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Old 09-11-2019, 12:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Alcoholic husband left


It has been going on for over 2 years. While I was pregnant and now that my girl is almost 2 years old. The same things. Selfishness. Lies. More drinking.

Since april, when he lost his job for the 3rd time he admitted to being an alcoholic. Tried hard-ish to change. I kept seeing the hurt everytime he binged, mostly every weekend or every other. He would cry out and say he was scared. He cant control it. He wants his family more than anything. It has been a constant battle for me. Then, out of the blue the sunday morning after drinking. After saying he is scared, he looks me dead in the eye and says he doesn't love me anymore. We enjoy different things. He has been unhappy for a long time. (Which I admit, it has been hard.) And that he wants to be selfish for once! He packed his stuff and he has left. That was 4 days ago. And he is adamant on getting a divorce and that he is at peace with everything.

I have been manipulated by him so many times. He has left before and then come running back. I don't think that is the case this time.

I am hurting even though I have wanted to leave do many times in the past. It's the way that HEstaid he wants to leave when all I have ever done is love and support him. I'm not sure what to do...
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Old 09-11-2019, 12:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I I kept seeing the hurt everytime he binged, mostly every weekend or every other. He would cry out and say he was scared. He cant control it. He wants his family more than anything. It has been a constant battle for me. Then, out of the blue the sunday morning after drinking. After saying he is scared, he looks me dead in the eye and says he doesn't love me anymore. We enjoy different things. He has been unhappy for a long time. (Which I admit, it has been hard.) And that he wants to be selfish for once! He packed his stuff and he has left.
I could have written this about my recent experiences. Mine has been off and on relapsing for the past year. Recently he came home drunk and crying after being suicidal - hugging me, hugging DSS, apologizing for what's been going on and saying how much he wants to fix it. Just a bit less than 2 months ago, he tells me it's over "doesn't love me anymore. We enjoy different things. He has been unhappy for a long time." It almost makes me laugh retyping your words b/c it's EXACTLY what he said.

This may be a rabbit trail but - I'm starting to see where a lot of horror writers may have likely had relationships with addicts - demon possessions, Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde, Babbadook, Invasion of the Body Snatchers - so many things look like our addicts and our addicts are so much like each other (all of us) that it's just amazing.
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Old 09-11-2019, 12:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi Erza, so sorry you are in this rough time. Just know it won't always be like this.

For right now, you may want to contact a lawyer? You really do need to know your legal rights and although it doesn't sound like your AH is going to be lining up right now for visitation with your child, you want to be on firm ground also with child support.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

It sounds like what he REALLY wants is to drink, or at least he is not in a position right now where he can quit. You can't be a responsible partner and/or parent if you are drunk all the time. I'm sure he's torn but that drug is a huge pull and he is not ready/able to quit right now so rather than sit in misery and watch everyone be miserable, he left.

It hurts! I'm sorry your hurting but other than going to see a lawyer, I would leave it alone perhaps. You need time to heal and think about what you really want. Were you at all happy with him?

You may want to check out Al-Anon meetings for extra support. Post here as often as you like, lots of support and help here for you as well.
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Old 09-11-2019, 01:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Erza,

I'm sorry you are having to deal with an Alcoholic. It's not fun to be lied to and manipulated for years. It hurts to see a love one do this to them selves, and hurts even more when they care about the alcohol more them you and their child.

Like trailmix say: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and can't Cure it. Those are lines to take to heart. Those lines were there when i got those feelings of being out of control.

You need to look after yourself and your 2 year old first. If your AH is truly wanting a divorce you have to protect the both of you. Seek out guidance in a lawyer.

This is tough time, but it will get easier. Be strong for your child and yourself. Post here anytime you need to talk. We are here for you. There are a lot of great people here to help.
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Old 09-11-2019, 01:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Erza…….I am giving you the following website that might be helpful to you, to you, right now. It is educational in nature and can help you collect your thoughts and questions when you contact your own lawyer....
It is arranged by state...…

www.womansdivorce.com

Erza…..what do you want to happen, at this point? Are you financially dependent on him?

I did not hear, in your post, if he ever sought any help to get sober...like, detox under medical supervision, rehab stay, or a program like AA.....It sounds, to me, like he was "white knuckling"....which is dangerous and extremely uncomfortable.....The safest and most comfortable to get through withdrawl symptoms is under medical care.....
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Old 09-11-2019, 01:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you for all the feedback!

