First Date
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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I see what you're getting at, Anvil, and I appreciate the warning. I do see the pattern. I simply do not believe that the two are mutually exclusive. I believe I can have chemistry with a responsible, mature adult. I just have to weed through all the degenerates to find him.
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Originally Posted by SaveHer 
I did not tell him that I dated an alcoholic or that heavy drinking makes me squeamish. I figure if someone does have a drinking problem it will reveal itself sooner if I hold my cards close.
I didn't bring up the topic of alcoholism to him. What would be the point? If he wasn't an alcoholic, he'd have said he wasn't an alcoholic. If he was, he'd still have said he wasn't an alcoholic.
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Originally Posted by SaveHer
I've dated about eight men since AXBF. Most ended because we didn't have chemistry.
You have also stated that you drink. You have every right to.
I am a strict tea totaller. I had my last drink 5-1/2 years ago. Dating someone who drinks, even one glass of wine, is not an option for me personally.
I realize that the AA literature states that anyone who thinks alcohol should be obliterated from the world is not working a good program. I respectfully disagree on this point. I believe alcohol is as good for people as cigarettes are, in spite of dubious medical claims about its "health benefits."
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I think you're right, Anvil, that chemistry is a feeling more than anything else. I think the closest I can come to describing it is a combination of physical attraction and a genuine interest in someone, a sort of bonding that happens that makes you want to see them again. I used to think that if I didn't feel nervous on a date, that meant I wasn't interested, but I've since abandoned that theory. Feeling comfortable is good, but I also need to feel invested, like being around them is worth my time. I hope that makes sense. I hadn't realized how difficult chemistry is to define.
I don't immediately reject men that I don't have chemistry with, especially if they tick all of my other boxes: responsible, kind, open-minded, and funny. I'm also always asking myself if I think they would be a good influence in my daughter's life. That was the reason I ended it with the one before my most recent date. We had two dates, and he was a good-looking, nice guy, but he just wasn't my person because he didn't have kids and lived a pretty youthful, carefree lifestyle. In other words, my dating experience isn't as black and white as "she is attracted to all the addicts and rejects all the normies."
Do you really think it's as simple as chemistry means trouble?
I don't immediately reject men that I don't have chemistry with, especially if they tick all of my other boxes: responsible, kind, open-minded, and funny. I'm also always asking myself if I think they would be a good influence in my daughter's life. That was the reason I ended it with the one before my most recent date. We had two dates, and he was a good-looking, nice guy, but he just wasn't my person because he didn't have kids and lived a pretty youthful, carefree lifestyle. In other words, my dating experience isn't as black and white as "she is attracted to all the addicts and rejects all the normies."
Do you really think it's as simple as chemistry means trouble?
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Update: No Second Date
[Friday
Him: Hit me up when you're done at yoga maybe I'll come see you in your neck of the woods I'm off work tomorrow so I can stay up late lol
Me: You're a nut. And what would you suggest I do with my daughter while we're gallivanting around town all night?
Saturday
Me: Good morning. How are you?
Sunday
Me: Look, I can take a hint. It's okay to lose interest. It's not okay to ghost me. I thought you were better than that.
Him: Hey honey I'm so sorry. I went camping last night and had no reception. Spur of the moment thing. I didn't mean to ghost you. How's your weekend?
Like I originally posted, "sit back and wait and all will be revealed." My person, my someday someone, would not treat me like this. Spur of the moment or not, he could have let me know. This is the second example of a poor, last-minute decision he has made. Therefore, I'm out.
This whole situation reminds me of something I learned here while I was with AXBF: We teach people how to treat us. Such a powerful lesson. If I were to just let this go, I'd be sending a clear message that I will tolerate him disappearing and not communicating with me--and he'd probably do it over and over again. My guess is because I wouldn't "stay up late" with him on Friday night, he found the next best thing, and I became out of sight, out of mind. Well, I'm better than that.
I'd still like to hear people's thoughts about the whole chemistry=trouble theory...
Him: Hit me up when you're done at yoga maybe I'll come see you in your neck of the woods I'm off work tomorrow so I can stay up late lol
Me: You're a nut. And what would you suggest I do with my daughter while we're gallivanting around town all night?
Saturday
Me: Good morning. How are you?
Sunday
Me: Look, I can take a hint. It's okay to lose interest. It's not okay to ghost me. I thought you were better than that.
Him: Hey honey I'm so sorry. I went camping last night and had no reception. Spur of the moment thing. I didn't mean to ghost you. How's your weekend?
Like I originally posted, "sit back and wait and all will be revealed." My person, my someday someone, would not treat me like this. Spur of the moment or not, he could have let me know. This is the second example of a poor, last-minute decision he has made. Therefore, I'm out.
