was doing things that made ME happy, what did I want, what do I want. To begin to create a life for yourself that is full of happy and wonderful things that do not include your qualifier. detachment is physical, it is mental, it is oke to look at what is behind you and what you left in the past but your life is forward. don't forget that! It gets better, I promise!!!
I had reached out to my family doctor months before leaving, she didn't advise me on leaving or staying but being my doctor for over 10 years I guess she had a gut feeling I wasn't going to put up with it. She told me the minute you get out give us a call. Before I left I made a list of all people I could lean on that would function as my support system. I left on a Wednesday afternoon and immediately Called her the following day, I started therapy that Friday.
I did either therapy or coaching every week for two weeks and then booked a vacation house by the beach with my dog (thankfully I can work remote). I started journaling every day to keep track of my day, thoughts and feelings. I started doing personal training twice a week immediately with a mind body soul coach that was aware of my ex partners addiction. The trauma in my body was insane. I did physiotherapy to release my tense muscles and it felt as if the trauma was leaving my body. I took up reformer pilates with my friends on Sunday mornings and we have brunch together (I hate Sundays most because those were the days he would be home and recovering from his binge and even though he'd be hungover we'd always do brunch together and just hang out). I ate healthy and implemented a strong schedule, wakeup at 7 am, walk the dog, 12 noon walk the dog, 5 walk the dog. In the evening do something I enjoy, see a friend, watch a movie, whatever I wanted that felt good. My work is very lenient so I can work whenever I want. I had all my friends and family as support system lined up that were beyond amazing. They were checking in on me everyday and sending me all motivational voice notes or calls. I've lived abroad so I have friends in all timezones and was having round the clock check-ins. Saying that I was doing great and I needed to believe in myself. Sometimes confronting me that I didn't miss him but the idea I created in my mind. some voice notes were just : "keep going, keep on going, you are doing good. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, you may not see it now but it is there. You have to believe it." I replayed these over and over and over. I made print screens of all wonderful messages people sent me and read them over and over. They reminded me of how toxic the relationship was when I couldn't remember myself. Most important though they let me be myself, grieve, cry, laugh, it was so nice to be able to take the mask off that I'd been holding up for so long. I listened to podcasts from "love over addiction" which i already started listening to during my decision of leaving. The first 3 weeks were sad and painful and gut wrenching but I had a "high" because I felt like I chose to love myself, finally I put up my boundary. This high was fading after three weeks when I honestly thought I was going to die from missing him so much. My therapist noticed I was crawling back and she implemented an hour phone call every morning which we would do until she was certain I was back in my strength. We spoke and spoke and spoke, not always about my ex but the life I wanted to live. The boundaries I need. My past healing and my attachment styles. We did this for 8 days straight and it went back and forth from me feeling on top of the world to complete misery and bawling on the phone. After the 8 days I felt like a different person. This was when I felt strong and after a little over a month I finally felt better. The past 3 weeks I found sober recovery and it's been amazing, I've become a little obsessed with it reading all stories from everyone here, my heart hurts reading them but it gives me hope. I've looked up every single thing there is to look up about alcoholism and addiction. I imagined doing a PhD on the social/psychological consequences of alcohol on spouses/partners/boyfriends/girlfriends of alcoholics and imagines that the result would be that my hypotheses that these spouses/partners/etc were significantly more distressed on all my variables (anxiety, unhappiness, felt unworthy, isolation, etc etc) was proven by 100% statistical evidence. Haha , yes I lost my mind a little there. But I really do believe more scientific/academic research is necessary in this field because all these freaking commercials on TV promoting alcohol while peoples lives are being ruined is NOT OKE. anyways I dropped my PhD idea. And am now in the "in-between" that alcoholism is making me bored because I feel like I know almost everything and also my toxic ex boyfriend is boring me because its always the same old song with him. He calls me, I don't ever have the urge to pick up the phone because I am doing great with 1,5 month no contact. I love him and I miss him and I feel guilty for telling him to go to hell because he was so rude to me. But other than that I am just SO OVER IT. I still grieve, sometimes I listen to a song and I cry but I am oke. I've read up on codependency literature, also abandonment, I focus on myself, my dreams, my life. I'm not where I want to be yet but I am getting there. Therapy is now going once a week. I give myself a 10 minute cry when I want it but other than that I get on with my day. I booked another week by the beach, where I currently am now with my dog. I met so many nice people I really believe that when you follow your heart you will find people on your path that are just waiting to help you gain trust in humanity again. Its not an easy journey but so far more than worth it!! I will stick with focusing on myself, if there's anything that I think of I will post again haha. but definitely detachment for me was doing things that made ME happy, what did I want, what do I want. To begin to create a life for yourself that is full of happy and wonderful things that do not include your qualifier. detachment is physical, it is mental, it is oke to look at what is behind you and what you left in the past but your life is forward. don't forget that! It gets better, I promise!!!
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