I went and saw a lawyer yesterday. He said my AH would have to pay for child support and alimony for me. I am currently a SAHM.

I can clearly see what he is doing to me. And I know I want better for my life. I am clouded by my emotions right now and having a hard time handling them.

I told him about visiting a lawyer, and he continued to tell me it's the best thing that can happen. How he has had the best few days away from us.

With all this, he visited his daughter on Tuesday. And will probably see her on Sunday. He is good to her and wants what's best for her.

In my head, it's hard for me to know/understand what made him switch all of a sudden. I mean, he has left in the past but only for a few days, and he was obviously wanting to come back. Now it is like he REALLY doesn't love me anymore, wasn't ever happy and just doesn't want to be with me anymore. And that hurts. I feel like this is true.
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Old 09-11-2019, 01:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Erza…….I am giving you the following website that might be helpful to you, to you, right now. It is educational in nature and can help you collect your thoughts and questions when you contact your own lawyer....
It is arranged

Erza…..what do you want to happen, at this point? Are you financially dependent on him?

I did not hear, in your post, if he ever sought any help to get sober...like, detox under medical supervision, rehab stay, or a program like AA.....It sounds, to me, like he was "white knuckling"....which is dangerous and extremely uncomfortable.....The safest and most comfortable to get through withdrawl symptoms is under medical care.....
I am financially dependent on him. But I'm lucky I have my mom who can help me.

He went to AA a few times and would listen to podcasts. Prayer. But that's it.
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Old 09-11-2019, 01:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Erza…..he is under the control of his alcoholic condition, which gets stronger and stronger over time...as the years pass. It is a very, very powerful force....
You have asked him to give up the thing that allows him to cope with life....to deal with all of his emotions....
With any practicing alcoholic....anyone and anything that comes between them and their drinking is regarded as the ENEMY....even if it is a loved one.
You will feel, to him, like the enemy, right now.
That he doesn't love you is unlikely, but it does give him a "logical" reason to say to himself and others....because, otherwise, he would have to accept that he would have to quit drinking …..which probably sounds like a death sentence to him---something that he feels powerless to do....

can you say what kinds of help he has sought out when trying to get sober?
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Old 09-11-2019, 01:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I don't completely know your situation but I would guess he will change his tune at some point and then you will have to remind yourself that you don't want yourself and your kids to go through this anymore. This could be a good thing for you.
You are going to hurt and be sad, but you will come out of it. It's like ending any relationship, except you have years of manipulation to add to it. I am still hurting and sad because I am also recently separated, but it is really one day at a time. You will go through a ton of emotions every day. Just keep pushing forward. Hugs to you.
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Old 09-11-2019, 02:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Focus on yourself. Let him do whatever he is going to do. Listen to the sage advice here on SR....go to alanon. Get a therapist. You are the only one who is going to spend the rest of your life with you, every second, so take care of YOU. Im sorry you are hurting. I truly understand. But the only way out is acceptance, and focusing on yourself. Hugs.
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Old 09-11-2019, 02:32 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Same thing happened to me- and we were getting married in few months. Once I asked him to quit drinking, he suddenly said he lost ALL feelings for me and has now cut all the contact too. Which was also shocking as I didnt expect 180degrees change like that. But as Dandylion says here, they see us as enemies the minute we dont support their addictive behavior anymore. He saw me as some sort of traitor I would say. Even if I tried to explain that me staying in such situation with him as his partner would be ANYTHING BUT love. But he doesnt see it in that way.
I am still partially in shock for the change of his behavior towards me tho. But with slowly picking up the pieces of a broken heart, I keep on thinking how I couldn’t have done anything better for him than to NOT support him in something which doesnt make any sense to support. And if that makes me an enemy, I am ready to be one alright! Hang in there my friend! I totally know its not easy but we will somehow survive and come out stronger as a result! At least I truly hope so! 👋
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Old 09-11-2019, 03:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
 