This whole situation reminds me of something I learned here while I was with AXBF: We teach people how to treat us. Such a powerful lesson. If I were to just let this go, I'd be sending a clear message that I will tolerate him disappearing and not communicating with me--and he'd probably do it over and over again. My guess is because I wouldn't "stay up late" with him on Friday night, he found the next best thing, and I became out of sight, out of mind. Well, I'm better than that.
I'd still like to hear people's thoughts about the whole chemistry=trouble theory...
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I went camping last night and had no reception. Spur of the moment thing.
...said Josh Powell on the night his wife Susan Powell went "missing".....
now about chemistry. there are two elements that can provide a strong foundation for a long term relationship:
1) Compatibility
2) Chemistry
compatibility indicates a shared sense of values, ethics, morals, outlook. there isn't a lot of friction or discord. it's like skiing down fresh corduroy on a blue cruiser - where the skis just glide over the snow - not a lot of bumps, no moguls, no trees, not going too fast, not going to slow.
where compatibility might not be "enough" is going down that exact same run 30 times - every season, for 5 seasons. it's still a nice run, but now it's kind of boring. not much is going to change on a mountain!!
chemistry often sparks when people are different from each other, opposites, but their opposite-ness is complementary in some way. introvert+extrovert. high-strung+laid back. tame+wild. each is different enough to be intriguing, interesting, exciting!! one gets to live a little vicariously through the other. there are sparks. passion. hormones go flash mob. and a hunger for that zingy zappy zowie stuff develops. suddenly you can't get enough of the other person. and the sex??? well
problem with chemistry is it can hijack the brain. just like any other drug. and if we are not careful, we can get overtaken but the rush. the brain stops thinking clearly, and it can't be heard over the
remember i mentioned that "chemistry" can actually be the fight or flight response? that's because to the body arousal is arousal. whether it's a grizzly bear in front of us or a first date. the body taps into the same adrenaline, cranks the rate up in the same heart, accelerates breathing through the same lungs.
and often once the brain chooses friend or foe, it is really hard to break that connection. think addiction, think PTSD.
today i was out blowing off the walkway on the side of our house. ahead of me i saw a spider in a web (note, NOT a fan). at almost that exact same time, something hit/touched the back of my hair. and i immediately went into my famous "spider in my hair!!!" dance. that "connection" was instantaneous and i didn't stop to thoughtfully ponder if the message i was getting was true or not.
back when hank and i were in the crack days, when the phone would ring, we KNEW it was the dealer and our insides would immediately liquefy. felt like throwing up and usually had to make a dash to the bathroom. (i know, TMI). adrenaline? check. increased heart rate? check. shallow breathing? check. any chance of not picking up and getting some dope? not a chance in hell. that's the override.....
well, i think i've blathered on enough on this topic!
...said Josh Powell on the night his wife Susan Powell went "missing".....
now about chemistry. there are two elements that can provide a strong foundation for a long term relationship:
1) Compatibility
2) Chemistry
compatibility indicates a shared sense of values, ethics, morals, outlook. there isn't a lot of friction or discord. it's like skiing down fresh corduroy on a blue cruiser - where the skis just glide over the snow - not a lot of bumps, no moguls, no trees, not going too fast, not going to slow.
where compatibility might not be "enough" is going down that exact same run 30 times - every season, for 5 seasons. it's still a nice run, but now it's kind of boring. not much is going to change on a mountain!!
chemistry often sparks when people are different from each other, opposites, but their opposite-ness is complementary in some way. introvert+extrovert. high-strung+laid back. tame+wild. each is different enough to be intriguing, interesting, exciting!! one gets to live a little vicariously through the other. there are sparks. passion. hormones go flash mob. and a hunger for that zingy zappy zowie stuff develops. suddenly you can't get enough of the other person. and the sex??? well
problem with chemistry is it can hijack the brain. just like any other drug. and if we are not careful, we can get overtaken but the rush. the brain stops thinking clearly, and it can't be heard over the
remember i mentioned that "chemistry" can actually be the fight or flight response? that's because to the body arousal is arousal. whether it's a grizzly bear in front of us or a first date. the body taps into the same adrenaline, cranks the rate up in the same heart, accelerates breathing through the same lungs.
and often once the brain chooses friend or foe, it is really hard to break that connection. think addiction, think PTSD.
today i was out blowing off the walkway on the side of our house. ahead of me i saw a spider in a web (note, NOT a fan). at almost that exact same time, something hit/touched the back of my hair. and i immediately went into my famous "spider in my hair!!!" dance. that "connection" was instantaneous and i didn't stop to thoughtfully ponder if the message i was getting was true or not.
back when hank and i were in the crack days, when the phone would ring, we KNEW it was the dealer and our insides would immediately liquefy. felt like throwing up and usually had to make a dash to the bathroom. (i know, TMI). adrenaline? check. increased heart rate? check. shallow breathing? check. any chance of not picking up and getting some dope? not a chance in hell. that's the override.....
well, i think i've blathered on enough on this topic!