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And that he wants to be selfish for once!
I'm so sorry for what you have gone through and have yet to go through. There is nothing funny about this situation, although I have to admit I laughed out loud at the audacity of his ridiculous statement above. Selfish for once? Oh please...he's been selfish for 2 years by continuing his addiction rather than putting you and his daughter first and actually taking action to fix himself. I hope you have good legal support and that you eventually find some peace.
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Old 09-11-2019, 05:03 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Same thing happened to me- and we were getting married in few months. Once I asked him to quit drinking, he suddenly said he lost ALL feelings for me and has now cut all the contact too. Which was also shocking as I didnt expect 180degrees change like that. But as Dandylion says here, they see us as enemies the minute we dont support their addictive behavior anymore. He saw me as some sort of traitor I would say. Even if I tried to explain that me staying in such situation with him as his partner would be ANYTHING BUT love. But he doesnt see it in that way.
I am still partially in shock for the change of his behavior towards me tho. But with slowly picking up the pieces of a broken heart, I keep on thinking how I couldn’t have done anything better for him than to NOT support him in something which doesnt make any sense to support. And if that makes me an enemy, I am ready to be one alright! Hang in there my friend! I totally know its not easy but we will somehow survive and come out stronger as a result! At least I truly hope so! 👋
Oh, wow. I'm sorry you're going through this too. I really hope that it gets better. It is super hard right now. How can they see the ones who love them the most as an enemy? I know it's true. It's such a destructive disease.
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Old 09-11-2019, 05:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I really am thankful for all the reply's.

He had to fork out a lot of money to renew his drivers license and pay off some past debt. He wanted to borrow my car, I said no and to get an uber. He was mean and said he wouldn't pay my insurance. I told him he would have to pay whatever the court orders, nothing more or less...

And wow. He got so defensive. Saying I wasn't being amicable with him. He was never an alcoholic, never admitted to it (he did, several times. Went to AA!).

Ended up saying it was all because of me he drank himself to death. But it started when our child was born. He couldn't handle it.

He is spouting lies upon hurtful lies. It's hard to not believe it is because of me... But I know better. I do. My emotions are just telling me different right now.

He then said he was happier without me and I just want to ruin him because he is happy not being with me. Also, that because he wants to not be with me I apparently make up he is an alcoholic and want to get back at him with child support and alimony.

Sigh.

I have been nothing but supportive of his wild antics and loved him and has always been there for him when he was going through the worst things. I'm the only one who has. I have been walked all over. And that's exactly what I feel he wants me to do regarding the separation. So he can be in control. But I have to protect me and my daughter. It was his decision to leave. And he doesn't want the consequences of his actions.
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Old 09-11-2019, 05:30 PM   #15 (permalink)
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He is spouting lies upon hurtful lies. It's hard to not believe it is because of me... But I know better. I do. My emotions are just telling me different right now.
I'm so glad you know this Erza, hang on to those thoughts, they will get you through this.

I am guessing you know quite a bit about alcoholism? Have you read the other posts on the forum?

Of course he's happier, it's much easier to drink in peace and have no responsibility!
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Old 09-11-2019, 07:09 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I will try to hold on to those thoughts. It is tough though.

I know some. I still have a lot to learn. I know I need healing for myself. I want the best for my daughter. We have only been tougether 6 years and the last 2 have been all about his addiction. In the bigger scheme of things It's not a long time. I'm only 29 and have my whole life ahead of me.

I am stronger than this! I know I am still going to have the "what if" in the back of my mind. I know a part of me is wanting him to realize what he has done and come crawling back. But it will be short term joy. I want long term! Long term peace. Love.

I'm just a ball of emotions right now as it is still so raw.
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Old 09-11-2019, 07:25 PM   #17 (permalink)
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We have only been tougether 6 years and the last 2 have been all about his addiction. In the bigger scheme of things It's not a long time.

unless you are a two-year old and that has been all you know.
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Old 09-11-2019, 07:32 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Ugh.

You know, nothing says you have to listen to his delusions. He can spout his rationalizations to the wall...you can end the conversation.

Talk to the attorney about setting up a channel for communicating through him/her. Tell your ex that unless the text or email is only about your child, you will not respond. Phone calls are for child-related emergencies only...if he doesn’t respect that, hang up.

You not being “amicable” means he wants to guilt you into taking less in the settlement. Tough.

You don’t owe him an audience anymore. Don’t give him one, it only hurts you.

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Old 09-11-2019, 07:35 PM   #19 (permalink)
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We have only been tougether 6 years and the last 2 have been all about his addiction. In the bigger scheme of things It's not a long time.

unless you are a two-year old and that has been all you know.
Yes. This makes me incredibly sad.
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Old 09-11-2019, 07:36 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Yes. This makes me incredibly sad.
And thats why I should be glad too. Better 2 years then 5, 10 or more. I am heartbroken it had to be any amount of years.
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