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Well, isn’t he special. Thirty-six on the outside, sixteen on the inside. Good for you for seeing what this was...a test to see how much he could snow you. Buhbye, Manboy.
Your instincts are hard-earned, but they’re also pretty accurate. Good for you!
Your instincts are hard-earned, but they’re also pretty accurate. Good for you!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
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I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but you do come across as a bit scolding and serious. "That wasn't a very good decision." "You're a nut." "It's not OK to ghost me. I thought you were better than that."
Just be careful, because that can scare a good guy away if you misread his texts or behavior (and it's easy for us to be squirrely when we've had bad experiences and don't want to repeat mistakes). I'm not saying he's a good guy, just sayin'.
I think sometimes men try to build rapport and project what they think makes them fun and cool and assume women will think having fun and partying late makes them interesting.
That said, your gut and intuition is your guide. If you feel he's not right for you, ie doesn't make good decisions or is a nut, feel free to stop reaching out to him and let him go.
Just be careful, because that can scare a good guy away if you misread his texts or behavior (and it's easy for us to be squirrely when we've had bad experiences and don't want to repeat mistakes). I'm not saying he's a good guy, just sayin'.
I think sometimes men try to build rapport and project what they think makes them fun and cool and assume women will think having fun and partying late makes them interesting.
That said, your gut and intuition is your guide. If you feel he's not right for you, ie doesn't make good decisions or is a nut, feel free to stop reaching out to him and let him go.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
He might be ghosting you because he's stuck in adolescence (which would fit with the "out drinking with my buddy until 3.00 am" part) or he might be a genuine free spirit who really does pick up and go camping on the spur of the moment. Either way, it sounds like his behavior induces anxiety in you. So whether or not you want this anxiety in your life is the question.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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(When I was first dating after ex and I split up, I had a chemistry thing going with someone - really liked him, we seemed to have the same ideas and views of the world, both single, both a bit odd, friends thought we were perfect for each other ... but buddy was not good at the whole communication thing. I'd spend days after I sent a text/email /voicemail worrying about why I wasn't getting a response and mentally composing the next one. I eventually decided that this was not fun, that I needed more security and reassurance, especially after that marriage. Mr Chemistry was a great guy in many ways and we're still friends, but his interpersonal style wasn't right for what I needed in a relationship. I met someone else [yes, this is internet dating] with whom there wasn't quite the same "click" or intuitive electricity, but who was not at all shy about expressing his feelings. Which was exactly what I needed - someone who really liked me and SHOWED it, again and again. That relationship worked out really well).
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I went camping last night and had no reception. Spur of the moment thing.
...said Josh Powell on the night his wife Susan Powell went "missing".....
...said Josh Powell on the night his wife Susan Powell went "missing".....
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
SaveHer,
You are better then out of sight out of mind. No one should be treated that way. If camping was a last minute thing, why didn't he text you before hand. A quick text" going camping tonight text you when I get back". Takes all of 10 sec to compose. I think your spidey senses are telling you the correct thing about this guy.
You need to look after you and daughter. You two come first. I understand about need feel invested. If someone likes you, they should want to put your needs before theirs. And vice versa.
You sound like a great women and should have to deal with guys that don't understand that you are a single mom and your daughter will always come first. You do need to check off all the important boxes to you " responsible, kind, open-minded, and funny. and would be a good influence in my daughter's life" if you can't get those checked your trying to put a square box in a round hole.
There are plenty of guys out there that do check off those boxes. Just be patient and you will meet him when you are not even trying. Have a great day and be strong.
You are better then out of sight out of mind. No one should be treated that way. If camping was a last minute thing, why didn't he text you before hand. A quick text" going camping tonight text you when I get back". Takes all of 10 sec to compose. I think your spidey senses are telling you the correct thing about this guy.
You need to look after you and daughter. You two come first. I understand about need feel invested. If someone likes you, they should want to put your needs before theirs. And vice versa.
You sound like a great women and should have to deal with guys that don't understand that you are a single mom and your daughter will always come first. You do need to check off all the important boxes to you " responsible, kind, open-minded, and funny. and would be a good influence in my daughter's life" if you can't get those checked your trying to put a square box in a round hole.
There are plenty of guys out there that do check off those boxes. Just be patient and you will meet him when you are not even trying. Have a great day and be strong.
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